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Movies are the answer


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*CORNERED*

 

the closest cop, and made him an offer he couldn't refuse. While the rest of them searched for her, she and the cop were snug in an abandoned loft near the pier. They spent the night together and by morning, they were deeply in love...or so it seemed. They made plans to shag that one-flamingo town and head for the bright lights and big city. Their first stop was the dock, where another tramp steamer was about to leave for Mexico..Acapulco, Mexico City, Los Cabos...what better place to continue their plans to reenter the USA. They were crammed into a small cabin, and in no time they were fighting non-stop. The crew grew tired of the din and decided to....

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ROPE

 

?the two of them and lower the boom, quite literally in fact, with them so attached onto the dock just prior to departure thinking that they were already a tramp steamer and did not need another in the form of the formidable Miss Hawkins and so relieved were they to be rid of this quarrelsome pair they watched with amusement the battle continue with Sadie getting away and swearing off men altogether but in the meantime walking into a bar and asking a gentleman who looked a lot like C. C. Baxter to buy her a drink and who obligingly said to the bartender, ?Give her another one of these mothers,? pointing to an unspecified drink in front of him. She thought he looked like a nice man so she asked him?

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*GOING HOLLYWOOD*

 

...? "Yes" he exclaimed," I'm gonna be the next sensation!...I can act, sing, and dance...and on top of that I own a dog who can walk a high wire" Impressed, she asked how he knew how he would make in a place where there was so much talent. It's a cinch, he answered. My uncle is head of Warner Brothers...he can do a lot for me. Even more impressed, Sadie pressed him for more information, thinking of course, of herself. Well, he went on, he told me that he would put me to work if I ever came west. Lets go see him right now, Sadie urged, so they were off to Culver City. At the gate, the cop turned them away. Forlorne, they wandered about outside, when suddenly Warner himself appreared. Nephiew, he called...you are here! Inviting them in, he called for drinks and they sat down to talk turkey. They both were given jobs with the admonishion that they would have to begin at the bottom. They had no idea just what that meant, until....

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THE UNSUSPECTED

 

...truth dawned on them, namely, that he would work as a pearl diver in the studio cafeteria and she would be his chief scullery maid. So ambitious were they that they didn't bat an eyelash since they knew that all this would end with their names on the marquis, at least at first...but after 10 years of soap suds and pots and pans they finally said to hell with this noise and decided to open their own theater. They called it the Baxter-Hawkins and soon patrons were flocking to see their incisive dramas and scintillating performances despite the fact they both had dishwater hands. They decided to get married but when the went to the chapel the pastor told them he couldn't marry them because...

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*THEY WERE SISTERS*

 

Separated at birth, Sadie and the cop were actually sisters. No one knew of his quick trip to Denmark and why he never returned...not as himself, that is. He had become Flo in the flick of a scalpel. Now it was revealed and heshe was releived. Now thay can accept me as I am or go to hell.Sadie was taken aback..thinking back to all those nights he claimed he had a headache. NOW she had her answers. They left the chapel and went to the ocean. There, alone but for some uninterested sea gulls, they pledged their troth and declared themselves married. Next step was to reinvigorate the theater. First they had to...

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FLESH

 

...out an audience because everyone had, in fact, taken Flo's advice and gone to hell. Left alone, Flo and Sadie decide to put on Waiting for Godiva and went through the motions of doing all this waiting and wondering all the while where they were going to get a peeping Tom since all the peepers were down in the hell so they put a notice in the papers for a peeper and finally someone came to audition who was absolutely perfect for the part but was turned down because his name was Ralph. Undeterred, Flo and Sadie decided to...

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*CRACK IN THE MIRROR*

 

With their dwindling resources, they turned to crack as a cheap substitute for the stuff on the morror. They were wrong, again. In no time they were hopelessly addicted, and living a life of despair and degredation. One day the landlord knocked on the door for their back rent and found them both quite dead. And so ends the sad tale of Sadie and Flo. The landlord was none other than Fred MacMurray who was quietly buying up all of Wilshire Boulevard, and with it the building in which the aforementioned dwelled. Fred decided to mention this to Phyllis Diedrichson, a casual friend, and she put a notion in his head. Why not....

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TALK OF THE TOWN

 

...some more because this real estate stuff really fascinated her and he thought she was a nice girl so he took her to a soda fountain and they gazed at each other while eating banana splits and sipping chocolate malts through colored straws, the kind that were perforated at the top so you could hold your head **** while you did all that gazing. They made the sweetest couple. Then Phyllis' eyes hardened and she said let's cut the crap I know you are in the insurance business and he feigned surprise as a piece of banana got stuck on his lip that made him look ridiculous, just the type I need, she thought, and then she said, "...

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*I MARRIED A WITCH*

 

...well actually, a warlock, you know...a male witch. He's so bad to me...every time I buy a new dress or hat or car or fur coat or jewelry or washing maching or waffle iron...you get the idea...well he throws a tantrum and makes me feel all stupid...so we have to get rid of him, and then we'll be rich and we can live the life of luxury in Mexico. Fred heard a goo thing when he saw one, so he agreed.

They had to figure out a way to dispose of the old guy with the least amount of attention. Why not throw him off a train, she suggested. He liked what he heard and in no time they were deep in....

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DOUBLE INDEMNITY

 

?and he congratulated her for her idea of a train accident since that would fall under the clause but then he was alarmed when she admitted that her daughter was beneficiary of his life insurance and that she was out in the cold which nearly caused him to spill his double chocolate marshmallow malted milk as they met at the soda fountain to discuss their nefarious plans which now included making a new policy for the male witch. They accomplished that with aplomb and the next day over raspberry eclairs and cherry cokes they devised the next step which entailed?

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*THE HOSPITAL*

 

for the next day they were overcome with sugar overload and had to be air-lifted to an emergency facility, where they were immediately put on a diet of lettuce and bread. This altered their plans, for they were to send the warlock off with a huge banquet, which of course, included everything a malt shop could concoct. Once more on their feet, they continued with their plan, with the exception of the feast. The day arrived, as days will, and they set their plan in motion. They would load into the car and drive to a secluded spot, near the train station. Then Phyllis would bean the old guy and set him on the track. Fred would have to,,,,

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SEIZE THE DAY

 

?and screw his courage to the sticking point which he would have done were it not for that damn fool husband of hers breaking his leg while attempting to bludgeon Phyllis with a poker having tripped over an empty box of Hydrox cookies she had thrown on the floor. The plan was postponed and Fred and Phyllis sat sullen over SUGAR FREE Double Chocolate Fudge Sundae Supremes (after a scrumptious dinner of lettuce and bread) and lamented cruel fate thwarting best laid plans. Fred turned down a promotion and waited and soon patience was rewarded as it was learned one night that the old guy was taking the train so Fred crammed some low-carb sugar-free cookies in his suit pocket and hid in the car awaiting the signal from Phyllis who was sucking malted milk balls on the sly and soon they arrived at the train station when...

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*THE EYES OF LAURA MARS*

 

spied them. Laura was undercover at the station, keeping her eye out for pickpockets. This was a big deal for her, however...on the lookout for possible murderers. She saw the three stumble into the station seconds before the train was scheduled to leave. They delayed the departure hoping to apprehend the couple, but unfortunately, they did nothing to cause alarm, and they were all at a stalemate. The announcement for departure was heard and slowly the unholy three made their way to the platform. Just then as they were about to board, Laura made her move. She...

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CAST A DARK SHADOW

 

?on the whole proceedings by warning Phyllis? husband that his life was in danger but he was so cranky he thought she was an idiot and Fred and Phyllis were in despair because they had missed their opportunity allowing her husband to exit the car and so they ended up just laughing it off and decided to board the train and all go on vacation together including Laura although she felt quite out of place in this story but that was okay. There was a guy in the cabin who asked when he supposed to go get the cigars but everybody said forget it as that will no longer be necessary. Then Phyllis? husband did something wholly unexpected, to wit, ?

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*HE STAYED FOR BREAKFAST*

 

French Toast, Bacon, Fruit and good Coffee. He was in his element, for what he loved more than berating Phyllis, was breakfast. They all agreed that it was the best meal of the day and decided to leaved the train at the next station and put their hair in braids and open a laundry. it didn't make sense, but it was in the script. (someone had mixed them up in the dining car, when they dropped three different scripts into some gravy). So according to script, the scouted a good location for their laundry. Then they conculted the script again, and found that they had to reenter the train and head for the smoking car to meet up with a guy named Guy. As they made their way to the rear of the train, they noticed some initials on the steamed window. They found Guy and in a moment...

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OF HUMAN BONDAGE

 

...being forced to take a steam bath in the smoking car by the script which by now had everyone concerned as there seemed to be several scripts mixed together no doubt due to some idiot in the dining care who mixed up all the gravies. So everyone sat around and smoked cigarettes until they sorted this out and then the guy name Guy got up and wondered out load what movie he was supposed to be in and then Laura Mars apologized for having wandered on the wrong set although she thought she smelled something fishy the minute she saw Fred and Phylis with apple fritters in their cheeks. Finally the director came on the scene appearing like a ghost out of the steam which was making it difficult for everyone to smoke their cigarettes and said, "Okay, here's what's what..."

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*HEAR ME GOOD*

 

From now on...we are filming one picture, get it? Only one! And the working title is: The Lady Vanishes from a Train containing Strangers, a Narrow Margin, and a limping man. That's it he screamed...anyone not in accordance can get off the train at the next stop. They mulled it over and decided that something was better than nothing (not always the best decision), and began shooting. First up was Laura playing the lady who vanishes. She threw a fit, maintaining that she was only thirty-nine and did not want to vanish in her first scene. The director saw red, and...

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BLUE

 

...as well having just taken a tab of LSD and then it was learned that everyone would do that and then ad lib their parts which made Laura Mars madder than ever so she got off at the next stop and ended up vanished anyway. Phylis' husband was the limping man having just broken his leg and they drew straws to see who would play the narrow margin although Fred and Phyliss were not good candidates having transformed themselves into a couple of fatties so they were assigned to be the strangers. They held auditions to have someone play the narrow margin and they came up with...

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*THE THIN MAN*

 

Problem wqas...this guy was so thin, depending on how he was positioned, he disappeared from view. Instantly it was decided he would play the lady who vanished and he was never seen again. The next narrow margin character chosen was Orson Welles, in a dramatic change of pace role. Because of his great talent, he carried it off with great aplomb. Once the film was wrapped, it was decided to cut it up and release it in separate sections, and that's how so many great films came from one dud. Once filming had ceased, they were all out of work again, so they headed for the unemployment office, where...

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BABES ON BROADWAY

 

?were doing numbers while waiting in long lines. Suddenly this little fella charges on the scene with vigorous enthusiasm and said, ?Hey, let?s put on a show!.? It was no other than Andy Hardy who broke into a song and dance that was really good but everybody said, ?Who?s gonna pay us?? and Andy said, ?We?ll do it for the love of show business? and they all laughed at him and turned away except one cute girl who identified herself as Judy and said we?ll do a show together and so they sang a duet and this really rich guy with a halo came up to them and thought they were really good and so?

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*MERTON OF THE MOVIES*

 

had surfaced again. He'd been out of sight for many years, and everyone thought he was dead and forgotten. But a few in line did recognise him, and started chanting "For he's a jolly good con man".

The younger ones asked what was up and they explained the painful story of Merton. It seemed he was always a con man...from birth. While still in hospital he bargained for better blankets and diapers, and soon afterwards he was conning his little friends out of their dearest posessions. He made it to Hollywood, and began the same thing, and after breaking many hearts, he was sent out of town on a rail. And here he was, again...and probably up to no good. They told of one time years ago when he....

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BEYOND A REASONABLE DOUBT

 

...was acquitted of the charge of Gross Harassment of every major Hollywood studio for his hapless desire to break into the movies which he actually did for awhile but was sued for fraud because he didn't know what he was doing. But the latest news out of Variety was that he had inherited a sum of money from an uncle who mistakenly put Merton in his will instead of his cat so now Merton thought he would be an angel and Andy and Judy regarded him with just suspicion but were desperate and accepted his offer, that is, until they discovered the dough he inherited was play money. Andy and Judy gave up and went back to MGM to do drugs and Merton was arrested for fraud having distributed play money to an undercover agent when he tried to buy some...

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*BLOW*

 

but it too, was fake (or virtual). Everything seemed to be of atrificial manufacture. What it was supposed to be, it wasn't...not even people. How discouraging it was as he snorted and snorted and just sneezed for all his effort. The simply was no justice he thought as he wandered the streets, looking for something real. The he had a revelation...was he real? No, he was a film character...not real atall. He waited for a good script to carry him forth and soon, it came in the form of a pre-war epic called When War Comes. He liked the title (which would soon change) and he agtreed to take on the role of the bird-loving soldier. As filming began....

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THE BIRDS

 

? began to fly in to see this so-called bird-loving soldier and to maybe get a fly on part in the movie. They began to gather---ominously it seems---and a nearby school. A woman was sitting on a bench and began to nervously glance about. She lit a cigarette that seemed to excite the birds. Soon the were birds everywhere, a great many of them on the monkey bars in a sand box. The film crew arrived and soon discovered they were on the wrong set. Merton approached the woman on the bench but was told to buzz off. Finally the director, a fat guy, came up to Merton and offered him another script to read, it was about?

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*THE CREATURE FROM THE BLACK LAGOON*

 

It was a new TV afternoon series...a cooking show. He figured the arresting title would gather a larger audience than say, Cooking with Mama...He was right. It was a hit right from the start. So much so that over-the-hill celebrities were lining up to be guests. It went swimmingly...Peggy Lee sang MANANA while making Tamales, Jane Powell danced while her bread dough rose and Diana Barrymore made a luscious fruitcake with LOTS of brandy. Then one episode featured Tallulah Bankhead and Sylvia Sydney and most of their dialog had to be bleaped. This was distressful for most of the international audience,,,except for China, where for some unfathomable reason, the bleaping translated into an ancient form of Cantonese, which had them all in stitches. It wasn't enough to save the show, however...the viewing audience being a fickle crew...so they were reduced to featuring animal ex-stars, but that came with it's own scoop of problems. Soon it was cancelled and Merton was once again wondering what to do, What about.....

 

Edited by: visualfeast on Dec 30, 2009 10:13 AM

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