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Movies are the answer


Kid Dabb
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A CHRISTMAS STORY,

 

?ostensibly anyway, was nothing more than a mess as Paolo used non-professional actors and included a **** sequence involving ole St Nick that was reminiscent of an earlier movie and that was plainly over the top, in fact, downright disgusting, proving that the movie had a scent after all. The director and the wannabe left the theater just as they were preparing the lobotomy for ole Nick, having had enough and wanting to?

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CHRISTMAS MORNING

 

BBQ the reindeer and send Santa, the Mrs. and the elves into exile. Where to send them? Antarctica was decided on and the plans were made with the full cooperation of the CIA! The Homeland Security Department had found that Santa and his legends were detrimental to the safety of the citizens of the USA and other friendly countries. Once the reindeer had been disposed of, persons in black camouflage, loaded Santa, his wife, their enormous amount of baggage and staff on the Sleath, so no one could monitor their departure. Once the plane was in the air, the pilot radioed that........

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ALIENS

 

?were in hot pursuit nonetheless (Pilot note to self: so much for black camouflage), aliens, figuratively speaking that is, representing perhaps that faction that still believed that Christmas was as American as apple pie and children should have stockings to fill up on that Sacred Morn?. Aboard the craft, Santa, the missus, and the elves were heard singing carols in solidarity. Immediate efforts to identify intruders were made and to the chagrin of the pilot and other crew member it was...

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*ALL THE PRESIDENT'S MEN*

 

Too little, too late...again! What were they doing on board such a mission? The crew decided to dispatch them as well as the Santa entourage. As soon as they'd gained enough altitude, they'd open the bomb bay doors, and goodbye to all and to all a good night. Always a fly in the ointment, Rudolph came down with nasal problems, and his whining caused the pilot to vere off course for just enough time to send them into a wild nose dive...right into,,,

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A CHRISTMAS CAROL

 

?where Scrooge was already beside himself traipsing around and yelling ?Humbug? This was a highly unpleasant thing for Santa and the missus to have to listen to, not to mention the elves who?ve been working their butts off year after year. But the gang accepted it because they knew the story and therefore knew that Scrooge would come around in the end and besides this was better than getting thrown out the plane, for heaven?s sake. But then suddenly a whirlwind force swept them out this story and placed them slap dab right in the middle of another, a story about?

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*A MIDSUMMER NIGHT'S DREAM*

 

What a pleasant change of pace (and season). The cold was getting to be a pain...especially for all thos buttless dwarves. The summer was balmy and there were funny creatures gambolling about...is that?...yes, it's Woody Allen,adding some of his slant to the story. And over there is a lovely creature and two underage boys acting up in 1942. Wow! what a whirlwind...they were all caught up in the moment, when the pilot remembered his mission...to dump Santa and the G-Men. He was in a quandry as to his next move when....

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THE THING FROM ANOTHER WORLD

 

?was suddenly a factor in our story. The pilot having fallen asleep after having mistakenly ingested a downer instead of an upper was suddenly awakened by a hellacious entity heretofore unknown to man. He soon realized that they had somehow reached Antarctica which was now under the control of alien beings that had been discovered in a spaceship under the ice. Afraid of losing his job for not having jettisoned his human cargo, the pilot found another job with a being with sixteen legs who needed someone to shine his shoes. Meanwhile Santa and the elves were acclimating to their new home by making friends with the "natives" who were cumbersome creatures who found it difficult to walk for having so many legs. This made the elves laugh but who stopped laughing when one of them...

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*THE BAREFOOT EXECUTIVE*

 

demanded Santa get new shoes for the entire group. Santa got out his pocket calculator and added up the feet times the shoes, and realized that all the cobblers in Italy couldn't make that many shoes before the next fashion season. In another quandry, he sat down and mulled over what to do next. And then it came to him...such a revellation! why hadn't he thought of it before? They would all go over to the Nordstrom Rack and get all the shoes they needed, and for half price! Off the rode to happiness via warm feet, when from out of the night came an horrendous...

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ATTACK

 

?from another group of entities that appeared to be menacing but came only to inform the shopping party that the Nordstrom Rack was closed on Tuesdays. One of the entities had a radio and over the news came word that Homeland Security had determined that Santa Claus and his legends were okay after all and they could go back to the North Pole but that they would have to wait till after Christmas. This whole story was actually a movie and a patron watching in a theater in Duluth got up to get some popcorn but stepped on somebody?s toe who yelled?

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*Where?s Poppa?*

 

?and all the menacing entities and Nordstrom Rack shoppers not to mention Santa Claus and his elves and the movie theater patrons, everyone of them and every human around the globe simultaneously woke up from this shared hallucination, this surreal nightmare?etc., etc?.yes they all stood up together at once and began to hum?

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HAIL THE CONQUORING HERO

 

?and then turned to behold this personage and observed a ruggedly handsome man with a faint smile, mouth half open, glint in his eye who everyone perceived at once to be Ted Hickman, legendary for traversing the world once a year, like Santa, to prick the bubble of ineffectual pipe dream allowing all, entities included, to meet their miserable fates with equanimity and despair. All were agape and wondering in the first moments but soon felt antsy and were desirous again of their pipe dreams, for which, Mr Hickman was alas no help for having been apprehended for alleged crimes. The entities promised deliverance as everyone boarded a sleek spacecraft and were soon on the planet X-2qw, a magical, new world of?

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*PLANET NINE FROM OUTER SPACE*

 

As they got off the spaceship, at Planet Nine, they wondered how they made it alive. The ship was so flimsy and cheap...all cardboard, glitter and mylar. But Planet nine was something else.

It was beautiful, and full of shoe stores and movie houses. What frabjous joy! They all ran to the place that promissed the biggest payoff. As a group of ladies all decided on the same pair of Manolos, all hell broke loose. There were no police on Nine, so they....

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THE MAN WITH THE GOLDEN ARM

 

?kindly desist from his poker-dealing status so that they might break the bonds of being dealt a bad hand of fantasy and hallucination and finding themselves on strange planets with shoes up the nose and be returned instead to cold reality. Back on Earth they rejoiced but were stunned to perceive a marked change on their Beloved Erda, a change that consisted of?

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*GREAT EXPECTATIONS*

 

but little, if any results. Same old, same old...but they were still releived to be back to the drudgery of relatively normal lives in terra firma. They all went about their business, as they had before, but the strange happenings of the past few weeks left an empty feeling. They decided to form a club, and meet every other Wednesday, to review what had happened in their ordinary lives. The first meeting was telling, to say the least, for everyone agreed that...

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ALL THIS AND HEAVEN TOO

 

?was one and the same and living in a world of cold hard reality was not so bad so long as you can watch American Idol and not miss it because the president was going to have a press conference---but just then an individual of obviously high standing rose to address the crowd and all eyes became fixed upon him and soon a heightened expectation became almost unbearable as this person, I say, reached into his pocket and pulled out a device the purpose of which was to make everyone look wonderingly at each other before finally realizing that, oh no?

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*THE BOMB*

 

was resting casually in his hand. They all shreeked at once and the enormous sound caused the gentleman to drop the bomb. Waiting for it to send them all to smithereens, they astonishedly looked at each other when nothing happened. The speaker went on with his speech, reminding them that reacting in haste was not such a good idea. He insisted they a;ll take an oath of purity regarding jumping to conclusions. They all did,and as if on cue, the bomb....

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IN A LONELY PLACE

 

?as having been moved to a corner to afford it the space it needed when it suddenly it opened and a frog jumped out and performed stirringly ?I am wild about Harry,? just like in the cartoon only this time everyone was there to witness this extraordinary event and amazed to see it. They learned never to jump to the conclusion that a jumping singing frog was impossible for nothing is impossible in this cold but wonderful world of reality, nothing impossible until suddenly they saw the seeming impossible, the frog began...

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*EATING RAOUL*

 

and the Eunice, then Joe, then Abner...you get the idea...soon the frog was the size of a third world country and the auditorium was empty. Well...so much for the lovliness of good old terra firma. As the frog tried to no avail, to extricate himself from the building, he grew a tad dispeptic. Suddenly he...

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DOWN TO THE SEA IN SHIPS

 

...went after going to the United Nations and being denied membership in this useless group being told that they had no use for a frog who had hiccups for having eaten all those people and they heartily laughed in his face. So to sea this frog went in the hope of becoming an island instead of a third-world country because he liked beaches and because there was a revolution going on in his belly and he didn't have any aspirin. Just then a squall commenced and made him feel...

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*THE LONG, THE SHORT AND THE TALL*

 

were preparing for a final attempt to vacate the frog's belly. In an amazing instant, out flew the entire cast, none the worse for wear. As they collected themselves, and watched the frog's return to normal size, they realized that they were all at sea, with no paddle. What to do? They realized that they would all surely drown if something wasn't done...and soon. Let's blow up the frog, and we can all sail into the sunset on top of him. As they began the arduous task of blowing up a frog, they began to drift high into the atmosphere. They were heading for New York, and soon they were part of Macy's parade. The crowd roared with delight. They cried "no! we're not a float...we need help!", but the crowd just cheered, and turned their attention to the next amusement. When someone noticed that they were indeed, in need of help....

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IN GAY MADRID

 

...as well as the Big Apple as many of these would-be frog blower uppers were dispersed in other places as well such as Casablanca and Mobile, Alabama. The sensation of floating o'er the continents and the sea was downright gosh darn exhilarating and they liked this so much they prayed to the Almighty that they were not dreaming and if they were not to wake up so much fun was this until that is the bubble got burst when God looked down and saw that this was all a violation of nature and that maybe he was losing his influence on the orb called Earth so he asserted his authority and showing whose boss by...

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*NOTHING SACRED*

 

Just more of the same ol' baloney about being good and getting a free pass to heaven. They were growing more and more agitated at the meaningless pap being foisted on the world by fundamentalists. We need to come up with a better way to live, they agreed, and living in the modern age, they all decided that the internet would be the answer. Soon, they were gathering a following of fellow dissatisfieds. All looked good when as usual, someone....

 

Edited by: visualfeast on Nov 15, 2009 1:09 PM

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CAST A DARK SHADOW

 

...on the whole proceeding by hacking all the computers in the world which stranded some people on websites and others on servers and even one on an Ipod that was syncing just as the hacker was doing the dastardly deed and was now on someone's ITunes which was embarrassing since he couldn't even sing a song much less play a musical instrument and besides that it was damn cramped in that Ipod because it was only an 8GB nano. But a worse plight was that of a person who found himself...

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*FLYING DOWN TO RIO*

 

for all flight information was scrambled beyond anyone's ability to right it. It was anyone's guess what would happen in the skies from then on. Manolo was on his way back to the land of carnival, when he discovered he was on one of those flights. As he gazed out the window, he realized that his fate was in the hands of the pilot, and his ability to navigate. He felt a sinking feeling when....

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