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The Borowitz Report

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El Chapo Outraged That His Trial Included Witnesses

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January 30, 2020
 

Joaqun El Chapo Guzmn. Photograph by Susana Gonzalez / Bloomberg / Getty

 

FLORENCE, Colorado (The Borowitz Report)—The convicted drug lord known as El Chapo said on Thursday that he was “outraged” his 2019 trial had included witnesses. He also revealed that he was demanding a new trial without them.

Speaking from ADX Florence, a maximum-security facility in Colorado, the former drug kingpin complained that his trial would have resulted in a speedy acquittal had it not been for the irritating presence of witnesses.

“If I had to point to one reason why I was convicted of all of those crimes, it would have to be witnesses,” he said. “Once the decision was made to include witnesses, things really went downhill for me.”

El Chapo said that, at the time of his trial, he had been totally unaware that it was possible to have a trial without any witnesses at all.

“I didn’t know that was a thing,” he said. “If someone had told me that you could have a witness-free trial, that’s the route I would have gone, for sure.”

The former criminal mastermind said that he was now actively seeking a new trial without witnesses because, in his opinion, “witnesses ruin everything.”

“For the good of the country, it’s time to move on,” he said.

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I have come across the archives of The Borowitz Report from the New Yorker.  As they are now dated satirical pieces I thought I might post them in their own thread.

Susan Collins Takes Hours to Decide on Lunch Before Ordering Exactly What Mitch McConnell Is Having

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January 21, 2020
 

Susan Collins. Photograph by Melina Mara / The Washington Post / Getty

 

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—On the first day of the impeachment trial in the United States Senate, Senator Susan Collins, a Republican of Maine, spent hours trying to decide what she would have for lunch before ultimately ordering exactly what Senator Mitch McConnell was having.

Clutching the Senate takeout menu in her hands, Collins told reporters mid-morning that the decision of what to have for lunch was a matter of serious consideration and that she wanted to review all of the available options before selecting one.

“I’m deeply troubled and concerned about getting this order right,” Collins said. “There are many valid choices on this menu and I don’t want to give any of them short shrift.”

Around 11 a.m., rumors swirled that Collins was leaning toward ordering a quinoa salad, a choice that would have set her apart from the rest of her Republican colleagues in the upper chamber.

By noon, however, Collins emerged from her office to tell reporters that she had ordered the exact same thing that the Senate Majority Leader had chosen, a roast beef sandwich on a roll.

“At the end of the day, there was just not enough evidence that ordering anything else would have been better,” she said.

According to sources, Collins spent the lunch hour eating her sandwich alone at her desk and trying to determine why everyone hates her.

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This one is from today ....

Dr. Oz Fears That Coronavirus Comments Could Hurt His Credibility as Expert on Magic Beans

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April 17, 2020
 

Dr. Oz Photograph by Roy Rochlin / Getty

 

NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report)—Dr. Oz is deeply concerned that his controversial comments about the coronavirus could damage his hard-earned credibility as an expert on magic beans, Dr. Oz confirmed on Friday.

“I’ve worked long and hard to establish myself as the world’s leading authority on the magical weight-loss powers of green-coffee-bean extract,” Oz said. “It’s horrifying to think that my stature in the field of magic-beanology could vanish overnight, like unwanted pounds.”

Oz pleaded with viewers not to judge him based on a few unfortunate comments but, rather, to consider his entire body of medical work, including his pioneering research into the fat-burning superpowers of raspberry ketones.

“A few ill-considered remarks don’t change the fact that I’m the same Dr. Oz who recommended curing restless-leg syndrome by placing a bar of lavender soap under your sheets,” he said. “And should one slip of the tongue erase all the times I’ve promoted astrology, faith healing, and psychic communication with the dead? I should hope not.”

But even as he defended his unimpeachable scientific record, Oz acknowledged that the coronavirus controversy has left him badly shaken. “In my darkest moments, I wonder if people will ever believe me again when I tell them that umckaloabo-root extract cures the common cold,” he said.

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Judge Sentences Roger Stone to House Arrest in Susan Collins’s Home

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February 12, 2020
 

Roger Stone Photograph by Mark Peterson / Redux

 
 

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In a decision that Donald Trumpcalled “incredibly unfair,” Judge Amy Berman Jackson has sentenced Roger Stone to ten years of house arrest in the home of Senator Susan Collins, of Maine.

As part of the sentence, Senator Collins will be required to live under the same roof as Stone, in Bangor, and insure that he is properly fed, clothed, and exercised until 2030.

The sentence immediately drew howls of protest from Stone, who claimed that living with the ceaselessly waffling Collins would “send me over the edge.”

“Judge, can we revisit the whole prison idea?” Stone begged Jackson.

For her part, Collins said that she was unsure whether becoming Stone’s jailer was a good idea, adding that she would “need more time to think about it.”

Jackson said that Stone’s house arrest will not go into effect until after the 2020 election, at which point Collins is expected to be home on a permanent basis.

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Perhaps it would help to add SATIRE to the thread title?

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10 minutes ago, TheCid said:

Perhaps it would help to add SATIRE to the thread title?

It says it on every post.  I take it that you don't have a problem recognizing these as jokes, do you?  

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Trump Stays Up All Night with Sharpie Crossing Out Lev Parnas in Photos with Him

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January 16, 2020
 

Associate of Rudy Giuliani Lev Parnas walks into the Southern District of New York Courthouse. Photograph by Scott Heins / Getty

 

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Donald J. Trump pulled an all-nighter on Wednesday, using a Sharpie to cross out Lev Parnas from photos taken with him at hundreds of events.

Trump, his hands blackened by ink, started working his way through a mountainous stack of photos of him and Parnas at approximately 10 p.m., a White House source confirmed.

After more than an hour of obliterating Parnas, Trump reportedly barked at his son-in-law, Jared Kushner, to fetch Vice-President Mike Pence and Attorney General William Barr to assist with the Parnas deletions.

“Get Pence and Barr in here!” Trump reportedly thundered. “If I’m going down, they’re going down!”

According to the White House source, Pence and Barr appeared within minutes but were not joined by Representative Devin Nunes, who had barricaded himself inside his congressional office with a Sharpie and his phone logs.

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17 minutes ago, Bogie56 said:

It says it on every post.  I take it that you don't have a problem recognizing these as jokes, do you?  

As a matter of fact I did until I realized they were satire.  Even now I have to scroll to the top to note the small red satire note.  The SATIRE should be in bold and red at the beginning of the narrative.  As noted below.

Not everyone who accesses this site knows what The Borowitz Report is.  Some may not see the satire label you add.

This may sound picky, but these are difficult times and we do not need to mislead or confuse people anymore than we already have.

(SATIRE) WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Donald J. Trump pulled an all-nighter on Wednesday, using a Sharpie to cross out Lev Parnas from photos taken with him at hundreds of events.

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Democrats Demand That Giuliani Be Trump’s Lawyer at Impeachment Trial

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January 14, 2020
 

Rudi Giuliani. Photograph by Jeff Neira / Getty

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Rudolph Giuliani’s offer to act as Donald J. Trump’s defense attorney at the President’s impeachment trial has received unanimous support from congressional Democrats, who are now demanding that he perform such a role.

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi and Senate Minority Leader Charles Schumer told reporters on Tuesday that Giuliani’s participation as Trump’s lawyer during his Senate trial was, as far as they were concerned, “nonnegotiable.”

“Rudy Giuliani has demonstrated over the past three years that he can represent the President as no one else can,” Pelosi said. “If he is not the President’s lawyer in the Senate, that would be a deal-breaker for me.”

Concurring with Pelosi, Schumer added, “My Democratic colleagues in the Senate are prepared to pay Mr. Giuliani’s hourly fees, in cash, to make this thing happen.”

Pelosi indicated that Democrats were now willing to back off their earlier demands for witnesses at the trial. “No witnesses,” she said. “Just Giuliani.”

Appearing on Fox News, Giuliani said that he was “a little surprised” by the Democrats’ enthusiastic support, adding, “Nancy Pelosi even offered to drive me to work every morning, which I thought was really nice.”

Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell did not answer reporters’ questions about a possible role for Giuliani in the impeachment trial, nor would he confirm reports that he had given the Senate’s security desk a photo of Giuliani with instructions to bar his entry.

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Trump Named Person of the Year by Popular Sociopath Magazine

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December 12, 2019
 

President Donald Trump Photograph by Brendan Smialowski / AFP / Getty

 
 

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—For the third year in a row, Donald J. Trump has been named Person of the Year by the magazine Popular Sociopath, the publication announced on Thursday.

“Once a year, we at Popular Sociopath recognize the person who best epitomizes sociopathic-personality disorder, which manifests in antisocial behavior and a total absence of conscience and concern for others,” Harland Dorrinson, the magazine’s editor, said. “We are delighted to bestow this honor, once again, on Donald J. Trump.”

Dorrinson said that Trump bested a daunting roster of competitors for the title, including the Senate Majority Leader, Mitch McConnell; the Fox News host Tucker Carlson; and Trump’s own son Donald J. Trump, Jr.

“Honestly, though, it wasn’t close,” the editor said.

When asked if he had reached out to his son since surpassing him for the magazine’s honor, Trump told reporters, “Why would I do that? I don’t care what he thinks or feels. This is all about me. What a stupid question. You’re worthless.”

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Giuliani Kidnapped by Ukrainian Circus

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December 10, 2019
 

Former New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani. Photograph by Drew Angerer / Getty

 

KYIV (The Borowitz Report)—While on a mission to Ukraine to acquire information about the business dealings of Hunter Biden, Rudy Giuliani was kidnapped by a travelling Ukrainian circus, Giuliani confirmed on Tuesday.

“It was the strangest thing,” he told reporters. “I was on a street corner talking to some people about the Bidens, and these guys came up to me and said, ‘Come with us.’ I thought they were taking me to a cable-news studio.”

Where they were taking him, it turned out, was the Krychevsky Wonder Show, a popular family-owned circus that has been travelling around Ukraine since 1873.

“We saw this guy acting entirely bizarre, and we decided we had to have him in our circus,” Oleh Krychevsky, its current proprietor, said. “It’s hard to find a sideshow attraction with that much potential.”

For two days, Giuliani filled a giant tent at Krychevsky’s, regaling audiences with tales of CrowdStrike, Burisma, and a person named Alexandra Chalupa. But soon his relationship with the circus soured.

“Even after the crowds went home, and we were all ready for bed, he wouldn’t stop talking,” Krychevsky, who ultimately fired Giuliani from the circus, said. “He is exhausting.”

Only after Giuliani’s tenure with the circus was over did Krychevsky learn the man’s true identity. “I was told he was the former mayor of New York,” he said. “I still find that impossible to believe.”

 

 

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Giuliani Claims He Has Evidence Linking Biden to Obama

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November 25, 2019
 

Barack Obama and Joe Biden. Photograph by Mark Wilson / Getty

 

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In what could be his most explosive allegation to date, Rudolph Giuliani claimed on Monday that he had “mountains of evidence” linking the Democratic Presidential candidate Joe Biden to former President Barack Obama.

Appearing on “Fox & Friends,” a visibly excited Giuliani said that he had stored the evidence of the Biden-Obama ties in his office safe and was prepared to reveal it “at the proper time.”

“This isn’t a case of the two men sharing an occasional phone call or meeting,” Giuliani charged. “For eight years, they were basically joined at the hip.”

Giuliani argued that Obama and Biden had a “secret understanding” that, if anything happened to Obama, “You know who would take his place? That’s right: Joe Biden.”

Their corrupt deal enabled Biden to “feast at the teat” of the federal government, the former New York mayor said. “Biden took military aircraft around the world and got free housing in Washington, all with the seal of approval of his best pal, Barack Obama,” he said.

In his most serious allegation, Giuliani said that all of these “lush perks” amounted to a “payoff” for nefarious services that Biden had rendered to Obama.

“In both 2008 and 2012, Joe Biden meddled in the U.S. elections to benefit none other than—you guessed it—Barack Obama,” Giuliani said. “Talk about a quid pro quo.”

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Devin Nunes Accuses Witnesses of Misleading American People with Facts

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November 22, 2019
 

Devin Nunes holds up documents. Photograph by Al Drago / Bloomberg / Getty

 

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In what some observers called his most sarcastic opening statement of the impeachment inquiry, Representative Devin Nunes, on Thursday, accused witnesses of trying to mislead the American people with facts.

“From the beginning of these proceedings, the Democrats’ witnesses have offered facts, more facts, and nothing but facts,” Nunes said. “I, for one, have had enough of their factual games.”

Ramping up his attack, he accused the civil servants who have testified of having “an almost cult-like worship of verifiable information.”

“ ‘Step right up,’ these witnesses seem to be saying,” Nunes added. “ ‘The fact circus is in town.’ ”

Nunes, however, warned his Democratic colleagues that “the American people won’t be fooled by your relentless account of things that actually happened.”

“When the American people see the Democrats building this massive, sky-high tower of facts, they have to ask themselves: Is that all you’ve got?” he said.

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Unskilled Man Fears He Will Lose Job in Recession

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August 20, 2019
 

President Donald Trump. Photograph by Chip Somodevilla / Getty

 
 

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—A man with no identifiable skills is deeply worried that a recession could cause him to lose his job, people close to the man have confirmed.

The man, who has barely clung to his job for the past two and a half years, is justified in believing that an economic downturn would result in his unemployment, experts said.

“When the economy is good, it’s possible for someone like him to hold down a job for which he is woefully unqualified,” Harland Dorrinson, a human-resources specialist, said. “But when the economy goes south, look out.”

Dorrinson said that the unskilled man’s résumé, which lists six bankruptcies and multiple business failures, could come under scrutiny in the event of a recession.

“His employers might find themselves asking, ‘How did he get this job in the first place?’ ” Dorrinson said.

Additionally, the man’s near-total lack of education—evidenced by his inability to spell common one-syllable words or to identify the century in which the airplane was invented—could make him vulnerable to termination, the human-resources expert said.

“On the plus side, he enjoys watching television for eight hours a day,” Dorrinson said. “During a recession, he’ll be able to do even more of that.”

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Trump’s Fourth of July Parade to Include Flyover by Russian Air Force

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July 3, 2019
 

Donald Trump Photograph by Brendan Smialowski / AFP / Getty

 

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Calling it “incredibly exciting news,” President Donald Trump revealed on Wednesday that his long-planned Fourth of July parade in Washington will include a flyover by Russian Su-24 fighter planes.

“These are beautiful, gleaming Russian planes,” Trump boasted to Tucker Carlson, of Fox News. “I’m the first American President who’s had Russian fighters flying over Washington.”

He said that he finalized the flyover deal while speaking to the Russian President, Vladimir Putin, at the G-20 Summit last week. “Putin said, ‘This is the least we can do, after all you’ve done for us,’ ” Trump said.

Trump said he imagined that the crews of the Russian military aircraft will be thrilled to fly over the nation’s capital. “I’m sure they’ll be taking a lot of pictures,” he said.

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Germany Demands Apology After Trump Claims Father Was Born There

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April 3, 2019
 

Angela Merkel glares at Donald Trump. Photograph by Manuel Balce Ceneta / AP

 

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—German Chancellor Angela Merkel demanded that Donald Trump issue a “complete and sincere apology” to the German people, after Trump claimed incorrectly, on Tuesday, that his father was born in Germany.

“Of the many insulting things that Donald Trump could say to the German people, alleging that his father was born here is by far the most hurtful,” she said. “He must take it back at once.”

Merkel said that Germany would consider breaking off diplomatic relations with the U.S. immediately if Trump did not acknowledge “that his father was born somewhere else.”

Despite widely available evidence that Trump’s father, Fred Trump, was born in the Bronx, the White House press secretary, Sarah Huckabee Sanders, stuck by Trump’s story on Tuesday afternoon. “The President is proud that his father was born in a great foreign country like Germany, and not in a bad foreign country like Puerto Rico,” she said.

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Trump’s Budget Contains Twenty Million Dollars for Bail

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March 11, 2019
 

Donald Trump Photograph by Chris Kleponis / Getty

 

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Donald J. Trump’s $4.7-trillion budget raised eyebrows on Monday when government-watchdog groups discovered that it contained twenty million dollars for bail.

The line item for a “bail fund” was buried in the fine print of the published budget, along with a footnote specifying that the money could be used only to bail out Trump and members of his immediate family.

The footnote listed the members of his family who would be eligible to use the funds, including his daughter Ivanka and his sons Donald, Jr., and Eric, but not his son-in-law, Jared Kushner.

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi joined a chorus of congressional Democrats who cried foul at the notion of American taxpayers posting bail for Trump and his family.

“At the end of the day, this is going to cost way more than twenty mil,” she said.

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Obama Demands to See Trump’s Elementary-School Diploma

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March 6, 2019
 

Barack Obama speaks at a podium. Photograph by Mark Makela / Getty

 

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Former President Barack Obama ignited a firestorm of controversy on Wednesday by demanding to see President Donald Trump’s elementary-school diploma.

Speaking to reporters in Washington, Obama called on Trump to prove “once and for all” that he had completed a K-through-five program.

“While the U.S. Constitution does not require the President to have graduated from fifth grade, it would still be nice to know that he had done so,” Obama said.

By insisting on the release of Trump’s diploma, Obama joined a growing movement of so-called schoolers, who contend that Trump never attended school.

Schoolers’ demands to see documentation of Trump’s elementary-school attendance have yet to sway the White House, which has released only a short version of Trump’s second-grade report card, with the grades completely redacted.

Obama revealed that he had hired forensic detectives to study Trump’s utterances and tweets to determine the extent of his verifiable schooling, but, so far, they had found “no proof” of a fifth-grade education.

“Donald Trump claims that he attended elementary school,” Obama said. “All I’m asking is, where’s the evidence?”

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Here is one from today ....

Nation’s Parents Fear That If Kids Miss Enough School They Will Turn Out Like Betsy DeVos

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April 20, 2020
 

Betsy DeVos. Photograph by Chip Somodevilla / Getty

 

UNITED STATES OF AMERICA (The Borowitz Report)—With many of the nation’s schools closed through the end of the school year, millions of American parents worry that if their children miss enough school they will turn out like Betsy DeVos.

As news broke last week that the DeVos family has provided funding to one of the organizations behind recent anti-social-distancing protests, parents panicked at the prospect of their school-deprived children becoming as ignorant as the nation’s Education Secretary.

“Without school, our kids could have frightening gaps in their understanding of math, science, and history,” Carol Foyler, a parent in Akron, Ohio, said. “We could be raising a generation of Betsy DeVoses.”

Terrified by such a dire outcome, Foyler hired a remote tutor for her son Ryan, a first grader, but her anxiety persists.

“Yesterday, I kind of lost it with Ryan,” she said. “I told him, ‘You don’t want to grow up to be like Betsy DeVos.’ I immediately felt horrible. I’ve never spoken to my child like that.”

Speaking to reporters at the Department of Education, Secretary DeVos tried to reassure parents about the school closures. “Many schools have been closed for one month,” she said. “Even if they remain closed for two more months, that’s only a total of four months.”

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Trump Comes Out Strongly Against Intelligence

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January 30, 2019
 

Donald trump Photograph by Jabin Botsford / The Washington Post / Getty

 

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Using some of his harshest rhetoric in recent memory, President Donald J. Trump came out strongly against intelligence on Wednesday morning.

“I’ve listened to these people with so-called intelligence go on and on, and, quite frankly, it’s a waste of time,” he said. “I know a lot more than people with intelligence do.”

Trump added that he has stopped receiving intelligence briefings at the White House, arguing, “I can do my job without any intelligence whatsoever.”

He said that he has chosen, instead, to seek advice from his son-in-law, Jared Kushner, and from his elder children, Ivanka, Eric, and Donald, Jr. “You won’t find a trace of intelligence in anything they say,” he boasted.

At a briefing for the White House press corps, the President’s press secretary, Sarah Huckabee Sanders, denied that Trump’s war on intelligence was a new development. “Intelligence has never played a role in Donald Trump’s life,” she said.

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Kavanaugh Offers to Pay for Wall by Recycling His Empties

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January 10, 2019
 

Brett Kavanaugh. Photograph by Andrew Harrer / Bloomberg / Getty

 

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In a bid to end the government shutdown, Supreme Court Justice Brett Kavanaugh said on Thursday that he would recycle his empties to pay for a wall with Mexico.

Speaking to reporters from his office at the Court, Kavanaugh said that the inspiration came to him while he was building a beer-can pyramid in his basement rec room on Wednesday night.

“I was in my man cave, building this rad beer pyramid, and I was, like, I bet if I recycled all the beer cans down here plus the ones out in the garage, I’d have enough to pay for that freaking wall,” the Supreme Court Justice said.

He added that he started calling a number of his friends from Georgetown Prep to see if they would contribute their empties to the effort, and found that they were “totally stoked” about the idea.

“P.J., Tobin, and Squee are all in,” he said. “This wall is gonna freaking rule.”

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Kavanaugh Disappointed to Discover Supreme Court Has No Happy Hour

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October 9, 2018
 

Brett Kavanaugh Photograph by Chip Somodevilla / Getty

 

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In a setback for the newest Associate Justice on his first day at work, Brett Kavanaugh said on Tuesday that he was “very disappointed” to learn that the Supreme Court does not have a happy hour.

Kavanaugh told reporters that he made the horrifying discovery as the clock ticked down to 5 p.m. and “everyone was still in their offices working and stuff.”

“I mean, I couldn’t believe it,” Kavanaugh said. “I had been busting my tail for six hours, and I needed to blow off some steam.”

Ruth Bader Ginsburg was the member of the Court who delivered the bad news to Kavanaugh. “When she told me, I guess I started crying a bit, which I now regret,” he said. “She just kind of closed her office door and went back to work or whatever.”

Kavanaugh’s unpleasant discovery that the Supreme Court has “absolutely no drink specials” has left him wondering if his bruising confirmation battle “was even worth it.”

“This place blows,” he said.

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Nation’s Criminals Ask for F.B.I. Investigation Kavanaugh Just Got

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October 5, 2018
 

Brett Kavanaugh smiles. Photograph by Chip Somodevilla / Getty

 

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In the latest controversy to envelop the Supreme Court nominee, criminals across the United States are demanding that their cases receive the kind of F.B.I. investigation that Brett Kavanaugh just got.

From coast to coast, perpetrators of crimes ranging from arson to bank robbery are arguing that, if the F.B.I. investigates them at all, such investigations should be extremely limited in scope.

Harland Dorrinson, a criminal lawyer in Cleveland, said that his clients have followed the Kavanaugh probe “with great interest” and see it as “tailor-made” for the crimes for which they stand accused.

“My clients are asking that the F.B.I. investigate them for no more than five days and only talk to the witnesses I designate,” Dorrinson said. “We think this could be a huge time saver for everybody.”

One of his clients, Denton Faldo, currently faces twenty criminal counts of cooking and selling meth, but wants the F.B.I. to investigate only an unrelated speeding violation.

“It’s important that the F.B.I. wrap up this investigation by Friday and release me from jail in time for the weekend,” Faldo said. “A man’s life is in tatters.”

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Trump Says It’s a Very Scary Time for Men, Because Women Can Vote Them Out of Office

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October 3, 2018
 

Donald Trump speaks to reporters. Photograph by Mark Wilson / Getty

 

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Saying that “it’s terrible what’s going on right now,” Donald J. Trump told reporters on Wednesday that “it’s a very scary time for men, because women can vote them out of office.”

“It’s very scary right now to be a man,” Trump said. “You can do or say something that women don’t like, and suddenly millions of women will come out of the woodwork and vote against you. I think it’s a disgrace.”

“It’s getting to the point where men are not going to be able to ridicule women at their campaign rallies without being terribly afraid that women are going to vote against them,” he said. “It’s a very scary time.”

Trump said that, if women are allowed to get away with voting men out of office, “No one will be safe.”

“I’ll tell you what’s going to happen,” Trump warned. “If it’s up to women to decide who’s in power and who’s not, men like me aren’t even going to run.”

Later in the day, Donald Trump, Jr., echoed his father’s words. “Last night, when I put my sons to bed, I had to tell them to be nice to girls,” he said. “It broke my heart.”

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Putin Furious at Saudis for Using His Puppet Without Permission

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October 17, 2018
 

Mohammed bin Salman and Donald Trump Photograph by Mandel Ngan / AFP / Getty

 

MOSCOW (The Borowitz Report)—The Russian President, Vladimir Putin, is “absolutely furious” at the Saudi royal family for using his puppet without first obtaining his permission, an aide to Putin confirmed on Wednesday.

According to the aide, who spoke on condition of anonymity, the Russian President has been “seething with anger” in recent days as he has observed the Saudis using his favorite puppet as if it were their own.

“At one point, Putin was watching the news and saw his puppet behaving in the kind of scraping, subservient manner toward the Saudis that he had previously reserved for him,” the aide said. “He pulled the TV out of the wall and hurled it across the room.”

According to diplomatic sources, the Saudis have reached out to Russia in the hopes of striking some sort of puppet-sharing agreement, but the enraged Russian President has refused to entertain such overtures.

“He’s my tiny puppet, and only I can make him dance,” Putin reportedly snapped.

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