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Jump_Raven
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Cheer up, gentle citizens

Though you have no shirts

Happy days are here again

Cheer up, smile

Nertz!

 

All aboard prosperity

Giggle 'till it hurts!

No more bread-line charity

Cheer up, smile

Nertz!

 

Cheer up, cheer up, cheer up, cheer up, cheer

Up cheer, up cheer, up cheer, better times are here.

 

Sunny smilers we must be

The optimist asserts

Let's hang the fat-head to a tree!

Cheer up, smile

Nertz!

 

--Eddie Cantor

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Here we go round the mulberry bush,

The mulberry bush, the mulberry bush,

Here we go round the mulberry bush,

On a cold and frosty morning.

 

This is the way we wash our hands,

Wash our hands, wash our hands,

This is the way we wash our hands,

On a cold and frosty morning.

 

This is the way we wash our clothes

Wash our clothes, wash our clothes,

This is the way we wash our clothes,

On a cold and frosty morning.

 

This is the way we go to school,

Go to school, go to school,

This is the way we go to school,

On a cold and frosty morning.

 

This is the way we come out of school,

Come out of school, come out of school,

This is the way we come out of school,

On a cold and frosty morning.

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Man: Well, what is the cost?

 

Receptionist: Well, It's one pound for a five-minute argument, but only eight pounds for a course of ten.

 

Man: Well, I think it would be best if I perhaps started off with just the one and then see how it goes.

 

Receptionist: Fine. Well, I'll see who's free at the moment.

 

(Pause)

 

Receptionist: Mr. DeBakey's free, but he's a little bit conciliatory. Ahh yes, Try Mr. Barnard; Room 12.

 

Man: Thank you.

 

(Walks down the hall. Opens door.)

 

Mr Barnard: WHAT DO YOU WANT?

 

Man: Well, I was told outside that...

 

Mr Barnard: Don't give me that, you snotty-faced heap of parrot droppings!

 

Man: What?

 

Mr Barnard: Shut your festering gob, you ****! Your type really makes me puke, you vacuous, coffee-nosed, malodorous, pervert!!!

 

Man: Look, I CAME HERE FOR AN ARGUMENT, I'm not going to just stand...!!

 

Mr Barnard: OH, oh I'm sorry, but this is abuse.

 

Man: Oh, I see, well, that explains it.

 

Mr Barnard: Ah yes, you want room 12A, Just along the corridor.

 

Man: Oh, Thank you very much. Sorry.

 

Mr Barnard: Not at all.

 

Man: Thank You. (Under his breath) Stupid git!!

 

(Walk down the corridor)

 

Man: (Knock)

 

Mr Vibrating: Come in.

 

Man: Ah, Is this the right room for an argument?

 

Mr Vibrating: I told you once.

 

Man: No you haven't.

 

Mr Vibrating: Yes I have.

 

Man: When?

 

Mr Vibrating: Just now.

 

Man: No you didn't...

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So this chicken walks into the library. She walks up to the librarian, and she says: "Book." The librarian says: "You want a book?" "Book." "Any book?" "Book." So the librarian gives the chicken a novel, and off she goes.

 

An hour later the chicken comes back, and she says, "Book-book" The librarian says: "Now you want two books?" "Book-book." So she gives the chicken two more novels.

 

She leaves, but she comes back later. "Book-book-book." "Three books?" "Book-book-book." So the librarian gives the chicken three books.

 

Only this time, she decides she'll follow the chicken and find out what's going on. The chicken goes down the alley, and out of town and towards the woods, into the woods and down to the river, down to the swamp, where there is a bullfrog. The chicken sets the books down by him, and he looks at them, and he says: "Reddit...Reddit...Reddit."

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A man walks into a hardware store to buy a chain saw. He says, "I want one that'll cut down about ten trees in an hour." So the clerk sells him one. The next day, he comes in all upset and says, "Hey, this chain saw only cut down one little tree in one hour!" The clerk says, "Gee, let me take a look at it." The clerk pulls on the starter rope, the saw starts up, and the man says, "Hey, what's that noise?"

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This doctor got really stressed out at his job, and so he would stop by every day and see his friend Dick the bartender on his way home. Dick would know the doctor was coming, and he would have an almond daiquiri ready for the doctor. The doctor would come in and have his almond daiquiri, and go home.

 

One day, Dick ran out of almonds, and so he thought, "Well, the doctor won't know the difference." He cut up this hickory nut and made a daiquiri out of that. The doctor came by, and he put it in front of the doctor. The doctor took a sip, and he said, "Is this an almond daiquiri, Dick?" And he said, "No, it's a hickory daiquiri, Doc."

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There were identical twins, born in Greece and separated at birth -- put up for adoption. One was sent off to Saudi Arabia, and he was named Amal. And the other one was sent off to Spain, and he was named Juan. Their relatives arranged for a reunion, many years later. It was a big event, and everyone showed up at the airport in Greece to greet the twins. The plane from Spain landed, and Juan came off to the plane, to the delight of the crowd. They waited for the plane from Saudi Arabia, and soon it arrived, but Amal wasn't there -- he'd missed the plane. And one relative said to the other, "Well, they are identical twins. And if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

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From TV GUIDE a LONG time ago:

 

I never saw a purple cow

I thought they'd be unsightly

Until I bought my color set

Now I watch 'em nightly!

 

And - for old tyme's sake: MRS. PEEL - WE'RE NEEDED!

 

Great thread! Please keep 'em comin'!

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