Jump to content
Search In
  • More options...
Find results that contain...
Find results in...



Recommended Posts

This could be the best/worst of the lot so far. Especially after seeing Jack Kruschen's well-toned arms and five-o'clock shadow. I hope he's not dressed like that throughout the movie. Thanks.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

> {quote:title=patful wrote:}{quote}
> This could be the best/worst of the lot so far. Especially after seeing Jack Kruschen's well-toned arms and five-o'clock shadow. I hope he's not dressed like that throughout the movie. Thanks.

He's gone by about the 15-minute mark, but that's pretty much his wardrobe.


Link to comment
Share on other sites

> {quote:title=patful wrote:}{quote}

> *I had to look up that word.* - scsu1975


> Then if I had called it a "Bro", you really would have been confused!


I need to get out on the streets more often.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

The Violent Years (1956)
Directed by William Morgan
Written by Edward D. Wood, Jr. (There, you've been warned)


Folks, we have now officially reached the bottom of the barrel. This is a horrendous film, even by my incredibly low standards. With a script by Ed Wood, we can expect no less (or no better).

1955 Playmate non-actor and future non-star Jean Moorhead plays the neglected daughter of a newspaper publisher. So she does what any neglected daughter would do - she forms a girl gang. Her three accomplices aren't nearly as good as Moorhead in the acting department - they all seem to be competing for who has the biggest breasts.

For openers, they disguise themselves as men by wearing caps and putting bandanas over their faces. Then they proceed to knock over a gas station. The attendant wears a hat which says "Quaker State," but trust me, that's not the name of the college he attended. They slug the attendant, and make their getaway. This enables Ed Wood to pen some snappy dialogue:

Cop: "Pretty bad, huh?"
Doctor: "Pretty bad."

Fourteen seconds later:

Reporter: "Another one, huh?"
Cop: "Pretty bad one this time. How about it, Doc?"
Doctor: "Pretty bad."


The most ludicrous scene in the film (and trust me, it's hard to pick just one) occurs when the dames accost a couple making out in a car. They force the girl to take off her sweater, and then they tie her up with her dress. The gang escort the guy into the woods and have their way with him. At least, that's what I think happened. We hear him scream, so either he's being assaulted or they are showing him photos of Keith Olbermann in a Speedo.

My favorite character is Sheila, played by Lee Constant, in what was apparently her only film. Sheila is either the girls' boss or their fence, or both - I never determined this. She looks like a clone of Rosalind Russell with an Italian haircut. It may be my imagination, but I could swear her breasts double in size throughout the course of this film.

Sheila sends the gang off to vandalize a school. Why? I don't know. He's on third, and ...
The girls wreak some minor havoc in one room (it's a small school) and the police arrive. The girls start blasting away. Where did they get the guns? When the police return fire, one of the girls yells "They're shooting back!" No ****. One chick bites the dust, and Moorhead blows away a cop. The cops are idiots. They fire from one position, and don't bother to cover an escape route, which appears to be the back door to the school.

Moorhead: "I killed a policeman tonight."
Constant: "A cop?"
Moorhead: "Yeah, a cop."


Several people get shot in this film, but, incredibly, no one bleeds.

The film runs less than an hour, and is pretty much over by the 45-minute mark. We then learn that Moorhead is going to the can, and has a bun in the oven. If you want to stick around and hear the judge's soliloquy, be my guest. Something about going to church, using the old-fashioned woodshed more often ... I couldn't figure it out.

Ed Wood didn't direct this, but his name is all over it - like stink on a pig.

Whoever composed the opening boogie-woogie theme, which is used constantly in this film, should be executed.

This dame learned how to erase a blackboard from four rows back.

The judge calls out Joan Crawford's boy toy.

'Hey Doc, how did Ed Wood look with those giant earrings, pretty bad, huh?'
'Pretty bad.'

'Young Man Robbed, Criminally Attacked By Four Girls!'
'Man Attack in Lover's Lane!'
'There's a Sale at Penney's!'

The father of our country, and also Jean Moorhead's baby.

'Hey, how do you think I got the job in Auntie Mame ?'

A short-lived 50s fashion fad ... 'Reynolds Wrap Pedal Pushers."

Link to comment
Share on other sites

> {quote:title=traceyk65 wrote:}{quote}

> Very funny scsu! I'd like to request your take on Kitten with a Whip...


I saw it in March when it was on TCM and wrote a quickie (below). If it's available online somewhere, I'll try to do more of an in-depth butchering of it.




The moral of this story is never help a stranger, even if she looks like Ann-Margret.


Peter Brown keeps saying "I feel no pain," even after he gets stabbed. Then he says, "I'm dyin' in a rush." Other gems include "you can't fight hatred with violence, so coexist."


Ann-Margret says "what a brainburger."


Somehow, my friends from the 60s never spoke like this. I must have missed something.


Mancini's theme from Touch of Evil is played when the party starts. Somebody blow up a car.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

The Choppers (1961)
Directed by Leigh Jason


The film opens with Arch Hall Sr. (who wrote the screenplay) as a reporter/narrator. He tells us mournfully that "our greatest national resource was in danger. I wasn't thinking about oil or water or things like that." Hey genius, take a trip to the Gulf of Mexico.

The plot: a bunch of losers go into the car stripping business. They have names like "Cruiser," "Snooper," and "Torch." They all get caught or killed by the cops. The movie is done in 65 minutes.

This film is just weird. It has a veteran actor, Tom Brown, who was about 46 when he made this film. He looks 66. However, give him credit - he is the only one who can act. He plays an insurance investigator. His secretary/girlfriend/whatever is played by 20-year-old blonde Marianne Gaba. So give Brown even more credit. Apparently he can do something else.

Arch Hall Jr. plays the brains behind the organization. As Groucho Marx would say, "that'll give you some idea of the organization." He drives a neat hotrod and keeps a lookout for cops, while the gang drives a poultry truck and strips cars. In one unintentionally hilarious scene, Hall barks orders to the gang using a giant walkie-talkie. "There are bandits approaching, and you are on a dead end street. Reverse!" "You turned the wrong way!" Hey genius, there is only one way to turn.

At least Hall does not have to carry the film, since the other non-actors get equal time. Unfortunately, he does his obligatory singing; it's some ditty called "Monkeys in my Hatband." (The next line is "I can do a handstand.") He also listens to himself singing on his car radio. The extra-large Bruno VeSota plays the owner of a salvage joint, where the gang fence their car parts. VeSota is bigger than most of the vehicles in his lot.

Brown discovers a chicken feather at the scene of one of the stripped cars, which helps unravel the mystery. He smokes a cigarette near an overturned car. Hey genius, there is gas in that tank.

The cops create a decoy car, and when the gang tries to strip it, the fuzz move in. As the gang drives off with the heat approaching from the other direction, Torch delivers the best line in the film. "Hang on, we're gonna play chicken." Hey genius, you're in a poultry truck.

Arch Hall Sr. interviews Torch's father, who is obviously the product of in-breeding. After hearing the moron ramble, Hall Sr. tells his audience "ladies and gentlemen, when you pick up your morning newspaper and read about some youngster getting into trouble and wonder why, I think you've heard one good answer."

For the finale, Hall Sr. walks up to the captured Hall Jr. and asks "you got anything to say son?" "Yeah," comes the reply. "We had a ball ... a real ball." Viewers did not.

Tom Brown tries to impress this babe with his Regis Toomey impersonation.

This is a real chicken**** operation.

A short-lived fad ..."car tipping."

Try text-messaging on one of these.

Orson Welles and Joseph Calleia relax between takes during Touch of Evil.

"Attention please. Arch Hall Jr. is about to sing. Please clear the area."

"Monkeys in my hatband, I can do a handstand,
Even though my singing sucks, I can make a few bucks."

"Well, we had this idea that if we shot golf balls and tires into the pipe ..."

Link to comment
Share on other sites

> {quote:title=patful wrote:}{quote}

> No trailer available??? I guess the studio blew their entire budget on a good candidate for the ugliest poster ever. :-)


They certainly didn't blow their entire budget on the movie.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hilarious thread scsu1975. Please, for the love of all that's holy, take on *High School Confidential.* Since the first time I saw it, it became my favorite JD film, just for John Barrymore Jr. and Mamie Van Doren.


Or maybe it's too highbrow for this thread.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

> {quote:title=helenbaby wrote:}{quote}

> Hilarious thread scsu1975. Please, for the love of all that's holy, take on *High School Confidential.* Since the first time I saw it, it became my favorite JD film, just for John Barrymore Jr. and Mamie Van Doren.


> Or maybe it's too highbrow for this thread.


Thanks, I will add it to my list. I wrote a review of it a few years ago, but it's buried in one of the forums somewhere. I see College Confidential is coming up again in September, so I'll try to skewer that one as well (Steve Allen reciting Hamlet).


Nothing is too highbrow for this thread.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Teenage Thunder (1957)
Directed by Paul Helmick


Teenage Blunder would have been a better title.

Chuck Courtney stars as a 27-year-old teenager who just can't seem to do anything right. His father, played by Tyler McVey, is demanding, overbearing, and several other ings, which helps to explain why Courtney is such a ****. McVey wears a suit around the house, even when he's playing cards. In one ridiculous scene, McVey tells Courtney to turn on the radio so he can catch the stock report. The sound comes on instantly, and the first thing we hear is "And now for the Wall Street news." Apparently, McVey is the master of space and time. By the way, this is the 50s. Forget Wall Street and build a bomb shelter if you know what's good for you. And stuff this film in it.

Courtney is constantly picked on by the town creep, well played by pretty boy Robert Fuller, who went on to fame in TV series like "Laramie," "Wagon Train," and "Emergency!" Fuller had already done several movies before this, but at least his character has a name this time. Unfortunately, it's Maurie, which is not appropriate for a bully - or any other character, for that matter. Fuller has a constant smirk on his face - it;s either gas, or he is impersonating Rachel Maddow.

Courtney has a job at a gas station owned by Paul Bryar. Bryar is building a hotrod, but won't say why, or who he expects to drive it. Bryar acts as a father figure for Courtney, since McVey has no parenting skills. The one time McVey does try to communicate with Courtney, they are using boxing gloves, and McVey puts Courtney on his a**.

Courtney has no hotrod, so he 'borrows' one from a car dealer, played by Bing Russell. Russell lets Courtney take the hotrod for a spin. IDIOT! What could go wrong here? This leads to the inevitable game of chicken between Courtney and Fuller. They both lay eggs.

Courtney eventually decides to run away from home, and steals Bryar's hotrod. Then his girlfriend tells him that Bryar was going to enter it in the big race and have Courtney drive it - this to honor Bryar's son, who has polio (insert watery eyes here). The girlfriend is played by Melinda Byron in her film debut ... her career lasted three years. Courtney's lasted a lot longer, but nobody seems to care.

Courtney decides to face the music, and returns just in time to win the race and beat up Fuller. Now, if Courtney's father could just set him up with a cheap hooker, his ascent to manhood would be complete.

"RCA Victor Recording Star" David Houston sings "Teenage Kisses." The Desk Sergeant looks like Rodney Dangerfield. The film deserves no respect.

A short-lived 50s fad -  "finger-pulling chicken."

"I tell ya, I'm okay now, but I was a wreck last week. My doctor told me I was overweight.
I told him I wanted a second opinion. He said, 'Okay, you're ugly too!'"

In this humiliating scene, Courtney tries in vain to hide his gastritis.

" 'Top Hat' didn't work, 'Top Kill' didn't work, the 'Junk Shot' didn't work.
Maybe we'd better call that Costner guy."

Courtney has not yet learned the art of bobbing and weaving.

Fortunately, the guy who painted the letters on the car was dyslexic.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now

© 2022 Turner Classic Movies Inc. All Rights Reserved Terms of Use | Privacy Policy | Cookie Settings
  • Create New...