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drumpf's (aka trump's) ALL-TIME GREATEST HITS-- GRAB 'EM BY THE "***** " & MUCH MORE

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13 hours ago, Bogie56 said:

Bill Barr Tests Negative for Integrity

May 8, 2020

Attorney General William Barr attends the daily coronavirus briefing. Photograph by Drew Angerer / Getty


WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In a test result that he called “a tremendous relief,” the Attorney General, Bill Barr, has tested negative for integrity, Barr confirmed on Friday.

Barr submitted to the test after learning that he had come into contact with career Justice Department prosecutors who were found to be integrity carriers.

“When I learned that there were still people at the Justice Department with integrity, I was understandably furious,” Barr told reporters. “I told them to go home at once.”

Barr said that he was putting into place new protocols that would require Justice Department employees to be tested for integrity before entering the building.

“I thought that anyone with integrity had already left the Justice Department, but apparently I was mistaken,” he said. “It’s better to be safe than sorry.”

Although he was elated to learn that he had tested negative for integrity, Barr said that he shuddered to think how close he came to contracting the dreaded virtue.

“Having integrity would have made it impossible for me to work for President Trump,” he said.

Having Integrity would have made it impossible for me to work for President trump.

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7 hours ago, Bogie56 said:

Rand Paul Says Secret to Social Distancing Is Making Everyone Despise You

May 13, 2020

Sen. Rand Paul RKy. arrives for the Senate Republicans lunch. Photograph by Bill Clark / CQ-Roll Call / Getty


WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Sharing helpful health tips with the American people, Senator Rand Paul said on Wednesday that the secret to social distancing is making everyone despise you.

“People get all worried about whether other people are staying six feet away from them,” Paul said. “The trick is, if you act like a total jerkwad, people will stay much farther away from you than that.”

Paul also questioned whether wearing a mask protects someone as well as saying incredibly asinine things does.

“Airborne droplets can spread by people talking to each other,” Paul said. “If no one ever wants to talk to you, problem solved.”

He urged places of business in his home state of Kentucky to reopen as soon as possible, a process that he volunteered to help safely facilitate. “If you reopen your restaurant and it gets too crowded, I will walk through the door and immediately clear it out,” he said.

Gosh, I wouldn't want to be his neighbor.

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42 minutes ago, Swithin said:

Trump Wishes He Could Replace Fauci with the Doctor Who Saved Him from Vietnam

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Donald Trump wishes he could replace Anthony Fauci with the podiatrist who helped him avoid serving in the Vietnam War, Trump said on Thursday.

Speaking to reporters, Trump disparaged Fauci by arguing that he is not “half the doctor” that his former podiatrist was.

“You tell Tony to do something, and he says he has to look at a bunch of numbers and charts first, and even then he maybe doesn’t do what you told him to,” Trump complained. “You asked my foot doctor in Queens to say I had bone spurs and, boom, ten minutes later you got the note.”

If his podiatrist were still alive, Trump said, “I would tell him that the country was at war with coronavirus, and he would get me out of it, no questions asked.”

He also questioned whether Fauci was as medically qualified as his former podiatrist. “An epidemiologist like Tony specializes in just one thing,” Trump said. “A podiatrist has to know about both feet. That’s twice as much knowledge, medically speaking.”

Trump grew emotional as he recalled the “unbelievable service” that his beloved podiatrist performed for him. “That doctor saved lives,” he said.



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6 hours ago, Bogie56 said:

Trump Orders Pence to Start Picking Up Pompeo’s Laundry

May 18, 2020

Pence holding briefcase outside Trump Tower. Photograph by John Taggart / Bloomberg / Getty


WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In an effort to dampen the controversy over Secretary of State Mike Pompeo’s alleged use of a State Department employee to run personal errands, Donald J. Trump has ordered Mike Pence to start picking up Pompeo’s laundry, effective immediately.

In addition to his new laundry duties, Pence will be solely responsible for walking Pompeo’s dog and for what the White House described as “light housework.”

Reportedly, Pence has already hit the ground running in his new role and is in talks with Pompeo about how he likes his shirts done.

Although assigning Pompeo’s errands to Pence appears to have solved one problem, it may have created a new one, because the Vice-President will no longer be available to perform the personal errands for Trump that have been his responsibility for the past three years, such as fetching cans of Diet Coke and replenishing the Oval Office’s supply of Sharpies.

According to a White House source, those tasks could ultimately fall to Trump’s son-in-law, Jared Kushner, should he prove capable of doing them “without messing up.”

While Pence’s appointment as Pompeo’s errand boy raised eyebrows in Washington, it drew the strong support of his fellow White House coronavirus-task-force member Dr. Anthony Fauci. “Anything that takes Mike Pence away from the coronavirus response is a great thing,” Fauci said.

I'd say anything that takes Pompeo away from Kansas is a great thing.LMREO

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3 hours ago, Bogie56 said:

Fauci Urges Trump to Remain on Golf Course Until Pandemic Is Over

May 24, 2020

President Donald Trump in a golf cart Photograph by Jim Lo Scalzo / EPA-EFE / Shutterstock


WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Sharply disagreeing with critics of Donald J. Trump’s weekend visit to the Trump National Golf Club, Dr. Anthony Fauci has urged Trump to remain on the golf course until the pandemic is over.

“The people who are giving you a hard time about your golf trip are just haters,” Fauci told Trump on Sunday. “It’s in the best interest of everyone in the country that you keep golfing, Mr. President.”

“Please,” he added.

Trump was reportedly surprised by the doctor’s words of encouragement, especially because the golf trip had limited the President’s ability to communicate with Fauci, the Centers for Disease Control, and other scientists involved in the coronavirus response.

“It’s been tough without you, but we are doing the best we can,” Fauci said. “After all the hard work you’ve done, you deserve months and months and months of golfing.”

Fauci also recommended that Trump throw away his phone, stop talking to the press, and not tell anyone about the great idea he had on the golf course about using lawn fertilizer to protect people from the coronavirus.


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5 hours ago, Bogie56 said:

Trump Demands That Republican Convention Move from North Carolina to Moscow

May 27, 2020

Fireworks explode next to St Basil's Cathedral in Red Square Photograph by Christopher Furlong / Getty


WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In an escalation of his spat with Roy Cooper, the Democratic governor of North Carolina, Donald Trump is demanding that the 2020 Republican National Convention relocate from Charlotte to Moscow.

“North Carolina has been difficult every step of the way, and meanwhile Moscow has always been very helpful to me,” Trump wrote, in one of a series of early-morning tweets.

Additionally, Trump argued, moving the R.N.C. to Moscow would save the Republicans millions in airfare. “The most important people working on our 2020 campaign will already be there,” he tweeted.

Finally, he claimed, Moscow boasts far better accommodations than “that sad city of losers, Charlotte.”

“I have fantastic memories of the Moscow Ritz,” Trump wrote.


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3 hours ago, jakeem said:



1 hour ago, Princess of Tap said:

Eastern European Amber Alert--

There are reports of a middle-aged Eastern European woman allegedly being held hostage in a residence near 16th and Pennsylvania Avenue in Washington DC.

She has made some statements on Twitter against her will,

 but we can't find her exact location.

The foreign woman was last seen with this old white man, who is smiling in the above photo.

Anyone knowing of her exact whereabouts should please contact the authorities.

If you see her with the old white man, please don't approach her.

It may be dangerous for you to approach her because he has bodyguards with tear gas and rubber bullets.

Authorities are trying to ascertain whether or not she's being held against her own will.


Does Melania have Stockholm Syndrome?

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3 hours ago, Bogie56 said:

Study: Many of Nation’s Problems Could Be Solved by Having a President

June 1, 2020

An empty presidential podium. Photograph by Brooks Kraft / Corbis / Getty


WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—A controversial new study suggests that the United States of America could benefit from having a President.

The study has raised eyebrows by claiming that a President could be helpful in unifying a country and, in a best-case scenario, providing moral leadership.

“At a time of crisis, a President could be a galvanizing figure who leads a country to a better future,” the study theorizes. “He or she could bring a nation together rather than tear it apart.”

In one of the study’s most radical proposals, it argues that a so-called Justice Department could include an Attorney General appointed by the President to uphold the rule of law.

“Additionally, a President, by scrupulously obeying the law himself, could set an example for the rest of the country,” the study claims. “As improbable as it might seem, citizens would look to the President as someone to admire and emulate in their daily lives.”

While many in the United States remain resistant to the concept of having a President, the study says that desperate times may lead them to consider such an unorthodox measure.

“We have ample evidence of what happens when a country does not have a President,” the study concludes. “It’s a **** show.”

And with the wrong president even a great country can become a s*******.

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4 hours ago, Bogie56 said:

Trump’s Bleach Moment Now Seeming Like Career High Point

June 4, 2020

President Donald Trump participates in the daily briefing of the coronavirus task force  on April 23. Photograph by Drew Angerer / Getty


WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Donald J. Trump’s widely ridiculed musing about the healing powers of household disinfectants now seems like a career high point, according to prominent historians.

While Trump’s suggestion that ingesting bleach could treat the coronavirusappeared, at the time, to be a catastrophic misstep, his actions in recent days have forced many historians to revise that assessment, Davis Logsdon, a Presidential historian, said.

“This week, we’ve seen Trump tear-gas peaceful protesters, offend religious leaders by using a Bible as a prop, and threaten to use the military against the American people,” Logsdon said. “In retrospect, suggesting that people ingest Clorox and put ultraviolet lights inside their bodies seems like the act of a responsible public servant.”

Logsdon added that, with unrest roiling the nation and unemployment soaring to levels not seen since the Great Depression, “Trump’s best bet may be to remind the American people, ‘I’m the man who told you to drink bleach.’ ”

“All things considered, that may be his finest hour,” the historian said.

The Clorox presidency

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2 hours ago, Princess of Tap said:

And they all look like David Duke. LMREO

Not to get too serious, but the only thing antifa would do with Duke is beat the **** out of him. :)

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2 hours ago, jakeem said:


Replying to
@IvankaTrump is this what you meant by “love?”
12:25 PM · Jun 6, 2020·Twitter for iPhone

Yes, he tear gassed, rubber bulleted peaceful protesters near the White House, not to mention having them ridden out on horseback and Stampeded out into chaos and into danger.

What trump did essentially was to deprive this group of Americans of their 1st Amendment Rights.


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8 hours ago, Bogie56 said:

Trump Claims That Wall Around White House Is to Prevent Staff from Quitting En Masse

June 5, 2020

A locked fence with the White House in the background Photograph by Alex Brandon / AP / Shutterstock

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Lashing out at critics who have charged him with building a wall around the White House to protect himself from peaceful protesters, Donald Trump claimed on Friday that the purpose of the wall is to prevent staffers from quitting en masse.

“The wall is not to keep people out. It’s to keep people in,” Trump angrily told reporters. “If anyone thinks he’s going to quit this White House, he’s going to have to climb over a ten-foot wall first.”

Trump added that he was considering invoking the Insurrection Act of 1807 to put down further rebellions by the Secretary of Defense, Mark Esper.

“Between the wall and the Insurrection Act, no one is getting out,” he said. “No one.”

Trump also dismissed reports that he had spent much of the week hiding under his desk.

“I have been inspecting the area under my desk,” he said. “There are no problems.”

The trump Administration has the highest turnover of personnel of any presidential Administration in modern history.

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16 hours ago, Princess of Tap said:

Yes, he tear gassed, rubber bulleted peaceful protesters near the White House, not to mention having them ridden out on horseback and Stampeded out into chaos and into danger.

What trump did essentially was to deprive this group of Americans of their 1st Amendment Rights.


they were a buncha leftist scalawags blocking a public thoroughfare.


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11 hours ago, Bogie56 said:

Furious Trump Declares Romney Not Welcome in Bunker

June 8, 2020

Mitt Romney. Photograph by Tom Williams / CQ Roll Call / Getty

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Furious at Mitt Romney for participating in a Black Lives Matter march, Donald J. Trump declared on Monday that the Utah senator is “not welcome in my bunker.”

“Mitt Romney thinks he’s cute, first voting to impeach me and now marching,” Trump told reporters. “Well, I’ve got news for Mitt: his invitation to my bunker is hereby revoked.”

Trump said that, because of his disloyalty, Romney “will never experience all that the best bunker in the world has to offer.”

“There are luxury recliners, televisions as far as the eye can see, and a bottomless pit of snacks,” Trump boasted. “If Mitt could see what he’s missing, I’ll bet he’d rethink some of the cute things he’s done.”

Trump said that he was reviewing the behavior of other officials, such as Defense Secretary Mark Esper, to determine whether they will retain their bunker privileges.

“I’m not sure Esper is bunker material,” he mused.

Concluding his remarks, Trump said that there will be a photo of Romney at the entrance to the bunker in order to enable the Secret Service to bar the Utah senator, should he try to gain admission.

“Sorry, Mitt,” Trump sneered. “People like you don’t belong in a bunker. I do.”

Bunker Boy Chapter 2

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2 hours ago, noah80 said:


what trump got for his birthday

Happy birthday mr. president!

With his new three-wheel power scooter, trump does not need the National Guard or the Secret Service--

Because he can now clear Lafayette Square all by himself--

No more messy tear gas canisters or bulky rubber bullets for this Savvy Senior.

trump and his new 3-wheel power scooter can clear any peaceful democratic protest group faster than you can say First Amendment Rights.

Batteries Not Included.

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3 hours ago, Bogie56 said:

Trump Orders Bill Barr to Investigate Nation’s Ramps

June 15, 2020

US President Donald Trump arrives at West Point. Photograph by Nicholas Kamm / AFP / Getty


WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Arguing that “there’s something going on” with the nation’s sloping surfaces, Donald J. Trump has ordered Attorney General Bill Barr to launch a Department of Justice investigation into the United States’s vast collection of ramps.

“It’s something we’re looking into quite strongly,” Trump told reporters on the South Lawn of the White House. “Ramps have treated me very unfairly.”

The decision to probe the nation’s ramps came after a night of Trump feverishly retweeting anti-ramp conspiracy theories, including one claiming that George Soros had plotted to make American ramps steeper and slipperier than they were during Barack Obama’s Presidency.

Trump told reporters that he was also considering signing an executive order requiring all ramps to have an incline of zero degrees, rendering them completely flat.

“Those would be perfect ramps,” he said.

Responding to this proposal, CNN’s Jim Acosta asked if, by making ramps flat, Trump would in effect be making the nation’s ramps no longer ramps at all.

“You’re a terrible person,” Trump replied.

trump ramps-up the ramps.

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