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Trump Signs Executive Order Banning Month of November

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July 31, 2020
 

U.S. President Donald Trump signs an executive order. Photograph by Cooper Neill / Bloomberg / Getty

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Donald Trump stirred controversy on Friday by signing an executive order that would ban the month of November.

While legal scholars protested that he did not have the right to reduce the number of months in a year from twelve to eleven, Trump argued that “the Constitution doesn’t say anything about how many months you have to have.”

“All of those smart guys like Jefferson and Madison, those beauties, this is something they didn’t think of,” he said. “I got them on the months.”

Trump said that eliminating November from the calendar was “long overdue,” calling it “a rigged month.”

“November is a hoax,” he said. “Some people say it may not even be a real month.”

Responding to a reporter’s question about the future of Thanksgiving, Trump said that “nobody will miss it.”

“Just ask anyone in this country,” he said. “Nobody has anything to be thankful for.”

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Melania Trump to Read Passages from Her Best-Selling Book, “Becoming”

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August 25, 2020
 

U.S. First Lady Melania Trump speaks. Photograph by Yuri Gripas / Abaca / Sipa / AP

 

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Melania Trump gave a sneak preview of her speech at the 2020 Republican National Convention by revealing that she would be reading passages from her best-selling memoir, “Becoming.”

“I asked myself, what’s the best way for people to learn more about me?” Melania told reporters at the White House. “The answer came loud and clear: my book be best.”

Trump said that she had chosen passages from her book that describe her childhood in Chicago and her education at Harvard Law School.

“I am going to be introducing the American people to a Melania they never knew, Chicago lawyer lady,” she said.

She said that, unlike in 2016, she was not concerned about what critics might say about her R.N.C. speech this year. “When they get low, we get high,” she said.

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