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  • 1 month later...

She Devil (1957)

Directed by Kurt Neumann


Jack Kelly plays a doctor who thinks he can cure all disease if he can get the human body to adapt to anything. Since insects seem to have the most power to adapt, Kelly explains his theory to a fellow doctor, played by Albert Dekker:  “I used fruit flies. I putrefied the bodies, injected a cow, and produced the serum. After clarifying with albumin, operating in vacuum and rectifying with alcohol –“but Decker cuts him off with “Never mind the technique now.”  Thank you. Kelly has already experimented on several animals, and is now ready to test his serum on a human.  Dekker isn’t so thrilled with the idea, but when a terminal tuberculosis patient comes along, Dekker consents to have Kelly work his magic.


In short order, the patient, played by Mari Blanchard, gets well … too well.  She can’t be harmed, can transform her hair color at will from black to blonde and back again, and turns into a first class b****. Yum.  Kelly is smitten, while Dekker pretty much keeps stating the medical equivalent of “I think we effed this up.”


Kelly and Dekker throw a coming out party for Blanchard, and one of the guests (John Archer) gets an eyeful of the dame. He hits on her while his wife watches.  The wife calls Blanchard a trollop (or “ho,” in modern parlance) and cracks her one across the cheek. Shortly thereafter, exit the wife.  And shortly thereafter, Archer has a new wife. And shortly thereafter, Blanchard gets bored with Archer. And shortly thereafter – well, you know where this is heading.


Dekker finally figures out a way to anesthetize Blanchard; he uses the basic fact that no organism can exist in its own waste. (Don’t worry;  they are not going to back up the toilets.)  Anyway, they are able to operate on Blanchard, and remove her pineal gland, which apparently has too much pineal stuff in it. Now her fate is left to a higher power (the film’s producer).


Despite the overall silliness, the movie does present an interesting idea. This film was based on the short story “The Adaptive Ultimate,” which is clever and took me all of ten minutes to read.   There is also a 30-minute radio dramatization from 1949, available on the internet.


This film works mainly because of Blanchard and her YOWZA factor. She seems to be having the time of her life. Every one of her entrances is announced by the same saxophone theme. She sashays all over the place in tight outfits and is sexy as all get out, whatever that means. Kelly acts stupid most of the time; however, I would imagine that’s how most guys would act around Blanchard. Dekker gets a little irritating with his constant philosophizing and “we must do something” attitude as cast members are dropping like flies. Also, he wears a bad bowtie and his hairpiece is ridiculous. For fans of the “Addams Family” tv series, Kelly and Dekker’s housekeeper is played by Blossom Rock, aka, “Grandmama.”







Blanchard gets overwhelmed reciting the Pledge of Allegiance.





“Officer, does this dress make me look fat?”





“I just want to go over the possible side effects for this new serum. It may cause explosive diarrhea, vomiting, ulcers, hair loss, and an erection that lasts for more than four hours.”





“Now take Bonzo here. Just an ordinary chimp, but after getting my serum, he became Commissioner of the Internal Revenue Service.”




“Dear, this might be a bad time to mention this, but I forgot to pay the car insurance.”





If this isn’t a good enough reason to watch the film, I don’t know what the hell is.


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  • 2 weeks later...

The Disembodied (1957)

Directed by Walter Grauman


This film is not to be confused with The Disemboweled, which is what should have happened to everyone associated with this t u r d.


Any semblance of reality goes out the window when we immediately learn that statuesque Allison Hayes is married to jungle psychologist John Wengraf, who is approximately 500 years her senior. Too bad it’s never revealed how he bagged her, because I’d really like to know. Hayes jerks him around (with her voodoo dolls, that is) until three white men come to the Congo Condo. Their leader, played by pretty boy Paul Burke, informs the doc that one of his partners has been mauled by a lion. Hey, dude, there are eight million stories in the Naked Jungle … and this one ain’t of interest.  Wengraf can’t do much with the wounded man, but Hayes sneaks off, strips down, and does a voodoo dance, plunging a knife into a chicken. The chicken is then served at the local Kenya Fried Chicken.  The next day, Burke’s partner is healed, but one of the natives has gone belly up, apparently mauled by a lion. Hmm – coincidence, or just lousy script writing?  Burke investigates and discovers the native’s heart has been cut out. He then deduces that no lion could have done that. Thank you, Sherlock.


In short order, Hayes sets her sights and her tastebuds on Burke, and tries to convince him that Wengraf is looney.  Burke almost buys it, because, after all, when a babe like Hayes is playing tonsil hockey with you, you’ll pretty much swallow anything.  The rest of the film involves various members of the supporting cast getting knifed, choked, and speared … and that’s by the audience.


The normally seductive Hayes can’t save this picture. She looks bored to death, even when she’s making out with three different guys (not at the same time, mind you – that would have made the film more interesting, at least).  Her dance numbers are not very suggestive, and the bongo accompaniment made me want to gag. The sets are cheap and phony. The clock on Wengraf’s wall stays at 12 for the entire picture. The natives are silly stereotypes, constantly referring to themselves by their names when they speak: “Suba get doctor. Suba get water. Suba get paid for acting in this pile of do-do.”




“This was no boat accident! Did you notify the Coast Guard about this?”




Hayes shows her rod to a guy, instead of the guy … well, you know.



A rare still from the unreleased Saturday Night Jungle Fever.



“Let’s not jump the gun. This could be some new type of shish kebab.”





“Come on, this one film won’t affect your career that much.”




Hayes reacts to the news that she’s just been given the lead in Attack of the 50 Foot Woman.


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  • 2 months later...

Night of the Blood Beast (1958)

Directed by Bernard Kowalski


Another cheapie from producer Roger Corman.


An astronaut (Michael Emmet) is killed when his ship crashes to earth. Despite his last recording that his velocity was over 6000 miles per hour, his body is in remarkably good shape when he is found.  In fact, his blood pressure is normal, and so is his body temperature. Blood tests reveal there is some strange “bacterioid” in his body.  Meanwhile, the lab where the rescue team is holding him is hit with a power failure. Unfortunately, there is still enough light to make the film. In short order, the attending doctor, played by Tyler McVey, is found hanging upside down with half his head removed.  Then Emmet rises from the dead, which is a scenario not covered by the Affordable Care Act.  A fluoroscope reveals aliens growing inside his body. So relax, as least it’s not ebola.


Apparently Emmet is in contact with a creature who hitched a ride on the ship (literally, “on” the ship). Emmet claims the creature is not dangerous and is only here to help.  Famous last words.  Eventually, Emmet leads the others to a cave, where the creature now speaks with McVey’s voice.  I guess that’s why part of McVey’s head was missing. The creature explains:  “For centuries we have been circling your Earth, waiting for a means to penetrate your atmosphere.   Your projectile was the first to provide a means of entry. Those before were not retractable, and burned as they fell back to Earth.” Freud could write a book about that quote.


Eventually the creature is destroyed by Molotov cocktails, although it would have been preferable if everyone associated with this film had drunk them instead.


The only recognizable member of the cast is Ed Nelson, pre “Peyton Place.”  The two women, Angela Greene and Giorgianna Carter, did nothing for me, but maybe that’s because they were dressed in jumpsuits.   Emmet shows off his hairy chest, which is not a pretty sight. The alien, which is quite stupid-looking, is played by Ross Sturlin, whose major claim to fame was playing a leech in Attack of the Giant Leeches.  So playing this monster was somewhat of an improvement. By the way, I have absolutely no idea what the title of this film means.




“Don’t worry, my dear. This small head attached to my arm will not affect our relationship.”





“Geez, you need a John Deere to cut that thing.”





I’m no gastroenterologist, but there is some serious **** going in on in this guy’s stomach.5zLd32d.png



“Oh my God!!  His shadow should be on the other wall!”





You may think this is someone’s blood, but it’s actually the breakfast buffet at Motel 6.





These Jimmy Durante backpacks never quite caught on.


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  • 1 month later...

I Was a Teenage Frankenstein (1957)

Directed by Herbert L. Strock


Character actor Whit Bissell gets top billing as Dr. Frankenstein, a descendant of the Dr. Frankenstein.  Bissell, just in from his native England and with no trace of a British accent, lectures his colleagues on his radical ideas of sewing assorted parts together to form a human being.  Naturally, these idiots cannot comprehend his genius, which is precisely how I feel every time I lecture.


Bissell engages a physics professor (Robert Burton) to help with his experiments. Coincidentally, moments later, there is a terrible car crash right outside Bissell’s house.  Bissell and Burton abscond with one of the corpses. Burton feels squeamish, but Bissell reminds him that with the terrible wreck and bodies burned beyond recognition, no one will ever notice a body is missing. Apparently, these two clowns have never seen an episode of “Forensic Files.” They store the body in Bissell’s private morgue, where Bissell explains that he keeps a collection of spare parts. NAPA has nothing on this guy. The next day, Bissell saws off two hands and a leg from the carcass. He disposes of these appendages by feeding them to his alligator. But apparently Bissell has just run out of replacement parts. In another coincidence, a plane full of athletes has just crashed.  So Bissell picks up two hands from a wrestler and one leg from a football player, and voila – a monster who talks like Gary Conway is born.  Bissell coaxes Conway to articulate:


“Speak, you’ve got a civil tongue in your head, I know you have because I sewed it back myself.”


Conway has one major problem.  (Actually, he has several, seeing as how he is made up of miscellaneous people parts.)  His face is disfigured, so he has to remain in the basement. But he manages to wander out one night, and there is the obligatory “Peeping Monster” scene when some blonde chick decides to prance around in a nightgown while her curtains are open. These babes never learn.


All this is happening under the nose and breasts of the lovely Phyllis Coates, who plays Bissell’s live-in nurse/assistant/booty call. (Well, maybe this belongs in the sci-fi thread.)  Coates is busy planning their wedding, while Bissell is busy cutting and pasting.  Eventually Coates figures out what is going on, which means it will soon be mealtime for the alligator. Bissell explains her absence to Burton by saying she is “gone, disappeared. ‘Ah perfidy, thy name is woman.’ Quit me cold … Isn’t that the way of women?  To make us poor men suffer for their blunders.”  Shakespeare would be annoyed, and Debbie Wasserman Schultz  would be pi**ed.


Bissell and Conway go out looking for a face and find the ideal one:  Conway’s.  Conway’s face is grafted onto Conway’s body and now, incredibly, he looks just like Conway.  But another problem arises. Everyone in the area will recognize Conway’s face (including the cast of Burke’s Law), so Bissell comes up with an ingenious plan to get Conway out of the country. Since he put Conway together, he will simply disassemble Conway, ship the parts to England, and reassemble him there.  This reminds me of the directions in my old car manuals: “Installation is the reverse of removal.”


I have to give credit to Bissell for attempting to portray the romantic lead, mad scientist, and Shakespeare aficionado.  It doesn’t work, but he tried.  Burton serves mainly as a punching bag. Coates is not too believable as the naïve fiancée, but she’s fun to look at. Conway is good-looking and muscle bound, which is another way of saying he shows no acting talent. Paul Dunlap’s score is irritating and loud, with someone pounding the piano keys into submission.




Mil Mascaris prepares for his steel cage match.





Conway is upset to discover that his multiple operations are not covered by the ACA.





“I gave up a wonderful job on The Adventures of Superman just to appear in this crap?”





“Stop calling me ‘Bones’! It’s insulting!”





When your head is stuck up the a** of a corpse, your acting career has reached its nadir.





“He’s rehearsing for the part of a tennis player on Land of the Giants.”


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  • 1 year later...

Flesh Feast (1970)

Directed by Brad F. Grinter


Every aging actress should be required to watch this film, so they will be convinced to retire.


1940s starlet Veronica Lake stars as Dr. Elaine Frederick, a scientist who has discovered that if you feed maggots human tissue (preferably fresh tissue) and then place those maggots on a live human, the skin rejuvenates fast. So who needs that skin cream crap they sell on QVC?  Her talents are now in demand by some mysterious people, who are not actors. Some of these clowns appear to be German, while others appear to be South American.  And they are all waiting for the experiment to be done on their aged “commander,” who shows up in the last few minutes for a skin treatment. Guess who he is.


There are several young women in the cast, but I could not figure out what parts they were playing. One is a nurse, but she seemed to be working undercover for a guy who looked like Bill O’Reilly with a mustache. Another babe works directly with the O’Reilly character. Two other dames live with Lake; one is a bit looney and the other is just for set decoration.


In the riveting finale, Lake informs Adolf, who is strapped down, that the Nazis used her mother as a guinea pig for these same experiments. “Are you inzane?” cries Hitler. “I had nuzzing to do wit it! It vuz Eichmann ... und Goebbels!"  Lake sprinkles what appears to be parmesan cheese on his face and laughs hysterically. This led to the discovery of Adolf’s Meat Tenderizer.


I suppose this film has some camp value, if it’s concentration camp we’re talking. Lake looks like an aged  version of Veda Ann Borg. The only good looking chick in the cast is choked. The maggots perform admirably, and earned a special Oscar for “Best Short Subject.” One of the “actresses” is named Yanka Mann, which is a name more suited for the adult film industry.




This is one instance when “I sawed her” is grammatically correct.







Try turning to your left, dimwit.







Bill O’Reilly works on his latest book, “Killing Veronica Lake.”







A rare still from the unreleased So Proudly We Heil.



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  • 1 month later...

She Demons (1958)
Directed by Richard E. Cunha


Nazis, a mad scientist, a volcanic eruption, and Irish McCalla. What could possibly go wrong here?


Our story begins with hurricane footage, and we are told that the daughter of a rich corporate executive has gone missing in a boat. I don’t know the name of the guy who announces all this, but if you watched tv in the 60s, you heard him say on many occasions “A Quinn Martin Production.” Anyway, next thing we know, we see the occupants of the boat on a supposedly deserted island. The rich chick is played by the statuesque Irish McCalla, famous as the star of the 1950s tv series “Sheena, Queen of the Jungle.” Here, she trades her leopard skin for white blouse and shorts, and her adventurous character for a whining spoiled ****. Accompanying her are Tod Griffin, Victor Sen Yung, and some other guy who eventually gets shish kebabbed, so we’ll ignore him. Sen Yung intercepts a radio broadcast which says the island is going to be bombed by planes for target practice. (Had they bombed the island immediately, we would have been spared about 70 minutes of crap.) After a perilous trek through the jungle, where McCalla is threatened by a snake ten feet away from her, they settle down for the night. McCalla takes off her clothes behind a blanket. Even this did not impress me. Soon, they hear drums, and upon investigation, find a bunch of scantily clad dames dancing. Enter hefty Gene Roth in a Gestapo uniform, accompanied by some storm troopers (who wear neckties – hey, those Germans know how to dress.) Roth rounds up the dames and brings them to some cages, chastising them for trying to escape. Now, tell me, if you are trying to escape, do you take the time to stage a dance, with full brass and percussion accompaniment?


Our three borderline-stars find a door in the middle of nowhere, which turns out to be a laboratory. Roth surprises them, and he and Griffin slug it out. Actually, their stunt triples slug it out – their stunt doubles were too ashamed to appear in this film. Eventually, we find out that My Favorite Nazi, Rudolph Anders, is conducting weird experiments on the native women. Anders’ wife, played by a woman whose face is covered for almost the entire movie (good career move), has been disfigured, and Anders is trying to restore it. Since Botox© has not been invented yet, he opts for something he calls “Character X,” which he transfuses from her to a native subject – or maybe it’s the other way around, I lost track. Anders quickly sets his sights on McCalla, and attempts to romance her in his Nazi hangout. McCalla is attired in a black dress, which Anders says belongs to his wife. Sure, Rudolph. Your wife also happens to be 5’10” with measurements of 39-24-38.


In the exciting finale, Anders tries to do the transfusion routine on McCalla. The planes arrive and bomb the **** out of the place, and Anders is lava-ed to death. The viewing audience (what’s left of them) hurl themselves into the volcano.


There are a few lame attempts at humor, and even more lame attempts at acting. McCalla has an incredible physique, but can’t act worth a darn. And because she spends the first half hour of the film complaining about everything, she is a complete turn-off. Griffin can act, but has no charisma. What he does have is a weird patch of hair (or something) in the middle of his chest. He spends the first ten minutes of the film bare-chested, which makes no sense, since his body is only slightly more toned than Don Knotts’. Sen Yung gets off some wisecracks, like “Boy, this island is turning into one big hot plate!” and “Let’s blow this crazy fire trap!” I liked him better as Charlie Chan’s #2 son, rather than in this pile of #2. Anders chews the scenery, while Roth blocks the scenery. The dancing girls are played by the Diane Nellis Dancers. Yeah, I never heard of them either.




“I think he’s done on this side. Turn him over.”




Victor Sen Yung brags about his breasts.




“There is no need for concern, Fraulein. You can see how well my wife turned out.”




Rudolph Anders brags about his breasts.




“Hello, hello … you say your name is Gilligan?”




Just a tip: when you have a picture of Hitler in your pad, you aren’t going to score with the chicks.


Edited by scsu1975
Edited for Language
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It! (1967)

Directed by Herbert J. Leder


Somewhat interesting horror opus, involving the legendary Golem.


Roddy McDowall gets top billing, as the Assistant Curator of a museum. He and the museum director investigate after a fire burns down one of their warehouses. The only thing left is a statue, which has some Hebrew writing on it. McDowall goes to get a flashlight, hears a yell, and returns to find his boss dead. Roll the opening credits.


McDowall acts strange very early on, and when we find out he keeps his dead mother’s corpse at his house, we begin to understand that he is one tree short of a hammock. McDowall tries to pursue a relationship with the daughter (Jill Haworth) of his previous boss, but she has enough brains to fend him off.


McDowall goes to a rabbi who transcribes the Hebrew on the statue. The translation is enough to scare the **** out of any normal person – but remember, we’re talking about McDowall here. McDowall locates a secret scroll which gives him complete mastery of the Golem. This power comes in handy when we meet the new Head Curator. After a few seconds of listening to this obnoxious s.o.b., the audience realizes that i) he is going to be killed, and ii) it will be a justifiable homicide.


Enter Paul Maxwell (a Harrison Ford lookalike), who is just in from the States to examine the statue and bring it to America – assuming he can get it past Donald Trump’s wall.  Maxwell wastes no time in putting the moves on Haworth, and she wastes no time playing tonsil hockey with him – all this while McDowall has the Golem destroying a bridge just for the hell of it.


McDowall eventually kidnaps Haworth as the authorities close in. The Golem guards McDowall’s estate, while the British army tries various weapons to destroy the thing, including a bazooka and a canon firing matzoballs.  In desperation, they decide to detonate a “small” nuclear warhead. Can Maxwell save Haworth in time? (Hint: there is a motorcycle conveniently parked at the bomb site.)


This film does have some creepy sequences, and McDowall is very effective as a weirdo. There are a few hilarious scenes where McDowall tries to ditch the Golem, but it keeps returning to the museum.  Guys, it’s probably worth sticking around for the entire film, as there is a fantasy sequence involving Haworth. Also, she seems to sport more and more cleavage as the film progresses.






McDowall realizes he is about to be promoted.





The audience realizes why Jill Haworth has been cast in the film.





McDowall realizes that Paul Maxwell is not shaving the Golem properly.





Beldar Conehead realizes he is getting old.





McDowall realizes the rabbi is actually a Jehovah’s Witness.





I don’t think I’ll comment on this one.


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  • 1 month later...

Teenage Monster (1958)

Directed by Jacques Marquette


Awful piece of crap, from HOWCO International – HOWCO apparently stands for “How Come They Made This ****?”


1940s star Anne Gwynne heads a no-name no-talent cast, playing an 1880s mother whose husband is killed by a meteor, and whose son is badly injured. Flash forward seven years. Now the kid has hair all over his body, speaks gibberish, disobeys his mother, kidnaps a girl, and brings her to his room. Today, we would just say the kid is going through puberty.


Gwynne succeeds in hiding this monstrosity from everyone, but occasionally he/it slips out just to break someone’s neck.  After Gwynne finds the girl (Gloria Castillo) in junior’s closet, she talks her into staying on to look after her son, for a tidy sum of $500. Castillo promptly loses the money to her boyfriend. In the only interesting plot point, Castillo turns into a b**** and decides she will use the teenage monster to kill her boyfriend. Then she gets Gwynne to sign a financial agreement. Next, she starts working on junior and putting thoughts in his head (since he can’t put any there himself), turning him against his mother. So what will hairboy do?


The print I watched on youtube was about 54 minutes long; imdb says the film is 65 minutes. Hopefully, no one is searching for the lost footage.





Chewbacca is berated by Princess Leia in this white trash production of Star Wars.





Anne Gwynne realizes her Poligrip is not working.





I have a feeling when this kid grows up, he is going to stab somebody in a shower.





“It’s his own fault for carrying that anti-Trump poster.”





“I see your implants have arrived.”


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