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Kyle Kersten was a true friend of TCM. One of the first and most active participants of the Message Boards, “Kyle in Hollywood” (aka, hlywdkjk) demonstrated a depth of knowledge and largesse of spirit that made him one of the most popular and respected voices in these forums. This thread is a living memorial to his life and love of movies, which remain with us still.

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RICH'S B (AND WORSE) SCI-FI THREAD


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#1 scsu1975

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Posted 13 September 2017 - 08:03 PM

(the restoration of this thread continues)

 

The Crawling Hand (1963)

Directed by Herbert L. Strock

(originally posted here: http://forums.tcm.co...nd-1963/page-2)

 

Completely inept monstrosity, filmed on a dime.

An astronaut returning from the moon sends out a weird transmission, as he is apparently under the spell of some unknown power. Peter Breck and Kent Taylor, at "Space Operations," watch this tragedy unfold (as I did, for 88 minutes), before destroying the space capsule. Unbeknownst to them, part of the astronaut (guess which part) lands in California, where it is discovered by Rod Lauren and a former Miss Iceland. Had this body part been washed ashore in New Jersey, no one would have given this a second thought. Lauren, having the IQ of a college administrator, takes the hand home with him. After it chokes his landlady, it then tries to throttle Lauren, but instead, turns him into James Dean.

Allison Hayes makes a few brief appearances, which is too bad, because I would have gladly watched her for 88 minutes, despite her not being fifty-feet tall.


Rod Lauren as the "Rebel Without a Clue."
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In the film's only sexual reference, Peter Breck shows Allison Hayes his flag and rocket.
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Richard Arlen, looking competely lost without Buddy Rogers.
(Hey, Arlen has that same rocket. Maybe he misses Buck Rogers.)
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Kent Taylor and Peter Breck introduce themselves to Sheriff Alan Hale, Jr.,
who wishes he were shipwrecked.
mZcn4hR.jpg




1930s B-movie actress Arline Judge stars in "A Little Hand for the Big Lady."
eJJQEEo.jpg


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#2 scsu1975

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Posted 11 September 2017 - 01:34 PM

This thread is in the process of having photos restored, beginning with the oldest reviews.


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#3 DJBeacon

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Posted 04 September 2016 - 09:52 AM

Just stumbled upon two BAD films on YouTubes:

1) "Diagoro vs. Goliath" = I'm not sure what this is even about?!  I looks like some kind of HUGE monster hairless cat that has it's own WC or water closet out in the wilderness?  Definite Japanese kids hero-monster.  This makes Gamera look like "2001: A Space Odyssey".  I had to stop watching after 15 minutes so never saw Goliath.

2) "The Creeping Terror" = even WORSE  than above so only 10 minutes and GONE.  Some kind of alien spacecraft lands on Earth and starts off killing a sheriff.  EVERYTHING is wrong about this film.  A definite lesson on how NOT to make a movie.  I enjoy "Plan 9 From Outer Space" but this movie is terrible.


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#4 DJBeacon

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Posted 04 May 2016 - 04:54 PM

Sorry I missed this one. Thanks for the write-up.  Ed Nelson is always good and how can you go wrong with Dr. Spock.  The title sounds good too.

 



#5 scsu1975

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Posted 02 May 2016 - 07:49 PM

The Brain Eaters (1958)

Directed by Bruno VeSota

 

Stinkweed excuse for a film, about furry little things that take over people’s brains … or something to that effect.

 

The film opens with narration, which is usually a sure sign that crap is about to follow. A husband and wife (Alan Frost, Jody Fair) are driving along, when they hear an explosion. Upon investigating, they find a couple of dead animals. Then they stumble across a large cone-shaped object.

 

Fair: “What is it?”

Frost: “I don’t know.”

 

Now the scene shifts to Washington DC, where Senator Walter K. Powers (Jack Hill) is part a UFO committee. We see film of the cone, and are informed that the cone is 50 feet high and has a base diameter of 50 feet. Now I ask you, what is the volume of the cone? (Not really, I just got carried away.)

 

Senator Walter K. Powers arrives in town and meets with Frost, who happens to be the Mayor’s son. They head out to the cone, where scientist Ed Nelson is investigating, along with Joanna Lee and some old guy. Nelson fires his gun into a hole in the cone, to show that the “point of origin becomes the point of return.”

 

Senator Walter K. Powers: “What’s really on the inside of that thing?”

Old guy scientist:  “I don’t know.”

 

Nelson enters the cone, searching for the plot, and finds nothing.

 

Senator Walter K. Powers: “Well that thing has some purpose. What’s it for?”

Nelson:  “I don’t know.”

 

Audience: “Why the hell are we watching this?”

Me: 'I DON'T KNOW."

 

Things go downhill quickly, but not fast enough to suit me. The Mayor has been taken over by something attached to his back. A cop gets taken over by something attached to his back. Lee gets taken over by something attached to her back. Everybody has a gun and shoots at anything that moves.

 

Eventually Nelson and Frost get inside the cone and find Leonard Nimoy, and a bunch of the furry things. Nimoy bores us with his philosophy: “Our social order is pure … innocent … it has the exactitude of mathematics. We shall force upon man a life free from strife and turmoil.” Sounds great … let’s start by deep-sixing this film.

 

 

 

Senator Walter K. Powers, flasher.

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This film could have used more of this.

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This is all we see of Leonard Nimoy, which probably saved his career.

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“Sorry dear, but it’s your mother calling again. She wants to know how that skin rash is doing.”

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In this rare photo just released by the National Archives, Richard Nixon attempts to stuff a gun up Tor Johnson’s nostril.

qrh7VN9.png

 

 

 

 

Frost: “Why are we all standing on an angle?”

Nelson: “I don’t know.”

AjfDXjp.png


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#6 scsu1975

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Posted 30 April 2016 - 08:42 PM

Coming soon:  The Brain Eaters

 

 


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#7 DougieB

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Posted 30 November 2014 - 08:00 AM

The fact that you've unearthed the formula for generating bulls... should be of interest to any number of people on these boards. Job well done.


"When Fortuna spins you downward, go out to a movie and get more out of life."...Ignatious J. Reilly, A Confederacy of Dunces


#8 scsu1975

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Posted 29 November 2014 - 01:43 PM

The Cosmic Man (1959)

Directed by Herbert S. Greene

 

More or less a rip-off of The Day The Earth Stood Still, minus the talent, suspense, special effects, and pretty much everything else.

 

A ball-shaped UFO arrives in a canyon, and the military, led by sourpuss Colonel Paul Langton, investigate. They are joined by Bruce Bennett, who plays an astrophysicist from Pacific Tech. The producers should have gotten a running back from Georgia Tech. There is an immediate clash between Langton and Bennett, due to the usual debate between military and scientific methodology.  Eventually, we discover that Bennett was responsible for the creation of the A-bomb; now, we can partially blame him for participating in this bomb. While they spar, local innkeeper Angela Greene drives up with her wheelchair-bound son, which should tug at your heartstrings, but instead, gives you heartburn.  Langton tries to impress Greene’s son with football talk, while Bennett tries to impress the kid with astronomy talk. Yet, no one in his/her right mind would believe either of these clowns has a shot at Greene.  But hey, you never know in science fiction.

 

Langton’s men and Bennett take turns playing with the giant ball, getting nowhere fast.  Meanwhile, a shadowy figure is seen wandering around the neighborhood, resulting in women screaming, police cars speeding down streets, and audience members heading for the exits. 

 

Shortly thereafter, John Carradine shows up at the inn and asks for a room. Carradine wears glasses that would make Marvin Kaplan envious.  Greene gives him a room in the back of the inn, and forgets about him.

 

Bennett and his associate, a character oddly named Dr. Rich Richie (you can’t make this stuff up) collaborate on a plan of action:

 

Bennett: “And suppose this phantom atom contains particles of a mass of m minus vibrating along the axis x under a force of kx towards the origin. You know the equation, Rich.”

 

Rich:  “Got it.”

 

Bennett: “If left alone, those particles should vibrate with a constant amplitude and frequency of six minus forever, right?”

 

Rich:  “Right.”

 

I’m no astrophysicist, but this is actually the correct equation for generating bulls***. I’ve tried it, and it works.

 

Greene finally remembers there is a stranger at the inn. Now the shadowy figure shows up (with John Carradine’s voice … surprise, surprise) and we get the obligatory alien warning to grow up, stop fighting, use contraceptives, eat your spinach, etc.  He also says he will be taking off soon (assuming he is not flying Air Tran).  So Langton and his imbecilic General devise a plot to stop the alien.  But Carradine snatches Greene’s son and heads for the big ball.  Will the boy be rescued?  (yes) Will the boy be miraculously cured? (yes)  Will Carradine get attacked?  (yes) Will either Bennett or Langton score with Greene? (don’t make me nauseous)

 

Greene, who was wasted (her talent, not her physical condition) in Night of the Blood Beast, at least has something to do here, and looks pretty good. Bennett looks tired, old, and uninspired;  he must have needed a paycheck. Carradine is only onscreen for a few minutes; I doubt that was also him as the shadowy figure, which looked like Zorro in a tutu.

 

 

 

How Peeping Toms get their start.

DyRsIpy.jpg

 

 

 

“Hmm… so pi r square … but wait, pi r round, aren’t they??”

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“Hello, Beijing Buffet?  About these chopsticks you sent with my order … I can figure out the square root of two.”

ZniHRZA.jpg

 

 

 

“Bad news, dear. Blake Edwards hired that @#$%^$#@ Mickey Rooney to play the part.”

9jc2s6T.png

 

 

 

“I can’t be certain, but my best guess is that it’s from Oz.”

JBg95Jy.png

 

 

 

I knew giving that kid a telescope was a bad idea.
A3FnnfI.png


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#9 scsu1975

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Posted 28 November 2014 - 02:17 PM

Love the voice of the guy narrating the trailer!

That's Paul Frees.


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#10 joefilmone

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Posted 28 November 2014 - 01:32 PM

Love the voice of the guy narrating the trailer!



#11 scsu1975

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Posted 28 November 2014 - 12:16 PM

Coming soon:  The Cosmic Man


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#12 DougieB

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Posted 01 October 2014 - 07:18 AM

After this one, I think we all need a time-out in the Drill Hall.


"When Fortuna spins you downward, go out to a movie and get more out of life."...Ignatious J. Reilly, A Confederacy of Dunces


#13 scsu1975

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Posted 27 September 2014 - 09:12 PM

The Earth Dies Screaming (1964)

Directed by Terence Fisher

 

…and the viewer dies of boredom. This film is proof that the British can make movies just as crappy as the Americans.

 

The opening is somewhat interesting, with people dropping like flies, reminiscent of Village of the Damned. Enter Willard Parker, playing a pilot who happens upon a village loaded with stiffs. He wanders around town for a few minutes. In short order, he is joined by Dennis Price and Virginia Field, who  pretend to be married for some unknown reason. Next come Thorley Walters and Vanda Godsell, who pretend to like each other for some unknown reason. Finally come a young couple played by David Spenser and Anna Palk, who pretend to act for some unknown reason.

 

A few aliens in spacesuits stroll around town for no apparent reason, although I suspect they were trying to find their way out of this film. Attempts to shoot them fail. Parker speculates the aliens are under somebody’s control: “Without any mind or intelligence at all, they’d be worse than animals.” True, but they’d make great congressmen.

 

One of the aliens offs Godsell, but she eventually revives as some kind of zombie with cleavage. That briefly caught my attention. The rest of the cast mostly bickers.  Parker finally figures out a way to neutralize the aliens, and the earth does not die, nor does it scream.

 

Parker (the only American in the cast) and his real-life wife Field are well beyond their prime, but they still manage to out-act everyone else.  Price is a pain in the a** and you’ll be wishing him dead. And trust me, some wishes do come true.  Godsell is wasted and so is her cleavage.  Walters acts like a **** and looks like a bizarre cross between Troy Donahue and Rip Taylor.  I’ve never seen Spenser before, but I remember Palk looked pretty good naked in Horror on Snape Island.

 

 

 

“ ’Ere now, what’s de idea of lookin’ at me bum like dat?”

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“For the last time, cut out that stupid Napoleon impersonation!”

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The Marty Feldman Graveyard.

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This guy obviously has Time-Warner Cable.

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This is the only film in history in which a Venn Diagram is hanging from the ceiling.

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You know, there are just too many subtle things going on in this scene.

FXFMRJq.png


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#14 scsu1975

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Posted 25 September 2014 - 05:47 PM

Coming soon:  The Earth Dies Screaming


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#15 Bronxgirl48

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Posted 27 July 2014 - 10:20 PM

Hi, Rich, thanks!  I'm still here, mainly as a big lurker!  Can't stay away from your threads; I read them avidly.   As for Cesare and Sean, I won't give away any spoilers, lol, except to say that the ending is similiar to the one from QUEEN OF OUTER SPACE.  And yep, they're on that comet.



#16 scsu1975

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Posted 27 July 2014 - 09:41 AM

Hi Barb:

 

Haven't seen this one in years, but from what I remember (and what you wrote), glad I did not waste my time on it again.  Don't Danova and McClory end up on a comet during a collision with Earth, then somehow manage to get back again?

 

Thanks for contributing your commentary to the thread!


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#17 Bronxgirl48

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Posted 26 July 2014 - 10:31 PM

Rich, did you see VALLEY OF THE DRAGONS today?  Rodan puts in an unexpected and delightful guest appearance! There is also a shameless Morlock ripoff, lots of hapless iguanas getting the you-know-what knocked out of them, a ridiculous plastic Halloween spider, suave Cesare Danova running around half-naked in caveman fur, and (you'll like this the best) underwater cheesecake with Joan Staley.  This cheapjack production immediately references Jules Verne in opening narration, an obvious, even desperate, attempt to establish "high-class" literary credibility a la George Pal's THE TIME MACHINE (but where is Rod Taylor when you need him?) Unfortunately, since the director includes heavy stock footage from Hal Roach's ONE MILLION B.C., this movie is filmed in chintzy black & white, further negating any sort of evocative quaintly lush (or lushly quaint) Victorian sci-fi fantasy ambience.  "Frenchman" Cesare and his hearty Irish romantic rival, Sean McClory, manage to survive comet catastrophe, prehistoric "monsters", and tribal warfare, plus of course they're able to immediately secure Stone Age female companionship.  It helps that the girls are eminently presentable thanks to 1960's hair and make-up and also that the rest of their men resemble Murvyn Vye lookalikes.



#18 scsu1975

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Posted 17 July 2014 - 01:34 PM

War of the Satellites (1958)

Directed by Roger Corman

 

65-minute quickie with the standard plot of aliens trying to stop us from moving out into space, as opposed to the reverse which is happening now at our southern border.

 

Richard Devon plays a scientist who can’t figure out why our satellites are getting destroyed by something called the “Sigma Barrier.” Aliens send a message (in Latin) basically saying “no trespassing.” Undeterred, Devon decides he is going to hop aboard a rocket and find out the real story. Before he can, the aliens bump him off and replace him with a lookalike.  The mission proceeds, with three rockets being launched which will rendezvous in space. The special effects for the rendezvous are something to behold; if you ever wanted to see what it’s like for a rocket to hit the brakes in space, this is the film for you.  Next, some spare parts emerge from each rocket, and voila, we have a satellite, with several crew members on board. One of the crew members has been suspicious of Devon ever since Devon’s hand got toasted black by a torch, yet miraculously turned to white by the time the doctor arrived. Hey, ever hear of Michael Jackson? Of course, this crew member is offed by Devon.  Roger Corman stock player Dick Miller, as the navigator, smells a rat (and also, another paycheck from Corman). When he sees Devon turn into two, that clinches it.  Now the race is on to stop Devon from directing the satellite into the barrier.

 

This is modest entertainment, and will probably evince a few chuckles here and there. Miller, with his Bronx accent and Brylcreem curly top hairdo, seems out of place as the hero, especially since everyone in the cast except Susan Cabot towers over his 5’5” frame. And speaking of Cabot, she is largely wasted in some unknown role. She does not appear to be a scientist nor Devon’s personal assistant, but somehow comes along for the ride anyway. At least in The Wasp Woman, she got to sting a few losers.  Devon has one expression on his face for most of the film. In the most bizarre sequence, he wills himself to grow a heart to fool the ship’s doctor. The look on his face during this transformation suggests he is growing more than a heart. 

 

Elsewhere, reliable faces like Robert Shayne and Michael Fox show up, with Fox stretching his talent by attempting a middle-Eastern accent. Trust me, it’s too much of a stretch. Director Corman shows up in a few scenes as a control room technician.

 

As usual, the science and mathematics make no sense, but the capper comes during the conclusion when Miller announces they are passing “Andromeday.” Next stop:  Ursula Minor.

 

 

 

Uh … does anyone else notice the lights are pointing up?

tlMxOVB.png

 

 

 

On the planet Vulcan, this is considered foreplay.

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Gary Lockwood puts in a cameo appearance.

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Well, it does get lonely in space.

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Inspector Henderson breaks the news to Jimmy and Lois that under the new government regulations, Superman has been deported.

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Now most people would focus on Devon’s black hand. Me, I’m wondering about that pessary to his right.

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Either that microphone is poorly placed, or this is one hell of a ventriloquism act.

Gdttx05.png


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#19 scsu1975

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Posted 16 July 2014 - 03:29 PM

Coming soon:  War of the Satellites


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#20 DougieB

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Posted 03 January 2014 - 08:26 AM

If William Castle had directed this thing, at least he would have had the courtesy to have a fake nurse issue the paralyzing nerve gas to the audience.

"When Fortuna spins you downward, go out to a movie and get more out of life."...Ignatious J. Reilly, A Confederacy of Dunces





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