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The Borowitz Report

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Pence Stages One-Man Parade in Honor of Trump

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August 17, 2018
 

Mike Pence waves. Photograph by Kat Wade / Getty

 
 

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Hours after the Pentagon announced that it would postpone a military parade that Donald J. Trump had requested, Vice-President Mike Pence staged a one-man parade in Trump’s honor.

Explaining his decision to mount the solitary parade, Pence told reporters, “It is the least I can do to pay tribute to the greatness and majesty of Donald Trump, a true American hero.”

Pence acknowledged, however, that marching alone “was a neat way to keep the budget down.”

“Obviously, if money were no object, I would have gone for a little more spectacle,” he said. “Maybe a flyover by Space Force.”

Marching proudly with his chest thrust forward and breaking out into a near-strut, Pence’s parade route took him down Pennsylvania Avenue, where he waved occasionally to confused-looking passersby.

“It was weird seeing him walking all by himself,” Carol Foyler, a tourist who witnessed the Pence parade, said. “I waved back because it was just so sad.”

Pence’s one-man march drew high praise from Trump, who took to Twitter to declare it the largest parade in history.

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Republicans Projected to Pick up Seventy Seats in Prison

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August 9, 2018
 

U.S. Representative Chris Collins with his wife Mary a news conference in response to his arrest. Photograph by John Normile / Getty

 

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In a development that could dramatically change the composition of the federal penitentiary system, Republicans are projected to pick up as many as seventy seats in prison, a leading incarceration expert said on Thursday.

“Prognostication is an inexact science,” Davis Logsdon, who studies conviction rates of corrupt politicians for the University of Minnesota’s Guilt Project, said. “Having said that, if current indictment trends hold up, the Republicans could be flipping at least seventy key prison seats.”

Logsdon broke down criminal cases against Republicans into likely convictions, likely acquittals, and toss-ups, and found that the G.O.P.’s path to the magic number of seventy new prison cells was “very doable.”

According to his projections, Republicans are running for prison “especially well” in districts where the G.O.P. member of Congress was an early supporter of Donald J. Trump.

“In those districts, we’re seeing Republicans who did an incredible job of raising money,” he said. “All of that money is going to translate into a huge number of new freshman prisoners.”

All in all, Logsdon sees the prospect of seventy new Republicans in prison as “nothing short of seismic.”

“Prisons need to get ready,” he said. “A red wave is coming.”

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China Slaps Two-Thousand-Per-Cent Tariff on Tanning Beds

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July 9, 2018
 

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WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In the latest salvo in its escalating trade war with the United States, China has slapped all tanning beds slated for export to the U.S. with a two-thousand-per-cent tariff.

By artificially hiking up the cost of its tanning beds, China succeeded in sending the price of tanning beds worldwide soaring in overnight markets.

In what some experts regarded as a related move, China also placed a four-thousand-per-cent tariff on all spray-tan products headed for the U.S., as well as instant-tanning lotions, makeup foundation, and several popular hues of orange paint, including butter rum and burnt sienna.

The White House press secretary, Sarah Huckabee Sanders, blasted China’s tariffs on its full range of tanning products, calling the move an “act of war.”

“What China doesn’t understand is that it is far from the only player in the tanning game,” Sanders said. “The United States stands ready and willing to import tanning beds from our friends in Canada.”

In Ottawa, Prime Minister Justin Trudeau responded to reporters’ questions about the prospect of Canada shipping tanning beds to the United States. “It doesn’t look good,” he said.

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From today ...

Texas’s Lieutenant Governor Says Dying Not as Bad as Living in State Where He Is Lieutenant Governor

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April 22, 2020
 

Dan Patrick speaking to the press Photograph by Sergio Flores / Bloomberg / Getty

 

AUSTIN (The Borowitz Report)—Urging Texans to “keep things in perspective,” Texas’s lieutenant governor, Dan Patrick, said on Wednesday that dying is “surely not as bad” as living in a state where he is lieutenant governor.

Patrick, whose vehement anti-living message has stirred controversy across the country, said that he was speaking out to remind Texans that there are “some things worse than dying.”

“It’s time for a reality check, folks,” Patrick said. “If you wake up every morning and remember that I am the second-highest-ranking elected official in your state, maybe dying doesn’t look so bad, after all.”

Arguing that “dying has got a bad rap,” he blasted the media for what he called its “flagrant anti-death bias.”

“All these media people who go on about how dying is the worst thing in the world have never spent any time with me,” he said.

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Trump’s Lawyers Argue That He Cannot Be Impeached Because He Was Never Actually Elected

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June 4, 2018
 

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WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In what they believe is a legal masterstroke, lawyers for Donald J. Trump are now claiming that he cannot be impeached because he was never actually elected.

In a lengthy memo sent to the special counsel, Robert Mueller, the lawyers pushed back vehemently against any allegation that Trump was legally elected President.

“Because Russian interference made the election of Donald J. Trump wholly illegitimate, any attempt to remove him from an office that he does not legally hold is clearly impossible,” the memo asserted.

The memo claimed that the Constitution contains “no provision for removing a person from office when that person was installed there by a foreign power.”

The memo went on to argue that, if a subpoena is sent to the White House, it will be returned to Mueller and stamped “addressee unknown.”

“A person referred to in a subpoena as ‘President’ Donald J. Trump simply does not exist,” the memo claimed.

Minutes after the memo was leaked, the former New York mayor Rudolph Giuliani appeared on “Fox & Friends” and proudly announced that he was its author.

“Sometimes I have to just step back and say, ‘Damn it, Rudy, you’re good,’ ” he said, beaming.

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Trump Makes Pence Watch Him Issue Pardons to See How It’s Done

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June 2, 2018
 

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WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—President Donald J. Trump made Vice-President Mike Pence watch him issue pardons for several hours to see how it is done, a White House source confirmed.

According to the source, Trump pardoned a number of disgraced political figures and former reality-show cronies for the sole purpose of training Pence in the art of issuing pardons.

After signing pardon after pardon while Pence looked on intently, Trump commanded the Vice-President to sign a “practice pardon” to prove that he “wouldn’t mess anything up,” the source said.

Before trying his hand at issuing a pardon, Pence heaped praise on Trump for the pardoning demonstration he had just given.

“Mr. President, as in everything you do, your mastery of pardoning has been a wonder to behold,” he said. “I pray to God that, if I am ever called upon to issue a pardon, I do it with one-tenth of the skill and grace you have just displayed.”

“Stop sucking up and sign it,” Trump reportedly snapped.

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Trump Says White House Is No Place for Lying Lowlife from Reality Show

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August 13, 2018
 

Donald Trump and Omarosa Manigault talk. Photograph by Carlo Allegri / Reuters

 

BEDMINSTER, New Jersey (The Borowitz Report)—Blasting his former colleague Omarosa Manigault, Donald J. Trump said on Monday that “the White House is no place for a lying lowlife from a reality show.”

“People were impressed by Omarosa because they saw her on a TV show,” Trump told reporters from his golf course in Bedminster, New Jersey. “Well, I’ve got news for you: being on a reality show does not qualify you to work in the government.”

Explaining why he considered her a “lowlife,” Trump said, “She’s rude, abrasive, and offensive. Having someone like that in the White House is an embarrassment to our country.”

But worst of all, Trump said, was Omarosa’s lying, which he called “constant.”

“She can’t go a day without lying, and what’s more, she’s narcissistic and paranoid,” he said. “A psycho like that shouldn’t be allowed anywhere near the Situation Room.”

Pronouncing himself pleased that Omarosa was no longer in his Administration, Trump concluded his scorching remarks by saying, “The sooner we can rid the White House of reality-show con artists, the better off the country will be.”

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Public Demands Investigation of Why F.B.I. Infiltrators in Trump Campaign Failed to Prevent Him from Being Elected

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May 21, 2018
 

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WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Millions of Americans are demanding an investigation into why, if F.B.I. operatives managed to infiltrate the 2016 Trump campaign, they utterly failed to prevent a nightmarish despot from being elected.

In interviews across the country, Americans expressed dismay and, in some cases, despair at the news that F.B.I. infiltrators might have had a golden opportunity to prevent the nation’s current unspeakable nightmare from unfolding but did not get the job done.

“The thought of F.B.I. infiltrators being inside the Trump campaign but not sabotaging it is, in a word, devastating,” Carol Foyler, of Akron, Ohio, said. “If it turns out to be true, I will totally lose my faith in F.B.I. infiltrators.”

Harland Dorrinson, of St. Petersburg, Florida, agreed. “If F.B.I. infiltrators were in a position to derail the most heinous threat to democracy in American history but didn’t succeed for some reason, that would be bigger than Watergate,” he said.

Tracy Klugian, of Denver, Colorado, said that a “full and exhaustive investigation” is needed to “determine why our system of F.B.I. infiltrators preventing a horrific proto-fascist menace from taking office somehow broke down.”

“We need to find out what went wrong and fix it before the 2020 election,” he said. “I won’t be able to sleep at night until I know that F.B.I. operatives are infiltrating Trump’s reëlection campaign and irreparably crippling it.”

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N.R.A. Proposes Having Second Armed Teacher in Every Classroom to Stop First Armed Teacher from Misfiring

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March 15, 2018
 

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WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Hours after an armed teacher in a Northern California classroom fired a gun and injured a student, the head of the National Rifle Association proposed placing a second armed teacher in every classroom, to shoot the first armed teacher before he or she can do harm.

“Had there been a second armed teacher in the classroom to shoot the first armed teacher, this regrettable incident would never have occurred,” Wayne LaPierre said. “The only thing that stops a bad teacher with a gun is a good teacher with a gun.”

The N.R.A. executive vice-president said, “In a perfect world, you would have a third armed teacher, in case the second one messes up, but right now I’d settle for two.”

He blamed anti-gun activists for blocking measures that would allow multiple teachers with guns to shoot at one another and thus keep the nation’s classrooms safe. “It’s time to stop the madness,” he said.

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Betsy DeVos Calls “60 Minutes” a Waste of a Half Hour

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March 12, 2018
 

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WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Furious about her treatment on the CBS news-magazine program on Sunday night, Betsy DeVos spoke to reporters on Monday, and called “60 Minutes” a “total waste of a half hour.”

“I had never watched ‘60 Minutes’ before, but I can tell you this, I will never watch it again,” the Education Secretary said. “I have better things to do with a half hour of my time.”

Calling her interviewer, Lesley Stahl, a practitioner of “gotcha journalism at its worst,” DeVos said that it was “very unfair of her to ask me so many questions about education.”

“She asked me one thing about schools, and then another, and another,” she said. “If I had to answer every question she had about schools, I would have had to bone up on education for a month.”

DeVos said that she was “frustrated” that Stahl neglected to ask her about any of her “really good ideas” for the nation’s schools, such as “purchasing guns for teachers with money that is currently being wasted on books.”

“If a bear comes into your classroom, throwing a book at him will only stun him momentarily, at best,” DeVos said.

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Kim Jong Un Reveals He Is Just Using Trump to Meet Stormy Daniels

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March 9, 2018
 

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PYONGYANG (The Borowitz Report)—Kim Jong Un has revealed to close associates that he has offered to meet Donald J. Trump only as a means of achieving his real goal: meeting the former adult-film star Stormy Daniels.

A confidant of the North Korean dictator said that Kim revealed his true intentions behind the Trump invitation at a high-level government meeting on Thursday night. “Kim said that he was a big fan of Stormy’s, and he decided that meeting with Trump would be a ‘necessary evil’ if he wanted a chance to meet her,” the confidant said.

According to the confidant, Kim first attempted to arrange a meeting with Daniels through his close friend, the former N.B.A. player Dennis Rodman, “but, when Dennis said that he didn’t know Stormy, Kim was, like, ‘Oh, well, I guess I’ll have to go through Trump, then.’ ”

Kim reportedly is prepared to use whatever leverage is necessary to force Trump to broker the meeting with the erstwhile porn performer. “If Kim doesn’t get to meet Stormy, the missile tests resume,” the confidant said.

When told about Kim’s real reason for offering to meet with Trump, a White House aide initially expressed shock, but then added, “Now everything makes sense.”

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Kim Jong Un Taunts Trump with Photo of Hair Withstanding Gale-Force Wind

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February 9, 2018
 

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PYONGYANG (The Borowitz Report)—In a week when Donald J. Trump suffered the worst hair day of his Presidency, North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un taunted his American nemesis by releasing a photo of his own hair easily withstanding a gale-force wind.

The photo showed a broadly smiling Kim, his hair seemingly unperturbed by what the state-run Korean Central News Agency (KCNA) claimed were winds gusting up to fifty miles per hour.

According to KCNA’s news release, “Dear Leader’s mighty wind-resistant raven mane easily overmatches the American dotard’s sparse bleached strands.”

Perhaps in response to Kim’s taunt, the White House doctor, Ronny Jackson, held a hastily scheduled press conference to give an upbeat assessment of Trump’s hair.

“I have thoroughly examined the President’s hair, and in my medical opinion it is substantially thicker, lusher, and more luxuriant than Kim Jong Un’s hair,” he said, adding, “I hate myself.”

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Trump Gives Wife Beater Praise He Usually Reserves for Child Molesters and Nazis

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February 9, 2018
 
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WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In comments to reporters at the White House on Friday, Donald J. Trump stirred controversy by lavishing an alleged wife beater with praise that he historically has reserved for child molesters and Nazis.

Reporters who heard the President’s comments were taken aback since, in the past, the President had given no indication that he held wife beaters in the same high esteem in which he holds supporters of child abuse and white supremacy.

“We knew that President Trump considered child molesters and Nazis very fine people, but this was the first time he had put wife beaters up there, too,” Tracy Klugian, a member of the White House press corps, said. “We wanted clarification as to whether he considered wife beaters as fine as those other two groups, or finer.”

John Kelly, the White House chief of staff, accused reporters of attempting to drive a wedge between three of the President’s most cherished constituencies.

“Donald Trump has made it very clear that he can be the champion of wife beaters, child molesters, and Nazis at the same time,” Kelly said. “He doesn’t play favorites.”

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Video Emerges of Trump Lying Under Oath

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January 25, 2018
 

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WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—One day after Donald J. Trump offered to testify under oath for the special counsel, Robert Mueller, a newly discovered video of Trump lying under oath has sent shock waves through Washington.

In the video, which experts believe was recorded approximately one year ago, Trump places his left hand on a Bible and raises his right hand before uttering a stream of falsehoods.

“The video shows him lying in front of what appears to be a substantial number of witnesses, including his wife and a Supreme Court Justice,” Davis Logsdon, a professor at the University of Minnesota Law School, said. “It does raise questions about what, exactly, testifying under oath means to him.”

At the office of the special counsel, Mueller’s team was reportedly considering having Trump swear on something that was more meaningful to him than the Bible, such as a rolled-up copy of Forbes.

But, while Washington mulled the implications of the explosive video, the White House press secretary, Sarah Huckabee Sanders, questioned the authenticity of the video itself. “The person in this video is not the President of the United States,” she said.

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Millions of Americans Demand $130,000 for Not Having Sex with Trump

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February 14, 2018
 

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WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Millions of Americans on Wednesday demanded that Donald J. Trump’s personal lawyer, Michael D. Cohen, issue them checks in the amount of $130,000 for not having sex with Trump.

After Cohen revealed that he had issued such a check to Stormy Daniels, a porn star who he claims never had intimate relations with his client, there was widespread outrage among other Americans who had also not had sex with Trump but had not been paid for not doing so.

“Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy for Stormy Daniels,” Tracy Klugian, a florist in Santa Rosa, California, said. “I just want my check, too.”

Harland Dorrinson, a bank teller in Akron, Ohio, said that he had already e-mailed Cohen to demand payment. “I have never come close to having sex with Trump, and that should be worth something,” he said. “Specifically, $130,000.”

But, even as millions of Americans clamored to be compensated for abstaining from sex with Cohen’s client, others, like Carol Foyler, of Tallahassee, Florida, took a different view. “Never having sex with Donald Trump should be a reward in itself,” she said.

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From Andy Borowitz:

"Pence Chooses From His Extensive Collection of Masks"

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Kim Jong Un Fears That G.O.P. Tax Bill Makes His Plan to Destroy U.S. Redundant

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December 1, 2017
 

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PYONGYANG (The Borowitz Report)—Kim Jong Un is concerned that his long-standing plan to destroy the United States has been made totally irrelevant by the Republican tax bill moving through the Senate, a source close to the North Korean dictator said on Friday.

The source, who spoke on the condition of anonymity, said that Kim fears that his scheme to turn the United States into an uninhabitable hellhole has been to a large extent upstaged by a similar proposal from congressional Republicans.

“You have to understand, destroying America is something that Kim and his family have been plotting for decades,” the source said. “To see the Republicans swoop in at the last second and basically steal that idea—it’s got to hurt.”

According to the source, Kim has been watching C-span non-stop, praying that the Republicans’ plan to end life as Americans know it might come undone at the last moment, but he is “not getting his hopes up.”

“After having such a wonderful missile test, he should be on top of the world this week,” the source said. “Instead, he’s afraid that all his hard work has been for nothing. He now understands why so many Americans despise the Republicans.”

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Trump Voters Celebrate Massive Tax Cut for Everyone But Them

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November 16, 2017
 

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WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Jubilant Trump voters on Thursday celebrated the prospect of a gigantic tax cut that will benefit everyone but them.

Across the country, Trump supporters were overjoyed that, after months of gridlock and wrangling, the man they voted for was about to make Americans other than them wildly richer.

“President Trump has taken a lot of hits from the fake-news media, but he stood his ground,” Carol Foyler, a Trump voter in Ohio, said. “Today he honored his pledge to the American people, except for me and anybody I know.”

Harland Dorrinson, a Trump supporter from Kentucky, agreed. “When I cast my vote last November, I said to myself, ‘I sure hope this means that people with a thousand times more money than I have get even more money,’ ” he said. “Promise kept.”

Tracy Klugian, a Trump voter from Minnesota, said that tax cuts for everyone but him are an important step toward making America great again. “Look at the stock market—it’s been going through the roof,” Klugian, who has no money in the stock market, said.

But some Trump supporters, like Calvin Denoit, of Texas, were more muted. “Tax cuts that completely exclude me and my family are a good start,” he said. “But, until President Trump eliminates all environmental and safety regulations for corporations that I have zero stake in, I won’t be satisfied.”

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“Pocahontas” Not a Racial Slur, Says Prominent White Expert

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November 28, 2017
 

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WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Donald J. Trump’s use of the name “Pocahontas” at a White House event honoring Navajo veterans was not a racial slur, a prominent white expert said on Monday.

“If some Native Americans were offended by the use of this term, I’m sorry that they’re so wrong,” the expert said. “As a white person, I think I’m in a better position to know about this stuff.”

She also defended the decision to honor the Navajo veterans near a portrait of Andrew Jackson, who is widely reviled by Native Americans. “Before we held the ceremony, we consulted with a number of other white experts, and we all agreed that Andrew Jackson was great,” she said.

At times, the white expert seemed exasperated at having to explain to Native Americans what was a racial slur and what was not. “Look, I can explain it to them, but it’s real time-consuming, and I have a lot of other stuff to do,” she said.

In closing, the Caucasian said that accusing Trump of intentionally offending the Navajos was absurd. “No one knows more about offending people than Donald Trump,” she said.

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White House Claims Flynn’s Job Was to Make Coffee When Papadopoulos Was Busy

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November 5, 2017
 

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WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—The White House called an unscheduled press briefing on Sunday to clarify Michael T. Flynn’s role in the Trump campaign, claiming that his job consisted entirely of making coffee when George Papadopoulos was busy with other matters.

“Sometimes, we would ask for coffee and George was otherwise occupied,” the White House press secretary, Sarah Huckabee Sanders, said. “At that point, Michael Flynn would step in and make that coffee.”

When asked what role Flynn’s son, Michael G. Flynn, played in the campaign, Sanders indicated that he, too, was involved in coffee-making to the exclusion of all other responsibilities.

“There were many times when the two Flynns would make coffee together,” she said. “The father would actually make the coffee, and the son would add the creamer, sweetener, and whatnot.”

Sanders said that, in the weeks to come, the White House is likely to release the names of additional campaign staffers whose roles were limited to the preparation of coffee beverages, and that such names might include Jared Kushner and Donald Trump, Jr.

“This was a campaign that drank a great deal of coffee,” she explained.

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Trump Says He Is Only President in History with Courage to Stand Up to War Widows

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October 23, 2017
 

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WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) – Calling himself “unbelievably brave,” Donald Trump said on Monday that he is the only President in U.S. history with the courage to stand up to war widows.

“You look at guys like Obama and Clinton and the Bushes, when it came to war widows, they all blinked,” he said. “For years, we weren’t winning at widows.”

In contrast, Trump said, he has made defeating war widows one of his top priorities as President. “Forget about Iran and China and Little Rocket Man,” he said. “This country has been pushed around by war widows for far too long.”

Trump said that Senator John McCain, who has mocked the President’s draft-dodging during Vietnam, has “never shown an ounce of courage when it comes to fighting war widows.”

“McCain can talk about what he did in Vietnam all he wants,” Trump said. “But the guys who have gone toe to toe with a war widow, contradicted her version of events, and refused to back down—we are the true heroes.”

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Researchers Identify Gene for Awfulness

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September 9, 2017
 

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LEEDS (The Borowitz Report)—In a finding that has wide-ranging implications for society, British researchers at the University of Leeds announced on Saturday that they have identified the gene for awfulness.

The study, which focussed on one adult male and three of his adult children, makes a persuasive argument that there is a “powerful dominant gene” that makes people heinous.

“When we began our research, we wanted to find an adult male with pronounced characteristics of horribleness,” Alistair Dorrinson, the scientist who led the study, said. “In studying three of his adult offspring, we found that they were all carriers of the gene that makes one smug, tone-deaf, and oblivious to the fate of others.”

Additionally, certain subtraits of awfulness, such as an inability to tell the truth, appear to be genetically mediated, Dorrinson said.

“If the father is unable to explain honestly why a meeting took place, for example, the son who carries the same gene will also tell crazy lies about that meeting,” he said.

Hopes that the gene for horribleness might eventually become diluted as its carriers mate with the general population were dashed when the scientists studied the mating history of the adult daughter in the sample group.

“Unfortunately, those who carry the gene for awfulness are more likely to reproduce with other carriers of the same gene,” the scientist said.

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Man Ravaged by Amnesia Somehow Able to Hold Down Demanding Legal Job

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June 13, 2017
 

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WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—An Alabama man whose brain was ravaged by severe amnesia is somehow able to function in an extremely demanding legal job, leading neurologists reported on Tuesday.

The man, whom neurologists are calling a “medical mystery,” has performed highly exacting tasks in one of the country’s top legal positions despite having virtually no short- or long-term memory

Dr. Davis Logsdon, the chairman of the neurology department at the University of Minnesota Medical School, said that the Alabaman’s brain “defies explanation.”

“In all the medical literature, we have never seen an example of someone capable of holding down such a high-powered job while having no memory whatsoever of people he met, things he said, places he has been, or thoughts he has had,” Logsdon said. “It’s the stuff of science fiction."

Logsdon said that his team of neurologists was studying video of the man in the hopes of understanding the paradoxical functioning of his brain, but Logsdon acknowledged that such a task was challenging. “After listening to him talk for hours, your own brain starts to hurt,” he said.

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Jared Kushner Calls Kim Jong Un “Totally Unqualified Person” Who Got Job Only Through Nepotism

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April 18, 2017
 

PHOTOGRAPH BY MANDEL NGAN  AFP  GETTY PHOTOGRAPH BY MANDEL NGAN / AFP / GETTY

 

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Offering a stunningly blunt appraisal of the North Korean leader, Jared Kushner said on Tuesday that Kim Jong Un was a “totally unqualified person” who attained his position of power only through nepotism.

“Here you have a guy who has no government experience, and he’s in charge of the whole thing,” Kushner said, in an interview with Fox News. “It’s the craziest thing I’ve ever heard of.”

Kushner noted that, instead of working his way up and acquiring the skills necessary to do his job, the North Korean leader had been given huge responsibilities and power “only because of family connections.”

“There’s only one word for that,” he said. “Nepotism.”

Kushner called the notion of such an unqualified person conducting foreign policy “beyond belief.”

“I mean, why would you let someone with no experience in foreign affairs anywhere near such important decisions?” Kushner added. “Why would anyone take someone like that seriously?”

Kushner said that the people of North Korea must look at the powerful position attained by the “totally inexperienced and unqualified” Kim and shake their heads. “They’ve got to be asking themselves, ‘Who elected him?’ ” he said.

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Jared Kushner Says He Read Up on Middle East During Minutes Waiting for Ski Lift

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April 4, 2017
 

COURTESY LARALEATRUMP  INSTAGRAM COURTESY LARALEATRUMP / INSTAGRAM

 

BAGHDAD (The Borowitz Report)—Jared Kushner said on Tuesday that he became “incredibly well-informed” on the Middle East by reading up on the region while waiting for the ski lift on a recent trip to Aspen.

“There would be times when you’d have to wait five or even ten minutes for the ski lift, and that’s when I’d take out my phone and read up on the Middle East,” he said. “I really got into it.”

Kushner said that the Middle East was a “truly fascinating region” because of “all the countries that they have there.”

“There is Israel, and Egypt, but there is also Yemen and places like that,” he said. “Sometimes I would start learning about a new country, but then the ski lift would come.”

Kushner said that, during a meeting on Monday in Baghdad, he “wowed” the Iraqi Prime Minister, Haider al-Abadi, with knowledge that he had gleaned about the nation while waiting for the ski lift.

“I told him that Iraq’s main agricultural products include wheat, barley, corn, and rice,” he said. “He seemed really surprised that I would know things like that.”

“Something else that’s interesting about the Middle East is there is a country called Jordan,” he added.

Kushner’s wife, Ivanka Trump, said that her husband’s ability to learn so much about the Middle East while waiting for the ski lift was “nothing short of amazing.”

“Jared is such a quick learner,” Trump said. “He reminds me of Daddy.”

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