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Bronxie, I denied to my sister and I deny that here, now - that is NOT ME in that cartoon. I've hardly ever called my sister "Godzilla" to her, uh, face. Or whatever that is she uses.

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I had certain family members who resembled Godzilla, and an uncle from Brooklyn who frightened me the most, because he looked and bellowed like Michael V. Gazzo as Frankie Pentangeli from GODFATHER II.


Edited by: Bronxgirl48 on Feb 15, 2010 11:52 PM

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The Giant Gila Monster (1959)
Directed by Ray Kellogg
Produced by Ken "Festus" Curtis

Hot rods, rock and roll, teenagers (well, adults pretending to be teenagers), and the title creature ... sounds like it can't miss. It does, but it's not entirely bad.

Don Sullivan plays Chase Winstead, auto mechanic and singer non-extraordinaire. He and the local sheriff, played by Fred Graham, are perplexed at a recent spate of motor vehicle accidents, none of which involve Lindsay Lohan. Chase tows a car with a drunk who claims he was run off the road by something with pink and black stripes. While the drunk is sobering up, Chase pounds out his fender and croons "My baby she rocks, and rolls ..." Time for a quick bathroom break. The drunk sobers up and we learn he is Steamroller Smith, famous disk jockey. Yes, you guessed it - there will be more singing before it's over.

In a useless subplot, Chase has a kid sister who needs braces to walk. This is just an excuse for Chase to break out his ukulele and warble another song, which has the inspiring refrain "And the Lord said laugh, children, laugh, and the Lord said laugh, children, laugh." Lord, make him stop; I ain't laughing.

Meanwhile, the title creature is roaming around the Texas woods, occasionally causing some mayhem, like eating a hitchhiker. He also destroys a set of Lionel trains. Hey, didn't we see Gomez do this every week on "The Addams Family?"

In the climax, the gang holds a dance in a barn, and Steamroller Smith plays a few records, including one by Chase Winstead, singer poor-excellence. It gets worse. By popular demand, Chase performs live ... and there is a ukulele conveniently nearby.
"And the Lord said laugh, children, laugh ..." Holy s***. Fortunately, he is interrupted when the title creature crashes into the barn.

Chase's French girlfriend is played by Lisa Simone, who may be the oldest foreign-exchange student I've ever seen. Simone apparently retired after this film, which is too bad. She does have some acting talent. Shug Fisher plays the town wino whose breath is occasionally checked by Fred Graham. Bob Thompson plays the town whiner, whose acting credentials should have been checked.

Eliminate the songs, and this film is decent. While the acting is not stellar, there are enough interesting characters and some good comic scenes to keep your interest. The hot rods are cool. Sullivan is an appealing fellow when he's not singing. And Lisa Simone is a babe.

Thelma Ritter tells the sheriff what he can do in his hat.

I think there is some sexual subtext to this scene.

Time for another bathroom break.

Yes, I think these two are definitely in love.

It must take a long time to grow a moustache in the shape of a semicircle.

Please, Lord, not again. Where the hell is John Belushi when you need him?

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For me,THE GIANT GILA MONSTER falls in the classification of "cheap '50's horror films that I loved as a kid". I make no apologies for still liking them. It bring backs memories of many Saturday afternoons spent (OK, some might say wasted) enjoying films like this and its companion film THE KILLER SHREWS at a run down theater, in my hometown, that specialized in films that the bigger ones avoided like the plague.


I guess I should really bring back those memories by not only watching it again, but to get the true effect I'll sit in a chair with a broken spring poking through and will eat a bag of very stale popcorn. Ah, those were the days.

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I agree, Mark. Most of my memories of these films were from television, not the movie theater, but I will take these any day over Citizen Kane.

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> {quote:title=HollywoodGolightly wrote:}{quote}

> I'll bet those flicks looked so much better in 35mm. ;)


> But what's even better, nothing beats the experience of watching them in a crowded theater. :D


Well, I'm not sure that even pristine 35mm prints would have helped those two, but back then nobody seemed to care. Still it was great fun being at a Saturday matinee with my buddies and a couple of hundred other kids.


Oh, oh, here comes the memories again. Will somebody please past me some stale popcorn and a warm coke? :)

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> {quote:title=markfp2 wrote:}{quote}

> Oh, oh, here comes the memories again. Will somebody please past me some stale popcorn and a warm coke? :)


Just out of curiosity, did they serve you the Coke in a can or was did they get it from the fountain machine and serve it in paper cups?

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The Amazing Colossal Man (1957)
Directed by Bert I. Gordon

This is a fairly decent movie, and at 80 minutes, moves along briskly.

Langan plays a Colonel who gets burned in a plutonium explosion. Instead of croaking, his skin rejuvenates, which astounds his doctor, played by William Hudson. Hudson's claim to fame is playing the sleazeball husband Harry in Attack of the 50-Foot Woman. Before he knows it, Hudson has another giant on his hands, as Langan starts growing at the rate of 8 to 10 feet per day. (Remember folks, if this growth lasts for more than four hours, consult your physician.) This causes some distress for Langan's fiancee, played by Cathy Downs. Downs, a brunette, is inexplicably made up as a blonde, and with her hairstyle, looks like Vera Miles in Psycho.

Langan is soon outfitted in Huggies and spends his time in a circus tent. Eventually, he gets fed up and wanders off, heading towards Vegas. And you know the saying: What happens in Vegas, gets turned into an American-International Picture. Meanwhile, back at the lab, Hudson's colleague has found a serum to stop Langan from growing, and is sure he can also get Langan to shrink. He calls his new find "Argaiv." Langan is now around 60 feet tall and tipping the scales at 18,000 pounds, making him eligible to appear on "The Biggest Loser." He causes some mayhem at Vegas hotels, and scares Elvis half out of Ann Margret. After Hudson & Co. manage to inject him with the serum, Langan snatches Downs and does a King King routine at Boulder Dam.

The special effects are poor, since you can see right through Langan when he becomes a giant. If you can ignore this and the Korean war stock footage, concentrate on Langan's acting. He is quite believable as a poor schnook who can't understand why this is happening to him.

Oh, the babe in the bathtub is former Playmate Jean Moorhead. And composer Albert Glasser needs to lay off the percussion.

"You pull these, and your chute opens up. Or else you kiss your *** goodbye."

"Let me try to explain what is happening to your fiancee."

The worst blind date ever.

"Get back in your car, and drive 5 miles until you see the giant bald guy.
Now back to our feature film: Laraine Day, Turhan Bey, Fernando Rey ..."

The big guy auditions for an Imperial Margarine commercial.

I once got arrested for doing this.

Another drug-related death.

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?Once they were men, now they are land crabs.?[/b]


And that line is said with a straight face.


?LAWRENCE OF ARABIA???? Awww heck, ANYone could have directed that. Camels...deserts...

sexually sadistic pencil-thin mustachioed generals? Ha! A walk in the park. ESSENTIAL? I?ll show you ESSENTIAL: Roger Corman is essential as they come when he shows us monstrous radio-active giant crabs in 1957?s ?ATTACK OF THE CRAB MONSTERS.? Now THAT takes talent! And this from an Academy Award winner to boot.


The movie opens with a compendium of stock footage shots of an atomic explosion. Oooh, the destruction is awe-inspiring. Nothing survives, though I did see a shot of what looked like people running. (Huh?)


Everyone in this movie has a look-a-like. One of the scientists look like Jean Hersholt with a terry-bull, phoney baloney French axe-scent. Another rugged, hirsute scientist looks like Hugh O?Brien. Then another looks like the professor from ?Gilligan?s Island.? Holy crabs, it IS the Professor from ?Gilligan?s Island? (handsome Russell Johnson) is the tech support/handyman of this merry band of foolhardy, phony-accented, wonder bra wearing scientists! Handsome Ed Nelson (of ?Peyton Place? fame) is a short-lived Navy man. And there?s a busty brunette who?s no Gloria Talbot, but she fills out a turtleneck sweater nicely and can make coffee, so...she?ll do.


As the navy crew lands, one of the sailors falls overboard from a --rowboat-- speedboat not too far from the beach. To me, it looked like the sailors could?ve waded ashore, but when the man falls over, he goes down d-e-e-e-e-p in the briny waters and...a giant papier mache eye opens up. Crikey! What the crap was that? The sailor sees it and gives out with a great open-mouthed scream!!! Bubbles gurgle, legs try to swim away but this no-budget, ill-trained Navy seal is no match for whatever it is he saw. Tsk! Tsk! We know this sailor is a goner.


Scientist #1: ?Took his head off. His head?!?


Peyton Place Nelson: ?I?m afraid so...?


Scientist #2: ?I hope that man?s death is not an omen of things to come.?


Oh brother, if only he took the hint from the on-the-nose dialogue he sprouted. That was his clue rat thar. Well, at least it?s a signpost for us, if not the characters.


The band of scientists stay in a swell cabin on the island built by natives we don?t see, that has wood panelling. (Great digs, though it looks like some suburban tract home?s basement). They?re on the island to research the effects of fallout from the radioactive blasts we saw in the stock footage at the beginning of the movie. Far be it for me to speculate why they?re breathing that air. An avalanche of rocks barrels down on the unsuspecting navy crew while they look around to see what the noise is. (Gobs, look up...look up, why don?cha!) I love how Corman shakes the camera (a la ?Star Trek?) to simulate the cast being shaken by earthquake-like tremors. More stock footage appears of boulders falling when as they land near the cast, it?s actually a couple pebbles raining down on their knuckleheads.


You think David Lean and John Ford are the only directors who could go on location?? Au contraire my fellow classic films cinematical snobs! Roger Corman could too, and there he is on some beach that is so loud, the water practically drowns out the dialogue from the cast standing near the shore. I played it back a couple of times to really hear what they were saying but who am I kidding...I?m waitin? for the crab monsters.


So, narrated by the Professor in his talking to the sailors, we have a geologist, a botanist, the (GloriaTalbot/Hugh O?Brian look-a-likes) biologists and bringing up the rear is a nuclear physicist. And they can?t figure out that it must not be safe to breathe the contaminated air on that island?? Oh, if they only had Marie Windsor with ?em, she?d tell ?em and slap ?em senseless too!!


Corman also captures some really cool under water footage worthy of Ivan Tors. But again I wonder, the biologists go scuba diving without a suit. Wasn?t the water contaminated in the blast too? I know I know. Who wants to ruin the full effect of cheese / beefcake by having them wear rubber waterproof suits. Awakened in the middle of the (day-for) night (shots) by the echoing voice of a dead comrade, the girl biologist puts on her clothes to go exploring without letting anyone else know. (Would you?) She does run into the phoney baloney French-accented geologist who wants to go down into the abyss to see what?s going on. He?s not afraid:


(GIRL) BIOLOGIST: ?Jim you don?t know what?s down there.?


GEOLOGIST: ?What could be other than earth, water and a few land crabs.


On the nose again. Geez are these folks even listening to themselves???


So down he climbs down the rocks, on a rope that doesn?t look like it could hold one full load of laundry much less his rotund mis-shapen figure. More camera earthquake-like tremors ensue, the girl biologist keels over, and the geologist loses his grip on the rope, his best ?Wilhelm Scream? as he plotzes into the pit. When the others run up on her, without examination the physicist knows that she?s just fainted. As soon as the hairy biologist touches her she springs awake and they clinch.


(BOY) BIOLOGIST: ?Are you hiding something from us doc? A theory perhaps??




Good God man, now is not the time to clam up and keep secrets. The Navy brings up the rear again as these two Johnnies-come-lately run up to the group at the cliff where our Frenchy botanist science guy has fallen over. And what does the Military have to say for itself...


SAILOR #1: ?I thought you were the boogie man.?


SAILOR #2: ?I thought we heard a girl screaming during the was pretty dark where we were. But it looked like the whole island was coming down. The boulders almost crashed us in the tent.?


Why aren?t the military sharing quarters with the scientists? Why are they apart from the group? Why do they seem to be the last to know ANYthing? Why am I asking all these questions? I know... don't ask, don't tell. (Hmmm...pithy phrase).


I love Corman?s obvious foreshadowing when he shows the tiny crabs crawling on the beach. But back at the island cabin where the biologists are, they hear a scratching noise. When hairy guy goes in, a giant claw knocks the gun out of his hand. I am amazed that they both stay in the cabin and not run away. Why don?t they just run away? They stay in the cabin as the electricity goes out. They stand in the dark until the noise stops. Why didn?t they run away? Wouldn?t you? Corman has his reasons, I?m who am I to question them. When joined by the others after the destruc-tion of the lab, the hairy biologist asks ?Why do you suppose it didn?t come through the door and get us?? No one, but NO ONE asks them ?WHY THE HECK DIDN?T YOU RUN AWAY YOU NERDY NINCOMPOOPS?!! Now that?d be the better question. But they all go about lacka-

daisically picking up the pieces of the lab. If you?re telling me hairy science guy didn?t actually SEE that giant papier mache claw...


* (Suspend your disbelief, CineMaven...suspend your disbelief...) *


(BOY) BIOLOGIST: ?If there is a single cause, then that cause is outside of nature as we know it.?


PHYSICIST: ?...We are unquestionably on the brink of a great discovery. It is not likely that that discovery will be of a pleasant nature. That is the sum of my knowledge. If you need more I suggest you ask Dr. McClain the next time he calls in the night.?


You don?t say. Ummm...Dr. McClain is dead, folks. So a fat load of good that does these stranded fools.


They all go back out at night into the cave, to try and retrieve their fallen comrade (the geologist who fell off the rope). There?s a small cave-in which impedes the group?s search and the French scientist is hit with some rocks. The rocks sever his hand from his arm. (Wilhelm Screams) and the two sailor boys run up on them. Late. Again. This does not look well for our military. The doctors bandage up Frenchy and get him back to the cabin. With our new healthcare reform, he could have that taken care of without being penalized for pre-existing conditions.


The sailors play a ?hand? of cards and are attacked by this unknown, unseen off-screen thing and now THEIR voices can be heard summoning our one-handed Frenchman. He goes out into the dark, bloody stump and all, and tells no one. For his secrecy, he is promptly greeted by a giant claw that wraps around his french neck. C?est la vie! More bloodcurdling screams ensue, waking up the whole household of scientists. (This time it is Russell Johnson offering up the beefcake standing there without a shirt. Nice).


As they stand and wonder how they hear but do not see our French scientist, the physicist explains:


?No, I do not believe in ghosts. We are dealing with a man who is dead, but whose voice and memory live. How this can be, I do not know, but its implication is far terrible than any ghost could ever be.?


(See, the crab is now speaking with a French also omniscient and was apparently a ladies? man as well. That?s a lot for a crab to digest).


When the physicist is asked: ?You have theories, doctor??


He replies:?Perhaps.?


What the HECK!! What?s up with this clam (soon-to-be crab)??!!! How the heck did he finish his Ph.D???


The group now takes orders from the disembodied voice and go into the cave again. (Yeah...again!) We finally see the crab in all its full frontal glory. (Blech!!) The scientists throw hand grenades at it, impaling its skull with some sharp rocks. No sooner do they cut off a claw, than ANOTHER giant crab appears. And boy, is it CRABBY!!! ...And speaks with a French accent too. I say again to you who are reading this, what in the heck...


(BOY) BIOLOGIST: ?That means that the crab can eat its victims brain, absorbing his mind intact and working.?


PHYSICIST: ?It?s as good a theory as any other to explain what?s happened.?


Our female biologist is torn. She thinks the crab should be killed (?Doctor, you?re not going to suggest that we save it for science. That would be suicide?)... even though she?d like to examine a live specimen. Listen Honey, you can't have your crab and have it eat you too! Wimmin!


Looks like the crab itself is using the dynamite to shrink the island. You see, this is no willy nilly monster that ravages a city...our crab monsters think and can speak to humans!


But I had to laugh. NOT at the stock footage, NOT at the pebbles, NOT at the papier mache monster crab. But while Gilligan?s professor, and the brunette biologist are supposed to be in the cave setting a trap for our wily crabby crab, Russell is actually kind of trying to hit on her. Luckily for her chastity, the sleeping crab?s snoring stops Russell from kissing her. (I betcha didn?t know crabs could snore, didja? Well...I learned something new...romance has no timeframe).


How did Corman get that crab monster to crawl across the beach? Were there men inside a suit, was it animatronics? Strings? There I go asking questions again. Sorry.


So now they have a **** off crab...a female one at that...who is PREGNANT:


?So, you have wounded me. I must grow a new claw. Well then good. For I can do it in a day. But will you grow new lives when I have taken yours from you??



Aw geez...they've gone and done it now. When will men learn about the female of the species????


I have to tell you, I?m thoroughly impressed. No where in the annals of movie history have giant monsters ever talked and threatened human beings and used its brain (actually our brains) to outwit us, not lumber along like Godzilla, or the beast from 20,000 fathoms, or giant ants, spiders, tarantulas or fifty-foot women. Oh wait...I take that back about the fifty-foot woman.


I?m loving the ?getting-to-know-you? scene between the brunette and the (Gilligan) Professor. So touching. So out of place. Corman has layered this film with a love triangle. I don?t remember seeing THAT in ?Lawrence of Arabia.?


When the two scientist follow the trail of oil into the cave they seem very surprised that they come upon the crab monster...WHO LIVES IN THE CAVE!!! Aye yi yi. The poor physicist tasers himself with the electronic ray meant for the crab. Yeah, he?s a goner as he?s eaten alive and incorporated into the crab?s mindset, a nice toasty morsel for our crabby pregnant crab. I think ice cream'd go good with that.


The island is getting smaller and smaller thanks to the quakes caused by the crab, they blast it with hand grenades and bullets with NO effect. The (boy) biologist fights it off with an axe, while Russell Johnson climbs up an electronic tower, our preggers crab in hot pursuit.


I loved this movie as a kid, and now as a (so-called) adult, I have to confess, I still love it. You can keep David Lean and John Ford. I?ll take Roger Corman. Any time!


Crabs legs anyone?


And Rich, next time you take a bath...draw the curtains so you won't get arrested for indecent exposure. See, that was your mistake.

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So you've discovered the fractured French of Mel Welles! Isn't he a pip?

Remember him in LITTLE SHOP OF HORRORS, lol?


You've made me want to see the crabs all over again. The old lady side of my brain knows I wrote some stuff on it, but for the life of me I can't remember where! (because whatever I wrote, went RIGHT out of my head) I looked back in this thread, and it ain't there. (ditto the Horror Forum) I think it was over a year ago....


Edited by: Bronxgirl48 on Mar 21, 2010 7:41 PM

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> {quote:title=Bronxgirl48 wrote:}{quote}

> You've made me want to see the crabs all over again. The old lady side of my brain knows I wrote some stuff on it, but for the life of me I can't remember where! (because whatever I wrote, went RIGHT out of my head) I looked back in this thread, and it ain't there. (ditto the Horror Forum) I think it was over a year ago....


Here it is:

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Thanxxx for citing that Rich.


Hey, Bronxie. I just read the 2007 post of yours and Rich. They made me laugh aloud. My God...I seem to follow in your footsteps instead of being original. Sorry.

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My memory is getting so bad, it's like I'm reading that old thread for the first time, LOL. Thanks, Rich!

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Whattaya TALKIN'???? Are you kidding? You're one of US now! I'm still the appetizer and you're the main course, and I DEVOUR every word you write! More, more! Because of my lousy memory, I didn't have a frame of reference to be able to respond to your meaty crab ramble. I get such a kick out of reading your thoughts on these kinds of movies. I see we both noticed that decorative wood paneling, ha! Russell Johnson was kind of a nerdy hunk, wasn't he? I used to watch Gilligan's Island just for him, lol.


It's pretty arid here in Boca, men-wise. I'd even consider going out on a date with a French-accented crab.

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> Russell Johnson was kind of a nerdy hunk, wasn't he? I used to watch Gilligan's Island just for him, lol.



Oh my goodness, it's nice to know I am not the only one.



> It's pretty arid here in Boca, men-wise. I'd even consider going out on a date with a French-accented crab.


Do you have any prejudices against French-accented crustaceans of another species?

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"Russell Johnson was kind of a nerdy hunk, wasn't he? I used to watch Gilligan's Island just for him, lol." - < BRONXGIRL >


"Oh my goodness, it's nice to know I am not the only one." - < MISS GODDESS >


I guess the prejudice is against chubby guys. Sigh! Alan Hale Jr. is out in the cold again. :-( And why is Barney Frank reminding me of Thurston Howell III???

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> I guess the prejudice is against chubby guys. Sigh! Alan Hale Jr. is out in the cold again. :-(



In my case, no! I fancy Edward Arnold, Orson Welles and Burl Ives as "Big Daddy". But the Skipper? No. Nice guy and probably would make a much nicer husband than the Professor who'd always be wrapped up in his test tubes, but no.

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Brilliant essays.... both Maven, and Bronxie!


Don't you UNDERSTAND? Only THAT kind of mid-century wood panelling could possibly survive an atomic explosion (it survived my childhood, and that's even worse)!


and count me in if we're starting a Professor fan club.

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More great writing. And thanks for the Crab review, CM. We had this showing for a recent party, and everyone who minorly paid attention enjoyed the far-out notion of the monster devouring and using the spirits of his morsels. Roger Corman hardly ever was THAT creative.


But I also love the photo of the Bathing Beauty and the Crab. I tell ya, CM, I hope you, April, Wendy, Kath, Bronx, etc, will spare mankind and Earth by being careful where you sashay about in your island-girl costumes. I'm not sure even the Republicans' constant No No No-ing is going to stop all of these monsters. (You'd think a few of these creatures would take some of them away, eh? I'm all for sacrificing politicians into some volcano, but those gods still seem to prefer virgins or goats or something else. Darn.)

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War of the Colossal Beast (1958)
Directed by Bert I. Gordon

Sequel to The Amazing Colossal Man has no members from the original cast. I can understand why they couldn't bring back the scientist who had the giant syringe stuck to him, but even the title character is played by a new actor. This time, it's Dean Parkin as the giant, replacing Glenn Langan. The only thing they have in common is that they are both bald. Half of Parkin?'s face is caved in, so apparently the filmmakers figured this would fool the audience - kind of like Ed Wood thought he would fool the audience when he replaced the dead Bela Lugosi with the live chiropractor in Plan 9 from Outer Space.

Parkin brings plenty of height (but no depth) to his role. He basically reprises his character from The Cyclops, including his trademark "bwaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh" sound (which now sounds like my lawnmower). Get this guy some Pepto Bismol. He has upgraded from Huggies to Depends, and apparently has done some ab work.

Meanwhile, Sally Fraser, as his sister, hears about trucks disappearing in Mexico and figures her oversized sibling has something to do with it. Odd, since in the first film, The Man had no relatives. He did have a fiancee (played by Cathy Downs), but she is nowhere to be found in this film, except in a few flashbacks - which only serve to remind us that Parkin does not look like Langan.

The Army manages to capture the giant after he is drugged with loaves of bread. They transport him to L.A. and tie him up in a hangar. Gee, what could go wrong here?

After performing a few mental experiments on him, the authorities are pretty much convinced he is beyond help. They decide they will transport him to a deserted island, but the Big Boy has other ideas, and breaks loose.

Now using the alias "The Notorious B.I.G," the giant heads for Griffith Park, where he picks up a busload of kids on a fieldtrip to the observatory. Wait until you see the expressions on the faces of James Dean, Sal Mineo, and Natalie Wood.

This film starts off promising, but falls apart. There is almost no action. The giant accidentally falls on one guy, and kills another guy off-screen. If you're going to make a film about a giant, then for Pete's sake, at least have him stomp on the populace.

"We need to take your temperature. Turn over."

I suppose when your brother is sixty feet tall, you need to take solace in something.

(Democratic response) "Yes, your 26-year-old son will be covered. No, this
will not add to the deficit. Yes, you will have a choice of insurers. No, there are
no 'death panels'."

(Republican response) "The deficit will skyrocket. The government is taking over
your life. Tell that lazy 26-year-old son of yours to get off his a** and get a job.
They are pulling the plug on Grandma tomorrow."

Every air traffic controller's worst nightmare.

How Dennis Hopper felt Rebel Without a Cause should have ended.

Big John Studd gets a charge out of a current event.

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