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POSSESSED

 

Alan's mental deterioration was hanging out on all sides. Why she took the chance with him is anyone's guess, but she hired him on the spot, and in short order he was driving her around town in her Isotta Fraschini. Only at times did he vere into his manic mood, but she chose to dismiss it as a momentary lapse. He enjoyed his new position, as subordinate for a while, but when the novelty wore off, he...

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A FREE SOUL

 

decided to become. He kindly said goodbye to the Frau mentioning to her that her singing was improving (it wasn?t) and that he would miss her car (which he originally thought was an Italian entr?e) but that his fate cried out and a new horizon surely awaited him in the bosom of?

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MADEMOISELLE FIFI

 

He'd heard about her for years and was ready,he thought, to meet and woo her. Little did Alan know that Mademoiselle Fifi was in fact a German nazi officer...one I might add who would not take kindly someone looking to find his bosom. Unfazed, Alan travelled north until he located the town where the mademoiselle lived. A little investigation provided him with an address, and delusions of lust. As he rang the bell, he got a strange twitch in the back of his neck...his usual warning sign, but instead of heeding it he....

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CARRIED AWAY

 

by his own impetuosity precipitously forged ahead. There was a loud commotion inside, a grand party it seems, boy, thought Alan, this Mademoiselle Fifi sure knows how to live it up. He was given a choice of German beer or French wine but his only concern was the whereabouts of Mademoiselle Fifi. Pandemonium ensued (as well as a bit of hilarity) and Alan came away thinking mademoiselles are not what they used to be (although he kind of liked Rachel). Disillusioned, he vowed?

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GREAT EXPECTATIONS

 

weren't all they were cracked up to be. From then on he would deal with the real world...what he could see and feel...not what he conjured up in his mixed-up mind. While in Germany, he thought,"why not to go to Berlin?...the center of it all". Soon he was strolling the Kurfurstendam. in search of some excitement. He went into a bar and sampled Berlinerveis. He liked it, so he had another, and then another, and as was Alan's wont, he wound up tight and in the local lock-up. While there he encountered a strange little man busilly writing what he referred to as his manifesto. Alan took a quick look, and realized that he was...

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SWEPT AWAY

 

with all kinds of grandiose ideas and on occasion would stomp around the cell and declaim all kinds of utter nonsense. Alan?s hangover was excruciating, no more Berlinerveis for him, or anything else that he had never heard of. In fact, he wanted out of Germany altogether, a place with bizarre mademoiselles and pretentiously extravagant and xenophobic ideologues who would no doubt eventually succumb unnoticed to the world into the deep cauldron of the forgotten departed. He now fancied himself the hero of the picaresque novel and what and where would be his next adventure? He soon found out when...

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A WOMAN UNDER THE INFLUENCE

 

crossed his path. What she was suffering from wasn't immediately known, but soon he came to know it well. She was a kleptomaniac. She couldn't help herself...wherever she found herself, she would take anything that wasn't nailed down. He became fascinated with her, and before too long, they were making plans to leave Germany and try their luck in Monaco. Lots of things there,to steal, and Alan once again walked into it full force. There they were at a ball in Princess Grace's mansion, jewels in abundance...and money. Where to start they wondered, when suddenly the answer came in the form of....

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PRINCESS O' ROURKE

 

...who was not as rich as the Princess of Monaco but who was lavishly adorned nonetheless with glistening marvels. The pickings were easy as no one in this high society apparently knew how to catch a thief and that made it simple for rear window types like our two anti-heroes, psychotic though they may be, to plunder like pirates the opulent blind. But what disillusionment for Alan when he discovered his watch missing, a K-Mart specialty for which he paid $10 and was now gone forever. His accomplice therefore he vowed to henceforth forgo and anon found himself in the company of another wacko who?

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*Can?t Stop the Music*

 

What music? Why the music of the Jabberwocky?'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves?? ? etc. ? glorious nonsense, it?s been called?and nonsense is what not only the wacko but everyone in the tale practiced daily, battling mightily against the boredom of their daily lives?and yet?no one could help but notice?

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MUSIC FROM ANOTHER ROOM

 

...on a higher plane, perhaps, if it even matters. Nonsense reigns, vive le jabberwocky, in the life and the dreariness of Alan?s existence (and of us all perhaps) whatever the tune and Alan's seeming high adventures are likely only the fancy within the mind of an afflicted soul, or worse perhaps, all too real. But oh, not these tones, so goes the ode, nonsense or no life goes on and Alan, with still another resolution, vowed to learn to play the kazoo, a most noble calling for anyone seeking?

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THE IMMORTAL STORY

 

...of those who are perforce ne?er forgotten. Allen wanted to become the first kazoo virtuoso in history and by such distinction achieve greatness in a heretofore non-existent discipline but could not find a composer who would undertake a kazoo concerto. Profoundly depressed, he became the?

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PRELUDE TO FAME

 

That dubious time before discovery and notoriety and riches and women and sin and debauchery and dissolution and infamy...Alan was lost before he started. Depressed beyond all reason, he found his way to the edge of the cliff and wheeled himself into the rocks and crashing sea below.

Fate, however was kind, at last, and he managed to...

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LAUGH AND GET RICH

 

,,,in a way wholly spiritual that became a foundation for rebirth. A wave of creativity engulfed him and he took his kazoo and began a composition. Since the kazoo has only one note the melody was a little impoverished but it was the will to keep going that was the essential. At that moment and on that precipice Alan became new. Then, suddenly, to his ears a voice came, and he heard the words...

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THE RUSSIANS ARE COMING, THE RUSSIANS ARE COMING

 

The repetition of the words opened a whole new world for Alan. He saw himself as an important member of an orchestra used for film scores. He contacted Bernard Hermann and in no time they were lunching at Chasin's. His bland staccato was just what some scores needed, agreed Bernard. Just as Alan began to sign on the dotted line...

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HIGH ANXIETY

 

?almost engulfed him as he realized the enormous responsibility of working with a world-class movie composer and it didn?t help when Bernard leaned over and whispered to him, ?Just one thing, lose the kazoo. We like the bland staccato though, keep that.? Anxious to please, he began to hum what he considered a theme for a great movie. It sounded like?

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a ZEBRA IN THE KITCHEN

 

Totally devoid of Kazoo, it was raucous, loud, imbued with an infectious cacophany...just right, he thought for the maestro's new Hitchcock effort, THE SPELLBOUND SABOTEUR WHO KNEW FRENZY. He presented it to Hermann at Ciro's, over cocktails and dinner, and the big man liked it. Alan knew self satisfaction for the first time. As his confidence grew, his eye began to wander to the other tables. He paused at one. It was decorated with...

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IMMORAL WOMEN

 

?which he thought was a rather novel thematic design. Or was his pattern of thought on the decline again! Was all this burgeoning creativity on the wane and giving way to salacious thoughts and a descent into the depths of degradation? He closed his eyes to clear his head but when he opened them again his gaze rested on the most beautiful woman he had ever seen, the leading lady of Spellbound etc (a blonde, of course). As she approached the table, he thought, uh oh?

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THE BEAUTIFUL BLONDE FROM BASHFUL BEND

 

He'd heard of her...Hitch's newest find. This time Alan was prepared for a new fancy...this time he would be the alpha male. She began small talk and Alan just glowered at her. He replied in monosybalic grunts. He figured she would be turned off and leave, but instead, she sat down next ro him. What to do now? he thought...can't change horses mid-stream. He continued his act and in no time....

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BREAKING AWAY

 

?from her, he realized, was not going to happen. She breathed a warm zephyr in his ear and cooed ?I love a man with a kazoo.? He grimaced with a half-apologetic smile and sheepishly informed her that he was more of a zither man these days. His alpha male facade was failing. He therefore opted for a demeanor of the abstracted artistic genius. He would be distant and mysterious. She, however, ?

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LET FREEDOM RING

 

She became the wanton to his mysterious guy facade. Everything he tried, it seemed, backfired. As the evening wore on, he became despondent. She didn't notice his change of demeanor. She was going to land him at any cost. He was lost, again, he thought...until a thought came to him. What if I.....

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SHOOT THE PIANO PLAYER

 

Great idea from our hero except for one thing. There is no piano player at Chasin?s. Exasperated, he recalled his Dostoyevsky period when all issues were resolved by seeking the answer to the same question, namely, what would Raskolnikov do? He slowly and ominously assumed the shape of his brooding Russian hero as he eyed bashful blonde scorned across the table, whispering daggers, no doubt, against his person to Mr Hermann, his ticket to the golden times. Time to act, so Rasky, er Alan, planned?

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ROLLERBALL

 

That would fix everything, he thought. They would all go to the latest game in town. Nothing like a change in locale to change emotions. They entered the arena and found that their entrance was well timed...they were chosen to participate in the games. Little did they know what they were getting into. As the announcer broke in, Alan began to understand how the game worked, and it wasn't "fun". Just as they positioned themselves...

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THE DEATH KISS

 

was surely in the offing and he worried that it might be his own. He realized with horror that he had no idea how Rollerball worked after all. He must have misunderstood the memo. Shudders of fear engulfed him cap-a-pe and he waited for the ax to fall, or was it for the ball to roll. Not knowing what to do he decided to pray but before he could even begin this act of humility?

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HE WALKED BY NIGHT

 

He found a side entrance, gave it a try and found it was open. Soon he was out and running as fast as his feet would take him. He hailed a cab and decided to put Hollywood scorring out of the picture. He got off at Union Station and asked William Holden, who happened to be there, where the ticket windows were. Once there,he bought a ticket to the farthest locale he could find. That locale was...

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