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*BATMAN*

 

Few if any knew of their deep friendship, but in fact, they often helped each other out of perilous situations. There was even a new movie planned for them where this story is revealed, but that's another story...The tow of them got together with Mildred and set a plan in motion. They would lure the giants with lots of berry pie which would be infused with a deadly serum. This would in turn freeze them in place, perfectly preserved and ready to be turned into a new theme park. The plan came together and as soon as the giants were immobilized the theme park emerged, bringing in more money than anyone had imagined, Mildred and Batman began a torrid affair, Ida had more and more columns to add up, Pa and Ma were happy as clams and the little boy bgrew into a strapping young man. There was only one small problem....

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DON?T GO NEAR THE WATER

 

?, a piece of advice heeded too late as it was subsequently discovered that morsels of the serum-laden boysenberry had entered the water supply system via the garbage disposal and in time began to affect all concerned who were thus horrifically aware of their worsening fatigue of late?the fact is they were slowly freezing up, all except the boy who had drank nothing but Mountain Dew and Avian all the while and who now being averse to hanging around a bunch of statues caught a ride on Superman?s back and transported to the Daily Planet where he got a job as a copy boy and exercising the necessity of spurning the advances of Lois Lane who had the veritable hots for him and who had plans to?

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*TAKE THE MONEY AND RUN*

 

with the boy, who had begun using the name Jimmy. She had plans to rob the payroll for the week and abscond with Jimmy in tow. She neglected to mention this to Jimmy, however, and when she told him of her plan, he pushed her down a flight of stairs, and ran in the opposite direction. Stranded, and without a cent in his pockets, He returned home to find nothing but piles of ashen powder. It seemed the huge statues had no staying power, and within a few months, were all reduced to piles of powder. As he sat among the piles, he regretted his rash decision to leave his loved ones behind and strike out on his own. He was for the first time in his life, alone! But sure as rain...it rained and sent most of the ash down river, revealing once again the lovely dude ranch of his youth. He entered the kitchen and found Mildred there with flour on her cheek. Oh what joy!...or was it?...

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*Living In The Wilderness.*

 

Really Flour??? He ached to smell and tasted the white stuff on Mildred's cheeks, as he sensed something was definitely wrong with Mildred's eyes and gestures. Her eyes had a vacant stare and her gestures were robotic. Feeling like he had stepped into the middle of a Stephen King novel, he backed away and slowly made his way out the front door. He knew there was camping equipment, including a tent, sleeping bag and camp stove in the storage shed, which was still standing. He quietly reentered the kitchen, with slow creeping steps. Mildred was still operating in her automatic way and appeared to not even notice he had returned. He tiptoed to the pantry, found an old cloth shopping bag and loaded in with food to survive in the wilderness, as he knew that is where he had to go, at least for a while. He slung the shopping bag over his shoulder and backed quietly out of the pantry, that is when he heard the sound of:

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The Spy Who Loved Me

 

Jazz was his dream--playing trombone with Duke Ellington or Gene Krupa. He hitchhiked to New Orleans. He got an audition but was too nervous to play. He was so discouraged he threw his trombone in the trash, but retrieved it once he cleared his mind. He didn't know that this trash bin was magical. When he played the trombone again, he realized the trombone was able to.......

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PLAY IT AGAIN, SAM

 

...that is, play by itself and just like the great jazz greats too! All he had to do was hold the trombone in the natural position and think happy thoughts. If a sad thought entered his mind the trombone sputtered. Since he was prone to depression, he made sure...

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*IT HAPPENED IN BROOKLYN*

 

Brooklyn was a good place to make sure he paid attention to the position of his horn...else it would be gone in a flash. He continued playing his nhorn in the proper position, and soon became well enough know to secure a gig with Gene Krupa. He met Krupa's chanteuse, Anita O'Day an they became an item for a time. As time wore on, they began to realize that Krupa wasn't their protector, but a sleazy cheapskate, so they decided to make plans for a departure. O'Day's big hit LET ME OFF UPTOWN Made it possible and they took their cue from the title of the tune and....

 

Edited by: visualfeast on Jan 14, 2010 10:23 AM

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THE TALK OF THE TOWN

 

...was soon this strange duo, the singer and this unknown trombone player with their scintillating renditions of the standards, he with his happy demeanor and her with that clipped style of singing. They did gigs with Woody Herman and Stan Kenton and (even Art Tatum when they could get him to stop playing solo) until one day the trombone turned up missing and he was given another, uh oh, he thought...

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*YOUNG MAN WITH A HORN*

 

might become a thing of the past. But he was lucky, for the new horn was as enchanted as the first one. He and Anita worked small clubs for a while and then they were chosen for the leads in the remake of *CASABLANCA*. Odd casting,they thought...but why argue? Unfortunately, it fell through and the leads went to more recognizable faces...Troy Donahue and |Connie Stevens. True they were more familiar, but their limitations followed them onto the set and the film was a disasterous bomb. Meanwhile, Anita and Jimmy were riding the crest of the California Cool Jazz craze. They played clubs and latger venues, until something terrible happened...

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  • 2 weeks later...

DAYS OF WINE AND ROSES

 

?began to occur, yep, Anita began to hit the sauce and began to be a no-show at gigs and Jimmy began to do one-man shows and attained the rep of the enchanted horn soloist all the while trying to get Anita to AA who said no all I want is a few drinks and he said you don?t have a few drinks, you get drunk and she begged him to have a drink with her and...

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*HE RAN ALL THE WAY*

 

back to where he came from...leaving all the money, glamour and hedonism behind. He walked the streets of the little town from whence he came and gloried in the fact that he was back in the busom of his innocent and happy days. He greeted strangers, had a soda a the corner fountain and meandered to his street. The street of KIck-ball, Hide and Seek and Olly,Olly Oxen Free...still there as it was, frozen in time. He walked up to his house and climbed the stairs, knocked on the door and waited in keen anticipation. Soon the door opened and to his surprise...

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THE WOMAN NEXT DOOR

 

?was standing there, agape, and said no I don?t know you and Jimmy said, why, Mrs. Grundy, it?s me, Jimmy, don?t you remember the way I used to traipse your flower beds and call you an old goat when you wouldn?t give back the kick ball but the old woman scorned him and said you?re crazy you?ve never lived here...

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**I'VE LIVED BEFORE**

 

he pleaded, right here in this very house...and you lived next door, in that broken-down shambles of a house...don't you remember?...She didn't budge an inch, and in disgust, Jimmy walked away down the street...but only until he was just out of sight. Then he circled back, approaching the house from the rear. He looked into the kitchen window and to his surprise, he saw...

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THE WOMAN IN THE WINDOW

 

?who was not Mrs Grundy this time, but his own mother who was looking out at him through a nostalgic mist that gripped mind and body in a sort of paralysis of wondrous amazement. With a cautious joy he reached out to her and she approached him as if in a dream and?

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*DELIVERANCE*

 

She reached through the window and pulled him in to the kitchen, and without hesitation, began beating him about the head and upper body. What's going on, he wondered, as his dream of returning to his mother's loving arms evaporated. "Don't you remember how much trouble you were to me?" she announced." Those apples you stole and blamed on your sister...sending her into years of therapy, and finally suicide...that's all your fault...plus the cost of her funeral...which you owe me for and leaving home without a goodbye..." She went on and on. Time had certainly not softened her ways, he thought as he eased himself toward the door. His plan of finding solice in the past had fizzled. He left the house and the past, and proceeded into...

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THE SPIRAL ROAD

 

...of loss and disillusionment, vowing never to eat another apple and besides it was all his sister's fault, she stole the apples from Mrs Grundy's tree. Life was nothing but false hope and lingering disappointment, so why bother? He put off considering this weighty matter by attending a matinee at the Bijou that...

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promised *ROMANCE ON THE HIGH SEAS*

 

That's just what I need to put things right, he thought as he sat through it four times. The management had tro escort him out of the theater, and when he landed squarely on the pavement, he became even more convinced that the sea was the place for him. He took the first tramp steamer out of port, destination, anywhere. He slept well that night and when he arose in the morning, he went to breakfast with a renewed vigor. At his table was a surprise...a tramp! What did he expect?

She started a conversation with....

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BANANAS

 

?in her mouth which made him sick because he hated bananas but was relieved when she started the stewed tomatoes, which was more to his liking. She was spouting the usual nonsense so Jimmy decided to shut her up but then realized he didn?t have to because?

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*SHE COULDN'T SAY NO*

 

So when a swarthy seaman came by and offered her some pancakes, she bolted out the door with him. Good riddance, he thought as he wandered the deck, gazing out to sea. How nice he thought, if we could just continue sailing, never arriving anywhere...just floating. Just then he got a look at the name of the ship...the outward bound. Interesting name, he thought, as the dinner bell rang. Entering the saloon, he looked about to make sure the tramp was nowhere to be seen. He took a seat at a corner table and began to peruse the menu. On it were the words....

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fantastic voyage

 

?which was a weird dish but it came with lemon leaf sauce so he ordered it. He was soon joined by a young couple who were rather weird as well and he thought to engage them in some pleasant dinner conversation but it was the young couple who spoke first, in unison, bringing up the subject of?

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*THE SHANGHAI GESTURE*

 

It's similar to the Heimlich Maneuver, they explained, whereupon Jimmy began turning blue. A piece of gristle from the third rate Rebolito had lodged in his throat, cutting off his air supply. Without missing a beat, the lady arose and performed such a violent gesture that the gristle flew out of Jimmy's mouth, ricochetted off a wall and hit a woman across the room, knocking her out cold. The diners applauded the lady and soon sent bottles of rotgut champagne to their table, but no one seemed to care about the out-cold lady. A waiter finally went to her table. There she lay, her lovely red beaded gown crumpled beneath her. He turned her over and his eyes widened in disbelief. "Mein Got", he exclaimed, "ehr ist...."

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The Good German

 

?girl of Dusseldorf? quickly reverting to English lest a spy should chance upon the scene. He realized that she was dead. The police were summoned and arrested Jimmy for murder and the now-drunk-on-rotgut Shanghai (having now replaced Heimlich) Maneuver lady as an accomplice. Things looked grim for the pair until the intervention of?

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*THE GREAT WALTZ*

 

Oh, what a bore...just when things were looking like fun, they all had to stop and dance. And a waltz, of all things...how corny, they all agreed. But kept on dancing, nontheless. As soon as the waltz was over (an eternity), they resumed the murder investigation, only there was one flaw in the ointment, Jimmy was nowhere to be found. He'd disappeared in a flash during a most attractive hesitation during the dance. They all agreed there were few places to hide in a rusty bucket of a ship, so they split up and began scouring for clues. In the galley, Jimmy was busily burrowing into a huge pile of soiled table cloths. When the posse arrived in the galley, it was quiet as a tomb. They turned to leave, and then....

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Freaks

 

...as they were, they decided to play hide and seek with poor Jimmy being the it guy and Jimmy could hardly breathe and lost consciousness, stifled by a table cloth that still smelled of spaghetti sauce. The posse seized upon the accomplice---the Shanghai Maneuver girl---and negotiated a plea bargain. Tell us where he is and there's more rotgut champagne for you. She jumped at this and pointed to the tablecloth bin whereupon the posse pounced on same only to find...

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*THE NAKED AND THE DEAD*

 

Therfe she was, naked as a jaybird and quite dead...but who was she?...and more to the point, where was Jimmy? They put their heads together and soon came to the conclusion that she was just a Maguffin and proceeded to search out Jimmy. They looked high and low...and on the top shelf, they found a clue...a bit of dust and a feather. They agreed that this was indeed, a hugh clue so they proceeded to the aviary. Strange to have an aviary on a ship, but there was one, nontheless. While searching, one of them came up with another key clue...in the form of a....

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