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The Borowitz Report

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Fox News Ends Ebola Coverage: “Our Work Is Done”

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November 5, 2014
 

Photo by Paul ZimmermanGetty Photo by Paul Zimmerman/Getty

 

NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report)–Fox News announced on Wednesday that it is terminating its coverage of the Ebola virus effective immediately, because, in the words of the host Sean Hannity, “Our work is done.”

Hannity commended the work of the Fox Ebola team, which provided non-stop coverage of the virus during the month of October, but added, “This story is officially over.”

Fox’s decision to bring its Ebola coverage to such an abrupt close raised eyebrows in media circles, but Hannity offered an explanation for the move after his broadcast concluded.

“There’s like, what, one case of Ebola in the United States?” the host said. “At most, two or three. The point is, the chances of any of our viewers catching Ebola are next to zero. We’re not in the business of scaring people for no reason. Let’s all move on.”

Hannity added that if there is an Ebola outbreak in the U.S., Fox would offer in-depth coverage of the crisis, probably in the fall of 2016.

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From October 2014

Midterms Prediction: Billionaires to Retain Control of Government

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October 28, 2014
 

Photograph by KAREN BLEIERAFPGetty Photograph by KAREN BLEIER/AFP/Getty

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—With just one week to go until the midterm elections, a new poll indicates that billionaires are likely to retain control of the United States government.

The poll, conducted by the University of Minnesota’s Opinion Research Institute, shows that the proxy candidates of billionaires are likely to win ninety-eight per cent of next Tuesday’s races, with the remaining two per cent leaning billionaire.

Although the poll indicates that some races are still “too close to call,” the fact that billionaires funded candidates on both sides puts the races safely in their column.

Davis Logsdon, who supervised the poll for the University of Minnesota, said that next Tuesday should be “a big night for oligarchs” and that both houses of Congress can be expected to grovel at the feet of their money-gushing paymasters for at least the next two years.

Calling the billionaires’ upcoming electoral romp “historic,” Logsdon said, “We have not seen the super-rich maintain such a vise-like grip on the government since the days immediately preceding the French Revolution.”

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G.O.P. Leader: Five Million Forced Back to Work Under Obama

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October 6, 2014
 

Photograph by Alex WongGetty Photograph by Alex Wong/Getty

 
 

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In a blistering indictment of the Administration's economic policies, the chairman of the Republican National Committee has accused President Obama of forcing five million Americans back to work since he took office, in 2009.

"When President Obama took office, there were five million Americans at home all day who are now, sadly, not at home," said Reince Priebus, on Sunday's edition of "Meet the Press." "They have to go to work five days a week and they're mad as hell about it."

He said that he expected G.O.P. candidates in the midterm elections to hammer away at the President's greatest vulnerability, which he called "the ugly side of employment."

"You don't take five million Americans, uproot them from their families, and make them leave their homes for eight hours a day," Priebus said. "This isn't a dictatorship. This is America."

He added that the President's failure on this issue has helped sharpen the Republican Party's message to voters. "If you're sick and tired of employment, vote for us," he said.

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Republicans Air Early Attack Ad on Newborn Clinton

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September 27, 2014
 

PHOTOGRAPH BY CRAIG RUTTLEAP PHOTOGRAPH BY CRAIG RUTTLE/AP

 

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) — A Republican Super pac defended the broadcast, on Saturday morning, of an attack ad highly critical of Hillary Clinton's newborn granddaughter, Charlotte, who was born on Friday.

The ad raises several serious questions about the newborn, at one point accusing her of being "related to Benghazi."

In criticizing a one-day-old infant, the ad is believed to be the earliest political attack ad on record.

"Charlotte Clinton Mezvinsky is fair game," a spokesman for the Americans Concerned About Charlotte Super pac said. "We have to assume that she is the presumptive Democratic nominee in 2052."

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Largest Climate-Change March in History Unlikely to Convince Idiots

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September 22, 2014
 
PHOTOGRAPH BY JOHN MINCHILLOAP FOR AVAAZ
PHOTOGRAPH BY JOHN MINCHILLO/AP FOR AVAAZ

NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report) – A climate-change march that organizers claim was the largest on record is nevertheless unlikely to change the minds of idiots, a survey of America’s idiots reveals.

Despite bringing attention to a position that is embraced by more than ninety per cent of the world’s scientists, the People’s Climate March, which took place on Sunday in New York City, left a broad majority of the nation’s idiots unconvinced.

“Look, if hundreds of thousands of people want to march about something, it’s a free country,” said Carol Foyler, an idiot from Kenosha, Wisconsin. “But let me ask them something: if the climate is really getting warmer, why was it so cold up here last winter?”

Harland Dorrinson, an idiot from Hollywood, Florida, was also unmoved by the message of Sunday’s march. “What these marchers don’t realize is that the planet goes through natural cycles of heating and cooling,” he said. “Blaming people for global warming is like blaming dinosaurs for the ice age.”

Skepticism about scientists characterized many of the idiots’ remarks, including those of Tracy Klugian, of Albuquerque, New Mexico. “Those marchers are holding signs that say ‘Scientists this, scientists that,’ ” he said. “Well, how can scientists be sure that the Earth was colder thousands of years ago, when no one had invented a thermometer?”

Klugian said he was confident that, despite the impressive numbers for Sunday’s march, idiots would prevail in the ongoing climate-change debate. “At the end of the day, there are more people like us in Congress,” he said.

 

 

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Growing Pressure on Obama to Do Something Stupid

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September 4, 2014
 
 
Photograph by Pete SouzaThe White House
Photograph by Pete Souza/The White House

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Arguing that his motto “Don’t do stupid stuff” is not a coherent foreign policy, critics of President Obama are pressuring him to do something stupid without further delay.

Sen. John McCain (R-Ariz) and Sen. Lindsey Graham (R-S.C.) led the attack on Thursday, blasting Obama for failing to craft a stupid response to crises in Iraq, Syria, and Ukraine.

“Instead of reacting to these events with the haste and recklessness they deserve, the President has chosen to waste valuable time thinking,” McCain said. “This goes against the most fundamental principles of American foreign policy.”

Graham also expressed frustration with the President, telling reporters, “The American people are waiting for President Obama to do something stupid, but their patience is wearing thin.”

In his most withering criticism, McCain called Obama’s “stubborn refusal to do stupid stuff” a failure of leadership. “If I were President, you can bet your bottom dollar I would have done plenty of stupid stuff by now,” he said.

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Church Founded in Sixth Century Has More Modern Views on Women Than Scalia

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July 14, 2014
Church Founded in Sixth Century Has More Modern Views on Women Than Scalia

LONDON (The Borowitz Report) - The Church of England, an institution whose origins date back to the sixth century A.D., has far more modern views about the rights of women than Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia, experts said today.

“In recognizing that women are the equals of men, the Church of England has embraced a position that is centuries ahead of Scalia’s,” Davis Logsdon, a professor of religion at the University of Minnesota, said. “This is a remarkable achievement, given that Scalia was born in 1936 and the Church began in the late five hundreds.”

But Dr. Carol Foyler, a history professor at the University of Sussex, took issue with that assessment. “I date the beginning of the Church of England to 1534, when it was officially established under Henry VIII,” she said. “But regardless of whether the Church is fourteen centuries old or five centuries old, it’s unquestionably more modern than Scalia.”

As for Justice Scalia, he seemed to dismiss the controversy, issuing a terse official statement Monday afternoon. “I do not keep up with the goings on of every newfangled institution,” he said.

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G.O.P.: Evil Mastermind Behind Benghazi Is Frail Old Woman With Brain Damage

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May 18, 2014
 
 
G.O.P. Evil Mastermind Behind Benghazi Is Frail Old Woman With Brain Damage

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton is an evil genius capable of masterminding the most elaborate cover-up in U.S. history and is also a frail old woman with brain damage, leading Republicans charged on Sunday.

Republican National Committee Chairman Reince Priebus led the attack while appearing on NBC’s “Meet the Press,” where he said that the American people should be wary of electing a woman who is capable of orchestrating the complex conspiracy to whitewash Benghazi while, at the same time, being too old, feeble, and brain damaged to serve in the Oval Office.

“These two aspects of Secretary Clinton would have me very concerned,” he said.

Mr. Priebus said he saw “no contradiction” between the portrayals of Secretary Clinton as an evil mastermind and a brain-damaged crone, explaining, “The one part of Secretary Clinton’s brain that works perfectly well is the part that creates elaborate cover-ups, and that is the part of her brain that is currently covering up the fact that she is brain damaged.”

The R.N.C. chairman said he was confident that once the American people realized Secretary Clinton is both an evil mastermind and a frail old woman with brain damage, they would reject her at the ballot box.

“The one thing the American people will not tolerate is double-talk,” he said.

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Rand Paul Proposes Reopening Just Enough of Government to Hold New Hearings on Benghazi

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October 15, 2013
 
Rand Paul Proposes Reopening Just Enough of Government to Hold New Hearings on Benghazi

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Adding his voice to the eleventh-hour debate about the government shutdown, Senator Rand Paul (R-Kentucky) today proposed reopening just enough of the government to hold new hearings on Benghazi.

“Across this great nation of ours, people are suffering,” he told Fox News’s Megyn Kelly. “Suffering, Megyn, because they still don’t know what really happened in Benghazi.”

Noting that the government shutdown had furloughed investigators who could be looking into Benghazi, he said, “If there’s something in our government more worthy of funding than that, I can’t think of it.”

Senator Paul said he knew that he would draw the ire of fellow Republicans by suggesting that the government be partially reopened, but added, “Sometimes, you have to put politics aside when there is something more important at stake, and I think any reasonable person would agree that there is nothing more important than getting to the bottom of Benghazi.”

“For the two weeks of this shutdown, the American people have had no new information about Benghazi,” he said. “It’s time to stop the madness.”

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Cruz: “The Dream of Keeping Poor People from Seeing a Doctor Must Never Die”

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October 16, 2013
 

Cruz The Dream of Keeping Poor People from Seeing a Doctor Must Never Die

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Acknowledging that the government shutdown was coming to an end, an emotional Sen. Ted Cruz (R-Texas) took to the Senate floor today to make an impassioned speech, telling his colleagues, “The dream of keeping poor people from seeing a doctor must never die.”

His eyes welling up with tears, Sen. Cruz said, “I embarked on this crusade with a simple goal: to keep affordable health care out of the reach of ordinary, hard-working Americans. And while this battle was lost, that dream—that precious, cherished dream—will live on.”

Reflecting on the government shutdown and near-default that almost touched off a global financial apocalypse, Sen. Cruz said, “We’ll give it another try in a few weeks.”

Sen. Cruz’s closest ally, Sen. Mike Lee (R-Utah) also spoke reverently of the shutdown, calling it “the most expensive Civil War reënactment in history.”

“Unfortunately, once again, the wrong side won,” he said.

Over in the House of Representatives, Speaker John Boehner (R-Ohio) congratulated his colleagues on the deal to resolve the shutdown, telling reporters, “This proves that when we work together, we can come up with a totally unsatisfactory solution to a completely unnecessary crisis.”

But the last word belonged to Sen. Cruz, who ended his emotional speech with a quiet benediction: “Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight noises everywhere.”

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Boehner Advises Americans to Delay Getting Cancer for a Year

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September 29, 2013
 
Boehner Advises Americans to Delay Getting Cancer for a Year

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In a special Sunday radio address, House Speaker John Boehner (R-Ohio) delivered a health tip to the American people, advising them to delay getting cancer for a year.

“We’re involved in a high-stakes fight over our freedom from centralized government control of our lives,” said Mr. Boehner, speaking on behalf of his House colleagues. “You can do your part by delaying getting cancer.”

He added that heart disease, emphysema, and diabetes were among a laundry list of conditions that would be “patriotic to avoid for a year.”

“If you delay getting any of these things for the next twelve months, together we will win this fight,” he said.

In closing, he reassured the American people that in the event of a government shutdown, members of Congress’ health benefits would remain intact: “We want to be in tip-top shape to continue to do the excellent job we’re doing for you.”

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Fox News: Obama in Plot to Force Americans to Live Longer

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September 27, 2013
 
Fox News Obama in Plot to Force Americans to Live Longer

NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report)—In a blockbuster documentary to be broadcast tonight, the Fox News Channel alleges that Obamacare is “little more than a thinly veiled scheme to force Americans to live longer.”

The documentary, called “The Ugly Truth About Obamacare,” claims that President Obama “is cynically using the health-care law to achieve his true objective: raising the life expectancy of Americans without their consent.”

“In America, how long you live has always been your own business,” says the documentary’s narrator, Sean Hannity. “Under Obamacare, though, it’s the government’s business—a government that wants you to live as long as humanly possible.”

The documentary lays out a nightmare scenario of Americans being saddled with sky-high life expectancies for years to come.

In perhaps the most chilling prediction of the documentary, Mr. Hannity warns, “If Obamacare goes into effect, Americans will be forced to live as long as people in Finland, Denmark, and other socialist countries.”

Speaking with reporters today, Mr. Hannity said he hoped that the documentary would be a “wake-up call about the secret agenda behind Obamacare.”

“President Obama is playing God with American lives,” Mr. Hannity said. “And if he stubbornly insists on making those lives longer, that could be grounds for impeachment.”

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House Republicans Line Up for Free Annual Physicals Before Defunding Obamacare

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September 20, 2013
 
House Republicans Line Up for Free Annual Physicals Before Defunding Obamacare

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Saying that they needed to be in peak physical condition for their looming effort to defund Obamacare, over a hundred House Republicans lined up for their free annual physicals today.

The physicals, part of Congress’s government-subsidized health-care package, yielded good news for many of the House G.O.P., who learned that they were strong and healthy enough for the demanding task of defunding Obamacare.

“My blood pressure was lower than I thought it would be,” said Rep. Jim Jordan (R-Ohio). “That’s amazing, because it goes through the roof whenever I think about how Obamacare would destroy America.”

House Majority Leader Eric Cantor (R-Virginia)—whose free annual physical included an examination of his heart, lungs, ears, eyes, throat, and blood—said that his doctor proclaimed him in perfect physical condition: “He said I should be able to live a long, healthy life and defund Obamacare for many years to come.”

Rep. Cantor added that he had lost a few pounds since last year’s free annual physical, as he headed to lunch before defunding food stamps.

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Republicans Question Whether Obama Could Handle Actual Scandal

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May 21, 2013
Republicans Question Whether Obama Could Handle Actual Scandal

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—President Obama’s handling of controversies about the I.R.S., the Justice Department, and Benghazi has raised “grave doubts” about his ability to cope if he ever became involved in an actual scandal, prominent Republicans said today.

“If this is how he handles this stuff, Lord have mercy on him if he ever has to deal with a real scandal,” said newly elected Rep. Mark Sanford (R-S. Carolina). “Quite frankly, I don’t think he has what it takes.”

“The true test of a leader is this,” Rep. Sanford added. “When he gets in a fix, does he have the presence of mind to lie about his whereabouts? Sadly, I don’t think President Obama passes that test.”

Mr. Sanford’s concerns mirror those of another leading Republican lawmaker, Sen. David Vitter (R-Louisiana).

“If President Obama honestly thinks he’s dealing with scandals right now, I’m pretty sure he doesn’t know what a scandal is,” Sen. Vitter said. “And that’s very worrisome.”

“When you get that three A.M. phone call, and it’s a reporter claiming that a prostitute said you like to dress up in a diaper, are you prepared for that call?” Sen. Vitter said. “In the case of President Obama, I am afraid that the answer is no.”

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Republicans: Obama Must Take Action in Syria So We Can Criticize Action He Took in Syria

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April 29, 2013
 
Republicans Obama Must Take Action in Syria So We Can Criticize Action He Took in Syria

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—A growing chorus of Republican lawmakers are demanding that President Obama take some action in Syria so that they can attack whatever action he took in Syria.

Appearing on CBS’s “Face the Nation” on Sunday, Sen. Lindsey Graham (R-South Carolina) laid out the situation in stark terms: “The time for President Obama to do something in Syria that we can eviscerate him for is long overdue.”

Arguing that there are a variety of options available to Mr. Obama for dealing with Syria, Sen. Graham said, “The President needs to choose one of those options so that we can immediately identify it as a catastrophic choice and demand that he be impeached.”

Sen. John McCain (R-Arizona) used an appearance on NBC’s “Meet the Press” to express impatience with Mr. Obama’s “steadfast refusal to give us something new to rake him over the coals for.”

“The American people have grown weary of my nonstop criticism of the President’s handling of Libya,” he said. “They are ready to hear me incessantly berate him for his handling of a different country.”

At the end of his television appearance, Sen. McCain seemed to draw a line in the sand, making a direct challenge to Mr. Obama: “Mr. President, we are sick and tired of attacking you for your inaction. The time has come for us to attack you for your action.”

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Fox News to Shut Down for Routine Maintenance Monday Morning at 11:30

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By Andy BorowitzJanuary 19, 2013

 
Fox News to Shut Down for Routine Maintenance Monday Morning at 1130

NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report)—Fox News Channel announced today that it would shut down for what it called “routine maintenance” Monday morning at 11:30 E.T.

Fox News president Roger Ailes explained the timing of the shutdown, which will be the first in the history of the network: “We wanted to pick a time when we were positive nothing would be happening that our viewers would want to see.”

Mr. Ailes said that Fox had considered shutting down only once before, exactly four years earlier on January 20, 2009, and later regretted the decision to continue broadcasting that day: “It turned out that no Fox viewers wanted to watch TV that day. And I mean none.”

According to Mr. Ailes, for the twelve hours Fox News is off the air on Monday the network will broadcast a continuous photomontage of white people.
“Regular viewers of Fox probably won’t notice anything unusual,” he said.

After the routine maintenance is completed, Mr. Ailes said, Fox News will return to the air Tuesday morning with its regular broadcast schedule: “For Fox viewers, it will be like Monday never happened.”

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Republicans Praise Obama for Offering Bold Vision to Thwart

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January 21, 2013
Republicans Praise Obama for Offering Bold Vision to Thwart

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Congressional Republicans heaped fulsome praise on President Obama’s second Inaugural Address today, saying that it had given them a detailed list of things to thwart over the next four years.

“My big fear was that the speech would be full of vague platitudes that wouldn’t be helpful to us in plotting against him,” said House Speaker John Boehner (R-Ohio). “Once he started offering details of what he actually hoped to accomplish, though, I realized we had hit the mother lode.”

Speaker Boehner praised the President for citing such specifics as hiring math and science teachers, building roads, and reducing health-care costs: “Now that we know that’s what he’s got in mind for his second term, we can hit the ground running to stop him.”

“My takeaway from the speech was, if we work hard enough, there’s nothing we can’t keep him from doing,” he said.

Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-Kentucky) praised Mr. Obama for injecting humor into a usually somber address: “I loved that joke about ending political name-calling.”

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Billionaires Warn Higher Taxes Could Prevent Them From Buying Politicians

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December 9, 2012
 
Billionaires Warn Higher Taxes Could Prevent Them From Buying Politicians

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Introducing a new wrinkle into the already fraught fiscal cliff showdown, a consortium of billionaires today warned that if their taxes are raised they will no longer have enough money to buy politicians.

The group, led by casino billionaire Sheldon Adelson, commissioned a new study showing that the cost of an average politician has soared exponentially over the past decade.

While the American family has seen increases in the cost of food, health care and education, Mr. Adelson says, “those costs don’t compare with the cost of buying a politician, which has gone through the roof.”

The casino billionaire points to his group’s study, which puts the cost of purchasing an average House member at two million dollars and an average senator at several times that.

“And let’s say you buy a senator like Jim DeMint and he decides to quit,” Mr. Adelson says. “Good luck trying to get your money back.”

The Vegas magnate complains that the media has ignored billionaires’ essential role in giving jobs to politicians who would otherwise have difficulty finding “honest work of any kind.”

“Billionaires are providing employment for a group of seriously incompetent and marginal people,” Mr. Adelson says. “You raise taxes on us, and who’s going to create those jobs? I really don’t think people have thought this through.”

Adding insult to injury for America’s billionaires, he says, “the simple dream of someday owning a President is slipping out of reach.”

“People think a billion dollars buys you a President, but they’re wrong,” he says. “It barely gets you a lemon like Mitt Romney.”

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Romney Supports Woman’s Right to Choose What She Makes for Dinner

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October 22, 2012
 
Romney Supports Womans Right to Choose What She Makes for Dinner

BOCA RATON, Fla. (The Borowitz Report)—With just hours to go until the third and final Presidential debate, Republican nominee Mitt Romney today voiced his support “for a woman’s most precious right: to choose what she makes for dinner.”

In a bid designed to close the gender gap in the race, the former Massachusetts Governor pledged “on Day One” to give women full control over meal planning and preparation.

“Pot roast, meatloaf, duck a l’orange—as long as it’s piping hot and on the table when her husband comes home, I don’t care what a gal makes,” he told supporters.

Mr. Romney also unveiled his latest immigration proposal, which would allow immigrants to become citizens “by going to fight in Iran.”

The nominee’s campaign manager, Matt Rhoades, said that tonight Mr. Romney hopes to improve upon his performance in the second debate, in which he slipped and told the truth three times.

“That was surprising for Mitt,” he said. “But even Michael Jordan missed a layup now and then.”

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Santorum Makes Campaign Swing Through Seventeenth Century

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June 19, 2012

THE SEVENTEENTH CENTURY (The Borowitz Report)—In an effort to underscore his core beliefs leading up to this Tuesday night’s primary contests, former Senator Rick Santorum made a campaign swing through the seventeenth century today.

At the first stop of his ambitious journey, Mr. Santorum restated his reason for seeking the White House: “I am running for President today because the position of Spanish Inquisitor is no longer available.”

The former Pennsylvania senator served up red meat to his seventeenth-century supporters, telling them, “Since we all agree that contraception is a bad idea, it’s time to take a harder look at electricity and soap.”

Mr. Santorum, who said that in his first day in office he would repeal the Age of Enlightenment, stressed that he had home-schooled all seven of his children: “That means there are at least eight people in this country who don’t understand evolution.”

In a lighter moment, Senator Santorum told his audience what he said was his favorite joke: “A Kenyan, a Muslim, and a socialist walk into a bar. And then he makes everyone get an abortion.”

Elsewhere on the campaign trail, former House Speaker Newt Gingrich scored points with this comment on education: “We should leave no child behind, only wives.”

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An Argument Against Health Care from the National Alliance of Funeral Directors

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June 15, 2012
 

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—The following message was released today by the National Alliance of Funeral Directors:

This week, several Republican Supreme Court Justices have argued that the Affordable Care Act supported by the Obama Administration is unconstitutional. At the National Alliance of Funeral Directors, we couldn’t agree more.

It was Revolutionary War hero Patrick Henry who said, in 1775, “Give me liberty or give me death.” From that moment on, legal scholars have agreed that the Constitution guarantees every American the liberty to be dead. Here at the Alliance, we will fight for your right to be dead to the death.

Let’s take a look, if you will, at the Second Amendment of the Constitution, which protects every American’s right to shoot another American. It says nothing about giving the person who is shot health insurance to prevent him from dying. This cherished constitutional right to shoot people and make them dead is currently recognized in all fifty states, most recently Florida.

In commenting on the Affordable Care Act this week, Justice Samuel Alito compared the Obama health-care plan to burial insurance. Coincidentally, burial insurance is the Republican health-care plan, and one that we enthusiastically support. Under this plan, every American would be mandated to buy a coffin from one of our member-owned and -operated funeral homes. May we recommend the Peaceful Valley Royale, a luxury mahogany casket with sienna satin interior and the finest imitation antique nickel handles ($2,899).

As the organization representing America’s funeral directors, gravediggers, embalmers and cremators, we are confident that the Supreme Court will ultimately do the right thing and decide that health care flies in the face of every American’s constitutional right to the pursuit of deadness. And when they do, we’ll be waiting for you.

Sincerely,

The National Alliance of Funeral Directors

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Satire from The Borowitz Report

Trump Vows to Ban Coronavirus Vaccine If Obama Invented It

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June 26, 2020
 

Donald Trump speaks to reporters outside the White House. Photograph by Stefani Reynolds / Bloomberg / Getty

 

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Donald J. Trump on Friday threatened to ban a coronavirus vaccine if it turns out that it was invented by former President Barack Obama.

Trump’s threat took members of the White House press corps aback, since there are no reports to date of Obama attempting to invent a vaccine or any other pharmaceutical.

Trump acknowledged that he was not aware of any such activities on Obama’s part, but warned that, if the former President succeeded in inventing a coronavirus vaccine, “I’m not going to let that happen.”

“If Obama came up with a vaccine, it would only be to make me look bad,” he said. “Well, guess what? I’m not going to let him get away with something cute like that. We’re going to move quite powerfully on anything Obama does in terms of a vaccine.”

Trump added that, if former Vice-President Joe Biden is elected President in November, “It wouldn’t surprise me one bit if he approved a vaccine Obama invented, just to spite me.”

“Obama and Biden, they’re like two peas in a pod,” Trump said. “If you want a vaccine, vote for Biden. It’ll serve you right.”

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Satire from The Borowitz Report

Trump Freaks Out After Giant Statue of Obama Suddenly Appears on White House Lawn

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July 7, 2020
 

The silhouette of former United States President Barack Obama. Photograph from Picture Alliance / Alamy

 

WASHINGTON, D.C. (The Borowitz Report)—Donald Trump “totally freaked out” on Tuesday morning, after a gigantic statue of the former President Barack Obama appeared on the White House lawn overnight, sources have confirmed.

Trump first discovered the statue, which stands approximately thirty feet tall, when he awoke to see the sculptural rendering of Obama’s face staring at him through his bedroom window.

Shaken, Trump immediately summoned his Secret Service detail to escort him down to the White House bunker, where he unsuccessfully tried to steady his nerves.

At 7 a.m., an emergency meeting of top White House advisers was convened, during which an increasingly agitated Trump demanded to know the origin of the mysterious Obama behemoth.

Trump, who theorized that the gargantuan statue had been placed on the White House grounds by either George Soros or Jeff Bezos, ordered that the imposing monument to his predecessor be torn down and disposed of at once.

Reached by reporters at his home, Obama said that he “wasn’t sure” that he deserved a statue, especially such a large one, but expressed surprise at Trump’s decision to tear it down.

“It’s not like him,” Obama said. “He cares so much about history.”

Obama’s words did little to calm Trump, however, who reportedly ordered the Secret Service to foil any plot to deposit a giant statue of Hillary Clinton on the White House lawn.

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Satire from The Borowitz Report

Pence Accused of Taking Trump’s Coronavirus Tests for Him

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July 8, 2020
 

US President Donald Trump listens to US Vice President Mike Pence speak. Photograph by Mandel Ngan / AFP / Getty

 

WASHINGTON, D.C. (The Borowitz Report)—In a scandal that threatens to upend Donald Trump’s Presidency, a new book accuses Trump of paying Vice-President Mike Pence to take his coronavirus tests for him.

According to the book, “Swapping Swabs: Trump’s Pandemic of Lies,” when the subject of being tested for the virus first came up, in March, Trump started casting about for a “good test-taker” to substitute for him.

Trump considered several candidates for the ruse, including his son-in-law, Jared Kushner, and the Attorney General, William Barr, but ultimately settled on Pence, who agreed to take the tests for the fee of twenty-five dollars per result.

Reportedly, Pence initially balked at the proposal, expressing concern that it “would look bad” if the truth about his taking Trump’s coronavirus tests came out, but Trump brusquely shut him down.

“I’ve never taken my own tests, and I’m not going to start now,” Trump allegedly snapped.

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In Major Setback for Trump, Court Rules He May Send Troops Only to Cities He Can Identify on Map

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July 22, 2020
 

President Donald Trump sitting at the Resolute Desk looking unhappy off to the side Photograph by Anna Moneymaker / EPA-EFE / Shutterstock

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In what is widely seen as a major setback for Donald J. Trump, a federal district court has ruled that he may send Department of Homeland Security agents only to cities that he can correctly identify on a map.

According to the ruling, before Trump can deploy forces to any American city, he must first indicate their intended destination on an unmarked map and cannot let anyone else take this test for him.

White House sources said that, after the ruling was announced, a furious Trump repaired to the Oval Office with a map of the United States and a Sharpie.

After hovering his marker over the map for more than an hour, Trump finally brought it down on what he thought was Detroit but was, in actuality, East Hampton, New York.

In East Hampton, a town board member, Carol Foyler, expressed concern about Trump’s decision to send D.H.S. agents to the beach community.

“At this time of year, I think it will be next to impossible for them to find a rental,” she said.

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