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Movies are the answer


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DEEP IN MY HEART

 

?I don?t think I?ve ever seen such a pair. He looked like a cop all right but his pockets were stuffed with dough and he was with this dame who resembled Eleanor Powell who had just finished her dance number that wowed everyone at club including me. I approached them he said whaddya want and I reached into my trench coat and took out Cracker Jack prize and he was immediately mollified. He had a habit of spitting out of the side of his mouth sometimes hitting my new spats just bought at Pay-Less. I was not amused. Eleanor giggled and the man said Shad Up and nearly hit her with a backhand. Finally I looked at the guy straight in the eye and said, okay I?ll come to the point?

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*YOU'LL LIKE MY MOTHER*

 

Ane she will surely like you...you're so like my father. Why not relax and come home with us and share a holiday meal? He acquiessed and soon they were motoring toward the winding road toward the rugged coast of England. As they rode along, the pedal slowly began to increase its surge until just as they came to the first hairpin curve, they shot into the night and into infamy. As the smoke settled way down in the canyon, onlookers gaped in horror. All that was left was some debris, and shards of clothing. Suddenly out of the smoke arose a figure that was soon revealed as Harpo Marx.

Was he there to play at the funeral? no one knew...until he announced (with his horn, of course)...

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A FAREWELL TO ARMS

 

?and joy to the world for which to celebrate he played Faure?s famous Impromptu for solo harp that had the onlookers rapt with attention and filled with wondrous joy and everyone said a prayer for the dear departed. Harpo dissolved from the scene and there was nothing left to look at and the onlookers slowly scattered and once again prepared to resume there dreary existences and a pall of gloom begin to fill the air. Once again something was needed to restore hope and glory to the existence of mankind but no one stepped forward. Light became dusk and dusk turned to night and the human condition was now as bleak as ever before?Is there nothing that can restore hope and dreams, is there not an Epic hero to step forward and save the human race. YES, THERE IS?for here comes?

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*THE AMBASSADOR'S DAUGHTER*

 

She had the ear of a prominent man, and he was devoted to her. What she asked, he usually gave and thankfully. All she had to do was ask. She promised them to improve their lot, if they could come up with a cogent list of required fixes. Therein lay the rub,however, for they couldn't agree on any one thing. Each one raising his voice above the other. Soon it was evident that humanity was doomed to destruction by lack of general agreement on anything. The daughter was angered by such foolishness, and rose up, walked to the door and without further flourish, walked out. She was omn her way to another planet...one that was more aware and more agreeable. As she flew away, the sad group waved goodbye. Just then the door opened, and in came .....

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THE EFFICENCY EXPERT

 

...who was in uniform and looking very official and began to question people on just what part of the human soul needed fixing. Everybody shrugged their shoulders and the expert nodded confidently and began to stare fixedly at his various manuals. Everybody waited patiently but had to wait longer because the expert had to go the bathroom. The toilet was inoperable and the efficiency expert realized in a flash that the toilet had to be fixed before the human soul though he admitted wryly that he sometimes thought they were one and the same. When the toilet flushed properly once again a feeling of optimism came over the group and the efficiency expert said that the human soul would be fixed in a moment, he just had to...

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*GET CARTER*

 

Who was Carter, everyone wondered. Just then someone calling himself Carter entered, He was carrying a bucket, a mop and some rags. He was the janitor for the building. He was going to save humanity? they all asked. It seemed appropriate, once they thought about it. So...what is this one man going to do? Make some calls, see some people and runs some errands. The in a moment, all humanity's woes would be fixed. The first callm was to...

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DON?T DRINK THE WATER

 

?because the plumbing was all screwed up and it would serve no purpose to clean up humanity?s woes if you?re just going to have a glass of water and get sick. Everybody turned to each other and nodded in assent thinking this Carter fellow was the ticket all right but there was one among the group who did not nod and who had a gleam in the eye such as The Archfiend might have when contemplating dark deeds contrary to good humanitarian offices and a young girl with wide eyes peering out of a pretty elfin face recognized this being for who it was and thought oh no, not again, the battle is on once again to...

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*RALLY 'ROUND THE FLAG, BOYS*

 

Right back to the old routine...what could they do, but go along? A small voice from the rear of the crowd was heard saying, "I'm mad as hell, and I'm not going to take it anymore". They all looked 'round and found it came from Asta. He had with him an entourage of his movie muts, all of whom were in eager agreement. What if the dogs took over the world? Could it be any worse? No was the unanimous answer. So the idea of a canine run world took hold and each country sent their finest furry-person to represent it. They met at the old UN building and but for water bowls and lots of pee breaks, it ran much like the former did. The first item on the agenda was to elect a leader. In no time Lady was unanimously elected, and spaghetti was brought in for lunch. Then they had to come up with the most important item to alter...they decided it would be....

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MY LIFE AS A DOG

 

?as the most important thing that each dog should keep in their uppermost canine consciousness with the ultimate goal of upending once and for all the tyranny of the **** Sapiens who have done nothing but befoul the world with their hellish proclivities. ?Oh, and by the way,? said the Tramp, who had installed himself as head dog by virture of his his brilliant conquest of the three alley dogs in the movie, ?Don?t let the Sapian liars give you any of that crap about loyalty and man?s best friend. We?ve had enough of that canard!? With that the other dogs raised their voices in assent and for once the dogs of the world were uniting. The old Italian chef who gave Lady and the Tramp that spaghetti and meatball dinner came out and wondered what all the barking was about. Then he suddenly knew and soon the dogs were on him. He tried to get away but?

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*LADY POSSESSED*

 

was nothing to trifle with. She was angry that his succulent repasts had ruined her figure and caused her to shop at Petsmart instead of Currtier. They pounced on Joe with abandon, and he was a gonner

They were resolute in their cause. Dogs ruled! Back at the former UN, they were in session, deciding what to do about the doggie laws, that caused discomfort for them as well as their owners. They decided to repeal all laws regarding dogdoodoo. From then on the world would be a doggie potty. In no time, they realized that such an idea would bring with it more problems for them, so they vetoed it and called for an early close of the session. There they were, without hope. Could humans really be the answer? They ordered in some spaghetti, and then remembered poor joe...at their nadir, they were about to dissolve in a panic of canine panic when out of left field came....

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BEDLAM

 

...as every dogcatcher in the entire world were now on alert to capture, subdue, and potentially put down all recalcitrant dogs who were, uh, recalcitrant. PETA joined the fray and soon WWIII broke out. The dogs of the world loved the attention and they just sat back and watched. Neither side had nuclear capability as yet and so it was a struggle to the death. The cats of the world were livid that stupid dogs could get all this attention so they hatched a plan of their own and they called upon no other than the redoubtable Pyewacket whose status as a familiar was thought to be an advantage and it was true because...

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*HE WALKED BY NIGHT*

and he knew all the secrets that the night revealed. Pye was the one to turn things around, they were sure. All the cool cats and even some dogs were on board with the new plan, until dogdom unleashed it's secret force...the Canine Corps of purebreds...everyone knew how short tempered and maladjusted they were...and everyone quaked at the thought of them on the loose. The cats gathered all their forces and chose only the coolest to become the Cool Cat Brigade. The Canines chose an old battle hymn as their rallying call, while the Cats chose a medley of riffs by Dave Brubeck, Jerry Mulligan and Charlie Parker. When the battle was over, the world was saddened to learn that....

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ALL THAT JAZZ

 

...was not quite enough for the under-uh-dog, star-gazing, music-loving Felines to win the day and if they had added Freddie Hubbard or Clifford Brown to the mix they may have forced a decisive edge to the battle while on the other side the chest-thumping, old-fashioned Canines might have tipped the scales their way if they had added a few Sousa marches to go along with their battle hymns but as it turned out the struggle was stalemated as the blaring trumpets on either side canceled each other out and once again peaceful co-existence was the order of the day although it was boring as hell. So boring was it that Lassie tried to pick a fight with Jones the cat but there was an, uh, alien on the spaceship Nostromo who was hungry and...

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RABBIT, RUN

 

no, no!...it's RABID, not rabbit, said one cat to a dog...there was someone onboard who was rabid! Horrors!...what to do? First of, find the diseased on and then banish him from the spaceship. But how to find him? He would look much like the others, unless the disease had already taken it's toll.

The elected a group from the crew to gaze at all faces onboard...they all looked normal. The one sly cat ...a Cheshire registered a change in his grin. They had him, but he was still wiley and outsmarted them at every turn. The pilot who was always on auto, came up with a surprising solution. They would...

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BLOW UP

 

...the spaceship and then the Cheshire would be in smithereens and no more rabid cat. The rest of the crew just glared at him. What about us, they asked, we would be in smithereens too. The pilot's face grew puzzled like Louis Nye trying to remember his name and finally said, "Oh." The pilot went back tor reading comic books and Ripley and Ash had an argument. The alien appeared and had Cheshire cat on his breath so now they only had to do and wait until someone got chest pains and then the plot could move forward. John Hurt got a chest pain and everybody braced for the big scene but he took a bromo and was ok. The director yelled cut and wanted to know who changed the script but was promptly informed that this was real life not a movie and that the alien was strolling down steel corridors and everybody was afraid except Ripley who...

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*CRIES AND WHISPERS*

 

whenever there was a calamity. Pretending to be above it all by playing the coolest cat possible. But, they all knew that the end was in sight and there was little for them to do but to wait out the tense night. As the night wore on some of the coolest decided to put on a little diversional show. Tess did a hot version of HE'S A TRAMP and then Lady did yet another BELLA NOTE for the umpteenth time. It worked...the group were relaxed and resolved. The the plane pitched to one side and none other than Dumbo made his difficult way down the aisle. Whe he reached the fore section, he turned, taking out two aisles, and announced that his newfound courage would help them in their dilemma. The plan was to...

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CALL IT A DAY

 

...and turn in for the night and counting sheep with serenity in mind as they know what they always knew and that they were at the mercy of the screenwriters and the directors and never had a chance to do what they really wanted to do. Everytime a character had something really cool say, some screenwriter would change it to something else. That wasn't fair. So SCG (Screen Character's Guild) got together and lodged a protest that would allow characters to decide their own fate and not be at the mercy of screenwriters who always gave them something stupid to say. There was a great rallying cry from all the characters who ever was and the screenwriters of the world shrank in terror. Then the Mank Brothers said they had had enough and took out their pens and began to write a new script for humanity, starting out by...

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*PAYMENT DEFERRED*

 

They knew that this enormous undertaking would cost a lot, so they asked the bank for a bit of mercy...all things considered. The bank responded with a demand for all payments to be made in advance of any costly changes were begun. Another good idea, dashed by the money mongers, they thought. In the meantime, work was being done from within the bank, for there was among the antagonists, a true friend. He worked away, quietly with anyone knowing. The only problem is that none of the rest of them knew what was going on. At their lowest, they bought booze with their last money, and retired to the park across the street from the bank. When all seemed lost, out of the bank came...

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A KISS IN THE DARK

 

...so to speak. It was a blank check issued by no other than Howard Hughs for the sole purpose of rewriting every movie ever made so that characters could pull out their depressions and be the real character they always wanted to be. The only condition was that Jane Russell had to be the star of every single movie, a requirement that everyone thought a very good idea because Jane was cool and besides they would get all this money. They threw a party to celebrate their great fortune and decided to put off work until 2020 because, well, it would take time to sort out everything, an idea that Howard did not like and so he sent Jane to the screenwriters that they needed to get going on a new movie with Jane to be about...

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*TWIN PEAKS*

 

Jane had no trouble convincing the men that it would be wise to begin immediately. They all wanted to take the lovely enchantress to dinner, but there were no restaurants large enough, so they leased the Hollywood Bowl and had Chasen's cater the event. They were fed a sumptuous repast that consisted of Chicken Croquettes, Mounds of Mashed Potatoes, Parsnips, Turnips, Summer Squash, Radishes, Toast Points and for dessert, Charlotte Russe and Jello. The papers were signed before the dinner was over, and Jane exited as soon as she could. Back in the part, she announced her success, and they all cheered her on. We have the next two pics already decided upon...I'D CLIM THE HIGHEST MOUNTAIN and THE NAKED HILLS. Jane began to see a theme, and she didn't like it a bit. If this continues, she exclaimed, I'll.....

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BLOW UP

 

...in popularity so maybe that won't be so bad after all since I have this competition with that upstart Marilyn who doesn't know yet that a remake entitled Gentleman Prefer Brunettes ---yes, that's the new title ---is in the offing and I'll trump once and for all that pesky blonde. Meantime that other Jane---or should I say Jayne---can do those other two pictures since those are more her speed. Miss Russell was determined to put brunettes on the map once for all and prove beyond a doubt that, contrary to general consensus, brunettes are the ones who have more fun. The screenwriters were all over themselves writing brilliant dialogue for brunettes and soon blonde actresses began to get nervous so they found the most ideal representative to bring their concerns to the writers, who was, of course, no other than...

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*MISS SADIE THOMPSON*

 

Who better to represent them than the lady what had a various times been a blonde, a brunette, a redhead, and for a short period of total debauchery, quite bald. They met at the Garden of Allah where Sadie kept a permanent bungalow for such events. They met, and met and then they met some more proving beyond a reasonable doubt that blondes DO have more fun. They decided to meet every month, and after a while they forgot about movies and brunettes completely. Sadie had corrupted all the blondes in Hollywood. One day they arrived only to be met at the door by the the Reverend Davidson. He admonished them to repent before it was too late. They ignored him, pushing him aside, only to find Sadie....

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ACROSS THE PACIFIC

 

?presumably in Australia after having run away with O?Hara who promised her a good hairdresser that would turn her back into a brunette because he did not want her to have so much fun anymore now that he was madly in love with her to which she said okay but only on condition that she could go to church once in awhile now that she was converted to Christianity and was wanting the good life. Meanwhile Davidson was in the doldrums having fallen in love with Sadie and so set sail for Australia much to the chagrin of his wife who was in love with the gardener who was horrified at this and stowawayed to Australia and told Sadie that Davidson wanted her to forget all about God and to think only of him to which her reaction was?

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*SUSAN AND GOD*...

 

and Sadie and everything else. Go tell Susan, she suggested, and while he was at, tell Davidson, too. All this confusion about who was in love with whom was getting Sadie dow. Who said anything about love in the first place, she wondered. She wanted to have fun, not sturm und drang. She left them to work it out among themselves, and hopped a tramp steamer bound for where flamingoes fly. All she took with her was her portable Victrola and an almost threadbare recording of AND THE RAIN CAME DOWN by the Andrews Sisters. When they reached port, she felt ready to resume her life of wanton abandon. As she strode down the gangway, her eyes met those of a man on the pier. It was none otnher than...

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ANOTHER DAWN

 

...of some new moonface to fall in love with her as this guy had Sturm an Drang written all over his face and Sadie said thanks but no thanks nearly dropping her Victrola as she hastened away in search of the red light district for surely a wanton abandon lifestyle would thrive in such a place. Meanwhile Davidson and company were busy working it out and realized to their chagrin that love was not the answer and that Sadie was just a tramp anyway so they said to hell with it and played pinochle til dawn. Sadie was tramping about and having a hell of a lot of fun when the police came and arrested her playing AND THE RAIN CAME DOWN a hundred times in a row driving the flamingos in a frenzy and of course we know how much racket they can make. But Sadie was defiant and so she...

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