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Sepiatone

The anecdote antidote!

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Good for what ails you?

 

Don't hurt to try...

 

Anyway, I often passed the time mentally creating anecdotes for personal pleasure, and to excersize the mind.

 

I also tried creating jokes, with mild success.

 

I'll lay some on ya.....

 

Some may seem somewhat "racist" if not racy, but rest assured, there's no offense intended.  It's because they were intended for a particular "audience" who'd get it, but not indicative of who I am.

 

1.  A little kid runs up to his Mother....he shouts, "Hey, MOM!  Next time I need a haircut, I want aunt Susie to cut it!"  His Mother looks at him astonished,  "You mean my SISTER?  THAT Aunt Susie?"  The little boy nods in ascent--"Baby, " said Mom, "My Sister don't know anything about cutting hair!"  The boy was adamant--"She does SO!" he shouted, "I just heard Daddy tell a neighbor about the TRIM she gave him last night!"

 

Kids say the darndest things

 

Another little boy just returned home after spending a week with his grandparents.  His Dad asked him if he had a good time.  The boy was thrilled.  "Sure.  I 'specially liked the HAUNTED HOUSE over there.  His Dad was surprised.  "WHAT haunted house?" he asked.   the boy went on, "The house three doors down from Grandma and Grandpa!  That house is HAUNTED!"  His Dad shook his head and tried to explain, "Son," he said,"Haunted houses are old abandoned mansions on the tops of hills at the end of town that are run down with broken windows and shutters.  Your grandparents live in a NEW subdivision full of BRAND NEW tract and ranch houses.  that house CAN'T be haunted".  The boy was insistent---"Is TOO!   Grandpa said there's SPOOKS living there!"

 

OOPS!

 

 

Carl was down in the dumps.  The bartender he went to for therapy asked him what was bothering him.  Carl said, "Well, me and Doris tried to spice up our sex life by installing one of them STRIPPER poles like she read in that COSMO magazine she always reads.  So I put one up in the bedroom.  Then last night, we decided to try it out.  She put some what she thought was sexy dance music on a boom box.  Then she goes into the bathroom to change into some sexy lingerie.  Then she comes out of the bathroom looking all hot and sexy, Then she switches on the boom box.  Then, all of a sudden, THREE FIREMEN come sliding down the pole!  If THAT wasn't bad enough, what really bothered me was that DORIS was OK with it!"

 

 

Ellen and Eddie tried to spice up THEIR sex life, too.  Ellen came up with an idea she read somewhere.

"I go to a br and sit there as if I'm all alone.  You come in and we act like we don't know each other.  THEN you try to pick me up, and we go to some cheap motel and act like it's some wild one night stand!"

Eddie says he thinks it's a good idea.

Comes the night of "the pick up", Ellen, a sexy red-head, puts on a stunning low cut green dress with a short skirt part, and a sexy green silk scarf for an accent.  She leaves the house just 20 minutes before Eddie.  Then, 20 minutes later, Eddie gets in his car and heads for the decided on bar.   When he gets there, and walks in, he doesn't see Ellen anywhere.  Thinking she got hung up in traffic or came by a different route, his sits and waits for her to show up.  When it got to when it would be 45 minutes after when she SHOULD have shown up, he then asks the bartender...."Did you see a real attractive redhead come in here? "  The bartender asked, "You mean a redhead with short-cropped hair, a green dress with a plunging neckline and a green scarf on her neck?"   When Eddie answered "yes", the bartender went on.  "Oh, HER.  Yeah, she came in here about 45 minutes ago, sat down here at the bar alone for 20 minutes.  Then she left about 20 minutes ago with two black guys!"

 

LOOONG ride home!

 

 

Maybe another one later....OR one or two of YOURS?

 

 

Sepiatone

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COMMERCIAL I'D LIKE TO SEE!

 

 

Average looking guy looking at the camera and narrating:

 

"Every day on the way to my office, I cut through a nearby park and see the same young lady sitting on a bench.  She's really attractive.  I'd like to ask her out, but was afraid my GREY HAIR would turn her off.  so I got "Just Guys" hair color for men.  I took it home and followed the directions.  And WOW!  I looked 20 years younger!  NOW I had the courage and self confidence I needed to finally ask her out.  so the next morning, when I went to my office and saw her sitting in her usual location on the park bench, I confidently walked over to her and ASKED her if she'd like to go out with me to dinner and a movie.  But, she looked up at me and smiled sweetly and said: 

 

"I'm sorry.  But I only date OLDER MEN."

 

 

Sepiatone

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Harpo Marx had the right idea. I think it was in A Night in Casablanca. He races over to this babe standing in front of the lobby desk and hangs his leg in her hands. :lol:

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Harpo Marx had the right idea. I think it was in A Night in Casablanca. He races over to this babe standing in front of the lobby desk and hangs his leg in her hands. :lol:

He's done that in several flicks.

 

 

Sepiatone

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Actually, this is supposed to be a true story:

 

One day, recently former president HARRY TRUMAN was invited to give the commencment speech at his alma Mater agricultural college.   While giving his speech, and talking about farming and farming techniques and anything involved in the endeavor, he got on the subject of MANURE.  types of manure, when to use it, how to spead it and anything else about manure.  this horrified the members of his press staff, who then turned to Mr. Truman's wife for assistance.  They implored her to go up and wisper in his ear that the word "manure" is unseemly for a former president to be using so freely.  Please, they asked her, try to get him to say "fertilizer" or "soil enhancer" or ANYthing else besides "manure".

 

Mrs. Truman smiled endulgently at the men and replied..."You boys don't appreciate how hard it was for me to get him to SAY "manure!"

 

 

Yep, that was HARRY for ya!

 

 

Sepiatone

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A comment in a different thread caused me to remember this:

 

Child: Mommy, what is: oral?

 

Mother: It is a special time between mommies and daddies when one gives physical pleasure to the other by using their mouth rather than the usual way they make love.

 

Child: Then what is: written?

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A comment in a different thread caused me to remember this:

 

Child: Mommy, what is: oral?

 

Mother: It is a special time between mommies and daddies when one gives physical pleasure to the other by using their mouth rather than the usual way they make love.

 

Child: Then what is: written?

I saw a cartoon in which it showed two little children looking in on their parents in the bedroom.  One is turned to the other and saying..." GEEZ!  And SHE yells at ME when I suck my THUMB!"

 

Sepiatone

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