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PASSING NORMAL

 

What a sad state of affairs. Alan, once a bright and shining example of American Youth, now a dissolute and amoral wraith. He had a momentary glimpse into his future and he loathed what he saw. Immediately, he decided he would become a priest. As soonn as it was possible, he would...

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*Return to the Blue Lagoon*

 

He decided he needed time alone more than anything?and the last time he?d been there, The Blue Lagoon had been an idyllic island paradise. When Allan finally managed to make his way there a few weeks later he was shocked to see that several destination resorts had gone up and the beaches were packed with?

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THE MAGNIFICENT AMBERSONS

 

Yes, they were all there, once again making a mess of a once peaceful and pristine area. Everywhere one looked there was evidence of them. Here is an Amberson Hotel, there is an Amberson Lounge; and over there is an Amberson Suites. It was pretty much ruined, and Alan was down to his last buck. What to do,he thought, when he came to the obvious conclusion, he would...

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*Sail a Crooked Ship*

 

With that Allan set off, Heyerdahl style, to sea. A few days later he realized he hadn?t provisioned himself for a long, grueling voyage and reconsidered this latest impulsive move. As the wind picked up and the sea began to toss his skiff around Allan belatedly decided he would?

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CALL OUT THE MARINES

 

He found his cell phone and dialed 911. He explained his predicament and asked the operator to connect him to the Marines. "sure thing", she said as she amusedly hung up. There he was...all at sea, again when a strange bird began to circle his raft. Was it an Albatross or the blue bird of happiness? He'd have to wait and....

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*Don?t Drink the Water*

 

Soon Allan was hallucinating. It started when he imagined a fish had landed in his lap and he cooked it for lunch. Then he imagined Pied d' Puerque, Salad d' Octopus avec Mayonaise, Blow Fish scampi, assorted deep-fried insects?whipped cream and truffles?and he remembered that maddening woman, Judy, who once again was at the bottom of his latest nightmare. Allan imagined Judy was in the boat with him. He crawled toward her with only one thought in mind ? he was going to?

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KEEP SMILING

 

...as he eviscerated her. He'd laugh out loud seeing her voluptuous body being rended to shreds. Into the drink, she would hereafter be known as bait...only he wasn';t fishing, he was ridding himself once and for all of this ungodly harpie. As the sun drenched his pathetic little raft, he came to, with only...

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A Perfect Murder

 

...to think about the accomplishment of which mercifully prevented him from feeling totally depressed. And it was so damn hot. Yes, Judy was out of the way but it seems like one problem gone only opened the door to a myriad ot others. For instance, what was he to do about...

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SUNBURN

 

He was wearing the wrong outfit for a good tan line, and he was out of lotion, zinc oxide and Sun-in for his hair. What a bummer. But being the ever-resourceful one, he cane up with a brilliant idea that would solve that particular problem. He would...

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GO WEST

 

There nobody cared what you hair looked liked. But how to get there? A passing vessel would no doubt pick him up and soon he would be having chicken fajitas tocos at some dump in Los Angeles but it would taste delicious. Who knows, they might even have zinc oxide there. He fell into reverie and his mind was full of...

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THE PLANTER'S WIFE

 

Years ago, when he was a boy, he yearned after the wife of his father's gardner. She would accompany him on occasion, and flirt with him. He never forget, and now years later, floating on an endless sea, his mind was full of thoughts of her. Possibly when he returned to dry land he would seek her out. Possibly he would get to dry land...possibly he would...

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FIGHT FOR YOUR LADY

 

...as the expression goes. She's probably divorced by now and thinking of me right this minute, he thought. And here I am stuck out here in the middle of nowhere. Maybe I'm dreaming, if only I'm dreaming, then I could wake up and be...

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MUSTANG COUNTRY

 

Martha was never what you would describe as delicate. She was always dressed in jeans and always smelled slightly of horses. What could he possibly be thinking, asker her out for coffee? She accepted his offer and the two of them were off to the nearest Spot Coffee. As they entered, Alan thought he saw....

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BLACK BEAUTY

 

and after doing a double take and rubbing eyes he was relieved to see that he had in fact seen correctly. There was a picture of this famous horse right there on the wall. A sigh of relief. Being with Martha had it's disadvantages at times. He ordered his usual macchiato and when Martha ordered he only heard her neigh nervously. OMG, he thought, ...

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SHE COULDN'T SAY NO

 

He should have guessed...she'd been around horses so long, she essentially became one, herself, and anyone knows that horses do not like coffee. Why did he take her there? How embarassed he was at his major faux pas. Martha, at the same time was feeling a bit sheepish, herself. She wanted nothing more than to be back at....

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A LIFE OF HER OWN

 

where she could do what she wants and not be forced to accept invitations from non-equine types and be forced to be polite even when this coffee shop didn't even serve oatmeal, for heaven's sake. But Alan wasn't a bad sort, so she thought to make the best of it. She would resolve to be polite anyway. But then...

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JOSEPHINE AND MEN

 

came in and everythingstarted going wrong. Martha loathed Josephine and those silly men that escorted her around, while she got drunk. What, she thought, were they doing in a place that served nothing but coffee? She soon got her answer, for before anyone could say Jack Robinson, there was...

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A MERRY WAR

 

suddenly underway. The men were plying poor Josephine with coffee to sober her up and she wanted no part of it. How disgusting, thought Martha, I may be of the equine persuasion but at least I am capable of conducting myself like a mare, er, like a lady. While Alan and Martha were taking in this spectacle, Alan suddenly leaned towards Martha and said...

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LET 'EM HAVE IT

 

He's just noticed that Martha was carrying, so he cajolled her into blowing them all away. In a scene that was second only to the St. Valentine's Day massacre, She was totally out of control. When the police finally arrived, they carried her away, leaving poor Alan to fend for himself, again. As he wandered out into the glare of day, he began to...

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FLY AWAY HOME

 

He decided to have a flying daydream and return from whence he came. But, to his consternation, he had no idea where home was. Who was he anyway? He had no past. Whenever he felt like this, he reached in his pocket for his favorite book, a book about...

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THE DRIVER

 

That was it!...He'd get a chauffer's license and get himself into some rich digs, and romance anyone he had to to get ahead. Suddenly he was in southern Germany, and reading the want ads for work. He worked his way down the page and stopped at...

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A LOVE IN GERMANY

 

which seemed a weird ad but it turned out be from a Frau who needed someone to drive her to a local Kapellmeister who was giving music lessons and with whom she was in love and to whom she wanted to sing ?Dein ist Mein Ganzes Herz," but couldn?t for being unable to sing which made her sad because she loved him so much?the only thing, she said to Allen, must be a perfect chauffeur and not be...

 

 

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