Jump to content
Search In
  • More options...
Find results that contain...
Find results in...

Welcome to the Classic Cinema College

Recommended Posts

God's Nightgown!




Are you telling me that O'Brien and Cagney are on the lam drinking up the countryside?


I would wager that they have hooked up with McLaglen and we won't see the three of them until the beginning of Dean Finnie's upcoming St. Patrick Celebration.


Please high-tail it back to the Constable's office and ask him to put you up for the evening in one of the cells.


Your rescuers wil be there bright and early so try to get some sleep. I suspect that Professor Klondike will give you a verbal dressing down after handing over the hang-over cure.


I would suggest blaming it all on Cagney, O'Brien and McLaglen and begging Miss Milly Natwick's forgivenance on bended knee.


I will send Professor Klondike to round up the other three.


After drinking, snipe hunting and following strange hollowed eye creatures around the country side, you are under house supervision this upcoming weekend.

Link to post
Share on other sites



To: Interim Dean Cutter


From: Campus Security Chief William Hopper


Dean Cutter: I've just had Guinn come bustling in here (no cap again, per usual!), yammering up a storm about faculty in the local lock-up and complaints of drunken behavior running rampant on campus & off.

Ma'am, I assure you, I would be more than happy to take care of this for the College, whatever the effort, but I am just in the act of grabbing up my own coat & sprinting for my '48 Willys, to put out the "fire" that was just this a.m. reported to me by wire from the state capital!

Seems our "beloved" Prof Klondike has maneuvered himself & Head Groundskeeper Pat Buttram into a State Police holding cell up in Oswego!

I understand they were giving Lucius O'Malley (of the Pig & Whistle) a hand with fetching back a "special discount cargo" of New Brunswick porter, when the counterman at a border-town greasy spoon spotted a snapshot of O'Malley's mother when Lucius was buying coffee for the drive back, and made an unflattering remark. Lucius was moving in to black the fella's other eye when the Prof pulled him off, and I guess that would have been the end, but then a local character made some sarcastic remark about the Prof's Green Bay Packers jacket, and then all Hell (begging your pardon) broke loose.

Factors complicating all this are that the local with the big mouth is a nephew of the Governor, and that two of the other 10 men in the diner at the time were a couple of trucking brothers from California (I think I read that their name was Fabrini . . and that sounds oddly familiar . . ) . . and they didn't like Pat & the Prof & Lucius facing off everybody else, so they pitched in and sort of balanced it all off . . but it didn't help that Pat locked the troopers out when they arrived, so they had to break in, and by that time I guess all the fun was over . .

Ma'am, this one's serious . . I got some Uncle Sam time in with the Lt. Commander in Albany, but the Governor's office is screaming murder over the ambulance bills from all this . . I just know the Burser's Office is gonna have kittens . .

I will do my best to get those 3 released, and maybe get the interstate warrant dropped on the Fabrini Bros. (small wonder they "drive by night"; they sure cut-out in a big hurry!), please ask Bill Bendix to keep an eye on Guinn (I hate leaving him in charge!), and tell Tony Zebe over in Grounds he's on duty till I can spring his boss.

I guess you better wire Dean Finnie . . . I'm afraid she'll have "answering" to do!


- Bill H.

Link to post
Share on other sites


Fedex Overnight Letter


TO: Acting Dean Cutter, Professor Klondike, & Security Ofc. Hopper


FROM: Dean Moira (enroute to CCC)


Hi Kids,

Since I was hoping to make it back to CCC by St. Patrick's Day for the Symposium, I was wending my way back to campus in the sidecar of Mr. Bill Bendix's cohort, Tom D'Andrea via a "shortcut" he claimed to know "like the back of his hand." After seeing the back of this guy's hand, I wouldn't lay claim to much knowledge of anything, especially a nail brush. When I told him about the scrapes that our erstwhile staff have gotten themselves into he mumbled something about his pal being right about "revoltin' developments" and pulled into the nearest Western Union ofc. to enable me to wire you the funds from our Swiss bank account, (aka slush fund). With the amount of greenbacks I'm sending you, all wheels on a town, state and federal level should be well and truly greased. No need to send me further notice of the shenanigans that have or may occur---just contact Political Science Professor Brian Donlevy. He'll explain that "if it wasn't for graft, you'd get a very low type of people in politics, men without ambition, jellyfish!" This dough should insure some spinal growth that's flexible enough to accommodate our crowd.


Be that as it may, I was mulling over the tentative plans that you guys have made about the upcoming Spring Frolic, when we pulled into a tiny gas station in some burg to fuel up for the next leg of the hegira. I was trying to find some loose change on the floor of the sidecar to pay for the liquid black gold they were pumping, (i mean, come on, five fins for a gal. of gas out in the stix??), when I looked up & my bleary eyes met the sleepy-eyed gaze of--who else?--Professor Robert Mitchum.


When I tried to say hello and started to explain that he's left us in the lurch by leaving campus so suddenly, he "claimed" not to remember who he is and gave some name like Jeff Bailey or Markham or something. He had this weird monotone when speaking with me, and kept mumbling something like, "I sell gasoline, I make a small profit. With that I buy groceries. The grocer makes a profit. We call it earning a living. You may have heard of it somewhere."


Aaaalrighty, then, I thought, as I dropped the subject. Just to let you and Prof. Burt Lancaster know, I wouldn't expect him back on time for his tutorials anytime in the immediate future. Perhaps we could ask that creepy Psychology Professor Tom Conway, to drop in to discreetly grill this gas jockey in the near future. Just tell him to look for the neon sign off the Interstate that says, EAT HERE GET GAS.


In any case, the Frolic sounds very promising. Should we construct the maypole this year in the quad? Do you think that we should ask retired Dean of Choreography, Busby Berkeley to plan the party? Should we ask Interior Design Prof. Leo G. Carroll to help design a decorating scheme, or do you think that the ol' fussbudget will insist on moving all the furniture out of the student union again to make room for the herd? I don't know if we should go whole hog and hire alumnus Chuck Heston and his crew of elephants to set up the tent for the party again either. Grounds keeper Henry Travers' "Miniver" roses were trampled last time that "circus" came to town to help us set up for the Frolic.


Hope that you got my telegram about the last minute edition to our St. Patrick's Day Symposium. Estimated time of arrival for D'Andrea and myself should be sometime around 2AM tonight, so ask Prof. Klondike to leave a light in the Clocktower window for us, could you? We're making pretty good time!

Impatiently Yours,




Link to post
Share on other sites



Lawyer Edward Arnold showed up and much as I pleaded he pay my $2 fine, he wants to take it to a higher court. He's dared them to throw the book at me.


And they did. Tell him to just pay the $2.


Student teacher filmlover

Link to post
Share on other sites



TO: Acting Dean Lzcutter


FROM: Dean Finnie (Enroute to CCC)


Last minute addition to St. Patrick's Day Symposium, guaranteed to bring "a touch of the poet" to the proceedings: Prof. Tyrone Power has done buckling his swash on the seven seas and is expected to arrive on campus sometime Saturday, March 17th, 2007 by 20th Century Limited to participate in event. Stop.


This train subject to last minute unscheduled stops, but please arrange accommodations for Power asap. Try to see if MrsL is accepting boarders for the weekend. Please tell Anne may need more rooms for Power's entourage as well, consisting of highly entertaining members of something called Alexander's Ragtime Band, who go by the names of Alice Faye and Don Ameche. Please track down copy of W. B. Yeats' "Collected Poetry" for Power's reading. Make sure Nursing Instructor Roz Russell has plenty of smelling salts in Edward Brophy Reading Room for distaff audience members who may need revival after contact with Mr. P. Stop.


Returning with all due haste?wouldn't miss this day for any mystery plane rides--even with Ronald Colman.

Yours truly,






Link to post
Share on other sites



TO: Dean Finnie (Enroute to CCC)


FROM: MRS. L. (Proprietor)


Upon receipt of your missive, I am now preparing rooms for the personages, as you requested. I do hope that angelic leprechaun Mr. Cecil Kellaway will be joining also, his Irish Luck may be needed in the planned celebrations, after all the guiness' and Irish coffee have been served. The collection of Yeats however, may be a problem. Being so popular in this area, it is often difficult to find his poetry. Do you think a collective copy of the memoirs of Messrs' George M. Cohen, George Murphy, and Pat O'Brien would suffice. I hope I have responded to you quickly enough that you can rest assured during the remainder of your trip.


I look forward to joining you in our own private toast to 'the green'.


Mrs. L.


Message was edited by:


Link to post
Share on other sites

"I do hope that angelic leprechaun Mr. Cecil Kellaway will be joining also"


Hmmm, I do believe that Mr. Kellaway is listed as a member of the Power entourage, though, from what I hear, that "angelic" aspect of his character is debatable. You might want to put away the good silver before he arrives, MrsL. I hear that Kellaway needs to replenish a pot of gold somewhere. On the upside, rumor has it that he's a whiz at cobbling any shoes that need mending in your household.

Link to post
Share on other sites

****** WESTERN UNION ******


From: Commander Aloysius ?Buck? Hudsucker,

Capital Headquarters, State Police


To: Interim Dean Cutter, CCC


Madam Dean;


I am currently in conference with your Security Chief, Bill Hopper, and have informed him, as I do now you, that both Mr. Buttram & Mr. O?Malley have been released on bail from our Oswego facility, and that I have authorized the release of Mr. O?Malley?s truck;

They should be en route to your campus as you read this.

I fear your Pr. Klondike is another matter; we?ve yet to get confirmation on the exact nature of the man?s identity; his prints and physical ID link him to a bizarre chain of events over the last 25 years, involving incidents of smuggling in Belize, political espionage in La Paz, security clearance at the Seinn Fein USA chapter, a real estate tax audit in Argentina, and has been photographed, over time, at Morro?s Lodge in **** Baja, Pilgrim?s Farm in England, and the Xavier Genetics Lab on MacTaggart Island, West of Skye.

However, our biggest problem is an outstanding charge of aggravated battery on a wealthy German tourist 5 years ago in Yellowknife, Northwest Territory, Canada, perpetrated by a man closely resembling your erstwhile Professor, whose prints were indeed collected from the scene of that assault.

Even now, two RCMP investigators are on their way from Ottawa to extradite Pr. Klondike as a likely fugitive from Canadian justice.

All my influence to slow this process down has failed; the best I can recommend is that if you have anyone on staff at the CCC with any influence w/ the Prime Minister, and/or as a once or current Canadian subject, they might be able to undo all or part of this.

Best of luck; Chief Hopper says he will be headed back late tonight.

Link to post
Share on other sites

****** WESTERN UNION ******


From: Pr. Klondike


To: Interim Dean Cutter


Dean Cutter;


Many, many apologies for all this inadvertent strife; be advised that Bill Hopper and I are headed back, that I am in no further jeopardy over this horrid mix-up, having been released unconditionally by Commander Hudsucker.

I'm just glad that Bill was able to track Prof. Mitchum down by phone, and that Bob was able to get that sealed file which he was holding for me delivered by personal messenger in time, before there was any further entanglement with the RCMP.

I apologize also that I never disclosed to the senior Administrators at CCC that I was an identical twin, or that my brother was an undercover foreign correspondent; in that we'd been subbing for each other since we were kids, our personal records were always getting mixed-up, including our fingerprint records. Since he perished in that small plane crash in Idaho several years ago, I've tried to put all that behind me . . At the time, Bob & I were associates in several ventures, and he agreed to store all that sensitive, personal material safely away for me . .

But, all that's neither here nor there, is it? There's St. Pat's to celebrate tomorrow, and the gala Spring Frolic to begin planning, right?

I'll be back by midnight; Dean C., please light that lantern up in the clock tower for me, would you, in case Moira is closer to arriving than am I!

It can serve to welcome us BOTH home!

Link to post
Share on other sites

********************Western Union******************


Canadian-American Border


To: Professor Klondike, In Transit


From: Interim Dean LzCutter, Classic Cinema College



Professor Klondike:


Glad to hear that you have been sprung from the depths of Canadian Bureaucracy.


Please be advised to meet Professor Humphrey Bogart and Police Chief Louis Renault at the border stop. They will have your letters of transit which should allow you to enter the country with no further ado.


Am glad that you are a free man. Have sent Filmlover to light the clock tower for you and Dean Finnie to guide you all home safely.


Over the hectic week-end, perhaps when we are cryin' in our ales together, would like to talk with you about the Motor Pool. After all their shenanigans this past month, I think they may need to be reminded of the fear of the Almighty.


Who better to administer that fear than our own Milly Natwick.


You will be glad to know that late this evening, Professor Cagney, Msgr. O'Brien and Wrestling Coach Vic McLaglen stumbled back to the College no worse for wear.


They were dressed rather bizarre, even for them. Professor Cagney was wearing a donkey's head and quoting Shakespeare:


"Man is but an a** if he go about to expound this dream. Man is but a patched fool if he will offer to say

what methought I was and what methought I had. "


And then he would bray like a donkey.

He might be a wee touched in the head, perhaps suffering a concussion from one of the scuffles with Vic McLaglen.


The Monsigneur was dressed as if he had just come from a nightclub. In the pockets, the girls down in laundry found cocktail naopkins for some place called the Garden of the Moon. Lord only knows.


As for Vic McLaglen, truth be told, he looked like he was wearing his best Sunday go to meeting clothes, except they were about two sizes too small.


I can only imagine the stories behind this bender of theirs and I suspect we will be paying for the damages for some time to come.


Thank the Lord we have such kind and beneficial benefactors.


The light is on, the coffee brewing and Milly Natwick has left a bottle of Carolens Irish Creme next to the coffee pot for you, the Dean, Professor Bogart (who will likely prefer scotch) and Chief Renault.


Get some sleep as we will be burning daylight early.

Link to post
Share on other sites

***************************************Western Union Telegram*****************************


Special Instructions: Do not deliver until morning


From: Interim Dean LzCutter, Classic Cinema College


To: Commander Aloysius ?Buck? Hudsucker,

Capital Headquarters, State Police





Am relieved to hear that Professor Klondike and Bill Hopper have been released and are on their way back to us here at the College. Given this time of year, you have no idea how much the bureaucracy up there has put us behind schedule.


God's Nightgown, man, how could you think for a moment that Professor Klondike could be an international spy?


He may have the demeanor of a circus clown from time to time and be prone to dressing as one as well (right downt to the sad eyes and tear falling on his cheek) but even the

youngest of our students here knows it is just Klondike being Klondike.


To have almost started a Territorial incident over this, defies imaginition.


Surely, you Mounties must have something better to do? I hear you have a Mountie who sings Opera with a very beautiful young woman. Perhaps y'all should concentrate on those two and leave our crazies to us down here in the States where we can at least decipher between those who are really a crazy and those who are masquerading.


If you would like, we offer a summer course, taught by Professor Joan Crawford that will help you distinquish between the two.


Please let us know if you are interested.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Message for MrsL (proprietor), to be delivered by Teaching Assistant Filmlover in the morning.


From Interim Dean LzCutter, Classic Cinema College





Many thanks for moving so quickly to accomodate our many guests this weekend. We, here at the College, truly appreciate your hard work. It always warms our hearts when alumni are so helpful.


Please let us know should Wrestling Coach Vic McLaglen wander on to your premises. He will likely be looking for a scuffle.


We would appreciate if you would keep a list of all items that may be inadvertently broken over the weekend.


At the end of the weekend, please send the list to the Dean's office and as one of my last official duties I will be sure that our Insurance Agent Edmund O'Brien contacts you immediately so that you may file your claims and be properly reimbursed post haste.


Again, we thank you for your generousity and look forward to celebrating the Holiday with ye.




LzCutter, Interim Dean (but not much longer, saints be praised)

Link to post
Share on other sites

******************Via Hand Delivery************


To: Judge William "Billy" Priest


From: Interim Dean, LzCutter Classic Cinema College



Dear Billy,


I wanted to send this little missive to say thank you for taking care of our young Student Teacher, Filmlover, in court today.


After the previous judge and our Attorney Edward Arnold got into a shouting match and Arnold told the judge to throw the book at him, we all feared that Filmlover would be doing time on a chain gang rather than here at the College helping prepare for the upcoming festivities.


I wish I could have been there to hear you say "Hear! Hear! Court's called to order!".


I know ma would have loved to have been there too. sigh*


Anyways, as always, appreciate the lengths that you go to for the College and am so very glad that you dispense your own brand of wisdom and judgement from the bench.


From the sounds of things, some of those young whippersnappers working for you could use some lessons.


Your loving sister,



Link to post
Share on other sites


[nobr]Memo to the Staff[/nobr]


[nobr]From: Moira Finnie[/nobr]


[nobr]Good Morning or as they say in Eire, Dia duit ar maidin, all. Fear not, Tom D'Andrea and I rolled in on that flying roller skate of a motorbike around 3:30am, mud-stained, exhausted, but unbowed and ready to zero in on some front row center seats at today's Gaelic gathering at the Symposium. Please relay my thanks to student teacher filmlover for that flaming torch he chose to place in the clocktower. There was no missing its blazing glow, even if we were tempting fate and our insurance company's burning desire to cancel our policy. [/nobr]


[nobr]As we pulled up, I found Wrestling Coach McLaglen using the unconcious fellow pictured below to lean on my doorbell. Seems that Victor needs some place to lay low for awhile, and, to avoid facing the crowds expected around campus today, he thought that my wine cellar might be just the spot. McLaglen keeps murmuring something about a Bartly Mulholland guy and Donald Meek dogging his steps. If you ask me, the man's got something on his conscience. Ah well, maybe this unpleasantness will blow over, eh?[/nobr]


[nobr]See ya soon for the Wearin' of the Green.[/nobr]



Link to post
Share on other sites

Memo to the Staff


Regarding the commotion in the quad with the landscaping::


It has been brought to my attention by a rather overbearing man wearing wild headgear that makes him resemble the FTD florist logo, that due to the close proximity in dates between our current Erin Go Bragh! celebration and the upcoming Spring Frolic which is set to begin in two weeks, that alumni Charlton Heston is foregoing his Greatest Show on Earth spectacle this year.


Instead, he is preparing a race track for his usual Chariot Race which is scheduled for Good Friday.


He has agreed to not begin construction until Monday morning so as not to interfere with today's events and tomorrow's anticipated hang-overs.


It is suggested that those wishing tickets to the Chariot Races should get them as soon as they go on sale as a large and boisterious crowd is expected.

Link to post
Share on other sites

INTEROFFICE MEMO TO: Dean Finnie, and Madame Cutter:


I'm way ahead of you Dean Finnie. Being aware of Mr. McLaglen's affinity for the drink, and damaging shenanigans, I've already arranged for New Athletic Coach Mr. John Wayne, and his staff consisting of Defensive coach Johnson, Special Teams coach Harry Carey, Jr., Assistant. Head Coach Ward Bond, Equipment Organizer Barry Fitzgerald, and watergirl, Miss O'Hara to be on hand at all entrances, equipped with photo-phones, and walkie-talkies.


All will be on the lookout for any problems caused by Mr. Rooney, Mr. Errol Flynn, Mr. Gene Kelly, and Miss Rita Hayworth who are all known for their energy, and tendancy to kicking up their heels and flying through the air, while brandishing all sorts of implements.




Message was edited by: That was funny, I abbreviated the word assistant with a$$t. and it came out with asterisks because using s' makes it a vulgar word. Fine by me, but it took a second to realize why it was changed!


Link to post
Share on other sites

*************Late night, post-St. Patrick's Gala**************




To: Dean (It gives me such pleasure to say that) Finnie6


From: Interim Dean, LzCutter


Re: Wrestling Coach Vic McLaglen




Well today was one to beat the band. What a grand day!!! From the entrance of the Pipers and the Thin Blue Line to the numerous hijinks of Faculty, Staff and Students (which I am sure we will be re-hashing in the days ahead), never have we had a St. Patrick's Celebration as successful as this one.


Kudos for planning this from your hospital room at Blair General. I cannot tell you how much I am looking forward to relinquishing my Interim status on Monday morning and allowing you to reclaim your rightful title.


That said, it would be remiss of me not to nominate (if not for sainthood) the following Faculty and Staff for their efforts to keep Wrestling Coach Vic McLaglen from going on a tear and leaving a swath of destruction in his wake. (As we have seen on numerous occasions).


I strongly believe that Commendations are in order for the following (and would recommend that all receive them in a public ceremony):


Athletic Coach John Wayne, Assistant Head Coach Ward Bond (Lord that man can bellow when he wants), Defensive Coach Ben Johnson (who prefers to be called Tyree for some unknown reason), Special Teams Coach Harry Carey, Jr, Uniform coach John Agar, and Watergirl ('Tis herself), Miss Maureen O'Hara


Never have so many done so much to keep one man under control and out of the slammer. Should we need help with the authorities, we can call on my brother, the Honorable Judge Priest.


My thanks to all and to all a good-night.


May your hang-overs in the morn be few and far between.

Link to post
Share on other sites

EMERGENCY MEMO - 9 a.m., March 18


To: Pr. McHugh


From: Pr. Klondike


Frank, many thanks for blanketing me with your ancient houndstooth tweed overcoat, and for not leaving me to wake up entirely naked on the roof of the Pig & Whistle; as I was clad in your trousers, I assume that you are now wearing my kilt.

Be forewarned, any smirch of any nature on the proud tartan of Clan Scott, and the wrath of my ancestors will be upon BOTH our heads!

Need to talk to you ASAP; beyond a vague memory of challenging Jimmy Gleason to mumbledy-pegs, and doing shots with "Mo" O'Hara, I seem to have only the vaguest of swiss-cheese memories of last night, the last of which involved Vic McLaglen bellowing at somebody across the quad.

And why has my handkerchief been replaced by one of Dance Instructor Lamour's sarongs?

Wait, these are your britches, right?

What in the name o' Mother Macree were YOU doing with -

AAAghhhhh, me head is huge!

Link to post
Share on other sites

To: Dean Finnie, CCC


From: Interim Dean (though only hours left) LzCutter


Well, Dean, with only a few hours left before I gratefully hand over the job title and all that comes with handling the job, I thought I should mention the following:


Well, saints be praised, the campus did not burn down (and our Insurance Agent Edmund O'Brien seems very happy at that disaster being averted), the slammer is not filled with faculty, staff or CCC students and all seems to be quiet here on the College front.


Many thanks to Hollywood Kyle, JackBurley, Matthelm and Rusty for administering Kyle's patented hang over cure around the campus this morn. I'm sure there were many in need of a hair of the dog that bit them.


Special thanks to BenWHowell for holding down the infirmary and dispensing aspirin and tender sympathies to those who were too afraid to take the cure.


Most of all thank you to everyone (you know who you are) who have been so generous with their time and support while our good Dean was away.


I am looking forward to returning to the Film Restoration Department in the morning and will be helping to plan the upcoming Spring Frolic which is scheduled for the week before Easter.


If anyone has any idea where alumni Charlton Heston is getting the labor to build his Chariot Track, please advise the Head of Landscaping as they are looking for a few good men.

Link to post
Share on other sites



[nobr]TO: Interim Dean Cutter[/nobr]


[nobr]FROM: Dean Finnie[/nobr]


[nobr]RE: Tying up some loose ends[/nobr]


[nobr]Dear Lynn,[/nobr]

First, please accept my condol,--er, I mean gratitude for all your hard work in the past few months. Things seem to have hung together pretty well, and I'd like to hope that the upcoming Spring Frolic will be the social and cultural height of the semester.[/nobr]


[nobr]Second, there were a few items that came across my desk in the last few days that I'd hoped to discuss with you, since you've been on scene and in touch with the rhythm of the college's pulse much more closely than I of late. I tried calling you at the Film Restoration Dept., but whenever I did, I just know that the phone was picked up by one of those silent but eloquent Associate Professors of yours, such as Chester Conklin, Charley Chase or Ben Turpin. It's a mystery to me how you get things done over there without some verbal communication. Yeah, yeah, I know, all exposition is done visually, or not at all.[/nobr]


[nobr]Third, I have on my desk an urgent request from our Cafeteria supervisor Marie Dressler submitting her immediate intention to take a vacation. Ms. Dressler, who outdid herself with her efforts on St. Patrick's Day, (though I don't know how we'll get the odor of cabbage out of the library anytime soon), says that she's booked a voyage on an oceangoing tugboat, and she's already put money down to participate in a race with other tugs! Cheez, I knew Dressler was a character, but I didn't know that she was such an old salty dog.[/nobr]



[nobr]On top of this, it seems that Chef D. has every intention of taking our line cook, the Big Swede, aka Greta, with her on this respite as well. Seems that Greta says that she "vants to be alone", but failing that, will settle for standing on the prow of the tug, looking off at the far horizon, and thinking...of nothing. It also seems that the kitchen's chief potscrubber, (and all 'round troublemaker, just between you and me), Wallace Beery, is going to accompany them as well. Senior Class President Jackie "Jim Hawkins" Cooper and VP Freddie "Leetle Feesh" Bartholomew have both signed on to crew for Dressler on this voyage of the damned. Seems Freddie says he must look for signs of someone or something called "Man'well" out at sea. I think that l'il champ, Cooper will stick his lip out and endure the trip okay, but I'll be phoning the Bartholomew boy's Dad, Melvyn Douglas, asap to ask about the advisability of sending his rather willowy son and heir to sea.[/nobr]


[nobr]After Dressler brought this stuff to my intention, I got sort of agitated, and she tried to mollify me by showing me a picture of the tug, which she and Beery picked out recently on a weekend trip to the coast. That's the old dishdog, Wally Beery in the foreground of the one photo.[/nobr]



[nobr]I tried to point out to the Chef that with all these college cohorts on this sojourn, it'll hardly seem like a break from her routine, but that argument fell on deaf ears. Anyway, long story short, could you possibly suggest who can substitute for this bunch when they hightail it down to the seven seas, come hell or high water, sometime next month? I also have another, far more serious matter to bring to the attention of Prof. Klondike regarding one of the employees over in the Motor Pool, but I'll save that for his eyes only, if you don't mind. Honestly, this matter would come up just as Prof. MacMurray & Mr. Faylen consider a test run for their hybrid car, (hydrogen & flubber powered, don't cha know!).[/nobr]

Link to post
Share on other sites





[nobr]The attached arrived by courier from the Pinkerton Agency this morning at my office. It seems that our esteemed employee is not the genial blowhard & journeyman grease monkey we all may have thought him to be. I'm not sure if even that renowned trial lawyer, Prof. Lee Tracy, here to teach a semester in "sharp legal angles" to our pre-law students, can pull this rabbit out of his hat. I'm also at a loss as to what political favor we can call in from Gov. Akim (the working man's friend) Tamiroff, this time to cover our you-know-whats. Maybe I can call in a few chits from that stiff who's Chancellor of Education for the State, Rudy Vallee, Esq. to see if he can help us get out of this predicament and avoid bad PR. Please advise me of your recommended course of action asap & for gawd's sake, keep this under your hat. I wouldn't even tell Bob Armstrong in the motor pool?he'd spill the beans to the first big monkey who bought him a drink. Sorry that this had to come to light just before the MacFaylen Prototype Hydrogen-Flubber car was about to be tested on the Bonneville Flats this weekend by Prof. MacMurrayand Faylen.[/nobr]

[nobr]Yours truly,--Finnie[/nobr]







[nobr]Have You Seen This Man?[/nobr]


[nobr]For Immediate Distribution:

All personnel under your management to be on the lookout for one Frank Faylen, alias Frankie Faylen, alias Whitey Du Sang, alias Bim Nolan, alias Cotton Wilson, alias "Coach" & "Pop" & "Chief".[/nobr]


[nobr]Known former occupations:[/nobr]

[nobr]Mechanic, barroom philosopher, cab driver, law enforcement officer, male nurse, grocery store manager, third base coach, malcontent, bandit, pillager, and marauder.[/nobr]


[nobr]Wanted for:[/nobr]

[nobr]Practicing auto mechanics without any training, Impersonating a nurse in a drunk ward, Driving a cab without a medallion or much sense of direction, Impersonating a sheriff near the O.K. Corral, Distracting Ballplayers when they're on the field with bum advice during a game, Pretending to have all the answers for his teenage son, Engaging in cynical philosophical observations without merit, Knocking over trains and his fellow gangmembers out West, Wearing his hair way too long when trying to look bad, Narrowing his eyes to try to look tough, (and not succeeding.)[/nobr]


[nobr]Also known to occasionally wear facial hair in a feeble attempt to look menacing, as below:[/nobr]


Link to post
Share on other sites



Prof. E. G. Robinson





I wanted to let you know that I am trying to locate Lancaster. He is on campus but is being rather reclusive at the moment. I suspect he is enjoying a long lunch with one of his many female admirers. He does have a way with the women. That smile and "Hello Baby" line of his melts heart all across the campus.


Heston says that he will be able to join us for the meeting. He is almost done with the Chariot Race Track so that he can begin practicing for Good Friday's race.


Also, my brother, Judge Priest, says to let you know that he can be of help if we need it.


See you this afternoon.


Please destroy this message.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
© 2021 Turner Classic Movies Inc. A Time Warner Company. All Rights Reserved Terms of Use | Privacy Policy | Cookie Settings
  • Create New...