Jump to content
Search In
  • More options...
Find results that contain...
Find results in...

drumpf's (aka trump's) ALL-TIME GREATEST HITS-- GRAB 'EM BY THE "***** " & MUCH MORE

Recommended Posts

6 hours ago, Bogie56 said:

And don't forget to wash your hands with antibacterial soap and hot water for 20 seconds.

Link to post
Share on other sites
7 hours ago, Bogie56 said:

Fauci Begs Pharma Companies to Speed Development of Anti-Narcissism Drug

April 9, 2020

Anthony Fauci looking at President Donald Trump Photograph by Chip Somodevilla / Getty


WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Stating that “time is of the essence,” Dr. Anthony Fauci is imploring the nation’s pharmaceutical companies to fast-track the development of a drug to treat narcissism.

Acknowledging that narcissistic-personality disorder has historically been resistant to medication, the esteemed virologist said that a breakthrough drug was “urgently needed.”

“I have seen the toll that narcissism takes, day in, day out,” Fauci said. “The human cost is incalculable.”

Without offering scientific evidence or data, Fauci argued, “Successfully treating one narcissist could substantially reduce the misery and suffering of millions.”

The epidemiologist said that, as soon as a promising anti-narcissism drug is developed, he would “personally mastermind” its clinical trials.

For the purpose of those trials, Fauci said, it would be optimal to manufacture the drug as a pill or anything else “that could be easily crushed and dissolved in a Diet Coke.”


Link to post
Share on other sites
13 hours ago, Bogie56 said:

Trump Launches “Celebrity Coronavirus Briefing” with Gary Busey and Dennis Rodman

April 2, 2020

President Donald Trump and Gary Busey Photograph from Shutterstock


WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Hoping to inject some ratings magic into an aging TV franchise, Donald J. Trump announced on Thursday that he would soon launch “Celebrity Coronavirus Briefing.”

Trump said that he was green-lighting the reboot because the current version of the show was “getting kind of old.”

“CNN and MSNBC started cutting away from the show, and that made me very unhappy,” he said. “I realized I had to jazz things up.”

The first episode of “Celebrity Coronavirus Briefing,” to air next Monday, will feature two Trump favorites, Gary Busey and Dennis Rodman.

“We’re going to be seeing a lot of Gary and Dennis and lot less of those boring charts,” he said. “Everybody I talk to hates the charts.”

Trump said that the addition of celebrities to the coronavirus briefings meant that some of the show’s current cast members would have to go.

“Does Mike Pence stay in the cast?” he said. “He’s not a lock. Tony and Deborah? Not sure. The only person who’s a definite at this point is the MyPillow guy. We’re going to be seeing a lot more of the MyPillow guy.”


Link to post
Share on other sites
1 hour ago, jakeem said:


A day after claiming “total” authority to lift state restrictions governors are actually in charge of, the president backtracks by declaring he is “authorizing” governors to decide when to lift the state restrictions they are actually in charge of:
11:52 PM · Apr 14, 2020·Twitter for iPhone

trump has quickly lost interest in the governors.

Now trump is authorizing:

1) The Earth to rotate around the sun

2) Niagara Falls to fall     &

3) Vice president Mike  Pence and South Carolina Senator Lindsey Graham to kiss his ***.

  • Haha 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
On 4/18/2020 at 2:38 PM, Bogie56 said:

Trump Named Person of the Year by Popular Sociopath Magazine

December 12, 2019

President Donald Trump Photograph by Brendan Smialowski / AFP / Getty


WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—For the third year in a row, Donald J. Trump has been named Person of the Year by the magazine Popular Sociopath, the publication announced on Thursday.

“Once a year, we at Popular Sociopath recognize the person who best epitomizes sociopathic-personality disorder, which manifests in antisocial behavior and a total absence of conscience and concern for others,” Harland Dorrinson, the magazine’s editor, said. “We are delighted to bestow this honor, once again, on Donald J. Trump.”

Dorrinson said that Trump bested a daunting roster of competitors for the title, including the Senate Majority Leader, Mitch McConnell; the Fox News host Tucker Carlson; and Trump’s own son Donald J. Trump, Jr.

“Honestly, though, it wasn’t close,” the editor said.

When asked if he had reached out to his son since surpassing him for the magazine’s honor, Trump told reporters, “Why would I do that? I don’t care what he thinks or feels. This is all about me. What a stupid question. You’re worthless.”

The Sociopath in the White House

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
18 hours ago, mr6666 said:
Dr. Rick Bright says he was removed from his position as director of a top government vaccine agency
after he pressed for a thorough vetting of a coronavirus treatment embraced by President Trump,
the drug hydroxychloroquine.

The narcissistic sociopath knows more than the Research Doctor.

Link to post
Share on other sites
On 4/19/2020 at 12:24 PM, Bogie56 said:

Unskilled Man Fears He Will Lose Job in Recession

August 20, 2019

President Donald Trump. Photograph by Chip Somodevilla / Getty


WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—A man with no identifiable skills is deeply worried that a recession could cause him to lose his job, people close to the man have confirmed.

The man, who has barely clung to his job for the past two and a half years, is justified in believing that an economic downturn would result in his unemployment, experts said.

“When the economy is good, it’s possible for someone like him to hold down a job for which he is woefully unqualified,” Harland Dorrinson, a human-resources specialist, said. “But when the economy goes south, look out.”

Dorrinson said that the unskilled man’s résumé, which lists six bankruptcies and multiple business failures, could come under scrutiny in the event of a recession.

“His employers might find themselves asking, ‘How did he get this job in the first place?’ ” Dorrinson said.

Additionally, the man’s near-total lack of education—evidenced by his inability to spell common one-syllable words or to identify the century in which the airplane was invented—could make him vulnerable to termination, the human-resources expert said.

“On the plus side, he enjoys watching television for eight hours a day,” Dorrinson said. “During a recession, he’ll be able to do even more of that.”


Link to post
Share on other sites


9 hours ago, Bogie56 said:

America’s Four-Year-Olds Warn Against Following Trump’s Medical Advice

April 24, 2020

Four year olds. Photograph from Stockbyte / Getty


WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In an unprecedented move, the nation’s four-year-olds have issued an official communiqué warning against following Donald J. Trump’s medical advice.

Asserting that their communiqué was “not about politics,” the four-year-olds said that they were issuing the statement out of concern for public health.

“By now, many of you have heard Donald Trump making medical recommendations from the White House,” the statement read. “It’s important for you to know that these recommendations have no basis in medical or scientific fact.”

“Right now, millions of you are stuck at home with nothing to do,” the statement continued. “Still, that’s no excuse to do anything that Donald Trump tells you to do.”

The four-year-olds’ communiqué ended with a general advisory for the future: “Whenever Donald Trump tells you to do something, ask yourself: If Donald Trump jumped off a bridge, would you jump off a bridge? Of course not.”


Link to post
Share on other sites
1 hour ago, Bogie56 said:

Experts Believe the Coronavirus Could Be Defeated with the Twenty-fifth Amendment

April 25, 2020

President Donald Trump and Vice President Mike Pence Photograph by Drew Angerer / Getty


WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In a possible breakthrough that Americans have been hoping for, experts believe that the coronavirus could be defeated by the Twenty-fifth Amendment to the United States Constitution.

The experts, from the fields of science, public health, government, and law, were uniformly enthusiastic in their conviction that the Twenty-fifth Amendment is the single most powerful weapon that the nation currently has to vanquish the coronavirus.

“Researchers are hard at work developing therapeutics and vaccines, but it will be some time before those solutions are viable,” Davis Logsdon, a doctor and professor at the University of Minnesota, said. “The Twenty-fifth Amendment is ready to go right now.”

Although much about the coronavirus remains unknown, Logsdon said, “We’re learned a lot about some of the conditions that enable it to thrive, like incompetence, laziness, and ignorance. The Twenty-fifth Amendment eradicates all three of those conditions. It’s like constitutional Lysol.”

Logsdon acknowledged that using the Twenty-fifth Amendment has raised some concerns, since it has never been used before on a human, but added, “I can think of no better human to use it on.”

The 23rd Amendment--

"It's like constitutional Lysol."

Link to post
Share on other sites
20 hours ago, Bogie56 said:

Trump Gives Wife Beater Praise He Usually Reserves for Child Molesters and Nazis

February 9, 2018
Image may contain Human Crowd Audience Person Tie Accessories Accessory Coat Suit Clothing Overcoat and Apparel Photograph by Joe Raedle / Getty

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In comments to reporters at the White House on Friday, Donald J. Trump stirred controversy by lavishing an alleged wife beater with praise that he historically has reserved for child molesters and Nazis.

Reporters who heard the President’s comments were taken aback since, in the past, the President had given no indication that he held wife beaters in the same high esteem in which he holds supporters of child abuse and white supremacy.

“We knew that President Trump considered child molesters and Nazis very fine people, but this was the first time he had put wife beaters up there, too,” Tracy Klugian, a member of the White House press corps, said. “We wanted clarification as to whether he considered wife beaters as fine as those other two groups, or finer.”

John Kelly, the White House chief of staff, accused reporters of attempting to drive a wedge between three of the President’s most cherished constituencies.

“Donald Trump has made it very clear that he can be the champion of wife beaters, child molesters, and Nazis at the same time,” Kelly said. “He doesn’t play favorites.”

Remember Charlottesville!

Link to post
Share on other sites
11 hours ago, Bogie56 said:

Millions of Americans Demand $130,000 for Not Having Sex with Trump

February 14, 2018

Image may contain Crowd Audience Human and Person Photograph by Mait Juriado / Getty


WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Millions of Americans on Wednesday demanded that Donald J. Trump’s personal lawyer, Michael D. Cohen, issue them checks in the amount of $130,000 for not having sex with Trump.

After Cohen revealed that he had issued such a check to Stormy Daniels, a porn star who he claims never had intimate relations with his client, there was widespread outrage among other Americans who had also not had sex with Trump but had not been paid for not doing so.

“Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy for Stormy Daniels,” Tracy Klugian, a florist in Santa Rosa, California, said. “I just want my check, too.”

Harland Dorrinson, a bank teller in Akron, Ohio, said that he had already e-mailed Cohen to demand payment. “I have never come close to having sex with Trump, and that should be worth something,” he said. “Specifically, $130,000.”

But, even as millions of Americans clamored to be compensated for abstaining from sex with Cohen’s client, others, like Carol Foyler, of Tallahassee, Florida, took a different view. “Never having sex with Donald Trump should be a reward in itself,” she said.


Link to post
Share on other sites
4 hours ago, Bogie56 said:

Trump Blames Plummeting Poll Numbers on People Paying Attention When He Talks

April 27, 2020

U.S. President Donald Trump talks to reporters. Photograph by Jonathan Ernst / Reuters


WASHINGTON, D.C. (The Borowitz Report)—Calling it a “disgraceful situation,” Donald J. Trump on Monday blamed his sinking poll numbers on people paying attention when he talks.

Noting that his approval rating has plummeted since he began holding coronavirus briefings, he said, “There are a lot of people out there who are listening to things I say and basing their opinions on them, and I think it’s very sad.”

In addition to people paying attention when he talks, Trump said that he was being “treated very unfairly by people who remember what I say.”

“People are listening to what I say one day and comparing it to something I said on a different day,” he said. “These are very sick and terrible people.”

Trump also lashed out at the pollsters themselves, who, he alleged, are “doing a hit job on me” by seeking the opinions of people who listened to things he said.

“The fact that they’re talking to people who have listened to me proves how crooked and rigged these polls are,” he said. “People who haven’t listened to me think I’m doing great.”

Trump said that, if people persist in listening to him, he may stop talking altogether. “I think that’s a really good plan,” Trump said. “Dr. Fauci suggested it to me.”


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 4/28/2020 at 6:41 AM, Bogie56 said:

Trump Fears Next Election Will Be Decided by Americans

January 19, 2018

This image may contain Tie Accessories Accessory Face Human Person Frown Donald Trump Suit Coat and Clothing Photograph by Nicholas Kamm / AFP / Getty


WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Donald J. Trump is “scared to death” that the 2020 Presidential election will be decided by Americans, an aide to Trump has confirmed.

The aide, who spoke on the condition of anonymity, said that Trump is panicking over a doomsday scenario in which Americans, sidelined during the 2016 election, play a dominant role in influencing the 2020 contest.

“It sounds paranoid, but, as we speak, representatives of the United States are already plotting to remove him from office in 2020,” the aide said. “They are determined to replace him with someone who takes a move favorable view toward their country.”

The aide said that the Americans, frustrated by Trump’s open hostility to the United States since taking office, will “stop at nothing” to achieve their ultimate goal: installing an agent of the U.S. in the Oval Office.

“It’s pretty clear what the Americans are up to,” the aide said. “They want a puppet who will do the bidding of the United States of America.”

While Trump has reportedly ordered his staff to do everything in its power to prevent Americans from meddling in the 2020 election, the prospect of U.S. nationals deciding the next Presidential race has clearly left the White House rattled.

“Americans are going to use voter registration, social media, and anything else at their disposal to hand the election to someone who will advance their interests,” he said. “That’s what keeps Trump up at night.”

This gives a whole new meaning to the phrase voter suppression.

Link to post
Share on other sites
9 hours ago, Bogie56 said:

New Claim That Enemies of U.S. Developed Trump in Lab

May 4, 2020

U.S. President Donald Trump speaks. Photograph by Oliver Contreras / Sipa / Bloomberg / Getty


WASHINGTON, D.C. (The Borowitz Report)—Enemies of the United States developed Donald J. Trump in a top-secret biotech lab with the goal of wreaking untold havoc on the nation, a leading conspiracy theorist claimed on Monday.

The theorist, Harland Dorrinson, said that he has “conclusive evidence” that Trump was created by enemy scientists as the “ultimate weapon” to bring the United States to its knees.

“Having combed through binders of secret documents, I can say with a hundred per cent confidence that the person we have been calling Donald Trump was grown in a recombinant-DNA lab,” Dorrinson said.

“It’s the only possible explanation,” he added.

While the organism known as Trump appeared to be little more than a curiosity for the first seven decades of his existence, “seemingly designed for our amusement,” in recent days he has become “fully weaponized,” the conspiracy theorist asserted.

“In the past two weeks, he has urged Americans to defy public-health orders, to insert ultraviolet light inside their bodies, and to ingest bleach,” he said. “In a secret lab somewhere, enemy scientists are popping champagne.”


Link to post
Share on other sites
6 hours ago, Bogie56 said:

Trump Says He Has Been Treated Very Unfairly by People Who Wrote Constitution

February 10, 2017



WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Hinting darkly that "there's something going on," Donald J. Trump complained on Friday that he has been treated "very unfairly" by the people who wrote the United States Constitution.

"If the Constitution prevented me from doing one or two things, I'd chalk that up to bad luck," he said. "But when literally everything I want to do is magically a violation of the Constitution, that's very unfair and bad treatment."

Lashing out at the document's authors, Trump said that "America is a great country, but we have maybe the worst constitution writers in the world."

"Russia has much better constitution writers than we do," he said. "I talked to Putin, and he said their constitution never gives him problems."

"The situation is very unfair!" he added.

In an ominous warning, Trump said that, as of Friday, he was putting the writers of the U.S. Constitution "on notice."

"I don't have their names yet, but that's something I'm looking into," he said. "These jokers are not going to get away with this."


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 5/5/2020 at 3:50 PM, Bogie56 said:

Murder Hornets Doubt They Can Do as Much Damage as Trump

May 5, 2020

In this April 23 2020 photo provided by the Washington State Department of Agriculture a researcher holds a dead Asian... Photograph by Karla Salp / Washington State Department of Agriculture / AP


WASHINGTON STATE (The Borowitz Report)—Calling it “a tall order, for sure,” a swarm of murder hornets are openly questioning whether they can do as much damage to the United States as Donald J. Trump has.

In an unusually candid interview, the deadly winged insects said that their initial plans to invade North America, spreading terror and carnage in their wake, have been largely upended by Trump’s performance this year.

“We had been talking about coming to America for, like, forever,” one hornet said. “It’s obviously a huge market, and we wanted to make a big splash over here. And now this.”

The hornet said that, when it became clear that Trump was causing headline-grabbing destruction, “a bunch of us were, like, ‘Should we postpone our whole deal? It seems like we’re not going to get the attention we’ve been shooting for.’ ”

Ultimately, the hornets decided to stick with their original launch date, but they are now confronting the unpalatable reality that “Trump has definitely left us in the dust, threat-wise.”

“Look, we’re murder hornets,” the hornet said. “We’re going to do what murder hornets do. We’re going to sting people. We’re going to terrify them. But are we really going to engulf the United States of America in terror and existential despair? Trump has set the bar very high.”

" Murder Hornets Doubt they can do as much Damage as trump "

Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
© 2020 Turner Classic Movies Inc. A Time Warner Company. All Rights Reserved Terms of Use | Privacy Policy | Cookie Settings
  • Create New...