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How do you know you are old?

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"Old" jokes? OK:



An 80 year old man shows up in a confessional booth. The priest asks him what sin he wanted to confess. The old man says, "After 60 years of marriage and never ONCE being unfaithful to my wife, I had sex with 18 year old twin sisters." The priest said, "Well, after that many years of faithful marriage, it doesn't seem that bad. You know how to make your pennance?" The old man says, "I don't know anything about that. I'm jewish". The priest asks, "What? Jewish? Then WHY do you come in here TELLING me all this?" The old man replied:



"Hey. I'm telling EVERYBODY!"



When leaving church one Sunday after services, an old man stops to shake the hand of the minister as he's walking out the door. The minister, delighted to see him in church says, "I suppose at your age, you're starting to think a lot about the hereafter, aren't you?" The old man says, "Oh, I think about the hereafter a LOT. Whenever I open a cupboard or closet door, or walk into a room I ask, 'What am I here after?'"






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Okay, I've got a couple of "old" jokes...


A guy dies, and arrives at the entrance to Heaven. St Peter is looking over his records, and says, you're a real borderline case. I probably shouldn't let you in, but I'll give you a chance. You see those guys over there? If you can tell me which one is Adam, I'll let you in. The guy looks over at the fence, and sees 15 or 20 old balding, potbellied geezers, wearing what look like diapers, pressed up against the fence, staring at him. He walks up and down, looking them over. Then, he points to one, and says "That's Adam." St. Pete says, "Yes, you're right - how did you know?" The guy says "No bellybutton."


An old guy sits on his porch, watching the people who walk by his house. Every day, a good looking college girl walks by, and he leers at her. Naturally, she finds this annoying. After it has gone on for weeks, she decides to jerk his chain a bit. She walks up to him, and says "I'll do anything you want, for $100." He says "Paint my house."

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This one's been around


There's a flood in the Mississippi Delta. An old guy's house is in the way and water has risen up the first step to his porch where he sits rocking in a chair. A neighbor wading by offers to help him on foot before it gets worse - he declines saying, "The Lord will provide."

An hour later, two guys in a bass boat come by as the water is up to the front door. They offer to give him a lift to safety - he declines saying, "The Lord will provide."

Thirty minutes later, a Coast Guard helicopter hovers over his house as the water is up to the gutters and the old guy is on the roof. They offer to fly him to safety - he declines saying, "The Lord will provide."

The old guy and his house get swept away and he is drowned. Upon reaching the gates of heaven, he cries to the Lord asking why he didn't save him and the Lord said, "I sent you a good neighbor, two guys in a boat and a helicopter, what more did you want?"

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A cop pulls over an old lady who was driving too slow. "But officer", she exclaims, "I was going the posted 22 miles per hour."

The policeman informs her the 22 was the HYWAY number, NOT the speed limit.

The shaky looking old man sitting next to her then said, "Where were you when we were on Hyway 110?"



Three old men, one 60, one 70 and the third, 80, are sitting on a park bench. The 60 year old says, "Y'know, when I die, I'd like it to be fast. Like in a car crash." The 70 year old says, "Yeah, I know. I'd like it fast, too. Like a PLANE crash!" The 80 year ols says, "You two have it your way. I'D rather be shot by a jealous HUSBAND!"



Three old men are walking on the fairway of a golf course. The first one says, "It sure is WINDY today." The second one says, "It's not WEDNSDAY, it's THURSDAY!" The third says, "Me too. Let's go get a BEER."



A favorite plaque I read in a store: "When I die, I'd like it to be like my Grandfather. Peaceful, in his sleep. Not SCREAMING like the passengers in his CAR!"






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A cop pulls a guy over for speeding. When he looks at the guy's driver's license, he says, "This shows you're supposed to be wearing glasses."

Guy: "I have contacts."

Officer: "I don't care who you know, you're supposed to be wearing glasses!"


One great thing about getting old is your enemies are dying off faster than you make new ones.

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  • 2 weeks later...

You know you are an old man...

.. when all the women you prefer to date are at least ten years younger.


You know you are an old woman...

.. when the men your age on dating sites are using photos from ten years ago, preferring women _not_ your age.



You know you are _too_ old ....

.. If you make a poor decision and suffer the consequences, knowing you will never live long enough for it to become a funny story to tell friends.

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>Finance wrote-...another expression from "Seinfeld", as is most of my vocabulary. If the show had never aired, I'd be sitting here mute.


35k+ posts, and this is why?


The show ran eight years.. ended in 1998.


Never mind... TV was better then.

h5. You know you're old when the Walking Dead isn't a TV show to you,. but feels like a state of mind for others..

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Do you mean elliptical trainer? Quite a coincidence that you should mention that. I just sent an E-mail to the general manager of my condo complaining about the noise from the elliptical trainers in the condo fitness center. Whenever someone is using one. I can hear it in my condo unit. (I don't use the condo fitness center).

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