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The worst thing about this film (and trust me, there are plenty of things from which to choose) is the absolutely horrible music score, and I use the phrase loosely. The credit is given to Hoyt Curtin. The score consists of a Spanish guitar and a piano, with the same themes played over and over and over and over. I kept expecting to see Buddy Greco or some flamenco dancers. This was worse than being waterboarded while having to listen to Keith Olbermann.

Now on to the rest of the film. The narration is provided by Lyle Talbot. Strike one. The main character is a mad scientist played by Jackie Coogan. Strike two. The film bogs down immediately and becomes an extreme bore for most of its 67 minutes. "Grab some bench," as baseball announcer Ken "Hawk" Harrelson would say.

Chris-Pin Martin and some other guy who is only onscreen for a few minutes discover Robert Knapp and Paula Hill (yeah, I never heard of them either) wandering around the desert. Martin is wasted in a small role ... he is named "Pepe," which shows no imagination. If the writers had named him something like "Pants de Leon," then they'd be on to something. Anyway, Knapp mutters something about giant spiders in the desert. If he had seen giant ants and waited another year, this could have been the plot for a more famous movie. Now Knapp begins his story, except there is one problem. We have to sit through am earlier story before we get to Knapp's story.

Jackie Coogan is almost unrecognizable as Dr. Aranya, which apparently is Spanish for "spider." He is conducting experiments on women and spiders, with mixed results. He has worse results with men - they become midgets. Into this junior high school science laboratory comes Dr. Leland Masterson, played by Harmon Stevens (yeah, I never heard of him either). Coogan seems surprised when Dr. Masterson doesn't approve of the experiments, so after five minutes, Masterson is down for the count and ends up in an insane asylum. He escapes, and, incredibly, now carries a gun and a lot of money. He stumbles into a cantina, where he meets two people who are about to fly off and get married. He shoots a dancer (Tandra Quinn - yeah, I never heard of her either), who happens to be one of Coogan's "spider chicks," then "convinces" the couple to take him to their plane. The pilot, played by Robert Knapp (yeah, I never heard of him either - oh wait, he was the guy in the desert), is rightly perturbed, but takes on this new passenger. The plane promptly crashes in the middle of nowhere ... well, actually, not far from Coogan's funhouse. For the next 30 minutes, we get 'talk talk talk,' as FredCDobbs would say. The future bride (Paula Hill - are you getting all the connections now???) develops the hots for Knapp, which is no surprise since the future groom is much older and not very good-looking. The old guy gets bumped off by a spider on steroids. Eventually, the rest of the cast end up in Coogan's laboratory, where a now-sane Dr. Masterson saves the day.

Tandra Quinn is worth watching only because she has great looks. She has no lines, slinks around, does her dance for about 5 minutes, all to the accompaniment of the horrid music score. Her character is named Tarantella - hey, "Tarantella," do you get it? Do ya???

"I am not opening my eyes again until you fix your damn belt!"

Jackie Coogan shows off his new glasses, courtesy of LensBlasters.

"The plane! The plane!"

Morticia discovers the cure for H1N1, while Paul Henreid looks on.

Henry Silva approaches Jackie Coogan with "I ask for job."

The late tv journalist Howard K. Smith falls off the wagon.

Alright, maybe I can watch 67 minutes of this.

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