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Jump_Raven
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JOKES FROM GERMANY

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

The police. I'm afraid there's been an accident. Your husband is in

hospital.

 

A man walks into a pub.

He is an alcoholic whose drink problem is destroying his family.

Did you hear about the blonde who jumped out off a bridge?

She was clinically depressed and took her own life because of her terribly

low self-esteem.

 

What do you call a cat with no tail?

A Manx cat.

 

Why do undertakers wear ties?

Because their profession is very serious, and it is important that their

appearance has a degree of gravitas.

 

How many electricians does it take to change a light bulb?

One.

 

Two men are sitting in a pub.

One man turns to the other and says: 'Last night I saw lots of strange men

coming in and out of your wife's house.'

The other man replies: 'Yes, she has turned to prostitution to subsidise her

drug habit.'

 

Two cows are in a field. Suddenly, from behind a bush, a rabbit leaps out

and runs away.

One cow looks round a bit, eats some grass and then wanders off.

 

Why are there no aspirin in the jungle?

Because it would not be financially viable to attempt to sell

pharmaceuticals in the largely unpopulated rainforest.

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You told them my name was Bone and you didn't tell me.

You told them I was a big game hunter and you didn't tell me.

You told them I was a friend of your brother Mark and you didn't tell me.

You told them I was crazy and you didn't tell me.

You tell anyone anything that pops into your head, but you don't tell me.

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Lawyer jokes!!

 

Q: What do you have when you have three lawyers up to their necks in mud?

A: Not enough mud.

 

Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?

A: His/her lips are moving.

Variation:

Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?

A: Other lawyers look interested.

 

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?

A: Lawyers collect frequent flyer miles.

OR: Lawyers wear jewelry.

 

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and God?

A: God doesn't think he's a lawyer.

 

Apparently legally necessary disclaimer: I'm not a lawyer, and I don't play one on TV. (However, I've worked for lawyers for 30 years, so I know what I'm talking about [that's scienter].)

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Here's a happy tune-

That'll bring you a smile all the while you croon it you're really in style

-and the title is Sam's Song.

It's catchy as can be-

With a slight little beat and a melody sweet keeps you tapping your feet

-and the title is Sam's Song.

Nothing on your mind-

'cept the news of the day and the bills you must pay keeps your hair turning gray

-but you're still humming Sam's song

People that you know-

hello, Joe, what you know say remind me to Moe tell him business is slow

-but I'm whistling Sam's Song

Every one you see-

has a story to tell or a gimmick to sell but agrees that it's swell and it's really a

grand song

So forget your troubles and wear a smile you'll find you'll never go wrong

If you learn to croon-

like a lark in the park who is making his mark serenading the dark with a chorus of Sam's Song

If you learn to croon this happy tune they call it Sam's Song.

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Lawyer Joke Variations:

 

Q. What is three lawyers at the bottom of a river?

A. A good start.

 

Q. Why don't sharks eat lawyers?

A. Professional courtesy.

 

My disclaimer is my brother-in-law is a lawyer and he doesn't fit this particular group.

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I've got more lawyer jokes:

 

Q: What's the difference between a bad lawyer and a good lawyer?

A: The bad lawyer may let a case drag on for years. The good lawyer can make

it go on even longer.

 

Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?

A: An offer you can't understand.

 

Q: How many lawyers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: How many can you afford?

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Light Bulb Joke Variations:

 

Q. How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?

A. None. It has to want to change.

 

Q. How many Baptists does it take to change a light bulb?

A. CHANGE? What do you mean change? *

 

* I've been a Baptist all my life. (We're getting better.)

 

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