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DON QUIXOTE

 

...was seen on the plane and who began to charge the pilot because he thought the pilot was windmill, this despite the fact that the pilot resembled a six-story apartment building much more that a windmill. This was lost on poor Don because they didn't have apartment buildings in Spain in 1635 and it should be noted that Manolo el del bombo hadn't been born yet and good thing too because he loves soccer more than anything and soccer hadn't been invented yet and he was therefore spared a lot if disappointment. But Sancho seeing the danger that his master might cause with his overzealous moral imperative to right the wrongs of civilization intervened by...

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SITTING PRETTY

 

Oh he was so pretty when he wanted to be. Many of the crew and the passengers commented on just how prettily he was sitting. No one seemed to notice that he was astride a burro at the time and the burro was being especially obstinate, hee-hawwing up and down the aisle. Just then the Marx brothers jumped out of a lavatory, followed by dear Margaret looking for a lost tiara. The plane was still airborne, so they all decided to relax and have a drink...possibly the last one. Just then Lucille Ball came down the aisle asking for .....

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A STOLEN LIFE

 

...as it was determined that a life had been stolen and would everyone please pitch in and see if they could find it. At once all were looking it though no one had the slightest idea what one looked like. But it is was generally believed that it would be instantly recognizable. Then someone yelled out and said, "I found it!" All eyes turned to from whence this utterance had emanated and were amused to see...

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*ALEXANDER NEVSKY*

 

Trying his best at English, he exclaimed "here, under the third seat, left side, over the wing...It is a life, if I've ever seen one!" They all looked at the blank floor under the seat and acknowledged that Alex was stressed more than they were. Lucille was becoming petulent and the burro needed to go "outside". They all began to feel uneasy, again, when all of a sudden...

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THE CANTERVILLE GHOST

 

...impinged upon our story with echo-emanating lamentations coming from that castle in which he had been imprisoned for these long centuries to be released upon the heroic deed still in the waiting and the hearing of these lamentations informed our company that this was indeed the stolen life and a relief was felt by all most egregiously by the burro who did exactly that which cause such a stink that Lucy who was normally of good cheer said "I've had it," and yelled, "Rickeeeee" who was at the club seeing bob-ah-looooooo but the I Love Lucy episode just then ended and the next program came on which was a story about...

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*A TASTE OF HONEY*

 

It was something new for the time...what we now know as an infomercial. One whole hour about the various tastes of honey, depending on where it came from and at what time of the year it was harvested. Everyone on the plane watched intently for a while, but as usual, they were soon all asleep. Time to get this plane turned around and into innerspace...heading for home! But the war of the worlds had taken place while they were dithering with the burro, etc, so they had no place to land. They flew in circles for what seemed eons, when the pilot suggested that they all start to....

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CRY TERROR

 

...because they were getting low and petrol and the burro was making a stink that made everyone feel that they should just parachute below and see what was going on with the war since they weren't getting any updates from CNN. Everybody jumped from the plane and were relieved to find that it was only a radio show and much ado about nothing and so everyone met at Starbucks for caramel machiattos and low carb vanilla wafers and talked about latest bowling news. Suddenly it got dark outside real fast and they thought, oh, an eclipse, but no, it was...

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*FATSO*

 

passing by the window. He was walking as fast as he could but he caused enough dark for the management to turn on all the lights...revealling a most hideous case of lack of hygienic management. Rats were frollicing on the floor and roaches were gambolling on the tables. Fatso finally made his way away, and the lights immediately went out.management hoped that no one had noticed, but many did, and cell calls were streaming into the department of health. It was no time at all that Starbuck's was a distant memory. But the masses needed a replacement. Mass hysteria would ensue if it didn't happen soon, so from out of the clammoring crowd came a small voice...it was my friend Irma, declaring...

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A SUCCESSFUL CALAMITY

 

...could be successfully avoided if everybody stopped drinking coffee altogether and instead drank orange juice because Irma had a couple of friends who had an orange juice stand for awhile anyway. Irma tried to think of a replacement for Starbucks but could not do so being the type of blonde she was, meaning that she would not be accepted to take part in a think tank on account of certain liabilities in cerebral cortex. But she made up for all that because she had an idea that would make Einstein blush, and so with great flourish she gathered everyone round and said...

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*EVERY GIRL SHOULD BE MARRIED*

 

That way, her husband could do all the thinking. They all agreed that it made absolute sense, so they all paired off and had a mass wedding, right there in a former Starbaucks. After the ceremony, all the girls retired to the ladies lounge and the men put their heads together to think. The orange juice stand had already be discussed, but one dandy came up with a varient...how about a concoction...oj and other stuff...and we can call it Orange'nstuff. Agreed upon unanimously, the men congratulated themselves and looked for the girls. But there were no girls to be found. They had...

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BIG CITY BLUES

 

...being unhappy with men as usual. They were okay with the orange part but the stuff part was taken exception to in that the term stuff was a little too vague for the female temperament and of course not trusting the male gender in just about everything else as well, the battle of the sexes was once again in full swing and to make a long story short the women wanted to know exactly what these men meant by stuff by golly. To which the men snickered and said wouldn't you like to know and guffawed like the brutes that they are and so the women who history have shown us to be more that able in these battles promptly exerted their extraordinary power and proceeded to...

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*A LONG DAY'S JOURNEY INTO NIGHT*

 

Their journey took them all over town, and when night came, they were all cold, tired and scared. Some men viewed them from doorways, and murmered to themselves..."just like women...carp, carp, carp, but at the end of the day, they need a man to keep them safe..." The girls were wishing that the men would surprise them, and the night would end happily (until morning, at any rate), but no man came forth. Soon they were resigned to their fate...they were alone...in the cold, in the dark, in the wrong part of town...what would any woman do in such a situation? They...

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CRIES AND WHISPERS

 

...issued across the divide in the hope of establishing a meaningful communication with the guys and lamented the admission of weakness and wondering almost petulantly what Cleopatra might have done in this spot. But Cleo is not here, she is but legend and they ruefully admitted that they were no Cleo anyway. They made concessions about the stuff in the orange juice but upon their return to the bliss of reunion claimed headaches until the guys acquiesced to a number of demands including repairing the roof for heaven's sake, it's raining. The men were so happy, except one who insisted that...

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*BABY, THE RAIN MUST FALL*

 

He convinced the other men and they all repaired to the nearest pub. Once dry and wet, so to speak, one of them put some coin into the juke box and soon, Joni James was crooning *PURPLE SHADE*.

As they relaxed into the song, in came the harridans demanding attention. "Shaddap and listen to the nice song" someone yelled. "nice songs in this dump?" they shreiked. "get your butts out of here and on the roof, or we'll sing you another song...a lullaby"They all left together, but once on the street, they all went their separate ways when they spotted a rag-tag Italian circus ahead. One of the performers strolde up to one of the guys and asked "dove Zamapano e Gelsomina...siame chercandole" The words fell on dead ears, and for a long moment, they just stood there, Suddenly up the street came...

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DODSWORTH

 

...who's nose was in an Italian phrase book trying to look up the meaning of that juicy Italian phrase and trying also in his mind to dispel the notion that he was in a Fellini movie when he knew in fact that he was in another movie altogether seeing the sights trying to nurse his depression after being jilted by his wife who went to marry this German fellow. The rag-tag circus turned out be a band of die hard revolutionaries who were trying to hide their identities from the authorities but who were doing nothing but looking ridiculous and Dodsworth rolled his eyes in contempt and then noticed a group of resolute angry women with fire in their eyes and with a definite purpose and who...

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*WAIT UNTIL DARK*

 

To strike. They ambled down the street with a deadly gleam in their eyes, each of them calling for Dodsworth to show himself. The group tried to hide him, but it was too little too late. The banshees descended upon him, rending his flesh like starved savages. Suddenly Liz Taylor appeared, wearing a most attractive white bathing suit. They all stopped ane just stared at her. She dragged Dodsy to the curb, but it was too late. He was dead. Off in the distance the voice of Violet Venerable was heard "you'll pay for this, you rabid beasts...I'll have you all comitted...I know people!" Just then a sad faced Doctor appeared, as if to add more sadness to the whole affair. "stop" he declared, " for I will....

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ATTACK

 

... the problem with a little trick I learned in medical school," and then to the amazement of all brought Dodsworth back to life much to the relief of studio heads who could now continue the movie with Dodsworth meeting Edith and living happily ever after leaving Mrs Dodsworth alone to stew in her stuff. Meanwhile everyone had not quite gotten over seeing Liz in that bathing suit, so beautiful she was, and even the doctor after having performed this marvelous Lazurus- like feat would have liked to have found Miss Taylor in the hopes that she might not be feeling well and he might then examine her. But she was not to be found as she was inhabiting at that time one of her movies where she was busily engaged in...

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*BOOM!*

 

For, truth be told, she was having some deadly gastrointestinal problems. But the good doctor couldn't quite reach her vibration, so he had to content himself with his imagination. Meanwhile Mrs. Dodsworth was on her way to see the doctor for a series of facial operations, which she was told, would take thirty years off. The fact that she was only forty didn't seem to give her pause. They agreed upon a time for the work to be done ...the following Thursday at high noon. Until then the doc had to deal with his ever growing (ahem!) fascination with la Taylor. He decidedm to use a tactic that worked while he was in the military. He would....

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MURDER MOST FOUL

 

Yes, it worked great on the battlefield where there were enemies all round but it was a little trickier to swing in peace time. Little did anyone know that his fascination for Liz and that appointment for the Dodsworth kook was not caused by an ache in the loins but rather because of an obsessive desire to kill and to savor the moment when life slowly ebbed from the bodies of his victims. Meanwhile a person who could read minds just happed by within proximity of this presumptive doctor and peered into the mind of same and was duly appalled and began to blubber incoherently to which the doctor approached and said he knew just the remedy for such occurrences and so he took out his bag and...

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*THE KILLING*

 

took place immediately. Just one prick with the needle (ahem), and life was no longer a viable vehicle for the mind-reader. Off to the ladies and more murders. He set each one up in a separate room divided by a smaller one, That way he could work on them together...a fact that gave the good doctor a fit of giggles. He chose Dodsworth first, asking her to remove her frilly dress and hat and to fold them neatly (he abhored disarray), and in an instant a poke in the right eye dispatched her to the land of permanent ruffles. Next was Liz. He pounced upon her without hesitation and she was so shocked, her lovely white swimsuit fell to the floor. Then the story takes a sad turn...it seems at that very moment, Liz' damnable digestive problems resurfaced, leaving the doctor....

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AFFECTIONATELY YOURS

 

?as he exited the scene with a celerity that would make the hair of a hare stand on end with envy at the very swiftness perceived. So traumatized was this murderer of the furious feminine flatulence that he brought both Mme Dodsworth and Mlle Taylor back to life (thus allowing them to finish their respective films) and vowed henceforth to follow the straight and narrow so that he might right the many wrongs of his grievous life. But alas it too late, the Grim Reaper paid him a visit that very night and he suddenly found himself where he knew not, was it up there or the other place. He soon found out when?

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*CHIMES AT MIDNIGHT*...

 

alerted him to the fact that he was in neither netherland...he was in an underfunded, poorly filmed Orson Welles film. How do I get out of this?, he murmered. Better to be a feared misanthrope, than a repentant extra. He willed himself back to his former life, but as things usually do, they went wrong, and he soon realized he was in the unemployment line...the best unemployment line, however It WAS Hollywood, afterall. He began a conversation with a fellow unemployed, and realized he was in the presence of none other than...

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A MAN FOR ALL SEASONS

 

?the Fat Knight himself, Sir John Falstaff, who after being rudely dismissed by that scamp Hal was now looking for work in whatever Shakespearean historical endeavor that might touch upon the history of the whoreson mandrake and knave, Sir John himself, and whose auditions consisted of swilling sack and bellowing archaic invective. The doctor, amazed at the sight of this considerable person, in girth if not worth, had his own problems having been cast in a sea story about a mean Captain who was fond of keelhauling members of his crew for the slightest infractions, such as throwing grapefruit over the side. The doctor liked grapefruit and thought this punishment unfair for which to remedy wrote a letter to the captain saying...

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*FANFAN LA TULIPE*

 

which was the captain's secret "other" name. How the doctor knew this tidbit is for another time in another thread. However, the captain flew into a furor when he read the correspondence. Was he more distressed over the grapefruit or the name slip? No one ever found out because the captain dropped dead on the spo. They threwhim overboard with more grapefruit and the crew indicated that they'd like the doctor to take the captain's place. He accepted the position with the stipulation that they clean up the place and fold everything neatly. The crew eyed each other in a manner that suggested mutiny. From the frying pan into the fire, they thought. They planned to meet in the night to arrange their error correction. All seemed to go well, until....

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SECRETS AND LIES

 

?began circulating among the crew regarding who was to do all this cleaning and all this folding. The struggle for power reached fever pitch and it was decided that a talent show would decided who gets the bridge. A slightly built sailor was first and wowified the crowd with an imitation of Ralph Kramden losing his temper and was made Captain. The other Captain was quickly deposed and thrown overboard. The crew was so happy they joined hands and played Ring Around the Rosies and when they fell down they split a gut. They suddenly realized that the Simpson?s were on but couldn?t watch it because someone forgot to pay the cable bill. They found the culprit who was promptly keelhauled. In other words, everything was normal...One day Moby Dick emerged on the surface of the sea and made inquiry as to whether...

 

Edited by: laffite on Nov 25, 2009 5:31 PM

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