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Murder Hornets Doubt They Can Do as Much Damage as Trump

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May 5, 2020
 

In this April 23 2020 photo provided by the Washington State Department of Agriculture a researcher holds a dead Asian... Photograph by Karla Salp / Washington State Department of Agriculture / AP

 

WASHINGTON STATE (The Borowitz Report)—Calling it “a tall order, for sure,” a swarm of murder hornets are openly questioning whether they can do as much damage to the United States as Donald J. Trump has.

In an unusually candid interview, the deadly winged insects said that their initial plans to invade North America, spreading terror and carnage in their wake, have been largely upended by Trump’s performance this year.

“We had been talking about coming to America for, like, forever,” one hornet said. “It’s obviously a huge market, and we wanted to make a big splash over here. And now this.”

The hornet said that, when it became clear that Trump was causing headline-grabbing destruction, “a bunch of us were, like, ‘Should we postpone our whole deal? It seems like we’re not going to get the attention we’ve been shooting for.’ ”

Ultimately, the hornets decided to stick with their original launch date, but they are now confronting the unpalatable reality that “Trump has definitely left us in the dust, threat-wise.”

“Look, we’re murder hornets,” the hornet said. “We’re going to do what murder hornets do. We’re going to sting people. We’re going to terrify them. But are we really going to engulf the United States of America in terror and existential despair? Trump has set the bar very high.”

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Trump Bids Ben Carson Farewell Until Next Black History Month

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February 28, 2017
 

PHOTOGRAPH BY MICHAEL REYNOLDS  GETTY PHOTOGRAPH BY MICHAEL REYNOLDS / GETTY

 

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—On the final day of Black History Month, Donald J. Trump thanked Ben Carson for participating in a handful of photo opportunities during the month, and bade him farewell until Black History Month next year.

Saying goodbye to Carson at the White House, Trump praised him for “sitting or standing next to me” at various times over the past four weeks.

“At the beginning of Black History Month, you came to that breakfast we had, and last week you went with me to that museum or whatever,” Trump said. “We’ll do things like that again next year. Thanks again, Ben, and goodbye.”

As the retired neurosurgeon turned to leave the White House, a reporter asked Carson, who is Trump’s nominee for hud Secretary, whether he had any plans beyond standing near Trump during Black History Month.

Suddenly furious, Trump lashed out at the press corps, accusing them of "not giving as much credit to Ben Carson as you've given Frederick Douglass."

“Ben went to a bunch of Black History things with me, and where was Frederick Douglass, seriously?" he said. "You media people have treated Ben Carson very unfairly, and you’re the lowest form of life.”

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Scientists Baffled by McConnell and Ryan’s Ability to Stand Upright Without Spines

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January 30, 2017
 

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WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Calling it a “medical mystery of the first order,” scientists are baffled by the ability of Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell and House Speaker Paul Ryan to stand upright without the benefit of spines.

Doctors at the University of Minnesota Medical School, who have been studying the skeletal structures of both Republicans for months, believe that their ability to stand, walk, and even break into a brisk trot when confronted by reporters’ questions is “virtually inexplicable.”

“The fact that they can do these things without the aid of spines makes McConnell and Ryan anomalies in the animal kingdom,” said Dr. Davis Logsdon. “According to everything medical science teaches us, their bodies should be collapsing to the ground in two heaps.”

As the Minnesota scientists have struggled to solve the medical conundrum presented by the two invertebrate leaders, one theory that has gained traction is what Logsdon calls “the startled-deer hypothesis.”

“Just as a deer freezes in the headlights of a car and briefly appears statue-like, we believe that Ryan and McConnell’s bodies may retain their rigid structure out of terror alone,” he said. “In other words, fear is performing the function that a spine performs in other people.”

Calling it “just a theory,” Logsdon said that the anatomies of McConnell and Ryan require further study, and that there was growing public support for both men to be dissected.

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More Than Three Hundred Million Americans Now Enrolled in Trump University

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January 20, 2017
 

PHOTOGRAPH BY DENNIS VAN TINE  MEDIAPUNCH  IPX  AP PHOTOGRAPH BY DENNIS VAN TINE / MEDIAPUNCH / IPX / AP

 

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In an astonishing comeback for the scandal-scarred educational institution, Trump University enrolled more than three hundred million new students at noon on Friday.

“Congratulations,” the President of Trump University told the new students. “For the next four years, you are all in Trump University.”

Some Americans who supported the President of Trump University in his long-shot bid to reopen the school made the journey to Washington, D.C., to hear his welcome address.

“He said we’re all going to be rich!” Harland Dorrinson, a new Trump University student, said. “I just know that this is going to end really well.”

But even as students like Dorrinson celebrated, there were complaints from other students, millions of whom said they had been enrolled in Trump University against their will.

“I never signed up for Trump University,” Carol Foyler, who is one of those students, said. “The President of this school is some kind of a con man. And why are so many members of the faculty Russian? The whole thing seems fishy."

“Not my University,” she said.

While the original program offered by Trump University had a price tag as high as thirty-five thousand dollars, the next four years are expected to be far more costly, experts say.

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Bush Counting Down Days Until He Is No Longer Worst President in History

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January 17, 2017
 

PHOTOGRAPH BY STEPHEN JAFFE  AFP  Getty PHOTOGRAPH BY STEPHEN JAFFE / AFP / Getty

 

DALLAS (The Borowitz Report)—Former President George W. Bush is eagerly counting down the days until he is no longer the worst President in U.S. history, Bush confirmed on Tuesday.

Speaking to reporters at his home, Bush said that he “could hardly wait” until Friday, when he will be officially bounced from the worst-President slot.

“I have to admit, I never thought I’d see this day in my lifetime,” the former President said. “When you leave office with the nation in smoldering ruins, you sort of come to accept that you’re gonna be worst for a long, long time.”

“I guess you could say I set the bar kind of high, worst-wise,” he chuckled.

As the returns came in on Election Night, however, the former President suddenly realized that his days as the worst President in U.S. history might be coming to an abrupt end.

“Holy cow,” Bush remembered saying to himself. “Just holy cow.”

While Bush recognizes that many Americans are dreading Friday’s Inauguration, he said he hoped that they could “sort of understand” why he might see things differently.

“To be honest, Friday can’t come fast enough for me,” he said. “I’m like a kid waiting for Christmas.”

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Ben Carson Warns That Bible Makes No Mention of Housing or Urban Development

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December 5, 2016
 

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WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In his first public statement since Donald Trump chose him to be the Secretary of Housing and Urban Development, Ben Carson said on Monday that the Bible “makes absolutely no mention of housing or urban development.”

Carson said that, when Trump initially asked him to accept the post, “the first thing I did was check the Bible to see if there was anything about housing or urban development in there, and much to my dismay there was not.”

“As you can well imagine, I did not want to be in charge of something that the Bible does not condone,” he said. “But then I realized that perhaps the Lord wants me to take this job so that I can banish housing and urban development from the earth.”

Carson offered no details about how he would eliminate housing, but said that he was seeking advice from Trump’s pick for Secretary of Education, Betsy DeVos. “She’s basically trying to do the same thing with education,” he said.

The retired neurosurgeon said that he was looking forward to taking the reins at hud but that he had “a lot of loose ends to tie up” before then. “Right now, I need to find my shoes,” he said.

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Trump Says Ordering People at Rallies to Attack One Another Has Prepared Him to Be Commander-in-Chief

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September 8, 2016
 
PHOTOGRAPH BY MIKE SEGAR  REUTERS
PHOTOGRAPH BY MIKE SEGAR / REUTERS

NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report)—Responding to a question about his qualifications to be Commander-in-Chief, Donald Trump told NBC’s Matt Lauer on Wednesday night, "At my rallies, I have ordered many, many people to attack other people."

“In the heat of the moment, you have to decide who is going to hit which person, when, and how hard,” Trump said. “I have ordered more people to attack other people than most of our generals have.”

He said that the outcome of the fights at his rallies showed that he has the judgment necessary to be Commander-in-Chief. “You always want to make the bigger guy hit the littler guy,” he said. “That’s how you win.”

Asked about his strategy for defeating isis, Trump said, "What I learned from my rallies is that you never tell people in advance how you're going to attack them. You wait until they least expect it, and you sucker-punch them in the face. That's what I would do to isis."

He contrasted his extensive experience ordering people to attack one another with Hillary Clinton’s “complete lack of experience” in the same arena. “You look at her rallies, no one’s hitting anybody, she’s not telling anybody to hit anybody, and people are just sitting there,” he said. “It’s a disgrace.”

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Trump Economic Plan Calls for Every American to Inherit Millions from Father

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August 8, 2016
 

PHOTOGRAPH BY JOCELYN AUGUSTINO  REDUX PHOTOGRAPH BY JOCELYN AUGUSTINO / REDUX

 

DETROIT (The Borowitz Report)—At a speech in Detroit on Monday, the Republican Presidential nominee, Donald J. Trump, spelled out the details of his economic plan, which calls for every American to inherit millions of dollars from his or her father.

“There are people at my rallies, desperate people, desperate because they want jobs,” he told his luncheon audience at the Detroit Economic Club. “Once they inherit millions from their father, they will never want a job again.”

Using an anecdote to show how his economic plan would work, Trump explained, “A man with zero dollars who inherited forty million dollars from his father would become forty million dollars wealthier.”

“We are going to make America rich again,” he said.

Tearing into “the failed economic policies of the Obama Administration,” he argued that children in China are inheriting money from their fathers at a much higher rate than American children are.

“We don’t win at anything anymore,” he said. “We don’t win at inheriting.”

Trump’s plan for wealth creation drew strong praise from his team of economic advisers, including Ivanka, Eric, Tiffany, Barron, and Donald Trump, Jr.

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Seemingly Decent Human Being’s Involvement in 2016 Election Confuses Voters

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July 24, 2
 
PHOTOGRAPH BY MELINA MARA  THE WASHINGTON POST VIA GETTY
PHOTOGRAPH BY MELINA MARA / THE WASHINGTON POST VIA GETTY

MIAMI (The Borowitz Report)—The involvement of a seemingly decent human being in the 2016 election campaign left American voters stunned and deeply bewildered on Saturday.

In interviews across the country, voters expressed reactions ranging from shock to total incomprehension at the campaign début of a man who, at first blush, exhibits none of the outward characteristics of a sociopath or clinical narcissist.

Furthermore, the man’s evident failure to be the target of fraud lawsuits, sexual-harassment claims, or federal criminal investigations was, in the parlance of many voters, “weird.”

“He seems like a nice guy, the kind of person you might enjoy spending time with and getting to know better,” said Harland Dorrinson, age thirty-two, who watched the man’s unveiling on TV. “I don’t know.  The whole thing feels like some kind of prank.”

The man’s apparent humanity could spell trouble for his candidacy, as some voters questioned whether he has the capacity for unspeakable evil that is generally considered necessary to win higher office.

“I’m trying to keep an open mind, but I worry about his lack of experience being a dick,” one voter said.

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Canada Fears Photo of Prime Minister with Pandas Could Worsen American Refugee Crisis

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March 7, 2016
 
PHOTOGRAPH COURTESY JUSTIN TRUDEAU  TWITTER
PHOTOGRAPH COURTESY JUSTIN TRUDEAU / TWITTER

TORONTO (The Borowitz Report)—Canada, already bracing for the possible inflow of millions of American refugees in November, might have made matters worse by releasing an unacceptably adorable photo of its Prime Minister hugging two baby pandas, Canadians fear.

The photo, taken at the Toronto Zoo and showing Justin Trudeau cuddling with two panda cubs, was “the last thing this country needed,” Harland Dorrinson, the executive director of Canadians for Responsible Immigration, a prominent anti-immigration organization based in Ottawa, said.

“Canada is already staring down the potential crisis of millions of Americans pouring over its border later this year,” Dorrinson said. “Did we really have to announce that we have pandas, too?”

The news photo, which Dorrinson called “an unmitigated disaster,” is expected to worsen the influx of illegal Americans because, he said, “in addition to pointing out that Canada has pandas, it is also reminding people that our Prime Minister is an unusually handsome man, especially for someone in government.”

In an open letter published online, the anti-immigration leader urged Trudeau “to put his country first” and cancel a visit scheduled for Friday at the Winnipeg Puppy and Kitten Shelter.

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Palin Endorsement Widens Trump’s Lead Among Idiots

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January 19, 2016
 

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DES MOINES, Iowa (The Borowitz Report)—An endorsement from former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin is expected to widen Donald J. Trump’s already impressive lead among so-called “idiot voters,” an aide to the billionaire said on Tuesday.

While Trump was previously thought to have a lock on the idiot vote heading into the Iowa caucuses, a recent surge by Senator Ted Cruz, of Texas, has put the idiots back in play.

Cruz has worked tirelessly in recent weeks to tailor his message to undecided idiots, even revamping his stump speech to rid it of two-syllable words.

“That’s why Palin supporting Trump and not Cruz is such a win for us,” the Trump aide said. “She’s been out of politics for awhile, but she still has idiot cred.”

The aide said that no one should be surprised by the bond between Palin and Trump. “They’re both reality-show hosts,” he said. “And by lowering the bar in 2008, Palin singlehandedly made Trump’s candidacy possible.”

But even as the Trump campaign staffers celebrate the Palin endorsement, they recognize that they still have their work cut out for them to secure victory in Iowa. “Getting the idiots to support Trump is only half the battle,” the aide said. “Now we have to make sure that they make it to the caucuses without getting lost on the way.”

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Debate Watchers Disappointed That Trump and Cruz Did Not Actually Punch Each Other’s Faces

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January 15, 2016
 
Photograph by Scott OlsonGetty
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CHARLESTON (The Borowitz Report)—Americans who watched Thursday night’s Republican debate on the Fox Business Network expressed deep disappointment that the billionaire Donald J. Trump and Texas Senator Ted Cruz did not actually punch each other’s faces in the course of the contest.

In interviews with voters across the country, those who viewed the debate complained that their hopes had been “unfairly raised” that the two candidates’ fists would come into contact with each other’s faces, and said that they were extremely irritated when that did not occur.

“When Cruz started talking about Trump’s mother, that’s when I thought it was going to happen,” Tracy Klugian, a disappointed viewer from Akron, Ohio, said. “He was standing right next to him. He could have punched his lights out. He could have thrown Cruz to the ground and start kicking him and whatnot. But nothing.”

Harland Dorrinson, a viewer from Tempe, Arizona, said that he was “dismayed” by Cruz’s failure to physically injure Trump. “Any number of times, he could have just grabbed his head and banged it against the podium—boom, boom, boom,” he said. “The fact that he didn’t makes me wonder what kind of President he would be.”

Carol Foyler, of San Dimas, California, said that she was also disappointed that Kentucky Senator Rand Paul was not included in the debate. “It would have been nice to see someone punch him in the face,” she said.

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Trump Wishes He Could Replace Fauci with the Doctor Who Saved Him from Vietnam

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Donald Trump wishes he could replace Anthony Fauci with the podiatrist who helped him avoid serving in the Vietnam War, Trump said on Thursday.

Speaking to reporters, Trump disparaged Fauci by arguing that he is not “half the doctor” that his former podiatrist was.

“You tell Tony to do something, and he says he has to look at a bunch of numbers and charts first, and even then he maybe doesn’t do what you told him to,” Trump complained. “You asked my foot doctor in Queens to say I had bone spurs and, boom, ten minutes later you got the note.”

If his podiatrist were still alive, Trump said, “I would tell him that the country was at war with coronavirus, and he would get me out of it, no questions asked.”

He also questioned whether Fauci was as medically qualified as his former podiatrist. “An epidemiologist like Tony specializes in just one thing,” Trump said. “A podiatrist has to know about both feet. That’s twice as much knowledge, medically speaking.”

Trump grew emotional as he recalled the “unbelievable service” that his beloved podiatrist performed for him. “That doctor saved lives,” he said.

 

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Ben Carson: Pompeii Victims Should Have Outrun Lava

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October 7, 2015
 
PHOTOGRAPH BY LUKE SHARRETT  BLOOMBERG VIA GETTY
PHOTOGRAPH BY LUKE SHARRETT / BLOOMBERG VIA GETTY

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Citizens of the Roman town of Pompeii who were victims of Mt. Vesuvius’s eruption in 79 A.D. could have survived if they had “just outrun the lava,” the neurosurgeon Ben Carson told Fox News on Wednesday.

“Most of the plaster casts we have of Pompeii victims show them basically just lying down and whatnot,” he said. “If I had been in Pompeii and I heard Mt. Vesuvius erupting, you can bet I would have made a run for it.”

He said another option open to residents of Pompeii would have been “to fight the volcano.”

“Archeologists estimate that the population of Pompeii was about eleven thousand,” he said. “You can’t tell me that if eleven thousand people put their minds to it they couldn’t beat one volcano.”

Carson said he would spend the next week on the campaign trail dispensing helpful tips about how people can defeat earthquakes, tsunamis, and giant asteroids.

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Nation with Crumbling Bridges and Roads Excited to Build Giant Wall

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August 31, 2015
 

Photograph by Matt YorkAP Photograph by Matt York/AP

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—As America’s bridges, roads, and other infrastructure dangerously deteriorate from decades of neglect, there is a mounting sense of urgency that it is time to build a giant wall.

Across the U.S., whose rail system is a rickety antique plagued by deadly accidents, Americans are increasingly recognizing that building a wall with Mexico, and possibly another one with Canada, should be the country's top priority.

Harland Dorrinson, the executive director of a Washington-based think tank called the Center for Responsible Immigration, believes that most Americans favor the building of border walls over extravagant pet projects like structurally sound freeway overpasses.

"The estimated cost of a border wall with Mexico is five billion dollars," he said. "We could easily blow the same amount of money on infrastructure repairs and have nothing to show for it but functioning highways."

Congress has dragged its feet on infrastructure spending in recent years, but Dorrinson senses growing support in Washington for building a giant border wall. "Even if for some reason we don't get the Mexicans to pay for it, five billion is a steal," he said.

While some think that America’s declining infrastructure is a national-security threat, Dorrinson strongly disagrees. "If immigrants somehow get over the wall, the condition of our bridges and roads will keep them from getting very far," he said.

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Twenty Thousand Considered Disappointing Turnout for Racist Event in Alabama

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August 22, 2015
PHOTOGRAPH BY MARK WALLHEISER  GETTY
PHOTOGRAPH BY MARK WALLHEISER / GETTY

MOBILE (The Borowitz Report)—A rally featuring a racist speaker Friday night in Mobile attracted a crowd of just twenty thousand people, widely considered a disappointing turnout for a racist event in Alabama.

According to racist event planners in the state, a crowd of twenty thousand would rank the event as one of the smaller racist rallies in Alabama this year.

Organizers of the rally were quick to defend the size of the turnout. “There is always a lot of competition for the racist audience in Alabama,” an aide to the speaker said. “There were other racists speaking at other venues in the state Friday night. Plus, a lot of racists now prefer to stay at home and stream racist content on the Internet. Given all the options available to racists, I think twenty thousand is a solid number.”

Harland Dorrinson, a longtime racist event planner in Alabama, disagreed, claiming that the size of the crowd was more reminiscent of non-racist events in the state. “You go around spewing hatred every chance you get, and then you only draw twenty thousand in Alabama?” he said. “The people who organized this event need to sit down and figure out what went wrong.”

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Trump More Heinous Than Previously Thought

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August 7, 2015
 
PHOTOGRAPH BY CHIP SOMODEVILLAGETTY
PHOTOGRAPH BY CHIP SOMODEVILLA/GETTY

CLEVELAND (The Borowitz Report)—The billionaire Donald Trump shocked the American people Thursday night by proving to be considerably more heinous than they had previously thought, an instant poll taken after the debate shows.

According to the poll, viewers who went into tonight's debate thinking that Trump was one of the most horrible people that they had ever seen were still totally unprepared for the depths of awfulness he displayed during the televised contest.

When presented with the descriptors "loathsome," "appalling," and "monstrous," viewers who witnessed Trump's interaction with Fox News's Megyn Kelly said that none of those words did justice to how odious Trump was.

Partially as a result of his debate performance, the poll shows, Trump is now the first choice of seventy per cent of Republican voters.

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In Bid to Take Attention from Trump, Other Fifteen Hopefuls Release Joint Sex Tape

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July 28, 2015
 

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WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In what critics are calling a desperate attempt to draw the media's attention away from Donald Trump, the other fifteen candidates for the Republican nomination have released a joint sex tape.

The tape, including such luminaries as former Arkansas governor Mike Huckabee, Texas senator Ted Cruz, former Florida governor Jeb Bush, and New Jersey governor Chris Christie, appeared briefly on major news Web sites before an avalanche of viewer revulsion demanded it be taken down.

According to Carol Foyler, a viewer who happened to catch the tape during its brief appearance on the CNN Web site, the video contained images "I may never be able to get out of my mind."

"I couldn't believe that these people would participate in such a thing," she said. "Except maybe Santorum."

A spokesman for Rick Perry defended the former Texas governor's appearance on the tape. "It changed the conversation, at least for a minute or two," the spokesman said.

Possibly as a result of his exclusion from the sex tape, in the aftermath of its release Trump has surged another eleven points in the latest poll.

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Number of G.O.P. Candidates Now Thirteen, Says C.D.C.

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June 24, 2015
 

Photograph by Chuck KennedyMCT via Getty Photograph by Chuck Kennedy/MCT via Getty

DEKALB COUNTY, GEORGIA (The Borowitz Report)—The number of official candidates for the 2016 Republican Presidential nomination has risen to thirteen, according to officials at the Centers for Disease Control.

The count had stood at twelve since the announcement last week by the reality-show host Donald Trump, leading many at the C.D.C. to privately hope that the epidemic was losing steam.

But with the entry of Louisiana Gov. Bobby Jindal into the race on Wednesday, the C.D.C. was forced to hold a press conference to announce the worrisome news that the number of candidates had increased yet again.

“It might have been misplaced optimism on our part, but we had started to believe that this thing had been contained,” said the C.D.C. spokesman Dr. Harland Dorrinson. “Regrettably, it has not.”

While scientists disagree about how running for President spreads from person to person, most epidemiologists believe that a candidacy needs an environment rich in narcissism and delusion—plus a host to feed on, ideally a sociopathic billionaire.

The C.D.C. spokesman refused to address speculation that Wisconsin Gov. Scott Walker would soon enter the race, bringing the number of candidates to fourteen. “I don’t want to say anything that might cause the public to panic,” he said.

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Poll: Palin Would Bring Much-Needed Dignity to Republican Field

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July 14, 2015
 

Photograph by Scott OlsonGetty Photograph by Scott Olson/Getty

 

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—The former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin would bring much-needed dignity to the 2016 Republican field, a new poll shows.

According to the poll, conducted by the University of Minnesota's Opinion Research Institute, Palin's ability to articulate her positions on issues with precision and restraint is sorely lacking among other entrants in the G.O.P. race.

Additionally, voters said that the former governor's breadth of knowledge in the fields of economics, foreign affairs, and American history would place her head and shoulders above the current crop of Republican hopefuls.

In the words of one voter who was surveyed, "When I hear some of these candidates talk, I sure do miss Sarah Palin."

Despite the overwhelming sense that she would contribute gravitas and intellectual rigor that have been woefully missing from the G.O.P. contest, a Palin candidacy appears unlikely, a spokesman said.

"Governor Palin is very flattered by this poll, but she is concerned that being associated with this field of candidates could harm her stature," he said.

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Americans Favor Fifteen Dollars an Hour for Congress

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April 16, 2015
 

Photograph by Pablo MartinezAP Photograph by Pablo Martinez/AP

 

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) – Americans took to the streets in large numbers on Thursday to show their support for a fifteen-dollar-an-hour wage for members of Congress.

In major cities across the nation, fast-food workers and other service employees held signs, shouted chants, and gave impassioned speeches to demonstrate their conviction that Congress deserves a maximum hourly wage of fifteen dollars.

“Members of Congress are people, just like you and me,” Tracy Klugian, a McDonald’s employee who took part in the Washington protest, said. “They should be paid what they deserve.”

Assuming that they continue to take off approximately two hundred and forty days a year, members of Congress earning the proposed maximum would see their average annual income adjusted from a hundred and seventy-four thousand dollars to thirteen thousand five hundred dollars, a salary that many marchers called “fair and equitable.”

“I know what members of Congress will say: ‘I can’t live on that,’” Harland Dorrinson, a protester in Chicago, said. “Well, if they want to earn more, they should go out and acquire some skills.”

While organizers of the marches proclaimed today’s protests a success, in some cities the demonstrations met some opposition from counter-protesters, who argued that fifteen dollars was too much.

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Hillary Releases Twenty Thousand Spam E-Mails from Old Navy

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March 11, 2015
 
PHOTOGRAPH BY VICTOR J. BLUEBLOOMBERG VIA GETTY
PHOTOGRAPH BY VICTOR J. BLUE/BLOOMBERG VIA GETTY

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Hoping to quell the controversy over e-mails missing from her private account, the former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton on Wednesday released twenty thousand spam e-mails she received from Old Navy.

"In an effort to be transparent, I have gone above and beyond what is required of me by law and released every last e-mail I received from this retailer," she told reporters. "Now I think we can all consider this case closed."

The e-mails reveal an extensive one-way correspondence between Clinton and Old Navy, as the retailer sometimes contacted her up to a dozen times in a single day to inform her of sales and other offers.

"This is one of the main reasons I set up a private e-mail account," she said. "I did not want spam from Old Navy clogging up the State Department servers."

But if the former Secretary of State thought that she could end the controversy swirling around her e-mail account by releasing the Old Navy spam, she may have miscalculated.

Representative Trey Gowdy, the Republican chairman of the House Benghazi select committee, questioned why Clinton would let twenty thousand spam e-mails from Old Navy accumulate rather than simply unsubscribe. "It doesn't pass the smell test," he said.

Responding to that allegation, Clinton said, "I want the American people to know that, on multiple occasions, I tried to unsubscribe from Old Navy, and my requests were ignored. The most frustrating part of this whole affair is that I've never even bought anything from Old Navy."

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Alabama Loses Yet Another Fight to Remain in Eighteenth Century

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February 9, 2015
 

Image may contain Electrical Device Microphone Human Person Coat Clothing Overcoat Apparel Suit Crowd and Audience Photograph by Robert Daemmrich Photography Inc / Corbis via Getty

 

MONTGOMERY, Ala. (The Borowitz Report)—On Monday, the state of Alabama lost yet another fight to remain in the eighteenth century, extending a losing streak that dates back to the nineteenth century.

Alabama, whose first attempt to remain in the eighteenth century took place between 1861 and 1865, has never shown signs of giving up the fight, even after being dealt a string of stunning defeats in the nineteen-fifties and nineteen-sixties.

According to historians, Monday’s loss brings the number of failed attempts by Alabama to more than four thousand.

But even with this latest defeat, some of the state’s residents, such as Chief Justice Roy Moore, of the Alabama Supreme Court, remained resolute in their fight to return to a time before electricity and indoor plumbing.

“The United States Supreme Court has decided that it is the twenty-first century,” Moore said on Monday. “I say, ‘Not in Alabama, it isn’t.’ ”

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8 hours ago, Bogie56 said:
 

But even with this latest defeat, some of the state’s residents, such as Chief Justice Roy Moore, of the Alabama Supreme Court, remained resolute in their fight to return to a time before electricity and indoor plumbing.

“The United States Supreme Court has decided that it is the twenty-first century,” Moore said on Monday. “I say, ‘Not in Alabama, it isn’t.’ ”

Reminds me of Phil Ochs' song, "Here's to the State of Mississippi," which sadly is not satire.

"Here's to the state of Mississippi,
For underneath her borders, the devil draws no lines,
If you drag her muddy river, nameless bodies you will find.
whoa the fat trees of the forest have hid a thousand crimes,
the calender is lyin' when it reads the present time.
Whoa here's to the land you've torn out the heart of,
Mississippi find yourself another country to be part of!"

 

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Six Weeks’ Paid Leave Opposed by People with Thirty-Three Weeks’ Paid Leave

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January 22, 2015
 
PHOTOGRAPH BY PABLO MARTINEZ MONSIVAISAP
PHOTOGRAPH BY PABLO MARTINEZ MONSIVAIS/AP

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—President Obama’s proposal to give workers six weeks of paid leave is meeting strong opposition from a group of people who annually receive thirty-three weeks of paid leave.

Members of the group heard the President’s proposal on Tuesday night, one of the few nights of the year when they are required to report to their workplace.

The opponents of paid leave, who show up for work a hundred and thirty-seven days per year and receive paid leave for the other two hundred and twenty-eight, were baffled by other moments in the President’s speech.

For example, they were confused by Obama’s challenge to try to survive on a full-time job that pays fifteen thousand dollars, since they all currently hold a part-time job that pays a hundred and seventy-four thousand dollars.

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