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20th Century Vole Presents

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I can't believe what I'm seeing. Three...yep, three

full moons. Better lay off that LSD.











*Operation Petticoat Junction*



Cary and crew, through an amazing feat of underwater navigation,

manage to put their sub right on the bottom of the Hooterville water

tower, where the three Bradley girls just happen to be skinny-dipping

at the time. What other command can Gary give then up periscope?



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*All About The Lady Eve*


Margo Channing is conned for her leading role by her understudy Eve Harrington. Eve becomes friends with Margo. She therefore feels guilty about conning her and gives up on her plans to con Margo into giving her a lead. But before she can say anything, Margo discovers that Eve is really after and decides not to cast her as her as a lead or be her friend. Eve feels betrayed by Margo's lack of trust and comes back to auditions in disguise as a famous Hollywood movie star instead. Margo is completely taken in, so Eve acts like a total jerk, thus making Margo glad to see the real Eve Harrington back in the show. Eve and Margo become best friends and star in the show together for a long time.



{font:arial, helvetica, sans-serif}PS Go vote for your favorite Fan-Written Schedule!


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-Oh Berenice, look what John Henry's doing to my old doll.


-Now stop fussin' child. You know how Candy is. He just likes to tear the roof off the sucka.












*The Member of the Shotgun Wedding*



Francis Adams is now a writer living in New York City. After her

father dies, she receives some letters and other family documents

that make it clear that Janis was four months gone when she married

Jarvis. Even more shocking is the fact that Jarvis was not the biological

father, that role belonging to John Henry. Yes, appearances can be




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*West Side Lady*


Those Sharks, Jets, and their girls just don't know how to speak correctly! This causes Henry Higgins to come to New York and say, "Why can't New York teach its gangsters how to speak?" He trains Riff's girlfriend Graziella the correct way to say, "The rain in Brooklyn stays mainly in The Bronx." Once trained to speak better, he takes her to mingle with high society types at a Broadway opening. Unfortunately he didn't teach her what to say, so she cusses out David Merrick. She is embarrassed, but the New York Times Theater Critic falls in love with her anyway and they run off together. Meanwhile the Jets decide they are jealous of Henry Higgins and his plans of gentrification for the neighborhood, so they have a rumble and kill him. He dies singing, "I've grown accustomed to this place..."

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No, dear boy, you grow the dreads from the top of your head. And, is that thing even close to

being real?














*Rastaman and the Empress*



The Romanovs are desperate to find help for little Alexei's hemophilia

and reach out to a Rastaman visiting Russia from Jamaica. He gives

the boy herb to smoke and advises that he start growing dreadlocks.

The treatment works. As Rasta departs, he tells the Czar the fable

of the Small Axe, but sadly, Nicholas pays him no attention.






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The two Mels, Brooks and Gibson, met at a party, and hit it off. Mel B. found out that Mel G. was a big fan of *Silent Movie*, and Mel G. found out that Mel B. was a big fan of his two films made in dead or obscure languages, *The Passion of Christ*, and *Apocalypto*. So, they decided to co-produce a movie called *Closed Captioned*, to be silent, but closed captioned in Etruscan. Of course, movie theaters don't have closed captioning, so the only ones who can get the dialog in theaters are Etruscan lip-readers. When it comes to cable, all Etruscan speakers - well, readers - will be able to enjoy it.


The Mels chose Marlee Matlin to do her first turn at directing the film, for her ability to work in silence. To take direction, all actors will have to know Ameslan. Intensive courses will be given. Nick Nolte was rejected for a leading role, due to his vocabulary, limited to a sign consisting of a single digit. What is the film about? What does it matter? No one will understand it anyway... :)

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Mr. Thatcher, last year I lost 1 million pizzas, this year I expect to lose 1 million pizzas,

and next year the same. At this rate Mr. Thatcher, I expect to run out of pizzas in.....oh, thirty-seven years.






























*Citizen Cain*



A wealthy businessman decides to enter politics. He is doing

quite well until a scandal concerning his possibly sordid past

with women is made public. He has no one to blame but himself.

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-Now let me see if I've got this straight. Evers to Chaunce to Tinker?

-No, no, no, lime eater. You're getting under my skin. Okay, try it one more time.














*The Mancunian Candidate*




During the late 1950s English cricketers and the English government,

are worried that baseball might become more popular in the Commonwealth,

leading to a decline of interest in cricket. An undercover bowler from Man-

chester infiltrates a visiting US baseball team in order to sabotage it with

explosive baseballs and booby trapped bats.



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  • 2 weeks later...



No, I don't want to hear how you won the blue ribbon for your possum surprise at the

Oscawologie County Fair, punk.


























*The In-Laws of Josey Wales*




Josey and the missus have barely started married life when his in-laws

come for a visit. They stay and stay until Josey can take it no more. He

locks everyone in the outhouse and embarks on a life of crime and infrequent




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Gotta say that was one of the better entries lately, C.


Soooooo, lemme guess here...the wife invited her dipsomaniac sister, her good-for-nothin' husband AND their three snot-nosed brats to stay over for the holidays again this year, EH?! ;)


(..well, I just figured there might be some "personal inspiration" for this one, THAT'S all) :^0

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I'm Sphincterus.














*Town Without Potties*



Even fifteen years after the end of World War Two, personal "comfort stations"

are a rarity in some small towns in Germany. This is true of Schisberg, where the

lack of sanitary accommodations p.o. some GIs, who go on a rampage. This

lack also explains Kirk Douglas' clenched jaw throughout the picture. The

soundtrack album includes the title song plus I Put a Smell on You and nine

other easy listening selections.



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Welcome to my nightmare: cig butts in scrambled eggs, half-eaten

cheeseburgers, used tissues in the coffee cup.









*Alice Cooper Doesn't Live Here Anymore*



Alice dreams of becoming a singer in a long-haired rock

'n' roll band, but pays the bills by working as a busboy at

the local Waffle House. When Kris Kristofferson drops in one

night with a case of the munchies, he hears Cooper singing Me

and Bobby McGee, recognizes his talent and gets him a

recording contract. The rest is music history.





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Soda is completely housebroken, but we're still training the Colonel.




















*Since You Went Astray*



At first the Hilton women find Colonel Smollett's gruff but endearing

manner charming, but when days turn into weeks and weeks turn into

months, they grow tired of the old fussbudget. When they learn that

Tim is coming home, they work up a plan to get rid of the old duffer.

They tell the Colonel that Soda is missing and send him out to look

for the dog. They quickly pack up the Colonel's things and leave them

on the doorstep. When the Colonel returns he gets the hint and decides

to just fade away.

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h3. For Whom the Bell Trolls




Apart from his humdrum life covering light news features, curmudgeon TV reporter Howard Bell discovers his dark side by posting snide comments with his alter-ego, Boobsworth, on messageboards providing the well-crafted misinformation he always longed to do in the news.

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h3. Amok Christmas Time


Starring William Shatner as Scrooge, Leonard Nimoy as Bob Crachit, and featuring DeForest Kelley as Jabob Marley.


>Scrooge: *You-- think it-- kind to -- pick my pockets every December 25th, Crachit?*


>Bob Crachit: *I find it logical.*


>Scrooge: *Is.. that you, Marley? How can it be?*


>Jacob Marley: *Damn it, Jim! I'm dead!*

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Well folks, I'm off to Sun City. Now don't worry friends, you're in

good cla...I mean hands. Just one thing, he does like to get boiled

on the weekends.












*Crawdad-United States Marshall*



Aging lawman Wayne, his physical and mental powers starting

to wane, realizes it is time to retire. To the surprise of all, he

appoints a crawdad to take his place. Unfortunately, just days

after the small crustacean is sworn in, he is accidentally stepped

on by a citizen and dies. Undeterred, Wayne next selects a lobster

to take up the duties of chief law enforcer.



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You know you're right, that is Joan Crawford. I'd recognize that coat hanger shaped birthmark anywhere.






*The Night They Raided Manky's*



The LAPD receive an anonymous call from a man with a pleasing,

sonorous voice complaining that some of his personal collection of

classic movie erotica has been stolen and that he suspects a hipster

coworker of the theft. The police raid the coworker's home and find

the treasure trove of "adult material." Case closed.

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Say, is it really radioactive out here, or is it just me?














*The Amazing Colossal Bore*



Not your father's movie monster, some tall guy in a diaper crushing

toy cars and miniature electrical grids. This fiend uses his incredibly

pedestrian conversation to bore all kinds of people to death. Among

his most deadly remarks: Gee, looks like rain today, Anybody up for

the lunch special, Wow that's exactly what happened to me, Ya know,

I was thinking the exact same thing, Have a good one.



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