Jump to content
Search In
  • More options...
Find results that contain...
Find results in...

Ecoli Virus Claims Famour Actor


Recommended Posts

Thanks for making me do a spit take with my morning tea, Mongo.


Stop the presses! This just in:






(AP) ****, U.S.A. (Nov. 25, 2006)-

While a large crowd of fans, co-workers and an occasional nemesis attended a memorial service for the late Popeye, doctors confirmed reports that his last words were "I can't stands no more", rather than "I yam what I yam, and that's all I yam", as previously rumored. Physicians first thought that his demise may have been accelerated by his addiction to the "extreme sport" of brawling or to smoking a corncob pipe. When those causes were ruled out, the focus of the cause of death shifted to the bizarre, apparently congenital deformity of his massive forearms. When doctors realized that the edema in his lower arms was aggravated by his consumption of vast quantities of canned spinach, they turned their attention to the viral content in iron-rich spinacia oleracea itself, thereby linking the deadly ecoli in the green, leafy vegetable to the sailor's passing. Earlier medicos treating Popeye for his forearm affliction had actually named a common syndrome characterized by a biceps bulge that was symptomatic of a tendon rupture as the "Popeye muscle", a misnomer referring to the problem of the upper arm, rather than the forearm.


The memorial service was held at the Max Fleischer Funeral Home and was attended by Ms. Olive Oyl, Mr. Popeye's longtime "fianc?", who was accompanied to the funeral by the deceased's arch-nemesis, Bluto (aka Brutus), and her "adopted" son with the late Mr. Popeye, Swee'Pea. Pall bearers included Ms. Oyl's seldom seen, less animated brother, Castor Oyl, her reclusive former boyfriend, Ham Gravy, one J. Wellington Wimpy, Eugene the Jeep, and the deceased's grief stricken father,Poopdeck Pappy.


In an emotional, rambling remembrance, Mr. Wimpy eulogized his friend and economic backer as an individual whose deceptively grouchy demeanor masked a generous soul who would "gladly buy you a hamburger today without actually expecting repayment by Tuesday." A notable incident during the service was the ejection of a Ms. Sea Hag and her associate, Alice the Goon. Ms. Hag told reporters that she simply wished to verify the reality of the demise of her rival for domination of the shipping industry, and bizarrely, Ms. Goon offered to babysit Swee'Pea, if needed.


Reporters in attendance were also distracted by the highly glamorous appearance of Miss Betty Boop at the service, who came on the arm of Koko the Clown. Ms. Oyl was heard to murmur some sartorial criticism about the inappropriate attire of Betty Boop, commenting on the brevity of Ms. Boop's skirt, as well as voicing her well-founded jealousy of the sex symbol's early collaboration with Popeye. As he left the church with Ms. Oyl, Bluto broke down in tears, exclaiming that his friend was, despite their decades long disagreements, the only one who understood him, especially since, even when they fought, "Popeye was the only one who understood my every mumble."


A grief-stricken Poopdeck Pappy, who had often denied knowing Popeye or being his sire, confirmed that, dna evidence aside, the squinty eye, constant mumbling to himself, and belligerent nature of the lad had convinced him of his son's "legitimate" claim to be his offspring, though Mr. Pappy refused to elaborate on the exact identity of Popeye's mother. Pappy was quoted as claiming that she was "a darned sight better looking than that lath-legged bean pole who had her hooks into him". The latter description refers to Ms. Oyl, whose strained relationship with Mr. Pappy is well known. Mr. Pappy expressed surprise that Ms. Oyl had respected her son's wishes by having John Phillip Sousa's "The Stars and Stripes Forever" played loudly as the crowd dispersed. The old sailor was heard to murmur that he almost expected his son to sit up and take a swing at him if only he could've heard the bombastic tune once again.

Link to comment
Share on other sites



Many thanks for your excellent & insightful reportage of the Popeye service.

My only regret is that BLUTO did not directly express his comments to me, as I have been his personal press agent since the early '90's, and typically he is the very epitome of surly reclusiveness, having remarked on several occasions that he considered JD Salinger a "fawning sell-out".

I can only surmise that his grief for his departed shipmate/rival/nemesis overcame his usual boiler-plate truculence.

I have chosen NOT to share Captain B's verbal reaction after reading that the personage of his idiot-cousin Brutus was mistaken (again) as an alias of his.

(Salt-water blue doesn't even come close!)

Methinks the snarling and fist-pumping at Chez Bluteau will be going on late into the night . . .

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now

© 2022 Turner Classic Movies Inc. All Rights Reserved Terms of Use | Privacy Policy | Cookie Settings
  • Create New...