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Here Comes Mr. Jordan

 

..maybe he can straighten out this mess. "Look here, Mr. Jordan. I was in the garden, minding my own business, when POW!.. When I came to I was dressed in this broccoli get-up. Now I ask you Mr. Jordan, would any cabbage in his or her right mind be seen in public looking like..

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The Incredible Hulk

 

... crossed with Carrot Top? And all because I fell into a swoon while fantasizing about a lady who was talking to a tomato! Tomatoes? Cucumbers? Broccoli? Cabbages? Carrots? And now an angel? Maybe this IS some sort of Veggie Tale. But that can't be real. None of this can be real! I must be asleep!" So Bob pinched himself and ...

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A Fish called Wanda

 

...began to whisper erotica into his ears and then he drew a sigh of relief because he was now jolly well certain that he was dreaming because everyone knew that fish couldn't talk and even if they could they wouldn't be saying that ... and he said to Wanda, "Wanda, where did you learn such filthy language? And what are you doing in a Veggie Tale?" But Wanda continued to purr sweet somethings in the most alluring manner until finally ...

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Bob Roberts

 

... closed his eyes and pinched himself again.  And the pinch appeared to work this time since Bob opened his eyes to the sight of the ceiling of his bedroom in his new house in Paradise. But he still heard strange noises coming from his garden. So (with apologizes to Clement Moore), Bob sprang from the bed to see what was the matter. Away to the window he flew like a flash, tore open the shutters and threw up the sash. And what to his wondering eyes should appear but a ...

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Twelve O'Clock High

 

..just behind his left ear.

 

Boy what a doozie, a pounder it was

Thumping and pumping, and twisting about

'Till three in the morning, the next day it persisted

He asked himself why, but no answer was near

As he stood at the window, and welled up a tear

 

No work today, no head for play

Back to bed he would go, no one would know

Two aspirin he took to relieve the great pain

As he swore to his God - no more, NO MORE!

As his thirst did arise, again and again

 

"Just let me get through the night", he begged

"Through this long, lonely night, 'till the morning when bright

"Sunshine will beam, through the window at me

"And I'll never again be the man I was then

"Never again

"You'll see

 

"You'll see ...

 

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Plane Daffy1

 

... is what Nathan Detroit shouted to his doctor cousin. "Miss Adelaide is plain daffy! She was supposed to spill the beans about Abbé Faria but instead went on a ramble about some bachelor in Paradise who started to hallucinate and ended up being poetical. What's it all about, Alfie?" At that, the doctor reached underneath his surgical gown and removed a ...

 

1A 1944 Looney Tunes cartoon in case anyone is wondering.

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Daddy Long Legs

 

...from it and regarding it distastefully put it out of existence under shoe with a fine squishy movement. "I hate those bastards," he muttered but his ruminations on same were rudely interrupted by a commotion in the adjoining room which upon opening revealed Bob Roberts, Miss Adelaide, Comrade X all ganging up on poor lAbbe Faria singing in the manner of a barbershop quartet (er, trio) a song recently composed by Bob Roberts (waxing poetical but in the form of song) accusing the l'Abbe of not revealing his big secret, to which the l'Abbe with this finest who-me look ...

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Swept Away

... his cowl so that all in attendance could get a good look at his ears. A look which stunned all but Miss Adelaide and Doctor Detroit since the former already knew Abbé Faria's secret and the latter was always quick to recognize an opportunity to milk anyone's health insurance. For Abbé had the ears of a ...

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Man Called Horse

 

And if you saw him, you would know how fitting that nickname was.  Nathan was getting tired of the whole experience.  He suggested to Miss Adelaide that they blow this joint, but she said that she would just as soon blow her nose.  Dr. Detroit intervened by telling Miss Adelaide that sneezing was not such a bad problem.  He told her to remember some of the great women in history and some of the problems that they had.  Eve couldn't get Adam to give her a second glance until she offered him an apple.  Delilah told Samson to get a shave and a haircut.  How did that work out?   And what about Venus de Milo?  She was a beautiful girl, but she had a terrible love life.  She just couldn't seem to hold on to any guy.  You might say she lacked both ..... 

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A Farewell to Arms

 

...and a farewell to men because she could never quite accept the loss in the first instance nor the deprivation in the second, while desperately holding fast to the notion that although she had a hard exterior she had a lot of admirers and felt superior to Miss Adelaide who seemed to do nothing but blow her nose and sneeze. Venus secretly admired her ability to do these things but would never admit it. But Miss Adelaide did not know this and continued with her lamentations to the doctor who tried a different tack to make her feel better by suggesting ...

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The Bitter Tea of General Yen

... as a cure for Miss Adelaide sneezing. But Dr. Detroit knew that suggestion was a lie. Because he knew that her problems were psychosomatic. But he needed time. Time without her kvetching to him. Time without his cousin Nathan. Without Bob Roberts. Without Comrade X. Without the unarmed Venus. Time without witnesses. Enough time to kidnap that schlemiel Abbé Faria and sell him and his equine ears to ...

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The Count of Monte Cristo

 

...which is the story that Abbe Faria belonged to anyway and besides the Count was loaded. Having accomplished this he was finally able to sport Miss Adelaide away and now sans Nathan sans Bob Roberts, sans Comrade X sans Venus, having her alone at last he could see right away that the truth serum he had slipped in the bitter tea would result in her telling all with the hope of getting to the bottom of her psychosomatic illness. And wow did it work or what!! From the moment she opened her mouth to speak ...

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The Mystery of Mr. X

 

... was related by her between sneezes: "This Abbé Faria is not the same Abbé Faria that Edmond Dantès befriended in the Château d'If (although Dantès is searching for him because he heard a rumor that his Faria had somehow cheated death hence the possibility of a reward). No, our Faria's real name is Lampwick. Due to his youthful delinquency, Lampwick had been turned into a donkey as a result of the curse of Paradise Island." At that point, Dr. Detroit thought to himself: "A donkey? I thought those were the ears of a horse. I guess it is a good thing that I didn't become a veterinarian!" Miss Adelaide continued her tale after another sneeze: "But, due to a circus accident a number of years later, a blow to Lampwick's head restored both his mental state and, with the exception of the ears, his physical state. Which lead to Lampwick becoming a ..."

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Character

 

... in A Midsummer Night's Dream, having had experience of being a donkey already, was now ready to be Bottom who turns into one and gets fallen in love with by a beautiful queen, a lot more fun than Lampwick ever had. But since Miss Adelaide loathed Shakespeare she popped out of her truth-serum yarn-spinning mode, looked at Dr Detroit and declared that she had had quite enough of this crap and was retiring for the night whereupon after another fine achoo began snoring so loud that...

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.. Boom Town

 

called her collect and told her to tone it down.

 

Big John and Square John were wildcatting out in the plains and couldn't hear the gushers coming in. Figurin' they might be goin' deaf from jammin' pipe and blowin' gushers, they shut down their well and took a good listen. First thing they noticed was the prairie grass - gently swayin'.. to and fro.. to and fro.. with a rumble that appeared to have woke up the whole danged town. What was that and where was it comin' from..?

 

They espied a weather vane atop a nearby shed - was pointin' towards ...

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The Man with the Golden Arm

 

...who had just shot up and confusedly looked around and felt the gentle lilt of the prairie grass, to and fro, to and fro and swayed a little to and fro himself pondering whether he was on some bad stuff or whether he had simply wandered into one of the most confusing story lines ever and whether he should teleport to a different story because let's face it he said to himself wildcatting is not my bag but while he was cogitating on these matters, the rumble announced itself again and ... 

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  • 2 weeks later...
A Bell for Adano

 

... fell from the sky and completely enveloped Iron Man (for what other man in this day and age had a golden arm). The sight of which, since the rumbling continued, caused the pair of Johns to hightail it outta there. For if a superhero could get clobbered in this environment, what hope was there for the likes of them? So, with an occasional glance towards the heavens in fear of a falling farm house (because some news travels far and wide), the two men made a dash for ...

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The Docks of New York

 

It was there they could fade into the hustle and bustle of the world's unnamed - perhaps to catch a cargo ship bound for who knows where, to return who know's when.

 

It was past 2:00 AM when they signed on to the Noire Maru, bound for the West Indies. The last of the cargo was being stowed as they cast off under a new moon - darkness was their ally as they slipped into..

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The Cruel Sea
 

... and why was the sea cruel? Because, although the sea offered the Johns an escape from the mysterious cause of the rumble on land, the sea contained its own mysteries. And its own rumbles. And one of those mysteries was currently causing the water to churn unnaturally off of the Noire Maru's starboard side. But this agitation was unseen by the crew because it was occurring in the wee small hours of the morning while the whole wide world was fast asleep. And, then, silently, out of the water rose ...
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The Cruel Sea

 

... and why was the sea cruel? Because, although the sea offered the Johns an escape from the mysterious cause of the rumble on land, the sea contained its own mysteries. And its own rumbles. And one of those mysteries was currently causing the water to churn unnaturally off of the Noire Maru's starboard side. But this agitation was unseen by the crew because it was occurring in the wee small hours of the morning while the whole wide world was fast asleep. And, then, silently, out of the water rose ...

 

 

The Creature from the Black Lagoon

 

...which was quite a shock, especially for the creature having suddenly found itself within the cruel sea after spending it's life in a paltry lagoon. The two men saw they were in for a fight and lamented the fact that they had both left their swords of Valerian steel in the garage and immediately after yearned for the simple pleasures of wildcatting, sea creatures not being their forte. There was a tense moment but then the men were flabbergasted when the creature opened it's mouth (terrible teeth) and intoned the words...

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What Do You Say To A Naked Lady?

 

... When people used to drop into my lagoon, they wore bathing suits. Kay Lawrence wore a bathing suit. Helen Dobson wore a bathing suit. Marcia Barton wore a bathing suit. But nowadays, everyone is skinny dipping. And it all started with that Chrissie chick. It's no wonder that great white shark just ate her posthaste! But it makes me very uncomfortable! Do you guys have any suggestions as to what I should do?" Which caused the Johns to stare at the creature, turn and stare at each other, then turn back to stare some more at the creature. And then Big John made the mistake of giggling. Because that led to ...

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  • 5 months later...

 

What Do You Say To A Naked Lady?
 
... When people used to drop into my lagoon, they wore bathing suits. Kay Lawrence wore a bathing suit. Helen Dobson wore a bathing suit. Marcia Barton wore a bathing suit. But nowadays, everyone is skinny dipping. And it all started with that Chrissie chick. It's no wonder that great white shark just ate her posthaste! But it makes me very uncomfortable! Do you guys have any suggestions as to what I should do?" Which caused the Johns to stare at the creature, turn and stare at each other, then turn back to stare some more at the creature. And then Big John made the mistake of giggling. Because that led to ...

 

 

He who gets slapped...

 

...because a melee ensued to great pandemonium the end of which the two erstwhile wildcatters slipped away unnoticed yearning once again for those days of yore even when the wildcats had the upper paw and almost had them for dinner to boot (er, to hind paw). They now resolved to switch from wildcats to great white sharks in the hope of recovering poor Chrissie for skinny dipping sounded like great fun though it was not lost on them that a great white was a formidable tackle. Unfazed they hired a schooner and off they went. They asked a passing mermaid did she see a great white recently in the vicinity to which while wiggling lasciviously some lower gills said in a sweet gurgley voice, to wit:

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"Bring Me the Head of Alfredo Garcia

 

...and then I'll tell you if there are any sharks in the area."  A sinister gleam flashed in the mermaid's eyes.  This was her chance to punish the man who had captured and killed several of her friends.   

 

The two Johns gasped at her horrifying request.  They would never do such a thing to anyone, especially not Alfredo Garcia.   Alfredo had been a friend of theirs since childhood.  He also owed them money. 

 

"We can't bring you Alfredo's head," said Big John, "but will you accept something else?"

 

"Perhaps," replied the mermaid.

 

"How about a head of .....cabbage?" asked Big John.

 

The mermaid gave them a confused look.  What in the world is a cabbage? she wondered.  After a few moments of reflection, she remembered that she once heard some humans say that they wished that they had a lot of "cabbage".  She concluded that it must be something very valuable.

 

"Very well, I'll accept the head of cabbage," said the mermaid. 

 

Since the owner of the schooner loved to eat raw vegetables, there happened to be a big basket full of all kinds of vegetables on board.  The two Johns were able to give the mermaid the head of cabbage right then and there.

 

"Now, tell us if there are any great white sharks around here," demanded Square John.

 

"There aren't any sharks around here," replied the mermaid, "but you can find them..........

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In a lonely place

 

...which the two Johns knew through reading up on the area was code for the famed Fingal's Cave. They jettisoned the rest of their vegetables (including the basket) so as to render themselves with utmost speed to the famed venue that Mendelssohn immortalized with his celebrated overture, and which the two would-be Don Quixotes hummed to themselves to get in the mood for the adventures that were sure to come and exceedingly grateful that there were no windmills in the area to distract them from all the heroism ahead. Sure enough a great white was espied and one of Johns yelled out, "Chrissie, are you in there?" Then ...

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  • 1 month later...

The Incredible Mr. Limpit

... swam up in a rush shouting "You don't want to go in there! It's d-d-d dangerous! And, besides, Chrissie isn't down there! You've been misled by that gill guy because, well, he's a nut! In reality, Chrissie was swallowed by a whale and not by a great white shark! And not just any whale but one that already had a taste for humans because it had previously swallowed an old Italian toymaker. And, according to my friend Wanda, when that toymaker saw Chrissie arrive in all her glory, he ...

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