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20th Century Vole Presents

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 NARROW MARGARINE

 

Hard-boiled police detective Walter Brown figures he's had enough of cheap dames, crummy walk-ups, and most of all the tough dialogue he always has to speak in pursuit of the low-life crooks his job requires him to interact with.

He decides to get into an entirely new and different field of work. One day he wanders into an all-night diner and orders a grilled cheese. The short-order cook has just run out of butter, but he's just received 50 pounds of margarine, and slaps that on the bread. Detective Brown takes one bite of his margarine-slathered grilled cheese and becomes a complete convert. No more butter for him !  It's oleo all the way from now on.

 

Detective Sergeant Brown quits his job on the spot and throws himself into the newly burgeoning margarine industry. It's 1952, and there's plenty of moms out there who are happy to feed their kids peanut butter and margarine sandwiches.  Brown partners up with an old cop friend, Sarah Meggs  (aka Mrs. Frankie Neal, aka  Marie),and the two of them start up a brand new margarine company. 

 

They need an "angle", something that will set them apart from all the other margarine businesses out there.  Police Officer Meggs  (aka  Marie) points out that margarine is easier on the waistline than fat-filled butter*, and she proposes that they name their new product  "Narrow" Margarine, conjuring up images of slim Americans eagerly shovelling down slices of Wonder Bread generously covered in Narrow Margarine, all of them fit and narrow-waisted.

 

"It's a stretch, but I'll go for it", Sergeant Brown concedes, and the Narrow Margarine company is born.

 

McGraw_Narrow_Margin.jpg

 

"I've heard some cheap and cheesy ideas before,

but this has got to be the oiliest yet."

 

 

 

* (This is 1952, and it will be many decades before the dieticians of the Food and Drug Administration will realize that in fact, certain kinds of fat are actually good for people. But we won't go there...)

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Some Like It Haute

 

Two college track team buddies, Nate and Kyle,  on a lark, go to a rave in las Vegas where they unintentionally stumble into the wrong area and witness the slaying of Tupac.  Fearing for their lives, they run off with the killers in pursuit.  They quickly decide to disguise themselves in drag and to expedite their get-away manage to sneak onto a chartered flight of high fashion models booked to do a show for PRADA.

 

Complications arise when top model Marla, who's also lesbian, falls for Nate( now going by Natale)  and tries to initiate a romantic relationship, and Kyle( now Kimberly) catches the eye of one of the model's bodyguards, who pursues him aggressively, not knowing who/what "she" really is.  All made more difficult when it's found that the bodyguard is a tight "homie" with one of Tupac's killers.

 

 

Sepiatone

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Frankengroper

 

Bizarre schlock fest features Harvey Weinstein as a perverted scientist who creates a short, chubby, nerdy-looking creature which he names Al. Al roams the countryside, inappropriately touching people. Al is finally caught when his hands stick to Kim Kardashian’s posterior, at which time he screams “Help, I’ve felt and I can’t get off!” Al is dragged into court and appears before Judge Roy Moore. Donald Trump and Bill Clinton appear as character witnesses for Al. Trump says something weird about kittens, while Clinton spends his time cruising the jury for chicks. The case collapses when Judge Moore is called to attend a shotgun wedding (his own). Charlie Rose has a cameo as a streaker.

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You forgot about the other cameo performance in this flick, Rich.

Where they wheel in Bush Sr., and while testifying, he begins making vague references to magician David Copperfield.

(...after of course pulling two little steel balls from his pocket and begins juggling them around in his right hand)

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48 minutes ago, Dargo said:

You forgot about the other cameo performance in this flick, Rich.

Where they wheel in Bush Sr., and while testifying, he begins making vague references to magician David Copperfield.

(...after of course pulling two little steel balls from his pocket and begins juggling them around in his right hand)

I believe there is plenty of material left for sequels.

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7 hours ago, scsu1975 said:

I believe there is plenty of material left for sequels.

And growing daily, it seems.

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Brian’s Swan Song

Emotional, tearjerking, made-for-TV movie (ironically, shown on ABC) about a reporter for that network whose career is cut short when he is diagnosed with “reportitnowandcheckthefactslater”disease. With his integrity shot, Brian is benched in favor of Geraldo Rivera, who quickly scores two touchdowns despite having his nose broken by Nazis. Features cameos by Fernando Lamas as Tom Llamas (who inexplicably keeps saying “that’s right, David”) and Tor Johnson as Soldier Field.

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All The President’s Threads

Criswell, speaking from beyond the grave, opens the film with “Greetings, my friends. We are all interested in hell, for that is where you and I are going to spend the rest of our lives.” Then, Woodstein and Bernward, two forum moderators, enter the scene and investigate why there are so many threads on the President. In a scandal that rocks the forum to the very core, the President then appears in a new thread entitled “Best Male Physique in the Oval Office.” But the thread mysteriously disappears and the finger-pointing (mostly of the middle kind) begins. Tor Johnson has a cameo as an unknown poster named “Joe.”

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All Quiet on the TCM Front

A cable network inexplicably shows a silent version of a sound film, causing rioting in the streets, defenestration of Ben Mankiewicz, and irritable bowel syndrome. Some customers actually like the idea, but they are drowned out by the naysayers. In a shocking move, the network decides to add sound to their message boards, so that forum members can actually “hear” the posts of others. Sales of earplugs skyrocket. Tor Johnson has a cameo as a subwoofer.

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A Porn Star Is Born

After her career hits the skids, an “actress” decides to go on 60 Minutes (which, coincidentally, is the longest relationship she’s ever had) to claim that Ted Kennedy Bill Clinton Harvey Weinstein Anderson Cooper Pee Wee Herman Tor Johnson somebody had his way with her. Next, she starts a “Go F___ Me” Page on Facebook, which leads to a one-night stand with Mark Zuckerberg after he threatens to release all her personal information. In the stunning finale, she falls for Vladimir Putin’s pectoralis major and ends up directing movies for the Russian adult film industry. Donald Trump has a cameo as “John.”

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POTTY GIRL

Cyd Charisse and Robert Taylor star in this unusual crime drama. Cyd's character has tired of her nightclub dancer job, and seeks to begin a new career as a professional toilet-trainer. She and Bob figure all they need is to advertise to parents of toddler-age children that their potty-training woes are over, all they need is Vicki Gaye to instruct the kiddy on the advantages of potty use versus diapers.

Problem is, neither of them know any families or people with young children. So Cyd decides to go back to her showgirl job, but with a new dance routine that intergrates a potty into the act. 

Image result for cyd charisse party girl

"Tommy, I 'm wondering if we could throw a potty into the number right about here. Whad'dya think?"

As a back-up plan, Cyd and Bob figure they can always branch off into curbing gangsters given to potty-mouth language, starting with Lee J. Cobb.

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Well, I thought it was kind of funny...this thread used to get a lot more response than it apparently does now. Ah well, it's an old thread, actually left over from at least 2010, amazed it's carried on for as long as it has.  

(and yes, this comment was partly just to bump it back to page one, just in case...)

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image-w448.jpg?1492491964

Christ Betsy, couldn't you find a car with a steering wheel

smaller than a miniature merry go round?

 

The Man in the Grey Flannel Suite

Tom Rath works for the non-profit group Goody Two Shoes which supplies used

Thom McCan wingtips to third world children. Rath still feels guilty because he

threw a grenade that killed his BFF during World War Two. No one said Tom was

the sharpest tool in the shed. His wife Betsy, who was runner up in the Mrs.

Connecticut Nag of the Year contest, complains constantly that he doesn't make

enough money. She also yells about him wearing nothing else to work but grey

flannel suits. In a moment of anger Tom says that he would cover his walls with

grey flannel if he could. And before you know it, Tom runs an empire of grey

flannel suite home decorators with the trend becoming mega popular in the

suburban homes of the post-war world. Tom divorces Betsy and marries his

nineteen year old secretary. All is going well until something that happened during

his World War Two service comes back to haunt him. Tom skipped out on an

Italian pro without paying. He doesn't know that Italian pros have a memory

even longer than an elephant. Monica soon shows up in the good old U.S.A.

and presents him with a bill plus interest of 1,000,000 lire for what he owes her.

Fortunately due to the exchange rate, Tom easily covers the old bill from his

grey flannel business account, and lives happily ever after in Nugatoatuck,

Connecticut.

 

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13 hours ago, scsu1975 said:

The Spam Who Came To Dinner

No synopsis necessary.

Alas, the penguins request that they be written out before filming starts.

4059af5a1f9a1b8e149fe707ad9fe7aa--cheap-

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