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Kyle Kersten was a true friend of TCM. One of the first and most active participants of the Message Boards, “Kyle in Hollywood” (aka, hlywdkjk) demonstrated a depth of knowledge and largesse of spirit that made him one of the most popular and respected voices in these forums. This thread is a living memorial to his life and love of movies, which remain with us still.

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RICH'S B (AND WORSE) HORROR MOVIE THREAD


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#21 jamesjazzguitar

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Posted 09 April 2016 - 06:01 PM

Yea, that plant makes no sense.  Now if it ate ugly women and brought back to life good looking women I would be all for it.

 

 



#22 scsu1975

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Posted 09 April 2016 - 05:04 PM

The Woman Eater (1958)

Directed by Charles Saunders

 

Semi-agreeable piece of trash, with George Coulouris as a scientist who stumbles on a terrible secret (which is, don’t make movies like this).

 

The film opens with Coulouris, machete in hand, hacking his way through what is supposed to be the Amazon. He comes across an unusual sight – dancers and bongo players. Fast forward five years. Now Coulouris is back in England, along with a bongo player named Tanga (no relation to the orange drinka), and a killer plant which is the native god “juju” or something like that. I’m not sure how Coulouris got the plant through customs, but that’s a minor point. Apparently if Coulouris feeds great-looking women to the plant, he can produce a serum which will bring people back to life. Hey, I say don’t kill them in the first place, and there is no need for the second place.

 

Switch to a carnival, where the stacked blonde Vera Day is dancing as a hula girl. And you thought all Hawaiians were brunettes. She catches the eye of a car mechanic, but this isn’t exactly Looking For Mr. Goodwrench. Anyway, after he slugs her boss and gets her fired, he offers to help get her a job – with Coulouris. Coulouris quickly orders a supply of Viagra.

 

Eventually, Coulouris’ housekeeper, who is secretly his wife, confronts him and tries to stab him. He chokes her in self-defense – at least, that’s how I would explain it to the police. In the exciting climax, Coulouris manages to revive his dead wife, but realizes she has no brain – which explains why she took this gig.

 

Coulouris is actually pretty good, and plays his role fairly straight, instead of going over the top. Day is gorgeous, and the director gives us ample side views. The person playing the plant was uncredited, but I assume it was someone who failed the audition for The Little Shop of Horrors.

 

 

 

 

“Wait a minute. You were in Citizen Kane???”

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“Let’s see … does this say ‘Yorick,’ or ‘Yo, Rick’?”

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This is how the expression “getting your chain yanked” originated.

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A scene from the local white trash production of The Ten Commandments.

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“Lady, I think the problem is with your headlights.”

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A rare outtake from The Wizard of Oz, when one of the trees really got **** at Judy Garland.

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#23 scsu1975

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Posted 07 April 2016 - 07:35 PM

Coming soon:  The Woman Eater


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#24 scsu1975

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Posted 02 April 2016 - 02:06 PM

Teenage Monster (1958)

Directed by Jacques Marquette

 

Awful piece of crap, from HOWCO International – HOWCO apparently stands for “How Come They Made This ****?”

 

1940s star Anne Gwynne heads a no-name no-talent cast, playing an 1880s mother whose husband is killed by a meteor, and whose son is badly injured. Flash forward seven years. Now the kid has hair all over his body, speaks gibberish, disobeys his mother, kidnaps a girl, and brings her to his room. Today, we would just say the kid is going through puberty.

 

Gwynne succeeds in hiding this monstrosity from everyone, but occasionally he/it slips out just to break someone’s neck.  After Gwynne finds the girl (Gloria Castillo) in junior’s closet, she talks her into staying on to look after her son, for a tidy sum of $500. Castillo promptly loses the money to her boyfriend. In the only interesting plot point, Castillo turns into a b**** and decides she will use the teenage monster to kill her boyfriend. Then she gets Gwynne to sign a financial agreement. Next, she starts working on junior and putting thoughts in his head (since he can’t put any there himself), turning him against his mother. So what will hairboy do?

 

The print I watched on youtube was about 54 minutes long; imdb says the film is 65 minutes. Hopefully, no one is searching for the lost footage.

 

 

 

 

Chewbacca is berated by Princess Leia in this white trash production of Star Wars.

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Anne Gwynne realizes her Poligrip is not working.

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I have a feeling when this kid grows up, he is going to stab somebody in a shower.

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“It’s his own fault for carrying that anti-Trump poster.”

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“I see your implants have arrived.”

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#25 LawrenceA

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Posted 01 April 2016 - 12:41 AM

That one's a treat. Stay away from sharp objects while watching.



#26 scsu1975

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Posted 31 March 2016 - 09:11 PM

Coming soon:  Teenage Monster


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#27 scsu1975

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Posted 22 February 2016 - 04:11 PM

It! (1967)

Directed by Herbert J. Leder

 

Somewhat interesting horror opus, involving the legendary Golem.

 

Roddy McDowall gets top billing, as the Assistant Curator of a museum. He and the museum director investigate after a fire burns down one of their warehouses. The only thing left is a statue, which has some Hebrew writing on it. McDowall goes to get a flashlight, hears a yell, and returns to find his boss dead. Roll the opening credits.

 

McDowall acts strange very early on, and when we find out he keeps his dead mother’s corpse at his house, we begin to understand that he is one tree short of a hammock. McDowall tries to pursue a relationship with the daughter (Jill Haworth) of his previous boss, but she has enough brains to fend him off.

 

McDowall goes to a rabbi who transcribes the Hebrew on the statue. The translation is enough to scare the **** out of any normal person – but remember, we’re talking about McDowall here. McDowall locates a secret scroll which gives him complete mastery of the Golem. This power comes in handy when we meet the new Head Curator. After a few seconds of listening to this obnoxious s.o.b., the audience realizes that i) he is going to be killed, and ii) it will be a justifiable homicide.

 

Enter Paul Maxwell (a Harrison Ford lookalike), who is just in from the States to examine the statue and bring it to America – assuming he can get it past Donald Trump’s wall.  Maxwell wastes no time in putting the moves on Haworth, and she wastes no time playing tonsil hockey with him – all this while McDowall has the Golem destroying a bridge just for the hell of it.

 

McDowall eventually kidnaps Haworth as the authorities close in. The Golem guards McDowall’s estate, while the British army tries various weapons to destroy the thing, including a bazooka and a canon firing matzoballs.  In desperation, they decide to detonate a “small” nuclear warhead. Can Maxwell save Haworth in time? (Hint: there is a motorcycle conveniently parked at the bomb site.)

 

This film does have some creepy sequences, and McDowall is very effective as a weirdo. There are a few hilarious scenes where McDowall tries to ditch the Golem, but it keeps returning to the museum.  Guys, it’s probably worth sticking around for the entire film, as there is a fantasy sequence involving Haworth. Also, she seems to sport more and more cleavage as the film progresses.

 

 

 

 

 

McDowall realizes he is about to be promoted.

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The audience realizes why Jill Haworth has been cast in the film.

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McDowall realizes that Paul Maxwell is not shaving the Golem properly.

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Beldar Conehead realizes he is getting old.

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McDowall realizes the rabbi is actually a Jehovah’s Witness.

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I don’t think I’ll comment on this one.

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#28 Kid Dabb

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Posted 21 February 2016 - 12:40 PM

Roddy McDowall has never given a poor performance... or has he... stay tuned.


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#29 scsu1975

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Posted 20 February 2016 - 10:28 PM

Coming soon:  It!


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#30 scsu1975

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Posted 14 February 2016 - 09:44 PM

She Demons (1958)
Directed by Richard E. Cunha

 

Nazis, a mad scientist, a volcanic eruption, and Irish McCalla. What could possibly go wrong here?

 

Our story begins with hurricane footage, and we are told that the daughter of a rich corporate executive has gone missing in a boat. I don’t know the name of the guy who announces all this, but if you watched tv in the 60s, you heard him say on many occasions “A Quinn Martin Production.” Anyway, next thing we know, we see the occupants of the boat on a supposedly deserted island. The rich chick is played by the statuesque Irish McCalla, famous as the star of the 1950s tv series “Sheena, Queen of the Jungle.” Here, she trades her leopard skin for white blouse and shorts, and her adventurous character for a whining spoiled ****. Accompanying her are Tod Griffin, Victor Sen Yung, and some other guy who eventually gets shish kebabbed, so we’ll ignore him. Sen Yung intercepts a radio broadcast which says the island is going to be bombed by planes for target practice. (Had they bombed the island immediately, we would have been spared about 70 minutes of crap.) After a perilous trek through the jungle, where McCalla is threatened by a snake ten feet away from her, they settle down for the night. McCalla takes off her clothes behind a blanket. Even this did not impress me. Soon, they hear drums, and upon investigation, find a bunch of scantily clad dames dancing. Enter hefty Gene Roth in a Gestapo uniform, accompanied by some storm troopers (who wear neckties – hey, those Germans know how to dress.) Roth rounds up the dames and brings them to some cages, chastising them for trying to escape. Now, tell me, if you are trying to escape, do you take the time to stage a dance, with full brass and percussion accompaniment?

 

Our three borderline-stars find a door in the middle of nowhere, which turns out to be a laboratory. Roth surprises them, and he and Griffin slug it out. Actually, their stunt triples slug it out – their stunt doubles were too ashamed to appear in this film. Eventually, we find out that My Favorite Nazi, Rudolph Anders, is conducting weird experiments on the native women. Anders’ wife, played by a woman whose face is covered for almost the entire movie (good career move), has been disfigured, and Anders is trying to restore it. Since Botox© has not been invented yet, he opts for something he calls “Character X,” which he transfuses from her to a native subject – or maybe it’s the other way around, I lost track. Anders quickly sets his sights on McCalla, and attempts to romance her in his Nazi hangout. McCalla is attired in a black dress, which Anders says belongs to his wife. Sure, Rudolph. Your wife also happens to be 5’10” with measurements of 39-24-38.

 

In the exciting finale, Anders tries to do the transfusion routine on McCalla. The planes arrive and bomb the **** out of the place, and Anders is lava-ed to death. The viewing audience (what’s left of them) hurl themselves into the volcano.

 

There are a few lame attempts at humor, and even more lame attempts at acting. McCalla has an incredible physique, but can’t act worth a darn. And because she spends the first half hour of the film complaining about everything, she is a complete turn-off. Griffin can act, but has no charisma. What he does have is a weird patch of hair (or something) in the middle of his chest. He spends the first ten minutes of the film bare-chested, which makes no sense, since his body is only slightly more toned than Don Knotts’. Sen Yung gets off some wisecracks, like “Boy, this island is turning into one big hot plate!” and “Let’s blow this crazy fire trap!” I liked him better as Charlie Chan’s #2 son, rather than in this pile of #2. Anders chews the scenery, while Roth blocks the scenery. The dancing girls are played by the Diane Nellis Dancers. Yeah, I never heard of them either.

 

 

 

“I think he’s done on this side. Turn him over.”

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Victor Sen Yung brags about his breasts.

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“There is no need for concern, Fraulein. You can see how well my wife turned out.”

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Rudolph Anders brags about his breasts.

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“Hello, hello … you say your name is Gilligan?”

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Just a tip: when you have a picture of Hitler in your pad, you aren’t going to score with the chicks.

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Edited by scsu1975, 27 August 2017 - 06:47 PM.
Edited for Language

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#31 scsu1975

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Posted 23 December 2015 - 04:17 PM

Flesh Feast (1970)

Directed by Brad F. Grinter

 

Every aging actress should be required to watch this film, so they will be convinced to retire.

 

1940s starlet Veronica Lake stars as Dr. Elaine Frederick, a scientist who has discovered that if you feed maggots human tissue (preferably fresh tissue) and then place those maggots on a live human, the skin rejuvenates fast. So who needs that skin cream crap they sell on QVC?  Her talents are now in demand by some mysterious people, who are not actors. Some of these clowns appear to be German, while others appear to be South American.  And they are all waiting for the experiment to be done on their aged “commander,” who shows up in the last few minutes for a skin treatment. Guess who he is.

 

There are several young women in the cast, but I could not figure out what parts they were playing. One is a nurse, but she seemed to be working undercover for a guy who looked like Bill O’Reilly with a mustache. Another babe works directly with the O’Reilly character. Two other dames live with Lake; one is a bit looney and the other is just for set decoration.

 

In the riveting finale, Lake informs Adolf, who is strapped down, that the Nazis used her mother as a guinea pig for these same experiments. “Are you inzane?” cries Hitler. “I had nuzzing to do wit it! It vuz Eichmann ... und Goebbels!"  Lake sprinkles what appears to be parmesan cheese on his face and laughs hysterically. This led to the discovery of Adolf’s Meat Tenderizer.

 

I suppose this film has some camp value, if it’s concentration camp we’re talking. Lake looks like an aged  version of Veda Ann Borg. The only good looking chick in the cast is choked. The maggots perform admirably, and earned a special Oscar for “Best Short Subject.” One of the “actresses” is named Yanka Mann, which is a name more suited for the adult film industry.

 

 

 

This is one instance when “I sawed her” is grammatically correct.

 

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Try turning to your left, dimwit.

 

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Bill O’Reilly works on his latest book, “Killing Veronica Lake.”

 

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A rare still from the unreleased So Proudly We Heil.

 

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#32 scsu1975

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Posted 22 December 2015 - 02:35 PM

Coming soon:  Flesh Feast


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#33 scsu1975

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Posted 22 December 2014 - 10:14 AM

I Was a Teenage Frankenstein (1957)

Directed by Herbert L. Strock

 

Character actor Whit Bissell gets top billing as Dr. Frankenstein, a descendant of the Dr. Frankenstein.  Bissell, just in from his native England and with no trace of a British accent, lectures his colleagues on his radical ideas of sewing assorted parts together to form a human being.  Naturally, these idiots cannot comprehend his genius, which is precisely how I feel every time I lecture.

 

Bissell engages a physics professor (Robert Burton) to help with his experiments. Coincidentally, moments later, there is a terrible car crash right outside Bissell’s house.  Bissell and Burton abscond with one of the corpses. Burton feels squeamish, but Bissell reminds him that with the terrible wreck and bodies burned beyond recognition, no one will ever notice a body is missing. Apparently, these two clowns have never seen an episode of “Forensic Files.” They store the body in Bissell’s private morgue, where Bissell explains that he keeps a collection of spare parts. NAPA has nothing on this guy. The next day, Bissell saws off two hands and a leg from the carcass. He disposes of these appendages by feeding them to his alligator. But apparently Bissell has just run out of replacement parts. In another coincidence, a plane full of athletes has just crashed.  So Bissell picks up two hands from a wrestler and one leg from a football player, and voila – a monster who talks like Gary Conway is born.  Bissell coaxes Conway to articulate:

 

“Speak, you’ve got a civil tongue in your head, I know you have because I sewed it back myself.”

 

Conway has one major problem.  (Actually, he has several, seeing as how he is made up of miscellaneous people parts.)  His face is disfigured, so he has to remain in the basement. But he manages to wander out one night, and there is the obligatory “Peeping Monster” scene when some blonde chick decides to prance around in a nightgown while her curtains are open. These babes never learn.

 

All this is happening under the nose and breasts of the lovely Phyllis Coates, who plays Bissell’s live-in nurse/assistant/booty call. (Well, maybe this belongs in the sci-fi thread.)  Coates is busy planning their wedding, while Bissell is busy cutting and pasting.  Eventually Coates figures out what is going on, which means it will soon be mealtime for the alligator. Bissell explains her absence to Burton by saying she is “gone, disappeared. ‘Ah perfidy, thy name is woman.’ Quit me cold … Isn’t that the way of women?  To make us poor men suffer for their blunders.”  Shakespeare would be annoyed, and Debbie Wasserman Schultz  would be pi**ed.

 

Bissell and Conway go out looking for a face and find the ideal one:  Conway’s.  Conway’s face is grafted onto Conway’s body and now, incredibly, he looks just like Conway.  But another problem arises. Everyone in the area will recognize Conway’s face (including the cast of Burke’s Law), so Bissell comes up with an ingenious plan to get Conway out of the country. Since he put Conway together, he will simply disassemble Conway, ship the parts to England, and reassemble him there.  This reminds me of the directions in my old car manuals: “Installation is the reverse of removal.”

 

I have to give credit to Bissell for attempting to portray the romantic lead, mad scientist, and Shakespeare aficionado.  It doesn’t work, but he tried.  Burton serves mainly as a punching bag. Coates is not too believable as the naïve fiancée, but she’s fun to look at. Conway is good-looking and muscle bound, which is another way of saying he shows no acting talent. Paul Dunlap’s score is irritating and loud, with someone pounding the piano keys into submission.

 

 

 

Mil Mascaris prepares for his steel cage match.

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Conway is upset to discover that his multiple operations are not covered by the ACA.

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“I gave up a wonderful job on The Adventures of Superman just to appear in this crap?”

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“Stop calling me ‘Bones’! It’s insulting!”

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When your head is stuck up the a** of a corpse, your acting career has reached its nadir.

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“He’s rehearsing for the part of a tennis player on Land of the Giants.”

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#34 scsu1975

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Posted 19 December 2014 - 10:40 PM

Coming soon:  I Was a Teenage Frankenstein

 

 

 


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#35 scsu1975

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Posted 02 November 2014 - 06:29 PM

Night of the Blood Beast (1958)

Directed by Bernard Kowalski

 

Another cheapie from producer Roger Corman.

 

An astronaut (Michael Emmet) is killed when his ship crashes to earth. Despite his last recording that his velocity was over 6000 miles per hour, his body is in remarkably good shape when he is found.  In fact, his blood pressure is normal, and so is his body temperature. Blood tests reveal there is some strange “bacterioid” in his body.  Meanwhile, the lab where the rescue team is holding him is hit with a power failure. Unfortunately, there is still enough light to make the film. In short order, the attending doctor, played by Tyler McVey, is found hanging upside down with half his head removed.  Then Emmet rises from the dead, which is a scenario not covered by the Affordable Care Act.  A fluoroscope reveals aliens growing inside his body. So relax, as least it’s not ebola.

 

Apparently Emmet is in contact with a creature who hitched a ride on the ship (literally, “on” the ship). Emmet claims the creature is not dangerous and is only here to help.  Famous last words.  Eventually, Emmet leads the others to a cave, where the creature now speaks with McVey’s voice.  I guess that’s why part of McVey’s head was missing. The creature explains:  “For centuries we have been circling your Earth, waiting for a means to penetrate your atmosphere.   Your projectile was the first to provide a means of entry. Those before were not retractable, and burned as they fell back to Earth.” Freud could write a book about that quote.

 

Eventually the creature is destroyed by Molotov cocktails, although it would have been preferable if everyone associated with this film had drunk them instead.

 

The only recognizable member of the cast is Ed Nelson, pre “Peyton Place.”  The two women, Angela Greene and Giorgianna Carter, did nothing for me, but maybe that’s because they were dressed in jumpsuits.   Emmet shows off his hairy chest, which is not a pretty sight. The alien, which is quite stupid-looking, is played by Ross Sturlin, whose major claim to fame was playing a leech in Attack of the Giant Leeches.  So playing this monster was somewhat of an improvement. By the way, I have absolutely no idea what the title of this film means.

 

 

 

“Don’t worry, my dear. This small head attached to my arm will not affect our relationship.”

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“Geez, you need a John Deere to cut that thing.”

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I’m no gastroenterologist, but there is some serious **** going in on in this guy’s stomach.5zLd32d.png

 

 

“Oh my God!!  His shadow should be on the other wall!”

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You may think this is someone’s blood, but it’s actually the breakfast buffet at Motel 6.

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These Jimmy Durante backpacks never quite caught on.

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#36 joefilmone

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Posted 01 November 2014 - 08:16 PM

"It inpregnates man!" - great tralier ( it shows nothing) and poster.



#37 scsu1975

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Posted 31 October 2014 - 08:10 PM

Coming soon:  Night of the Blood Beast


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#38 patful

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Posted 13 August 2014 - 05:26 PM

I like a good bongo movie. Evidently, this isn't one of them.



#39 scsu1975

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Posted 10 August 2014 - 03:55 PM

The Disembodied (1957)

Directed by Walter Grauman

 

This film is not to be confused with The Disemboweled, which is what should have happened to everyone associated with this t u r d.

 

Any semblance of reality goes out the window when we immediately learn that statuesque Allison Hayes is married to jungle psychologist John Wengraf, who is approximately 500 years her senior. Too bad it’s never revealed how he bagged her, because I’d really like to know. Hayes jerks him around (with her voodoo dolls, that is) until three white men come to the Congo Condo. Their leader, played by pretty boy Paul Burke, informs the doc that one of his partners has been mauled by a lion. Hey, dude, there are eight million stories in the Naked Jungle … and this one ain’t of interest.  Wengraf can’t do much with the wounded man, but Hayes sneaks off, strips down, and does a voodoo dance, plunging a knife into a chicken. The chicken is then served at the local Kenya Fried Chicken.  The next day, Burke’s partner is healed, but one of the natives has gone belly up, apparently mauled by a lion. Hmm – coincidence, or just lousy script writing?  Burke investigates and discovers the native’s heart has been cut out. He then deduces that no lion could have done that. Thank you, Sherlock.

 

In short order, Hayes sets her sights and her tastebuds on Burke, and tries to convince him that Wengraf is looney.  Burke almost buys it, because, after all, when a babe like Hayes is playing tonsil hockey with you, you’ll pretty much swallow anything.  The rest of the film involves various members of the supporting cast getting knifed, choked, and speared … and that’s by the audience.

 

The normally seductive Hayes can’t save this picture. She looks bored to death, even when she’s making out with three different guys (not at the same time, mind you – that would have made the film more interesting, at least).  Her dance numbers are not very suggestive, and the bongo accompaniment made me want to gag. The sets are cheap and phony. The clock on Wengraf’s wall stays at 12 for the entire picture. The natives are silly stereotypes, constantly referring to themselves by their names when they speak: “Suba get doctor. Suba get water. Suba get paid for acting in this pile of do-do.”

 

 

 

“This was no boat accident! Did you notify the Coast Guard about this?”

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Hayes shows her rod to a guy, instead of the guy … well, you know.

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A rare still from the unreleased Saturday Night Jungle Fever.

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“Let’s not jump the gun. This could be some new type of shish kebab.”

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“Come on, this one film won’t affect your career that much.”

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Hayes reacts to the news that she’s just been given the lead in Attack of the 50 Foot Woman.

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#40 scsu1975

scsu1975

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Posted 08 August 2014 - 05:22 PM

Coming soon:  The Disembodied


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