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Movies are the answer


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*MEN MUST FIGHT*

 

"of course" they all exclaimed, and resumed bopping each other over the head. This excess would soon have to cease, if they were to continue their voyage. After a break in the chaos, the slightly built sailor announced that he was taking over the ship...and that furthermore, he was Jane Powell, and that they would obey her or else (she declined to elaborate further on that threat). In no time atall, the ship was in order and Jane was ready to begin rehearsals for her forthcoming film abouta family of health nuts who nurture a group of body-builders. She selected a few of the more fit sailors to serve as stand-ins. She enjoyed being hefted by these hunks, and nearly swooned at the thought of when filming actually began, and Steve Reeves would be doing some of the hefting. When rehearsals were over for the day, Jane retired to her cabin. Soon, a knock was heard on her door. It was....

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SUPERMAN

 

?himself who thought to pay an unscheduled visit to pretty Jane despite the fact that he was a horrible anachronism as Superman is totally out of place in a sea story but pretty Jane was delighted at the sight of this the hunk of all hunks and broke immediately into a song and dance routine that was to die for although the director yelled ?Cut? because the film wasn?t rolling and Jane said, ?Oh.? But that didn?t stop her swooning and she began to rack her brain to have Superman in the story despite he being the last person who needed any body building but soon had a splendid idea for him, he would be...

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*UNDERCOVER MAN*

 

brought in to keep an eye on the girls. It could work well within the script and add just one more sub plot. Who could object...after all Jane had clout. She presented the idea to the chief and he went through the roof..."He's already in the script, and furthermore he can't act, but, wait a minute, wait a minute...they could be twins" They all agreed on the idea, and in no time atall Steve was studying two roles for one play. His head was reeling as he finished his lat pullups. As he flipped down he landed off center and broke his leg, eliminating him from both parts. His dreams of hitting it big were dashed as he limped onto the gurney. Another script change was in order. How about....

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ALICE IN WONDERLAND

 

?all over again only change the name to Jane and when she has all these wonderful adventures she can do a song and dance and during the breaks she can drop in on ole Steve to see how the leg is doing and get him a cup of tea or something. And if pretty Jane gets into trouble a telephone booth can be constructed for Steve to don his Superman costume and he?ll have a pair of crutches by his bed just in case. The producer thought this the stupidest idea he ever heard and threatened to pull out but pretty Jane sang him the sweetest song imaginable and the producer was so smitten he gave in, even paying home care visits for Steve who had fallen in love with pretty Jane and wanted to?

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*LEAVE HER TO HEAVEN*

 

After a while Steve grew weary of the eternal sweetness, and told her he'd had enough. Fromm then on she would have to find another superman, for he was leaving on a voyage to Italy. Left in the lurch, pretty Jane decided to call the whole venture olff and follow her loveboat to Italy. When Steve saw her on board, he figured she was there to see him off. Little did he know that she was in the stateroom next to his. He had to do something drastic to make her realize that it was OFF. He came up with ...

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A STREETCAR NAMED DESIRE

 

?and then had the streetcar go off the tracks and ram into a brick wall, bursting into flames the likes of which cannot be adequately described by mere words alone. And that's pretty hard to do on a ship to Italy. Now pretty Jane can certainly take a hint but her love for Steve/Superman was so intense that it matched the love that Lana Turner had for Robert Taylor in Johnny Eager which was very considerable indeed, so much so that Robert had to deliver a chopping right hand to the jaw to be rid of her. Jane sighed and said she saw the movie too, then told him she would leave him forever on one condition, which was that he had to...

 

Edited by: laffite on Nov 28, 2009 12:18 AM

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*LOVE THAT BRUTE*

 

Steve thought it over, and decided anything was better than what he had with Jane; so he encountered a brute and immediately fell in love. Jane was satisfied and left the ship immediately. Steve and the brute settled down to a life of happy domesticity, and all was well with the world. Then quite out of the blue came a loud noise followed by bright lights flashing in Steve's eyes. He rose up to find that....

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EL DIABLO

 

?had welded his wily wicked influences in that the noise and lights were caused by a horrific auto accident in which the brute was killed throwing Steve in such despair that he donned his Superman costume and flew back to Krypton, a mighty feat considering he wasn?t Superman at all but Steve Reeves which goes to show what you can do when you really want to and if you just happen to have a Superman costume handy. A movie director who witnessed Steve?s amazing departure reflected that gosh they should make a movie of that guy but he was involved with a project of his own though his poor memory wouldn't allow for recollection and so he stumbled about Italy looking demented until someone recognized him and was amazed to see...

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*THEY WERE SISTERS*

 

That's right, sisters. Now that that was settled, all of Italy regarded them as the second coming, and said regular novernas in thanks. In all actuality, they two females, joined at the back...sort of like a pushmepullyou. An Earth changing operation separated them successfully, and from then on they were just regular people. No one looked, no one genuflected...they were pretty much ignored...and they didn't like it a bit. Even when they were regarded as a madman, it was better than being transparent. They put their heads together (a feat that they could never do until quite recently) and thought it out. What gimick would restore them to recognizability...the female, we'll call her Doris, decided that they must....

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IN THIS OUR LIFE

 

?accept and resign themselves to lives of obscurity and ordinariness having decided that having to be somebody was overrated and that forgetting themselves and devoting their lives to others was the way of true fulfillment. They soon were bored to tears so Doris grabbed the gun her mother had given her on her fourth birthday and shot the first person she saw and soon they were in the headlines again and were aware that becoming famous was hard but infamous was easy and they became known as Doris ?n Daisy, the crime-spree twins. Inspector Clouseau, the famous investigator was put on the case and the fate of the twins were sealed now knowing that they would never be caught and they were happy as larks until?

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*INTOLERANCE*

 

overtook the land. Everyone was incensed that the inept inspector was put on the case, so they demanded they get more for their taxes. An immediate conference was called and the result was astonishing. They would try to get hold of Fantomas, and put him on the trail of these crazy kids.

Everyone knew that Fantomas had retired to the south of France to be with his artist friend, but they had to try. And their efforts were worthwhile. Fantomas agreed, having grown tired of lolling in the sun and posing for paintings. He returned to Pzaris and finding himself without a franc, he decided to augment his income with a sideline. He would be Fantiomas by day and by night he would be...

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THE BEST MAN

 

?for the Doris ?n Daisy job, videlicet, his twin brother Juve, who is a police chief and more qualified to chase those on the other side of the law and also providing a little artistic symmetry having one pair of twins chasing another. Once it came apparent that we had a Twins v. Twins situation, Hollywood wanted rights to the proceedings that was quickly jumped upon since Fantomas aka Juve, as aforesaid, had nary a franc not even for the cheapest crepe, which though not generally known, is his great passion other than (of course) designing exquisite tortures for his victims such as guillotining face up so that victims can witness their own executions. Doris n? Daisy scoffed at this saying they would just close their eyes, so there, and laughed and frolicked knowing they would be rich and famous after all but froze when they heard the knock on the door after which opening were aghast to find...

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*THE LANDLORD*

 

They hadn't paid their rent for months, and while the landlord enjoyed watching the sweet young things frolicking in the garden, he had to put his food down. They told him they were waiting for a check that was in the mail and he believed them at first. Whe he heard them giggling behind the door, he realized he's been taken for a fool, once again, so he changed his name to Jack and entered the twins' room one more time...the last time. When he was finished, he was sure they were no longer his problem, and went to dinner. While enjoying the dregs of his Chianti, a stranger came in and sat next to him. He said simply...

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AS YOU LIKE IT

 

...and then proceeded to dispatch Jack to the other world with a quick chop to the neck now having taken revenge with this infernal Jack for having had his movie contract voided by Tinsel Town now that the D&D twins were no more and he, Fantomas, was once again franc-less and without a crepe, and once again looking for work but who wants a retired adventurer especially one with a track record like his. Feeling depressed he called his friend Arsene Lupin who sympathized but was also in the doldrums and they thought to get together over a bottle of L?oville-Barton (2005) and lament the loss of the great French pulp heroes of yesteryear. Then the great gentleman cambriolateur Lupin had an idea, they would get together and...

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*LOOK BACK IN ANGER*

 

This task took longer than either of them thought, and with their franc dwindling down to pesos, they drank a less estimed liquor...le Thunderbird. As they drank away the evening, the exotic liquor took hold and soon they were in a stupor. They were on the Riviera with another of their ilk, Mark Robie. As the fantasy wore on, they decided that one more caper was in order, Robie had his eye on one lady in particular...a Miss Sugar Cane. It was well known that she was wildly wealthy and treated her jewels with reckless abandon. The waiter came by with their check and the three of them gave him a blank stare. With the utmost delicasy, he....

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CLOSELY WATCHED TRAINS

 

?as they went by on the platform across the way, anything to keep himself from whatever was going through the minds of these formidable icons of the anti-hero golden age and their diabolical strategems who, as mentioned, had designs on Sugar Cane, yes the one and same who dumped that idiot trumpet player and stole Osgood Fielding III from that wacky bass player (who ended up in an aslylum) and married him and who bought her a fortune in jewelry that she reveled in day in night, that is, when she wasn?t tippling from a flask that she kept in her garter belt. The waiter knew that Miss Cane was due any minute and though he was a confirmed coward he still loved Miss Cane and thought to do whatever to save her...so eyeing the three legends of crime, he reached into his pocket...

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*PAYMENT ON DEMAND*

 

at the ready, he offered them all he had including tips. They laughed at him as if he were a low servant (which of course, is what he was). They kicked sand in his face and proceeded to the spot where Sugar was sure to be...Rick's Place. As they entered, the band was playing Le Marcellaise and someone named Strasser was squacking for them to cease immediately. They played on nonetheless. Sugar was in a corner drinking her third Sazarak with yet another beau. They had to come up with a way to get her alone. After watching a Fred and Ginger film on their Cells, the decided to have the waiter to tell him he was wanted on the telephone, and when he was away, they would have easy access to Sugar. They approached cautiously, and then suddenly attempted to shove her into a gunny sack. It went quite well until Sugar wiggled away and....

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LOVE HAPPY

 

...was she no longer because despite the precariousness of her position, took the time to sing "I'm Through with Love" while the three bandits just stood there dumbfounded and no doubt stricken all three like a thunderbolt out of sheer amorousness for the Sazarak-soused warbler ... and like sailors bewitched by that Siren on the Mediterranean coast in that great Epic of yore were distracted just long enough for Sugar to flee the scene, wearing that backless dress, hair flying in the wind, mink stole flailing behind, and thinking of Strasser who she thought was quite handsome screaming at those musicians. Not to be denied, three Anti-heros of the Golden Age of French Pulp, unfazed, caught up with her and...

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*THE STRANGE WOMAN*

 

just glared at them. She was the Alpha at the moment, aided and abbeted by the Sazaraks, and she was going to enjoy the feeling. She was tired of always getting the fuzzy end of the lolipop (as she was so fond of saying). She told them in no uncertain terms to haul **** and never come near her again. They were astounded to find such a strong willed woman in such a form..."Mon Dieu" they all cried in unison, "we must find her a role in our film" problem was...they'd forgotten what film they were working on. They decided to take a room at a nearby hotel , and think about it. Sugar joined them, thinking she might get a chance to meet that Strasser guy. They spent most of the night calling room service. One call brought Jerry Lewis to the door, and they invited him in. He decided to join them and while they were planning their strategy, a knock was heard at the door. Who was it?...

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THE LANDLORD

 

...a female a some allure as it turned out who said break it up as this is a respectable place to which le gentillehomme cambriolateur Lupin jumped up and whispered sweet nothings to her including the irresistible, "Vos beaux yeux me font mourir d'amour" which made her swoon to oblivion. Jerry Lewis and Sugar Cane were singing, "Rockaby your Baby..." and "I Want to be Loved by You" (thinking of Strasser) respectively and simultaneously. Pandemonium was such that Fantomas had to rise to feet and say, enough, we gotta remember the film now, bejesus! But nobody could remember it and so they said what the hell and then another knock on the door and voice was heard, "It's me, Strasser," which made Sugar Cane leap to her feet and...

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*WALKABOUT*

 

But truth be told, there was little room for that, so she took herself out into the hallway and walked out with Strasser in tow. They hailed a cab and in no time they in front of Mocambo. They entered with the rest of the elite, and were seated at a table behind a large pillar. Strasser bellowed that it wasn't good enough and they were soon escorted out. This single event on an average evening was the cause of the Nazis taking over the United States and calling for an eight o'clock curfew. The party-goers were agast at such barbarism and rose up to defeat the nazi regime immediately. All of this took place in three days. Who says Americans won't fight for their rights? As he stumbled along Sunset, looking for food, he was approached by a sweet young thing..."hey, you're Strasser...you used to be a Nazi, you used to be big" he replied "I am big it's the politics that got small" "You'll see my comeback!" It was sugar, hoping for a change in his demeanor, but to her chagrin...

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A DANGEROUS PROFESSION

 

...was his bent and it became clear that he was going to pursue his revolutionary ideas and when he came to her to make a contact to arrange for guns she looked at him and fluttered her eyes before breaking into "Daimonds are a Girl's Best Friend" and said that she was into more in love than war whereupon finishing her song she wheeled around and strode down the way wiggling her fanny in a way that totally exasperated Strasser who gave up on her and put in ad in the paper for an army to reclaim what he had lost although there was not a chance of success because Sugar Cane had the attention of the nation having made a new movie about...

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*SISTER KENNY*

 

She had reached a point in her life where it wasn't just all about her having fun. She had turned a corner, and now she would give of herself to aid other less fortunate people. She opened a huge clinic in Times Square and afer a few months, she decided to errect a monument to herself at the entrance. One day this attracted poor, down-and-out Herr Strasser. He thought he could endear himself to her enough to float him a loan. He still had delusions of reopening the walk-in concentration camp he started a few years back...before the neighbors started complaining, and the city closed him down for back taxes. When he was announced, Sugar invited him in and offered him a chair. He took it but decided it would be a real pain to try to sell it, so he left it at the door as he left. Just out the door, another old flame appeared...it was none other than...

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A THOUSAND CLOWNS

 

...a mass of former fans who were mad to see her and in their haste knocked over the statue and trampled Strasser to death but they didn't care because it was their idol, Sugar Cane, that they wanted to see and you can only imagine their profound disappointment when they saw Sister Kenny instead. A few of the devout ones bowed to the good Sister but most just stood there like idiots and were then but surprised when a police man entered the room and said, "Okay, who among you is..."

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*BEYOND THE VALLEY OF THE DOLLS*

 

None of them, to be sure...for they immediately began emptying their bags, pockets and hats to reveal the most obscene assortment of drugs ever seen at one time. The cop hauled them all into the nearby jail, and quietly collected the drugs. He fantasized about the riches they could bring him, and in a trice, he was off with them . He disappeared into the night only to resurface in Honolulu weeks later, with a good looking dame who's just become a brunette. She was hiding out, too. Together they rented a shack on the ocean and began a reverie of supreme solice. That is, until they ventured into town one night and.....

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